Work Text:
Matthew is fucked.
Not literally- unfortunately. No, he’s fucked in the way his heart hasn’t stopped pounding since this moment with Gunwook a couple of hours ago.
It was just another day in the practice room. All the members were sweating from practicing so hard with their comeback being only 2 weeks away. Finally Hanbin announced a 10 minutes break for everyone to drink some water and have a bathroom break. Matthew immediately sprawled on the couch with his forearm on top of his eyes to block the lights from blinding him.
He loved his job, he really did. It’s just; the countless hours dancing and gasping for air being normalised within the industry was something that ticked him off. He couldn’t complain out loud though because he chose to do this. He was an adult and this was his decision so he shouldn’t complain. But still-
“Exhausting choreo, right Matthew?” a voice came from above. He didn’t remove his hand over his face. He acknowledged the voice with a small hum, too tired to start a conversation.
“You look so tired hyung. Should i tell Hanbin hyung to extend the break by, like, 10 more minutes? He’ll understand.” Matthew immediately lowered his hand and looked at Gunwook that had sat at the edge of the couch, by Matthew’s thighs. One thing that he hated was burdening the members. Delaying their practice because of him, everyone staying behind even more- he wasn’t selfish.
“Don’t you dare. Im fine. Just need those 10 minutes to recharge.” He tried to say as calmly as possible with Gunwook’s hand on his thigh.
Now here’s the thing. Matthew considers himself a very touchy person. He would put himself at the top three touchiest members of the group. That’s how he expresses love and his feelings and he doesn’t feel shame. And that’s how it started with Gunwook as well. A little bit of fan service after feeling comfortable enough behind closed doors. This was normal for them, they were trained by their companies how to act.
Now here’s another thing. Matthew is way more in tune with his feelings than he’d like to. He’s always been an emotional person, but not in a bad way. More in a “I know what i’m feeling and i let myself feel it with no judgement” kind of way. He should be judged for this though, definitely. Because he knows he likes Gunwook and he’s doing nothing to stop it. Quite the opposite. Always indulging in the fantasy of the fans, of the mystery and the what-ifs. Is it because he wants-even for those few, small moments- to feel like all that is real? Well shoot him he’ll never admit that out loud.
“Well i definitely need 10 more minutes. Dancing for hours on end should be illegal, i’m telling you.” Gunwook said while slowly massaging Matthew’s thigh with both his hands.
See? Gunwook just gets him. Matthew hasn’t even said anything and here the younger comes, speaking his mind for the both of them. In a silly way Matthew thinks their minds are aligned. Their hearts on the other hand not so much.
Matthew isn’t stupid. He can tell when someone flirts with him for real and when they flirt as a joke. Unfortunately for him, Gunwook falls in the latter category. But that’s okay. As long as he never explicitly says it, Matthew will allow himself to live in his own fantasy.
“Yeah well, we both knew what we were getting into when we started this. Can’t really complain now, right?” he says putting his small hand on top of Gunwook’s bigger one. The younger immediately takes his hyung’s hand in his and starts playing with his fingers like he always likes to do.
“I guess. And i guess it’s not that bad. I’m here with you after all.”
Matthew is pretty sure he heard that wrong. The members were loud around them and Gunwook’s voice was barely above a whisper.
But the way he looked at Matthew afterwards made his heart skip a beat or two. Is he imagining things too now? Maybe he’s more tired than he thought.
Before he could answer, their dance teacher called everyone to gather and start from the top again. Gunwook squeezed his hand one more time and smiled softly before gently lifting him up from the couch and guiding him at the middle of the room. The older smiled weakly at him as a thank you before getting back to his position and getting ready for the counts so he can start dancing and get his mind off of this.
They continued their practice when their camera crew came in the studio. “For the behind the scenes” they had said. Fortunately for Matthew they weren’t here during the break, because he didn’t need another down bad moment of his to be added to the already long list that was just out there for everyone to see. While Hanbin was discussing with the teacher the members were gathered around talking to each other and the camera.
Suddenly, Gunwook pulled Matthew in a hug. This, too, was normal for them. They weren’t lying for the cameras when they’d (continuously) say they need to hug each other every day to gain energy. Matthew hugged him back tightly. No matter how messy his head was, he physically could not stop himself from falling in Gunwook’s arms every time. And it was like Gunwook actually knew. Not that Matthew’s mental state was like this because of him -fuck no, Matthew shivered at the mere thought of it- but that today was one of those days. Slow, painful and in need of gentle care. If that’s how Gunwook treated his hyung, how was he supposed to act like this meant nothing more than a friendly gesture for him?
“I can tell you’re struggling baby. Is it because you didn’t get your daily hug today?” The younger tried to joke while showing his concern. He knew if Matthew wanted to say something he’d do it himself. Pushing wasn’t the way for him, so all Gunwook could do was show him he was there and ready to talk if and when he wanted to. Matthew chuckled and tightened his grip around his waist, not ready to let go yet. Will this make it to the final cut? Are the cameras even on them right now? Do they care to record this? What will the fans say? Will they make another joke about how down bad they are for each other? Will they speculate about why they’re hugging for so long? Will they look at Matthew’s eyes and realise the truth? What if Gunwook sees the posts and realises too? What if he sees how Matthew’s eyes sparkle every time he looks in his, like he hangs the moon, the stars and the sun? What if it disgusts him and he starts avoiding Matthew and he tells-
“Hey Matthew. Are you still with me?” He blinks a couple of times to register what Gunwook said to him. The taller was now holding his shoulders and looking closely. Shit. How will this look for the camera? “Please calm down. Take a deep breath please.” He hadn’t even realised how fast he was breathing. Closing his eyes and letting Gunwook’s gentle massage on his shoulders relax him, he feels his eyes stink a little. Fuck is he really about to cry?
He clears his throat and takes a step back. This is a safe distance for him to not do something crazy like kiss him or confess his undying homoerotic love for him. “I’m fine.” he mutters slowly and turns around to distract himself with a member that isn’t Park Gunwook.
