Chapter Text
WaterWhisper glances around before he slipped out of the camp’s back entrance, soundlessly hopping over the small stream that parted the camp from the rest of Riverclan’s territory, he now set off towards Sunningrocks at a casual pace.
He’s nervous to see BlazingHeart, considering it’s been a few days since he’d finally told his mate they were going to have kits. It doesn’t matter if BlazingHeart was positively ecstatic about it, he was still nervous. What if he changed his mind and decides he doesn’t want kits?
He tries to avoid thinking about it too much, letting his eyes wander around the familiar territory, now shrouded in shadows and illuminated by the soft bluish-white glow of the moon that hangs above his head. He appreciates the sound of chirping crickets and singing frogs, it helps keep the nervous thoughts out of his mind, even if just for a moment.
He can hear the river rippling from here. Well, he always can, the only times he’s been unable to hear the river was during gatherings, since fourtrees is quite far from home.
His paws are getting a bit damp from dew on the grass, but he doesn’t mind. He can see the river not too far from here, and eventually spots the stepping stones that lead to Sunningrocks.
He can’t help but feel a warmth in his heart. He doesn’t remember how long it’d been since he felt genuinely happy after FoxStride, but to finally have a reason to keep going- a reason that looked and acted so much like FoxStride..
WaterWhisper slowed to a halt for a moment.
That warmth in his heart slowly trickles away to cold dread. He doesn’t know what it means, but.. something doesn’t feel right.
Maybe he just.. doesn’t deserve this?
He doesn’t deserve BlazingHeart. Blazing should be with someone better than him- someone in his own clan. He knows nobody will actually care that cats from separate clans- specifically a riverclanner and thunderclanner- are together, at least nobody in their own clans..
But what about Windclan? Or Shadowclan especially? He knows that Windclan has a decent relationship with Riverclan and Thunderclan through Hemlock- but that’s nothing compared to how friendly Riverclan and Thunderclan are with each other, considering both leaders are quite literally father and son who still love each other dearly.
He especially doesn’t know about Shadowclan. They’ve always been a bit of a problem. He’s heard about clan history, the earlier moons of the forest, and he can’t remember ever hearing about Shadowclan being friendly with their neighbors and sometimes not even to it’s own clanmates.
He can only worry about what might happen if Windclan and Shadowclan learn how intermingled Riverclan and Thunderclanners are, because in all technicality, cross-clan mates are still against the warrior code.
WaterWhisper’s face scrunches a little at his doubts, his ears slowly pulling back and his tail twitching a little more than it usually does, growing damp from the dew.
He continues on, every step felt agonizingly forced as he grows closer to the edge of the shore, his eyes slowly trailing up towards Sunningrocks.
Huh, BlazingHeart isn’t here yet. Usually WaterWhisper is the one who’s late.
Who knows, maybe he got caught up in a late-night patrol? Or perhaps he fell asleep, or maybe he just doesn’t want to see WaterWhisper.
He tries not to believe that last option.
He shakes his pelt to clear his mind and makes it to the edge of the river, leaping onto the first stepping stone, then the second, then the third, until he’s standing on the noticeably dryer Thunderclan soil.
Slowly, he steps over towards that same flat rock he and BlazingHeart always sat on, settling on his flank to wait for the lovely flame-pelted tom he adores.
In the meantime, as he waits, he looks up at Silverpelt, at each and every sparkling star in the blanket of bluish black night. He wonders if RiverPaw and FoxStride are up there looking at him? If so, he can only hope FoxStride doesn’t hate him for moving on- if he can really say he did at all. He still misses that reckless tom more than he should.
It’s already been 22 moons since then, he shouldn’t still miss him, especially not when he has a mate. But how can he not? How can he not see FoxStride in BlazingHeart? In his bright pelt, his boisterous personality, his sense of justice, the way he’s so sweet to Water.. the only thing missing would be a cheek scar and a short-temper, and maybe violet eyes.
WaterWhisper glances up the hill, hoping to maybe see that vibrant pelt through the foliage, but he only sees a passing patrol- a few warriors he recognizes but can’t remember the names of, they just nod to him and continue on, unbothered by his presence.
