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Dearest Tabby Seeking Tomcat,
Could it be me that you are searching for? Though from my enclosed autographed portrait you will see that I am more like a purebred, champion show cat, I can assure you that I know my way around pussy like the filthiest tomcat. I think you will be quite impressed with my petting and licking prowess. Perhaps you would be interested in a hands-on demonstration? I promise that you will be feline good. Your response can be sent to St Mungo’s Janus Thickey Ward.
MEOW,
Gilderoy Lockhart, Five-Time Winner of the Most Charming Smile Award
P.S. Did you notice my pun?
Dear Tabby, sweet Tabby,
By your lack of response, I assume that you did not receive my first missive or you are too stunned and flattered by my attentions and have found yourself paralysed by excitement. I daresay I cannot blame you for such a reaction. Do not despair, my shy little kitten. I have sent you another signed photograph for you to admire until you are inspired to take pen to page.
Mewfully yours,
Gilderoy
From the desk of Minerva McGonagall
Mr. Lockhart,
Please keep your photographs and puns to yourself. This cougar is looking elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Tabby
Dear Flower in Waiting,
How I long to fertilise your garden with my seed and see you bloom to your fullest ripeness. I will stroke your delicate petals ever so gently until you quiver with need, then absolutely plough you. Let’s be fruitful and multiply, if you understand my meaning.
Please see my enclosed photo (signed) with artfully and strategically placed bouquets, as featured in Witch Weekly, May 1986. I believe you will find it makes you quite (t)horny.
Unfurling for you,
Gilderoy Lockhart
My Beautiful Flower,
Have I done something to offend? I selected you for correspondence as it seems we have much in common, as you love to grow flowers and I love to receive them from my adoring fans. Please respond.
Wilting,
Gilderoy
Gilderoy,
I am sorry to leave you drooping, but I’m afraid your kind words have fallen on barren ground as you do not have the correct equipment that I seek in a partner. I wish you the best of luck in your search!
Best,
Pomona Flower
Dear Sleepless in Slytherin,
Do not be alarmed, I will not be so trite as to use the tired “slither in” pickup line. However… I do wish to explore the lower half of the castle, venturing bravely into your dark dungeons. I’ll play your flute with my supple lips, easily charming your snake. I can tell you are a man who appreciates the finer things in life, so I’ve tucked a photograph of myself in this letter so you may see for yourself that I am quite fine.
Is that a basilisk in your pants or are you just happy to see me,
Gilderoy
Dearest Sleepless,
Perhaps I was not as forthcoming in my previous letter as I had thought, so I will try to make it more clear. Would you like to fuck?
Wide awake,
Gilderoy
Sleepless,
Since your reply only contained the charred remnants of the photograph I sent you, I must assume that your desire for me is a raging inferno that cannot be captured in mere words. I am truly flattered (and engorged). I have included another for you to keep.
Burning for you,
Gilderoy
NEVER write to me again, you absolute fuckwit, or I will be forced to blast your arse with more than just an Expelliarmus.
Sleepy,
Tell me more about this arse blasting, it sounds intriguing.
G
FUCK OFF
Dear Crystal Bawling,
I can divine that you and I are kindred souls, fated by the stars to be together. You’ll be calling out prophecies when I’m crystal balls deeps inside—
Dear Crystal,
I confess that your advertisement caught my attention because I have been feeling quite isolated and lonely too, but perhaps you could already foresee that I would write to you? I don’t think my previous approach to finding love has been working very well, so I’m trying something new.
Perhaps you’d be interested in visiting me? We could share a cup of tea and hold hands. You could even read my palm if you’d like.
My fortune is in your hands,
Gilderoy Lockhart
Dear Gilderoy,
I sense that you do not remember me, but we have met before. I fear that I am not the standard of partner to which you are accustomed so I am nervous about agreeing to a meeting. My tea leaves this morning looked quite grim, and I fear it is a bad omen.
Doomed from the start,
Sybill
Sybill,
It’s true, during one of my adventures that I can no longer recall, I performed some sort of heroic feat that caused me to lose all memory of my previous life (though I have read my books and it seems to have been quite an impressive life).
Please. I could really use a friend. Saturday at 2:00?
Gilderoy
Gilderoy,
I’ve consulted the stars and Saturday appears to be an auspicious day. It’s a date.
See you soon,
Sybill
Dearest Sybill,
Thank you for visiting me the other day. The astrological birth chart you gave me is surely the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received, including the ones that I cannot remember. For someone with no memories, it was delightful to learn so much about myself. The staff at St Mungo's helped me to order these Stargazer Lilies for you. May they brighten your tower and remind you of me. I hope to see you again soon.
Love,
Gilderoy