Taerae immediately finds him and wraps his hand around his shoulder. Call it the ‘02 intuition or soulmatism but Taerae always gets it. “How is my princess today?” he says in a teasing tone. He knows if he gets too serious here he’ll end up with Matthew being a crying mess and the cameras catching all of it.
They walk straight in front of a camera and start chatting about the choreography and the comeback that’s around the corner. By the time they stopped, Matthew was smiling and ready to go back to dancing. He tried to ignore the glances Gunwook threw his way every so often and how he looked liked a kicked puppy in the rain.
Now, hours later, Matthew still hadn’t acknowledged Gunwook after that hug. He sat next to Taerae during the ride home, acting like the conversation they had on their way out was too important to end. (they were talking about what game they should play at their next Bbangiz Live). He went straight to his room the moment they got to their dorms and locked himself in there. The perks of making enough money that the company gives all of them their own room is that he could stay in there forever and didn’t have to answer anyone’s knocking.
(Note; anyone as in Gunwook)
A knock was suddenly heard on his door and Matthew flinched. If this is Gunwook he might actually have to confess today because how did he appear right when Matthew was thinking of him? (flawed logic, Matthew is always thinking about Gunwook).
It was Taerae again. Of course it wasn’t Gunwook. This was how they were. When Matthew pulled away Gunwook would sit there and wait. Never walking away but never taking that needed step forward either, and somehow that was even more painful. Matthew wished he walked away too. He wished he’d look hurt or sad or angry, like his world was falling apart too, like nothing made sense and the only thing that could fix that was Matthew, so when everything overwhelmed him- he would walk away.
But of course not. Gunwook was unbothered. Looking fresh in the morning -good sleep evident in his face- smiling and laughing naturally without a care in the world. Acknowledging Matthew but not engaging with him, making it obvious how this didn’t affect him in the way it affected Matthew.
Matthew resented him a little bit, even though he knew this wasn’t his fault. Quite the opposite. He was a victim of Matthew’s weak heart to pretty boys with big hearts. If anything, Matthew should be apologising to him.
But still, why did he have to be so nice to him? Always so caring, saving the softest smiles for him, gently caring like Matthew was made of porcelain and could break at any moment. Giving him the biggest hugs every day, to the point where the members would walk away from them, because they knew from now on no one else existed outside of them. Looking at him like he was the only one that mattered, the only one worth looking at. Touching him like he loved him in a way a friend shouldn’t love their friend. In a way that could break or make what they had.
Those were the moments Matthew questioned. He grounded himself all the time with the reality that he’s nothing but a friend to Gunwook. But when his touch lingered longer than it should and his eyes would flicker between his eyes and his lips for half a second like he couldn’t help himself, Matthew’s head would spin and travel to dangerous places.
Matthew was tired. This time around, with their schedules being so packed, he didn’t even have the time to properly talk to to Gunwook, and so their dynamic was left quivering. Of course this didn’t go unnoticed by his his members and especially Hanbin. Matthew and Hanbin’s relationship would always be special and no one could understand them better than themselves, but it was these moments that he hated. When he couldn’t hide his true feelings and act like everything was okay.
"So you're just going to act like everything is okay?" Hanbin asked him while mindlessly playing with thewnini in Matthew's bed. He had walked in his room with no warning or without asking 15 minutes ago and wasn't planning on leaving until Matthew opened up to him.
"Everything is okay, hyung. Just tired. Aren't we all tired? Of course i'm on edge- this is how it always is when our comebacks uproach." He technically wasn't lying. Comeback season is filled with stress and everyone is on edge, from the members to the staff.
"This isn't about the comeback, Seokmae. And you know it. What happened? You know you can always tell hyung." he said with a delicate voice, like Matthew would break at any minute. While others gave him space, Hanbin was always straightforward, never letting his best friend dwell on things too much. "And don't you dare say nothing again, or the comeback, because you know i know that isn't true. What happened between you two?" Uh, there it is. Not giving Matthew the chance to lie or give a stupid excuse again. Hanbin knew and he wouldn't leave Matthew alone until they talked about this.
"It's just...i don't know hyung, really. My head is a mess and i haven't properly talked to him in days. I'm here losing my mind and he is just going about his day like nothing. And it is nothing. That's why i don't want to talk about it. Because there's nothing of value to say. I'm just an idiot." Matthew was now sitting on his bed as well, next to Hanbin with his legs crossed. He was looking at his hands mindlessly playing with a string of his shirt, unable to look his best friend and leader in the eyes, scared of the judgment. Hanbin always joked about how whipped he was for Gunwook and Matthew knew that, at some point, his hyung realised his fondness crossed dangerous boundaries and stopped openly messing with him. Didn't stop him from doing it in private though. Matthew's worst nightmare was the combination of Hanbin and Taerae alone with Matthew, their endless teasing making him a blushing mess, fighting to defend his dignity- or what was left of it.
Hanbin hummed as he was thinking the best way to approach this and put his hand around Matthew's shoulders in a soothing manner. "How do you know this, whatever it is doesn't affect him though? Maybe you aren't the only one struggling." Matthew scoffed sarcastically.
"Gunwook? Affected? Please, what would he even be affected by? He thinks i'm just tired and not in the mood to talk, that's why he's keeping his distance. This means nothing more to him than his hyung being stressed and not playing with him for a couple of days. Yeah maybe he's a little sad or whatever but he has 7 other members to play with. There's no difference between me and you in his head." Finally able to say what's bothering him made him shed his first tears that he had been holding back for days now. Because this was mainly the problem, wasn't it? Gunwook acting like Matthew was special, the older spiralling, distancing himself and Gunwook being cool and unaffected. Matthew really needed to get a grip.