He settles down on his stomach, curling his paws under him and coiling his tail around his flank. He looks upwards again, the moon is already directly overhead. Blazing has never been this late..
He doesn’t want to see you. He doesn’t want you or your kits, he tells himself. But he forces that thought out of his mind. BlazingHeart isn’t a cat like that, he’s too good to simply abandon someone..
“BlazingHeart..” WaterWhisper spoke in a soft voice. The orange-and-red tabby tom cat tilted his head and looked over at the blue warrior.
“Yes?” He responded, curling his bushy tail around WaterWhisper. Blazing was naturally warm, even in such a cold night like this. WaterWhisper appreciated that. Even if his own fur was long and dense, it was always a little damp.
“..why do you still waste your time on me? I’m not worth your effort. You deserve someone who can match your enthusiasm.. like ShimmeringWhisker” WaterWhisper asked, his tone even, but quieter than it usually it- which is already pretty low.
Despite BlazingHeart’s issue with his hearing, it felt that in the moment, he could hear WaterWhisper loud and clear.
“Because I love you, WaterWhisper.” He answered, lending a few gentle licks to the riverclanner’s cheek. “I love you more than life itself. Sure, I love ShimmeringWhisker too, but that’s different. You’re absolutely ethereal, your voice is soft and pleasant to listen to, your pelt is nothing short of stunning.. I catch myself wondering how I was graced with the affection of someone as amazing as you.” BlazingHeart shifted closer to WaterWhisper, his whiskers twitching a little as he dipped his nose closer to the other’s, pressing them together for a brief but sweet moment.
WaterWhisper stared into those red and yellow eyes, he watched the moonlight glimmer in the other tomcat’s gaze. He felt undeserving of such praise. He’s none of those things. He’s not even worth more than a speck of dust, something always there and something nobody really wants.
But BlazingHeart does. BlazingHeart does want him. And he has him, all to himself. It feels like a dream come true to the thunderclanner.
“..but why do you put in so much effort just to make me happy? I can’t help but feel selfish for how often I’ve rejected your offers to meet your family or more of your clanmates when you’ve already met MistWhisper and my former mentor.. it feels like I’ve been unfair to you, especially in those moments when I refuse to speak or touch you.” This is the most WaterWhisper has been open and vulnerable in such a long time- maybe the first time. He can only dread how BlazingHeart may answer.
“Like I said, I love you. I love you and I understand you’re not like me. I understand that all you need is patience, you need me to be patient and wait for those right moments.” He raised a paw and gently pressed it to WaterWhisper’s cheek, pulling him gently to look into his eyes, those beautiful deep blue eyes that he loves so much.
“It doesn’t matter to me if you don’t speak sometimes, it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t want to share tongues or sleep in the same nest sometimes, I understand. You need your space sometimes, and I’m more than happy to let you have it if that means you’re comfortable.” He continued, his eyes softening.
WaterWhisper’s pupils dilated until his eyes were nearly drowned in the inky black. Warm tears welled in his eyes and the fur along his spine stood, but he leaned into BlazingHeart’s warmth, letting himself have that love he so desperately wanted. Just this once.
“I love you, WaterWhisper. I don’t think there’s anyone I could ever want more than you. You’re perfect just the way you are, I will be here for you every moment that I can be.” He reassured the tom, holding WaterWhisper close to himself, his large paw resting carefully on the other’s shoulders.
“..BlazingHeart..” WaterWhisper spoke again after a comfortable few moments of silence.
“Yes, my love?” The thunderclanner answered.
“..I went to see SturgeonPaw a few days ago, since I haven’t been feeling very well..” He hesitated, slowly pulling back from BlazingHeart’s embrace. BlazingHeart let him, carefully withdrawing the paw that was around the other.
“..she told me I’m gonna have to move to the nursery soon.” His admission was indirect, he couldn’t bring himself to say it directly.
It took a moment for him to register, but when BlazingHeart realized what WaterWhisper was saying, his eyes widened and his fur fluffed out.
“I- really???” BlazingHeart stood, facing WaterWhisper directly. He was feeling every positive emotion possible in that very moment.
