Chapter Text
(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)
"I thought you were offering me a challenge, Tony," the elderly man in the sleek gray suit said as he let them into the shop, guiding them between aisles full of bolts of cloth and the occasional half mannequin wearing a jacket and tie until he reached a clear space before a group of mirrors. He put the measuring tape he'd been holding in his hand back around his neck. "I close the shop for a private fitting, and you bring me this very nice gentleman who I could make look like a king with one hand tied behind my back." He looked up at Bruce, drawing himself up to his full five foot four of affronted elegance. "This is an insult!"
Bruce looked at Tony. "Erm, sorry?" he offered.
Tony rolled his eyes."Don't get in a snit, Damon, although yes, I want you to make Bruce a suit, too. Shh, Bruce, you'll thank me later, when Betty shows up and you can squire her around town with a bit of style. Anyway, Bruce isn't the big reason we've come to you. You've heard about the Avengers?"
Damon huffed an affirmative. "Very bad design. Except for the woman. She has style. Just as well. I do not handle the ladies. You are going to bring me the Avengers, Tony?" Damon looked eager now. "Yes, yes, I would like to see what I could do with that blond fellow with all the hair... it's a pity to wrap him in all that metal, and the cape! For heaven's cake, no one wears capes."
Bruce coughed to hide his grin.
Tony said, "Thor's kinda attached to his armor, but I'll see. And I can probably get Captain America and Hawkeye into the shop. LATER, Damon." Tony pointed to Bruce. "This unassuming, easy-to-fit, gentleman has another side. He turns into the Hulk."
"The Hulk? That huge, oddly-proportioned, green person?"
"Uh huh. The one and only," Tony said with a grin.
"TONY! I forgive you everything!" Damon pulled Tony down to kiss him on both cheeks. "Almost everything. I still recall what you did to that lovely maroon suit one New Year's." The tailor released Tony and looked at Bruce. "We'll go out back, to the private patio. I do not think the Hulk would be comfortable in my little shop, and one must be comfortable for a proper fitting. Follow me!" Damon took a set of keys from his pocket and led the way to an unmarked door at the rear of the shop.
Tony grabbed Bruce's arm and pulled him along.
"This is a bad idea, Tony. You know this is a bad idea. The HULK at a charity gala? They'll have to hold another benefit to pay for the damages," Bruce said.
"Pfft. We'll load him up with swedish meatballs, let him have a little stroll in the gardens by the fountains if he gets a bit stressed and he'll be happy. If it makes you feel any better, I'll be bringing the suitcase armor."
"The Hulk isn't safe."
"La la la, not listening, don't care." Tony pushed Bruce ahead of him out onto a small patio enclosed by buildings on three sides, and a high wooden fence on the remaining side. It was large enough to hold the Hulk, yes, but not a lot more than that. Damon moved a few light-weight tables up against the fence, clearing the space.
Tony and Damon looked at Bruce expectantly. Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think you're both crazy."
"C'mon, bulk up, Bruce," Tony said. "Damon, don't jab the Hulk with pins. Really. Do not." Damon scowled, and put a pinbox back in his pocket.
"Really. Crazy." Bruce took a deep breath and let the Hulk out.
"WHERE SMASH?" the Hulk growled. He tore off the remnant of his shirt, and kicked off the bits of his shoes, and stood in his tattered purple shorts that used to be long trousers, and looked around suspiciously.
"No, no smashing today," Tony replied. "Today we're going to get you fitted for a suit."
"SUIT?"
Damon stared at the Hulk in awe.
The Hulk grunted. "DON'T NEED SUIT."
"Of course you need a suit!" Damon broke out of his daze and came up to the Hulk to peer up into his face. "You want people to think well of you, you must look well!"
The Hulk looked at Tony, and then back at Damon. A line of confusion formed on his forehead. He poked Damon lightly in the chest with one finger."PUNY MAN NOT TELL HULK WHAT TO DO."
"I'm YOUR TAILOR!" Damon snapped back. "You do as I say and I will make you look amazing!"
"HULK ALREADY AMAZING."
Tony leaned up against a nearby wall and grinned. "You tell him, Hulk. But you're invited to a party, and it's a black tie event. You can't go dressed like that. Emily Post would be horrified."
The Hulk's confusion wrinkle had babies. "HULK INVITED? PEOPLE WANT HULK?"
"Yes!" Tony fished in his pocket and came out with a gold embossed invitation made out to the Hulk. "Look! Free food, admiring women, music, dancing... it'll be great! But you have to dress properly."
The Hulk took the square of heavy card, which seemed to shrink in his hands. "SHINY. PRETTY PEOPLE WANT HULK?"
"Yes! They want to meet the people who saved New York City. They want to see their heroes," Tony said.
"HULK HERO?"
Damon took advantage of the Hulk's distraction to start taking measurements around his leg. The Hulk looked down at him when Damon measured his inseam. "HULK NOT WANT BOYFRIEND."
Damon sniffed. "I have a boyfriend, already, thank you. Now stand still. Tony, get the step ladder. The tall one. There."
Tony hastened to obey. Damon was muttering under his breath. "And then go in and bring back the fabric sample books. ALL of them." After Tony disappeared back in the shop, the Hulk looked down at Damon again.
"HULK WANT TO DANCE WITH GIRL. NOT PUNY GIRL." He poked at Damon again with one finger. "NOT PUNY GIRLS AT DANCE?"
"Hmm?" Damon wrapped the tape measure around the Hulk's wrist. "Oh, well, some of my clients belong to the Tall Club of NYC. You can look them up..." He glanced at the Hulk's huge fingers, obviously not suited to manipulate phone book pages or computer keyboards. "Have someone look up the club. You definitely should join."
Tony returned with a load of sample books. "What are you joining now, big fella? You're already an Avenger."
"TALL CLUB OF NYC. FIND NOT PUNY GIRL TO DANCE WITH."
"Huh," Tony said. "Good idea." He dropped the sample books to the flag-stoned ground and pulled out his StarkPad. "I love New York, you can find anything and anyone here."
Damon flipped open the books and began draping lengths of cloth over the Hulk's outstretched arm. "I think white. Not a cold white, but a creamy, warm, eggshell..."
"HULK NOT WANT LOOK LIKE ICE CREAM MAN."
Damon swatted at the Hulk with the end of his tape measure. "Don't move."
The Hulk grumbled, but stood still as Damon climbed the stepladder. Tony pulled up the photo gallery on the Tall Club. Damon happily took measurements.
"What style undergarments do you prefer?" Damon asked. "Boxers, briefs?"
"HULK NO WEAR UNDERTHINGS."
"A gentleman always wears undergarments!" Damon looked at Tony who had raised a finger for attention. "You're no gentleman."
"Point," Tony admitted, and returned to gazing at the gallery.
"HULK WANT NO SQUASH."
"Boxers, then." Damon made a note.
The Hulk patted Damon on the head. "HULK'S BOYS LIKE ROOM."
Tony giggled.