"Matt, with all the love and respect i have for you, and you know it's a lot, you're so fucking stupid sometimes. How are you so smart sometimes and then other times things just fly over your head? Gunwook? Not affected? That man keeps making mistake after mistake during practice, keeps refusing to play games and most importantly looks at you like a puppy that their owner has put them on time out. But what? Unaffected? I'm this close to locking you two in a small room together and not let you out till you resolve whatever is going on between you two." Hanbin says showing his index finger and thumb almost touching together.
Matthew giggles a little bit "Do you think we are you and Hao hyung during Boys Planet? That would recuire both of us being madly in love with each other, so your plan won't work, thank you very much." Everyone knew what went on in that laundry room, but no one spoke about it till the show was over and the cameras weren't on them 24/7.
"Yah! You little brat, is this the way to talk to your wise hyung that wants to resolve this before it ends up being a 100k words wattpad fanfiction of miscommunication and angst? Kids these days are so ungrateful." Matthew then laughed a real, big laughter to Hanbin's silliness. He doesn't regret introducing him to ao3 and wattpad, but his references to fanfictions all the time were kind of concerning.
"I wish this was a wattpad fanfiction. The main characters fall in love with each other and they both know it but are too dense and selfish to admit it, so it goes on for how long till they finally kiss and have filthy sex. Unfortunately, that's not my luck." he let out a loud, sad sigh. He didn't even want the sex right now. Holding hands with Gunwook would be enough.
"First of all; ew. Didn't want to know you fantasise abou those things with Gunwook-"
"I've literally walked in on you and Ha-"
"Anyways!! What i was saying." Hanbin takes a deep breath with a don't-you-dare-continue-your-sentence look, ignoring Matthew's full body laughter.
"Anyways yeah. You know what you explained is literally you two right? Matthew, listen. I don't know what Gunwook is thinking, i'm not inside his head to know his true feelings. But i can tell you what i've noticed. Me and you aren't the same to him. He'll hug me briefly, once in a while, not every day to 'recharge'- what the fuck does that mean by the way? Actually, no, don't want to know. He doesn't joke about me being his boyfriend every 5 seconds. And before you even try, he doesn't do it with anyone else either and if he does it's when the cameras are rolling. How many times has he called you baby and honey and his fucking boyfriend during the day in the dorms, in the car, backstage, literally anywhere? Way too many times for me to be sick of it. He looks at you with stars in his eyes, Seokmae. I don't know if it's the love you want, that's for him to tell you, but what i know is that the love he carries for you is special. I think talking to him would be the best idea. He loves you too much to let this get in the way of your relationship."
And that's how Matthew found himself locked in the bathroom with Gunwook. Okay, no that was wishful thinking a lie. They were in their dorms and the members decided to all gather in one of the dorms' living room for bonding time before the comeback. After a lot of fighting over mafia and a lot of laughter because of everyone's silliness, he had to use the bathroom. Him and Gunwook were sitting opposite of each other on the floor and Gunwook had barely acknowledged him. Sure, he engaged with some of his jokes and threw some lines here and there towards him, but Matthew knew that this wasn't their usual relationship. They always sat next to each other, touching one way or another, giggling over jokes that no one else understood.
Matthew took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the sink, staring around his reflection in the mirror. He looked ridiculous. He was genuinely happy with his members but the moment he was alone; all of it was gone. He was back to his reality where he still hadn't talked to Gunwook and the taller didn't even care. Going out like this wasn't the best decision so he did the next logical thing: get in the bathtub. People really underestimate the power of laying like a dead fish in there. It was just him and the cold marble floor. Kind of pathetic but he was in his feelings, so no one is allowed to judge him.
He had laid there being emo for a long time, not really sure how long since his phone was in the living room for dramatic effects, till he heard the door knob turning. He turned his head towards the door but the curtain was in the way so he couldn't really see who entered. He figured one of the members wanted to pee so he didn't bother getting up, concluding that they'd leave quickly. Whoever it was, used the bathroom quickly and started washing his hands.
"Did he leave? Without a single word? What the fuck is going on, this is driving me crazy." Matthew's blood ran cold realising who was in this small locked room with him. Of course it was Gunwook, because that was his luck. Pleading to any god out there to make Gunwook leave quickly, he breathed as slowly as possible. "Does he really hate me that much? Did i really fucked up?" What? What is he even talking about? Matthew is sure he's talking about him- he is the one that left for the bathroom and never returned. But he's confused. Hate Gunwook? Matthew? Without realising it he let out a bitter scoff. Who hates who in this relationship asshole- okay no he's not an asshole he's an angel he's done nothing wrong
"What the fuck?" Okay, even god fucking hates him now, because why is Gunwook holding the curtain open and looking at him like he's crazy?
"O-oh...Hi there Wookie. How's..it going?" Perfect, act natural, he'll brush it off and leave.
"Matthew hyung...what are you doing in here? Since when have you been in here?" He says with slight panic in his voice.
"Well i definitely didn't spawn in here while you were peeing." Matthew was so cool, so collected, making jokes this was perfect.
"Well i'd hope so. Did you...uhm hear anything?" Awkwardly he left the curtain and cleared his throat.
"Of course i heard everything. It's liquid on liquid silly, it makes noise. But don't worry, nothing to be embarrassed about." How long can he play dumb for till Gunwook actually believes him and leaves?
"Matthew, you know. That's not what i meant. What are you even doing in here anyways?"
"For fuck's sake!" Matthew says with an exasperated expression on his face. "Can't a man lay in a bathtub in peace? So much judgement these days, i'm telling you." He quickly got up with as much dignity as he had left and managed to get out without needing Gunwook's help at all. He's an independent woman, thank you. As he was about to unlock the door, a hand on his bicep stopped him.
"Hyung." A barely there whisper was all it took for Matthew to stop dead in his tracks, anxiously staring at the door. "Please. Can you talk to me? I've been giving yo space this whole time but i just.." He slowly turned the older around to look him in the eyes. "This is driving me crazy. Did i do something wrong? If i did let me know and i'll apologise. Actually scratch that. I'll apologise right now; i'm sorry. For whatever i did to upset you, to make you pull away, to make you hate me i'm really sorry-" Matthew capped his face in his hands to make him look up from the ground.