WaterWhisper nodded hesitantly, and in the next second he was tackled to the ground with a tight and warm hug, BlazingHeart had tears streaming down his cheeks as he held WaterWhisper close
“We’re gonna be parents!!” BlazingHeart cried out in a mix of excitement and shock, laughing out pleasantly. It wasn’t that loud, ear-piercing laugh he usually gave when talking to friends or other clan cats during gathering, it wasn’t the forced laugh he gave when in an awkward or tense situation to try and lighten the mood.
No, it was a gentle, wobbly laugh where he had to pause in between to gasp for air, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, his eyebrows forked upwards.
WaterWhisper was almost stunned at the positive reaction. He had expected BlazingHeart to be upset, worried, nervous, uneasy. Not.. so happy like this. But he couldn’t help but smile as well. He couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh along with the other, to wrap his own paws around the brawnier tomcat and let himself be buried in the other’s thick coat of fur.
Having a family with BlazingHeart.. that didn’t sound too bad, did it? No. In fact, it sounded like everything he might want.
Maybe it wasn’t what he saw himself doing a handful or two of moons ago, but the idea of it now didn’t sound bad at all. Being doted on by such a loving mate while resting in the nursery with a couple of kits running around? It sounded all too pleasant now.
He wonders, what will they look like? Will they be replicas of BlazingHeart like he and his brother are to their father? Will they look like WaterWhisper too?
Maybe he can let himself be happy.
No. BlazingHeart wasn’t that kind of cat. He isn’t the kind of warrior to simply abandon his family just like that. He’s an amazing tomcat and an even better warrior. He’s not cruel like that.
..But why should he be upset if he did? It was only a matter of time before those he loved turned against him, and he knows he deserves it.
He knows he deserves everything coming to him, he doesn’t deserve to experience BlazingHeart’s undying love he’s repeatedly assured WaterWhisper of, no matter how convincing of an argument Blazing makes. He doesn’t deserve MistWhisper’s attention and affection when he couldn’t even man up and admit that the tom is his own kit- even if everyone already knows. He doesn’t deserve the chance he had with WindClaw, even if that ended in their relationship an even bigger dumpster fire than it had already been. He doesn’t deserve BlossomHeart’s care and friendliness, he doesn’t deserve her going out of her way to invite him to share tongues or eat with her- especially when he rejects her offers most of the time.
But he certainly doesn’t deserve the patience he’s been met with. He doesn’t understand how any of his clanmates even tolerate his existence still, when he’s pushed them all away so frequently.
He feels stupid every time his chest aches when AdderEyes or WindClaw make comments or blatantly tell him about how much they hate him. He knows he deserves it, he doesn’t deserve to feel upset about it when he knows they’re right to hate him.
He doesn’t understand RipplingLake’s tolerance when he was an apprentice, and he especially doesn’t understand why the old tom even bothers caring about him now that he’s a warrior.
Maybe he thinks WaterWhisper is too incapable to be left to himself- that he’d get killed if not for the aid of another.
He doesn’t doubt that. It’s not like he was ever good enough to protect those he loved, how could he ever be strong enough to protect himself?
The moon is already starting to lower, though it still hangs overhead, and BlazingHeart still isn’t here.
I should just go home. It’s clear BlazingHeart isn’t coming.. he considers, but even if, he won’t. Not until the sun rises and he knows for certain that BlazingHeart isn’t simply running late.
So, for the rest of the night, he just lays there. He stays there, in that exact spot, for the entire night.
It’s been about 2 hours, the moon is slowly starting to descend, halfway through it’s trip back out of the sky, when he heard voices in the distance. He perked his head, hoping to see BlazingHeart-
Instead, he saw a few warriors- well, 2, and an apprentice. He recognized the warriors, though not the youngest. LavenderOwl and BarnWing, half siblings- he’d learned last gathering.
They spot him down from where they casually stroll up the hill and they decide to descend to greet him.
“WaterWhisper, how are you? Shouldn’t you be at Riverclan in the nursery?” BarnWing prompted, her tail twitching as they stepped closer. “Right, you shouldn’t be out in the cold at night alone.” The older tomcat, LavenderOwl added with a stern but clearly worried tone. The younger apprentice stayed quiet.