"Hey baby, what are you talking about? How could i ever hate you?" Gunwook's eyes carried a pain that make Matthew feel like shit. Is this how Gunwook was feeling the entire time and he didn't even realise? So selfish, only thinking about himself.
"Then why aren't you talking to me? We also haven't hugged in, like, 4 days." Matthew's heart swelled at how cute he looked pouting but also at the fact he was keeping track. And then it sank a little bit. Was he really hurting his favourite dongsaeng for his selfish feelings? Is this who he had become? He immediately hugged the younger and felt him melt in his hands. He hadn't even realised how much he himself needed this.
"I'm sorry, Wookie. I'm sorry. Hyung has been selfish this whole time. You've done nothing wrong i promise you." He felt the youngest's grip on his waist tighten, almost like if he wasn't careful, he'd slip away from him again. His big body almost engulfed him and he leaned down to rest his head on Matthew's shoulder. The latter exhaled shakily feeling Gunwook's breath on his neck. Everything was so innocent, just a friend hugging a friend, but Matthew's brain and heart could't contain themselves.
"Matthew" Gunwook whispered against his neck, unwilling to let go. This man would be the death of him. Here Matthew is, trying his best to console his friend but the friend in question is in a mission to drive him mad. Matthew tried to let out a hum of acknowledgment, but is sounded more like a whine than anything. Oh fuck him.
"Matthew." He said more sternly this time, trying to pull away and look at him clearly. Matthew shook his head and clinged harder on him. He wasn't about to face the love of his life that saw him as a friend after he let out an embarrassing sound like that. You'd have to kill him first. "Please, we need to talk, don't you think, baby?" This time Matthew let out an actual whine as he felt himself blush all over. He was too weak for Gunwook when he used pet names and he knew it too, using it to his advantage. Gunwook slowly raised his head, lips ghosting over Matthew's neck on the way. Their bodies were glued together and the distance between their faces was almost nonexistent at this point. Matthew kept his eyes closed, scared of what he'd do if he saw Gunwook at such a close vicinity. The younger started gently running his hands up and down his hips and waist, like he often did, making Matthew's breathing uneven.
This isn't normal right? This isn't what friends do. So why is Gunwook not moving away? What the fuck?
"Will you look at me please?" His hot breath made Matthew's head tilt higher, almost under a spell where Gunwook could control every fiber of his body. He slowly opened his eyes and looked straight in the younger's. Big mistake. His eyes were wide, dark and holding emotions that he couldn't understand. Matthew noticed how close their faces actually were now that his eyes were open. He looked down at Gunwook's lips for a second, realising that with a small movement forward, he could kiss the younger. Immediately scared of the thought he looked up, but Gunwook's eyes weren't on his, no. They were on his lips. His breathing was heavy and uneven, almost like he was feeling the same things as Matthew. Almost like he had the same conflict in his head. But Matthew reasoned with himself. That's not the deal. He put his hands on Gunwook's shoulders trying to put some distance between them. "Gunwook-" he started but the younger, looking like he was under a spell, started to lean down. "Gunwook please." Matthew pleaded with him. For what? He's not that sure either.Which one would be worse; To kiss or to walk away?
A voice outside the door gave him the answer. "Yah! Matthew where are you, you've been gone forever!" Taerae's voice broke whatever was about to happen. Matthew detached himself from the hug and he unlocked the door to leave hurriedly, not caring about how it looked that they were for who-knows-how-long in a locked bathroom together with him then getting out of there a mess. He didn't spare a look at Gunwook because who knows what he would have done if he did. He walked past Taerae that whispered a surprised "no fucking way..." and he went to take his phone from the living room to get the hell out of there. The members tried to talk to him and ask him where he's been but seeing the state he was in they stopped themselves. Matthew wa a wreck. His eyes were red and ready to release all the tears, his lips were trembling from trying not to break into sobs and his hands were shaking when he grabbed the phone. With a small "goodnight" he left the apartment to get into his and lock himself in his room to cry for hours on end.
Some people may think he's dramatic. He'll say; experience this yourself. He is almost 24/7 with his crush that he has to do fan service with, but that he's also close friends with so even when the cameras are off they're still touchy and loving towards each other. Imagine having your crush talking about you so delicately and fondly to everyone, but especially to your face. No one gets how many times Matthew has stopped himself from kissing the living shit out of Gunwook whenever he says how much he means to him, to him. It's one thing to hear those things in front of the cameras, or from other people or even from a clip found online of Gunwook talking about Matthew. It's a completely other thing, however, when you're in bed together at night, facing each other and he all but confesses his love for you. Sometimes Matthew wants to tell him to shut up, because he can't handle this when he knows how Gunwook feels, but then another more sick part of himself enjoys it. If Gunwook hasn't explicitly said he's not in love with Matthew, then he's allowed to hear those things and imagine that the younger means them in the way Matthew wants him to.
So yeah. Try experiencing this every day.
Hearing a repeated knock on the door makes Matthew open his eyes suddenly. He hadn't even realised he'd fallen asleep from crying so much. Looking at his phone and the clock saying 3AM he sighed. Laying in bed at 3am and thinking about your best friend isn’t the most ideal way to spend your Saturday night. But Matthew is a kpop idol in a successful group and in love with him group mate. So sue him for fuck’s sake.
He gets up to unlock the door, wondering who's up at this hour and what do they want from him. All he wanted to do was lay in bed and cry till tomorrow morning- or later today, whatever. Opening the door and seeing Gunwook wasn't his plan however, so he goes to close it again in his face, not caring how that would look. Gunwook put his feet quickly inside to stop it from closing.