WaterWhisper glanced away briefly, up the hill they’d just come.
“..I’m waiting for BlazingHeart.” He answered, curling his tail closer to himself while he shifted to sit up.
They both grew a little stiff. BarnWing glanced at LavenderOwl, as if a wordless request for help- or perhaps a question WaterWhisper was unaware of. LavenderOwl slowly and subtly shook his head, but WaterWhisper noticed it, though it was not obvious.
“..well,” BarnWing turned back to the riverclanner “..we’ll be sure to let him know you’re out here when we get back to camp, but at least sit somewhere warmer? And a little more covered- you know there’s been some.. um.. demon activity around, recently.” They seemed apprehensive as they spoke, WaterWhisper frowned a little.
He doesn’t want to see me, does he..
WaterWhisper was quick to rid his mind of the thought. “..thank you, I’ll be fine, though.” He reassured them. “..I’ll probably be heading back soon, you don’t need to bother him.” ‘With someone so undeserving as me’. He leaves that thought unsaid.
WaterWhisper glanced over to the river, then briefly to the moon. The sky was already starting to have the vaguest shift in hue, signaling it was nearing dawn.
None of them spoke much aside from LavenderOwl’s quick “Travel safe” as WaterWhisper hopped back over the stepping stones, BarnWing and the apprentice were already heading off, presumably back to camp, while the eldest of the 3 stayed behind to keep watch until he could no longer see the riverclanner.
WaterWhisper’s eyes were focused down on the ground, he nearly stepped into the stream around camp because he wasn’t looking where he was going.
He probably got tired of me, I should’ve expected it more. Of course he’s tired of me, I’m a pain to be around. I’m only surprised it took this long- that it took so long for him to realize he was wasting his time on me. WaterWhisper’s steps were silent, but he had to hold his breath. The ache in his chest formed physically into silent tears welling in his eyes.
It shouldn’t hurt this much, he knew it was going to happen. But then why had BlazingHeart put in so much effort into him if he was just gonna up and leave? Why would he immediately offer to leave thunderclan upon learning they were going to have kits if he didn’t truly want to? Maybe he just changed his mind.
Maybe he’s overthinking it, maybe BlazingHeart doesn’t hate him, maybe he just wasn’t able to come!
He tries to rationalize, for once. He tries to convince himself that the one cat since Fox that has tried this hard hasn’ abandoned him yet.
He slips into the nursery as quietly as he possibly can. WhiteStar is there, resting quietly like he had been when Water had gotten up and left.
WaterWhisper curls into his own nest, draping his tail over his snout as he bears with the slight sting of a particularly sharp stem of- probably some kind of herb- pokes into his shoulder, he doesn’t care to move.
He lets the tears run down his cheeks and dampen his fur, he lets that burning ache in his heart spread wherever it wished to, he let his thoughts fester in his mind. Slowly, he falls into a restless sleep.
|^—____—^|
It’s been a week since that night. And night after night, he exited camp when the moon peaked in the sky, he stayed until dawn, and not once did he see that familiar bright flame-like pelt.
Now he was really starting to believe that all those thoughts were true. BlazingHeart hates him, he wants nothing to do with him- he abandoned him.
Maybe he’ll see the tom at the gathering? Maybe BlazingHeart will eye him without even turning his head, and then turn his eyes forward again to make it clear that WaterWhisper shouldn’t try talking to him.
He expects it, even. He should bear the weight of what he couldn’t do for BlazingHeart that led to this point. WaterWhisper was never deserving of his love, he doesn’t deserve to be having such an amazing warrior’s kits, he doesn’t deserve to still be alive- he should’ve died to that demon that took FoxStride from him- he should’ve been stronger and tried to protect his sister- he should’ve gotten up sooner to protect FogKit and MistKit-
“—terWhisper!” He flinches, and is met with familiar red and yellow eyes, flame-like fur.. but not that smokey-like muzzle. It wasn’t BlazingHeart, but SmolderingSnarl, Blazing’s father.
“..sorry, I wasn’t- paying attention” WaterWhisper glanced away, and heard a grumbly sigh- but no extra words. When he looked back, SmolderingSnarl was sitting next to him- and he noticed LittleFlame was there too.