"Not this time hyung" he said angrily. Matthew looked up in shock as Gunwook forced his way inside. He hadn't heard Gunwook this mad before, and especially not towards him. The younger locked the door and removed the key to put it in his back pocket. "Now. You can't leave no matter what." Matthew sat there in shock still not being able to understand what's going on. Why the fuck is he in my room at 3AM when i was sleeping and oh fuck i must look like a mess, he thought and immediately turned his back to him to hide himself. He starts wiping his face and fixing his face when he hears a sigh from behind. He doesn't turn around in fear of what's to come so he continues straightening his clothes next.
"Are you getting ready for an interview or what? Will you have your back at me forever?" Gunwook is heard saying and by the sound of the bed creaking he must have sat down. He must be feeling so relaxed right now sitting on my bed like everything is okay. Matthew thinks bitterly, even though he now knows that's not true. Their encounter in the bathroom earlier shocked him. He didn't know Gunwook was affected by this at all, let alone going crazy. A shiver ran down Matthew's back thinking about Gunwook's voice and emotion just a couple of hours ago. If he wasn't so distraught he would have been packing a boner right now.
With a sigh he turned around "What is it Gunwook? I was sleeping." he hopes the younger one thinks that his red, puffy eyes and his sore voice is because he just woke up, not because he fell asleep crying and sobbing.
"Must be nice. You were sleeping while i was suffering for hours on my own with Hanbin hyung grilling me to tell him what the fuck i did to you. And i answered honestly; i don't fucking know. I told him that he should ask you and then tell me but do you know what hyung- scratch that. I'm more entitled in a fucking answer than Hanbinnie hyung. You're gonna talk to me now." He was looking straight at Matthew, his back resting on the headboard and a pillow on his lap. That was definitely a sight for sore eyes if he was to ignore the look in Gunwook's eyes piercing through him. Matthew was hesitant in approaching his bed, being close to the younger not being good for his mental state right now, but he eventually sat on the edge of the bed, as far away as possible.
"I don't know what you want me to say." he said looking straight ahead, avoiding Gunwook.
"Let's start by you looking at me." hands were on his before he realised it. He was suddenly looking at the reason of all of his sleepless nights, in his bed, holding his arm with an unreadable look on his face. It felt like the moment he looked in his eyes, he couldn't look away. He hated how much he loved his eyes and how they made him feel like he shouldn't lie. How can he lie to someone so loving and caring? Someone that Matthew kept pushing away with no explanation, but someone that was so patient with him? He felt like shit. He felt guilty for pushing him away but he felt even worse for liking his friend and treating him in a way he didn't deserve.
At the thought of Gunwook hurting because of him, his eyes started watering. It's not the first time he's thought about this, of course not. Matthew's always felt shit, when Gunwook would hug him, hang out with him, talk for hours and all Matthew could think was i wish this meant more for you too. He felt shitty when his feelings overwhelmed him and he had to pull back for a while, so he could control his heart from doing something catastrophic. But for some reason, right here with Gunwook touching his arms and looking at him with eyes full of emotions, it all hit him harder than ever before. Because Gunwook has every right to be mad and demand an explanation. But what is Matthew supposed to say? Sorry for being a shitty friend to you, the thing is you're not just a friend for me, i'm pretty sure i'm in love with you and sometimes i feel like i can't control these emotions so i distance myself because i'm scared you'll reject me and distance yourself and even though it hurts to know those moments mean nothing to you, it'd hurt even more to not have these moments at all, because even for a minute i can let myself imagine that this is the reality and not my pathetic one sided painful love for you. Yeah. That sounds about right.
He hadn't realised a tear had escaped his eye until he felt Gunwook's thumb caressing his cheek and his eyes fill with concern. "Hey..baby.." he said softly, shuffling closer to Matthew so he can look at him carefully. Fuck. This is going perfectly.
"Please don't.." call me baby like that was what he stopped himself from saying. Because how does he explain himself? "Can you please leave?" Matthew said lowly. Handling a demanding Gunwook at 3-ish in the morning isn't something his heart can take.
"Are you...crying because of me? Do you really want me gone?" The hesitation was obvious in his voice and Matthew hated that he was the one making Gunwook feel like this. But he can't do this in his vulnerable state. He'll say or do something he'll regret for sure.
"Yes." he whispered turning his head away, not being able to look at him more. Maybe this is the best solution. Making Gunwook pull away, so he doesn't have to. Making him the one to stop this torture, leaving Matthew with no choice but to accept the terms. Because of course he will. He'll accept everything Gunwook gives him.
Gunwook got off the bed slowly, almost like waiting for Matthew to stop him. He didn't say a word till he reached the door to unlock it.
"I don't know what's going on hyung and why you're acting this way. I've always given you space without asking questions because i didn't want to push you. I did everything i thought you wanted even though it hurt me. But i still didn't show it because i was scared you'd hurt even more. All i ever asked from you was your company. Nothing more. I was always content with that. But you pushing me away like this..it hurts Matthew hyung. It hurts like never before. I tried to resolve this by coming here and talking to you but you're pushing me away even more. I know you're thinking we'll resolve this later but i don't think i can do it anymore hyung. I think i reached my limit. I feel like anything i do isn't enough for you. I feel like i'm suffocating you while you're running away from me. The more i give you the more you distance yourself. How do you think that makes me feel? Do you even care about me? I'm sure you don't even know how much i risked by coming here today. I was ready- ready to...talk. Openly with you. But maybe it's a good thing i didn't. Maybe we weren't the perfect match i thought we were. Maybe you don't value me as much as i value you. To you i'm just another person you'll forget once we go our separate ways. It'd be nice to know before i got so attached to you. Or before i took all your empty promises as truths."
Gunwook had left his room about 10 minutes ago. Matthew hasn't stopped crying since. Again. He didn't know how Gunwook was truly feeling this whole time. Was he really this shitty of a person? He's a fuck up. He doesn't deserve him. Maybe all these people online are right. Maybe all the hate he gets is deserved. Gunwook does deserve better after all. A better groupmate, friend, perfect match as he called him. Many people online called them that and they both agreed. They were the perfect match. Not identical but complimentary. They just made sense. That's why they'd use it as a joke all the time. But Gunwook took it more seriously than he thought. Because he, too, believed they were the perfect match. And Matthew ruined that. He ruined it again. He kept telling himself that he was content with just Gunwook's friendship but now he lost that too. He lost his one and only match. He lost his best friend above everything else. And in the process of ruining one of the best things that have ever happened to him, he hurt Gunwook as well. His Gunwookie.
The more he thought of Gunwook's words before he left the room and how he said them, the more he feels like the air in the room evaporates. Was it always this hard to breathe? Isn't it a thing the body automatically does? What the fuck?
Before he realises he's on the floor of his bedroom with his back on the bed trying to calm himself down. He knows this is a panic attack. It's okay. He can control it. He looks around trying to find something to focus his eyes on. His mind keeps going back on Gunwook and how hurt he sounded. He squeezes his eyes harder, in hopes the image will leave his brain. This isn't helping him to calm down at all. Quite the opposite. His takes shorter and shorter breaths, the air stuck in his throat. His vision is blurry and he feels himself shaking. A violent sob leaves his body while trying to breathe normally again. He starts violently sobbing and holding his head in between his hands, unable to do anything else. His head void with anything else; just the fear of Gunwook hating him. Gunwook being hurt because of him. The group's dynamic changing because of him. Gunwook ignoring him. Gunwook. Gunwook. Gunwook.
"I'm here baby please breathe with me." Matthew thinks he hears a voice but he can't pay attention. His chest is burning and everything around him is blurry. Gunwook hates me. I deserve this. I did this.
"Please, please Matthew, listen to me, it's Gunwook please look at me, i'm here baby i don't hate you, i could never hate you. Please, please." Hands cradled his head and in his messy state he saw a figure of someone sitting in front of him. Is this real? I don't understand. Everything hurts. Everything hurts and i've ruined everything and my gunwookie hates me.
"it's real Matthew i'm here and i don't hate you. Please let's take deep breaths together okay?" With a hand on his back, Matthew tried to take deep breaths. Something cold was placed in his hands and the coldness shocked his body a little bit. He started squeezing whatever was placed in his hands and kept trying to take deep breaths. "You're doing perfect okay, open your eyes for me, come on. I'm here come on." He slowly opened his eyes and his bedroom was coming in focus. He doesn't know for how long he was in this state or when Gunwook got in. It took him a couple more minutes to get his breathing to calm down and his vision to focus again. Gunwook was sitting next to him, with a hand on his back talking softly. Looking down he saw that he was holding an entire ice pack in his hands. “Matthew…”
Matthew looked at his right, shocked that he was actually here and not just a hallucination of his, to make himself feel better and calm down. Looking in his eyes and how caring but filled with concern they are, Matthew felt the tiredness take over him and let the tears spill out. He didn't know he had more tears left to cry but damn, apparently he's not done yet.
"Oh angel, it's okay. I'm here now. Everything is okay. I'm not leaving you again. I'm sorry. You can cry it's okay." Gunwook kept whispering reassurances while still patting his back.
"I'm sorry. I'm a fuck up. I hurt you and i don't deserve you and i'm sorry." he lowered his head, too guilty to look at Gunwook.
"Hey, look at me." Matthew shook his head, refusing to raise his head. The younger softly touched his neck "Please, look at me." he said even more softly, like he was scared of hurting Matthew. Reluctantly, he looked up and his breath hitched. Instead of anger and frustration, he was met with eyes full of concern and something he couldn't decipher, lingering in Gunwook's eyes. The younger, not pulling his hand away, started caressing the side of his neck with his thumb, bringing goosebumps all over Matthew's body. He slightly closed his eyes and took deep breaths trying to brace himself for the conversation that was inevitably about to start.
His eyes opened again when Gunwook's other hand reached for his own and he saw him trying to gently lift Matthew off the floor. He tried to stand up on his own but quickly gave up, realising how tired his body was. He let the younger take the ice pack from him putting it on the bedside table and getting under the covers in the bed after gently tucking Matthew in first. Almost like a reflex, he shuffled closer the moment Gunwook's body got comfortable in the bed and hesitantly reached for his hand. Noticing this he heard a small scoff that sounded more like a laugh than anything and then his hand was engulfed in Gunwook's bigger one and placed to rest on his stomach. With his free hand, Gunwook put his hand around Matthew's shoulders and brought him closer, making him rest his head on his chest. Matthew started feeling the rapid heartbeat under his head that almost matched his own. Gunwook hadn't said a word, probably waiting for Matthew to start the conversation on his own terms.
"Why did you bring me an ice pack?" was the first question that he thought of since he couldn't bring himself to talk about the serious stuff yet.
"Something cold can shock your body and make you focus on it. It helps me a lot, so i thought that it could help you as well." Matthew hummed playing with Gunwook's fingers while looking straight ahead. He didn't know this was a thing, but maybe it could be useful in the future.
"I didn't know you had panic attacks often enough that you had to research ways to try and stop them quickly. If i knew i would have been there for you." he voiced his thoughts.
"It isn't that often. Just when things are really stressful. You know i research everything anyways. It's not about how often, but about the reassurance that i know some ways to calm myself down or help others calm down a little bit." Matthew sighed from how caring Gunwook really is.
"You definitely helped me. Even when you didn't have to. Honestly i didn't even realise when you came back in the room. I thought you had left our dorms and went back to yours. With the way i acted before...i know i would have." another wave of shame came over Matthew and he tried to put some distance between them. Gunwook tightened his grip around his shoulders not letting him put any space between them. Not having the physical or mental power to fight back he rested his head back on his chest.
"Don't blame yourself. We can talk about this whenever you're ready. I tried to force an answer out of you and it overwhelmed you. I was wrong and i'm sorry." Gunwook said and yeah no. Matthew had done enough damage to this man and he wasn't about to let him take the blame for something that he absolutely did not have any fault in. He raised his head and twisted his body to look straight into Gunwook's eyes.