..they never sit with him. LittleFlame maybe, but SmolderingSnarl? He felt like something was wrong.
Out of the corner of his eye he spots pale white fur along with another cat with blue and black, another with black, yellowish-tan, and reddish, and another with black and blue.
He turns, seeing ShimmeringWhisker- another Thunderclan warrior along with his 3 mates- he doesn’t know ShimmeringWhisker very well, but he knows that him and BlazingHeart had some kind of relationship? He can’t remember if they were just friends or romantic.
The albino tomcat did not utter a word, and the 3 she cats were quiet too as they all settled nearby WaterWhisper. Now, his heart was both aching and drumming in his chest.
Something’s wrong, he can tell. None of these cats would ever willingly sit with him- and he doesn’t see BlazingHeart anywhere.
Yet, he stayed quiet and just let them be, didn’t ask any questions like he wanted to.
He glanced around a little. BlossomPaw- BlazingHeart’s apprentice was off in the distance with a noticeable frown. He saw BarnWing and LavenderOwl too- LavenderOwl was looking at him with a solemn expression.
It was all too much- he was too anxious. His fur prickled, he could only beg that something didn’t happen. Beg and plead to the stars that BlazingHeart was ok.
He looked upwards at the Great Rock whenever he heard the Riverclan deputy clear his throat to grab the clans’ attention.
“Silence, everyone! This gathering will be starting, you will have your time to chat once we’ve finished.” The brown tabby, WarningConfirmed, spoke in a firm tone. If it were any other circumstances, if he had the energy to feel anything but dread, he might’ve thought about how great of a deputy he is- and even how good of a stand-in leader he’s been while WhiteStar is taking time off for his young kits.
But he can’t. He can’t even hear the tom speaking as thoughts race in his mind. Something happened. Something’s wrong- I just know it.
It feels like time goes as slow as a vine grows, and simultaneously faster than a hare running for it’s life. He doesn’t even know how long it’s been until he’s realized that both WarningConfirmed and SpottedStar have finished their speeches, and now it’s HornetStar’s turn.
The small tabby tomcat clears his throat before speaking. “We have.. much to share today, but I’ll start it off light. BlossomPaw, a former apprentice we took in, passed her assessment a week and a half ago and has been named BlossomHeart for her honesty and her openness to loving her clanmates. BlazingHeart did an amazing job training her, and I foresee her becoming a reliable asset to not only our clan, but to any cat at all who may need her help.” HornetStar announced, though his expression remained neutral- a little stiff if you asked him, as it always was.
“..but, on that topic, I must speak on something relating to BlazingHeart, as it is clear some have noticed his absence.” HornetStar began, and for a brief moment- they lock eyes. Blue to Blue, before the leader looks upwards again.
“A little over a week ago a very powerful cat- a demon, to be specific, had been terrorizing house cats and any warrior who dared to try and stop him. BlazingHeart was caught in the crossfire.” His heart sank at those words, his blood seemed to run cold in that very moment.
His ears ring louder than any cat can speak, it causes his brain to ache like he’s being hit over the head with a massive tree limb repeatedly. His throat feels like it’s constricting on itself, his lungs desperate for the air it wasn’t getting anymore.
He’s dead. Blazing is dead. He’s gone and I thought he hated me.
WaterWhisper couldn’t feel when a smaller, warmer cat pressed against him, not that he really cared. He couldn’t hear as a gruff voice muttered attempts at reassurance, he couldn’t see the white paw waved in front of his eyes.
All he could feel was his chest and head burning more than he thought was possible, but in an instant it all went away and he felt all fuzzy, his sight went all white and blurry and he couldn’t remember where he was anymore.
When he blinked, he was back in camp, laying in the medicine den’s nest, it was night- but clearly not the same day.
The den was mostly empty, save for ButterflyStep sitting by the den’s entrance, not yet noticing he was awake.
He just laid there, he didn’t bother to try and get up or call for the medicine apprentice.
He just laid there and closed his eyes again, hoping that he’d just die already, die and go to starclan to finally be with the cats he loves. Maybe then he won’t hurt so much. Maybe then will he feel like he deserves to exist. Maybe then he can be happy again.