"Don't. Don't do that. You did nothing wrong. And i know that- we both know that. Honestly you acted way more maturely than me and i'm supposed to be the hyung here. I should be the one talking to you and trying to resolve things, not the other way around. And for that i apologise. Because i know i was wrong. And...i've always been. Every single time i distance myself with no explanation. You were right about everything." he tried to make as much sense as possible, given the mess that was going on in his head. It was about time he admitted his faults and talk openly.
"So it wasn't in my head right? You only..you only distanced yourself from...me? Not anyone else...? But.." why was left unspoken. He spoke slowly and with no confidence, maybe scared of what Matthew would answer. And what could he possibly answer? Lie? Again? How could he lie this time, without hurting Gunwook again or without permanently damaging their friendship?
"It's complicated. And i'm scared." he ended up whispering. Maybe Gunwook won't push him. Maybe he'll leave it at that, this unsatisfactory answer being enough for him, for now.
"But hyung..it's me. Why are you scared of being honest with me? Nothing you say could ever change how i feel- how i see you. I thought you knew that." Matthew could hear the hurt in Gunwook's voice, sad even at the thought that Matthew felt like he couldn't be open with him. But this is different, Matthew thought. How can i be so open about this?
I don't know if it's the love you want, that's for him to tell you, but what i know is that the love he carries for you is special. I think talking to him would be the best idea. He loves you too much to let this get in the way of your relationship.
Hanbin's words echoed in his brain. Could he trust his best friend's judgment?
"I know. Of course i know, it's just-" he untangled his hand from Gunwook's and sat up higher in the bed to rest his back on the headboard, with the younger following him immediately to match his stance. With a sigh he run his hand through his hair, trying to ease his nerves.
"It's just..i was scared. Sometimes i thought that i couldn't- no, that i wouldn't be able to control- to control, i don't know..me? How i act? Sometimes i just felt so overwhelmed and i couldn't contain it, so i had to distance myself. But i know that with no explanation, it confused you and i'm a shitty person. But i don't know how i could explain this. You know?" He looked up to Gunwook, hoping that he understood but at the same time praying that he didn't. He was met with confused eyes looking straight at him.
"I'm very sorry hyung, i am trying to follow you but i am kind of confused. Contain what? Control yourself..why? Please tell me so i can understand clearly. Please." he said softly. The way he spoke made it clear to Matthew that he was scared of pushing the older too much, from fear that he would push him away again. The realisation made Matthew feel guilty all over again.
"Yeah of course you don't understand, i don't make any sense. What i mean is. You- well we- we sometimes you know- well maybe not sometimes, i'd say way too often we...indulge in this fantasy and i feel like- you know the line gets blurry and i'm scared- i'm scared that you.. no i'm scared that i will do something stupid because i forget what's real and what's not and i'm scared that i will ruin something that i treasure so much. So i choose to stay away for a while, get my shit together and then come back to you again." Matthew said way too fast, tripped over his words and almost shit himself but. He said it. He started this honest conversation. So now there's no way out. He'll have to be honest and hope that Gunwook doesn't hate him too much.
"What fantasy hyung?" Matthew didn't look his way but he still heard it. He heard the uneven breathing and the way Gunwook said it like he was almost breathless. But he still didn't look his way. He didn't look his way even when Gunwook scooted closer and moved his head closer trying to force an eye contact. He didn't look his way when Gunwook reached out for his hands again, holding them like they're something to treasure. "Matthew. Please, answer." That's when he locked eyes with him again. Matthew loved the way Gunwook said his name. Honestly, he loved every way Gunwook called him, bushing in the attention no matter how he's addressed. But he especially loved when it was just his name. No hyung, no formality. Just Matthew. Matthew and Gunwook.
He hadn't seen Gunwook so serious before. It wasn't the same way they would talk about the future or their worries. This was something else, more intense. He thought he had him all figured out but today he had many revelations about Gunwook, and about how he doesn't know him as well as he thought he did. What was he expecting Matthew to say? What did he want to hear? Why did he look so expectant?
"This..thing...we do- you know. For- for our..for our fans, Gunwookie. That's what...i mean." there. He said it. How much clearer did he have to be? What else that they do for their fans and could confuse him could he be talking about?
"What thing Matthew? I need you to be more specific with me, please." Matthew thinks he's heard Gunwook pleading today more than he's heard him the entire 2 years he's known him and that doesn't sit right with him. He shouldn't have to beg like this just because Matthew is an idiot.
"The flirting Gunwook. The flirting and the stories we tell making it sound like our relationship goes beyond friendship. That's why i'm scared. Because sometimes it sounds too real and i'm scared of not being able to control myself because i'm an idiot that might do something that will ruin us forever. You're one of the best things that has happened to me and i don't want to lose you because of those feelings. I'm scared of it showing and you noticing and everything going to hell." And that fear is about to come to life. He said it. His heart is served in Gunwook's palms, ready to be shattered. Surprisingly though, he's also relieved. These feelings were always at the tip of his tongue and now they're out in the open for Gunwook to do what he wants with them. Matthew just wishes Gunwook doesn't hate him too much now.
The younger didn't speak. The silence was deafening and Matthew felt like crying once again. He was ready for the rejection he just didn't know if it was going to be followed with the end of their friendship as well. Not daring to look up he whispered "I'm sorry." almost ashamed. He knows feelings can't be controlled but the longer the silence went the more he felt that liking your close friend and then confessing is something that should be off limits. But now it's too late to take everything back like he wished to.
"Hyung...do you mean that...you like me?" his voice got smaller at the end like he couldn't let the words escape him mouth. It makes sense though. Who would feel comfortable in this situation when they don't feel the same? Fuck, did he burden Gunwook even more?
"I..i'm sorry Gunwookie. I wish i could control this but i can't. I'm so sorry. I just don't want our friendship to change. I will take care of this, i promise." with a hint of desperation he looked up to meet Gunwook's eyes once again. They were wide and staring at him unblinkingly. "I'm sorry please-"
"No." Gunwook said shaking his head and Matthew's blood ran cold. Fuck. That was it. He ruined everything. His eyes started watering again-
"Don't say. Don't say that. Take it back." he squeezed his hands that he still hadn't let go off.
"I'm sorry i can't take it back it's out now. But i promise you i will take care of it, please just don't hate me." The desperation was evident now, talking in almost a whiny voice, ready to get on his knees and beg. He didn't think he could get to this level but here he is. Ready to do anything for him.
"No hyung you don't understand, that's not what i mean." He looked at him like a crazy animal and Matthew furrowed his eyebrows. What is he talking about?
With a frustrated grunt Gunwook let go of his hands and-
Oh.
Oh.
Gunwook was kissing him. His hands were holding Matthew's face delicately and his lips were firm against his own. They were soft and there was a faint smell of cherry. Probably his favourite lip balm. Matthew felt like he was dreaming. His eyes were still open wide and his hands frozen in place from when Gunwook abandoned them. To touch his face. To kiss him. Gunwook was kissing him.
He felt the younger pull away and open his eyes to look at him scared, from the stillness of his body. Almost immediately, Matthew grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back in. He kissed him slowly and gently, not sure if when he let go and open his eyes, this would all disappear. There weren't fireworks or any bells ringing or butterflies. There was just relief. It felt like coming home, after a long day of work and cameras in his face. It felt like the first dive in the beach on a hot day of the summer. It felt like Gunwook's hug on a stressful day.
Comfortable. Bliss. Relief.
He sighed in the kiss and tightened his grip on Gunwook's shoulders. Slowly detaching their lips and letting their foreheads touch. He didn't dare to open his eyes, scared of this all being a dream. Scared that maybe he imagined all this and Gunwook is still sitting next to him and he's not touching his face, or even worse he's gone. He heard everything and he left and Matthew's brain imagined all this to protect him. He's not ready to open his eyes yet.
"Baby. Can you please open your eyes?" He heard Gunwook's voice and the air softly fanning over his lips. He shook his head slowly and he heard a small amused scoff. He felt his hand caressing his cheek and a small kiss being placed right next to his lips. "Open your eyes angel. I want to see them." This felt to real to be just his imagination right?
He slowly, hesitantly opened his eyes. He was met with the most beautiful sight. Gunwook's red lips smiling at him and his eyes wide but full of adoration. Matthew's breath hitched from the emotions they carried. All directed for him. "Hi." he said awkwardly not sure what to say in a situation like this.
"Hi angel." Gunwook said with a giggle. Is this real? If it's not his brain is fucking with him right now too hard and he'll be pissed (devastated).
"It is. I'm right here." He must have said it out loud. Or maybe Gunwook can read his mind. He was in a haze not sure what to do.
"You..you kissed me."
"I did do that, yes." Gunwook answered, biting his lip afterwards. Even though there was a small smile adoring his face, the anxiety was still evident.
Matthew opened his mouth again wanting to say something, anything but he couldn't find the right words. What does he say? Thank you? Let's do this again? Why the fuck did you do that, do you like me or did you feel bad please don't play with me. It felt like none of those things were appropriate, but they were the only things in his head.
"Can you say something? It was cute at first, but i'm scared of your silence right now." His hand moved on Matthew's hair next to brush through it slowly.
"Why?"
"Why i'm scared? I mean if you don't speak i will-"
"No. I mean why did you kiss me?" Matthew felt his cheeks blushing reliving the moment he felt Gunwook's lips on his.
"Oh...did you not want me to?" He said hesitantly. He went to put some distance between them but Matthew pulled him back in by his shoulders.
"No that's not what i- are you kidding? I literally confessed to you and you're asking if i didn't want to kiss you? I could do that like a million times a day if i could- don't smile like that to me i'm being serious right now." he said after seeing Gunwook smirking. "I mean why did you kiss me?" He said with a pout he couldn't care to hide. Was Gunwook just playing with his feelings? Did he kiss him to see if he felt the same way? If Gunwook did that with those intentions he will kill himself, no joke.
"I don't know how you operate, hyung, but me personally i don't just kiss people for fun or for the sake of it." He said if a pointed look and raising his eyebrow. Wait does that mean
"Yes. I like you, hyung. I just thought you saw me as your dongsaeng and went along with it, never even imagining you liking me in any other way."
Matthew stared at him for a second and then started hitting his chest. "Ouch. Hey why are you punching me- hyung you know you're strong and this hurts right- ouch hyung stop." he said trying to catch Matthew's quick punches on his chest.
"Couldn't you have said that like- oh i don't know- 15 minutes ago when i confessed and almost shit my pants? I've aged 15 years by now for fuck's sake Gunwook." he said with no real bite behind his words. The love of his life likes him back, he couldn't care about anything else right now.
"Wasn't me kissing you answer enough? Thought you'd get it with your pretty brain. Did short circuit because of me? That's cute." he said teasingly. Not even 2 minutes since confessing and he's already teasing. Matthew starts to regret ever saying anything (that's a lie this is the best decision he's ever made in his life).
"Well, i may not kiss for fun either but i didn't know if you did. Or if you kissed me out of pity. Or to check your own feelings." he pouted again and ran his hands up and down Gunwook's shoulders and chest. His punches weren't actually hard but he still felt bad.
"My heart doing backflips every time i see you was enough confirmation of my feelings i didn't have to kiss you to check. I kissed you because i was sure of my feelings and i couldn't stop myself when i realised you felt the same. I'll apologise for not saying it immediately but i will not apologise for kissing you." Matthew rolled his eyes "Did i ever tell you to apologise for kissing me? You'll apologise for giving me a heart attack by not confessing immediately though. By kissing. Come here right now."
He fell on the bed and dragged a laughing Gunwook down with him. His smile was blinding and Matthew was finally able to decipher the look in his eyes.
Love.