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No, no, no, no .
Chaewon forced slow breaths in her nose and out her mouth, massaging her palms in her lap as familiar and terrifying feelings washed over her. She glanced at the cameras all around her, always filming. Always .
She’d managed to avoid having a seizure in front of anybody but the Le Sserafim members for so long. And now? Now, she was experiencing an aura in a completely different part of the country than her members, surrounded by cameras.
HyeMiLeeYeChaePa.
When she’d been invited to be part of the show, she was ecstatic. She loved the cast and looked forward to a vacation house and fun activities. She hadn’t even considered the possibility that she might have a seizure while they were filming.
She took her medicine in the morning with the rest of the supplements and received no questions from the other housemates; they all took supplements, and her anticonvulsant raised no alarm. She slept every night, and she didn’t stress about anything while she was there.
So why- why- why was she going to have a seizure now?
“You okay?” Miyeon said, nudging her shoulder with a soft smile. The rest of the girls were singing and dancing around them, and Chaewon would’ve normally joined them. But she didn’t trust herself to stand without falling. “Chaewon?”
“Where’s Yena?” Chaewon asked, swallowing thickly. “I need Yena.”
When they were all part of Iz*One, Yena and Sakura had been the first people that Chaewon told about her epilepsy. They knew how to help. But Yena was conveniently nowhere to be found.
Miyeon looked concerned. “I think she’s taking a shower. Do you want me to get her?”
She shook her head, standing. “No. I’m gonna- go.” She didn’t know exactly what she planned to do, but by the time she came back to herself, she was pressed into the corner of the bedroom she shared with Yena and Patricia, lights off, hands over her ears.
They felt like they needed to pop, reminding her of being on an airplane. But, there was no airplane. There were no members. There was nothing .
She swallowed as saliva started to collect in her mouth, and her heart sped in her chest, reminding her of the morning mission she’d attempted so long ago- keeping her heart rate down. What had she done then? Why couldn’t she do it now?
What was happening to her?
Lee Jung had watched Chaewon as she sat silently on the couch. She was the only introverted housemate, but she still enjoyed dancing with the rest of the members. Her sitting in a tight ball on the couch was out of character. She looked scared , and Miyeon- who sat next to her- seemed to realize it, nudging her and checking on her.
“I need Yena,” Lee Jung heard her respond over the volume of Patricia’s music.
They all knew that Yena and Chaewon had a tight bond from their time together in a group and their continued friendship even after disbandment. It was obvious; every time they had down time in the house, Chaewon was plastered to Yena’s side, and vice versa.
What was going on? Some kind of panic attack? Was she sick?
Chaewon disappeared towards the bedroom, and Lee Jung bowed out of the dance competition with Hyeri and Patricia, raising her eyebrows at Miyeon. “What’s going on?” she asked softly. “Is she okay?”
“I don’t know,” Miyeon responded honestly. “She doesn’t look well.”
Lee Jung beckoned for her to get up. “Let’s go check on her. Do you want to get Yena from the bathroom?”
“Sure,” Miyeon acknowledged her task and walked off to knock on the door.
“Wait, what’s going on?” Hyeri asked. “Why are you leaving?”
“It’s nothing,” Lee Jung dismissed them, not wanting to attract much attention to Chaewon if she truly was experiencing anxiety. “Just keep dancing. I’ll be back once I’m done.”
Patricia shrugged and picked the next song, and Lee Jung knocked on the door of the bedroom, sliding it open. “Chaewon?” The second-youngest was pressed into the corner of the room, sitting on a bedroll, her forehead against her knees, and her hands over her ears. It definitely looked like a panic attack. “Hey, Chaewon, what’s going on?”
Lee Jung squatted next to her, placing a palm on her shoulder blade. Chaewon was shaking.
“..na- I- I need…Yena.”
“She’s on her way,” Lee Jung assured her, glancing at the bathroom. Yena had opened the door slightly and poked her head out to listen to what Miyeon was saying, nodding. “Can you tell me what’s going on? Are you anxious?”
“It’s the- my Iz*One, I told…Yena…” She sighed, picking her head up. She looked pale and sweaty and so impossibly young that Lee Jung’s heart broke for her. “I told her- call…Kura. And- they’re- in Seoul, and- I-”
“Here, hold on. I’m going to take off your mic.” She reached around and turned off the battery pack, removing the bluetooth mic from her and setting it down, then doing the same to her own. There was no way to turn off all of the cameras, but at least they wouldn’t have audio recording. “Take some deep breaths.”
“Unnie? What’s going on?” Yena asked, walking in. Her hair was still wet, and she was dressed in her pajamas. “Miyeon told me there’s something wrong with Chaewon.”
Miyeon followed behind her, arms crossed, looking at the situation with worry. Chaewon shook harder, reaching for Yena, who took her hand, squatting next to Lee Jung. “What’s going on, Chaewon? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong. Looks like a panic attack, but I could be wrong,” Lee Jung explained. “She said something about Iz*One and Sakura.”
“Unnie,” Chaewon breathed out, grabbing at Yena’s hand desperately with both of hers. “I- told…you ‘n K-Kkura, I’m- my…seizure. ‘S…soon.”
Lee Jung looked at Yena, whose eyes were wide in realization. “What’s happening? What’s she talking about?”
“She’s- uhm- she’s epileptic.” Chaewon had told her in confidence that her epilepsy had made a reappearance around the time that she made her debut with Le Sserafim, and her heart was broken for her close friend. Being an idol was already so difficult. She turned to glance at Miyeon. “She’s going to have a seizure. I need two towels, a trash can, and my phone.”
Chaewon continued to tremble. “I’m…lie down. I’m going to- it’s soon.”
“I know, let’s lay down.” She helped Chaewon onto her side, rubbing her back and moving her hair out of her face. “It’s okay. We’re right here; you’re alright.”
“Have you done this before?”
Yena glanced at Lee Jung, shaking her head. “No, I’ve only ever seen her have a partial complex in person. I think this is going to be grand-mal. But she taught me the first aid I need to know. She’ll be fine.”
“Here, I brought towels and your phone,” Miyeon said. “Patricia’s grabbing the trash.” Behind her, Hyeri stumbled in, not knowing what was going on. “Where do you want the towels?”
“I need one under her hips and the other under her head.”
“What’s going on?” Hyeri asked. “Do I need to call the producer?”
“No, she’s fine. It’s just a seizure.”
“ Just a seizure?” Hyeri hissed. “Why is she having a seizure? Why is everybody acting like this is normal?”
“Because it is for her,” Yena explained. “Can you help Miyeon get the towel under her?”
“Yeah, here.” Hyeri hooked her fingers underneath Chaewon’s hip bone and pulled enough to slide the towel under. Once she returned her to the floor, she fixed Chaewon’s hoodie, which had ridden up. “What else do you need?”
“We just have to wait, now, I think,” Yena responded. Patricia entered, holding the trash can. She set it against the wall and stood back, observing the situation at hand.
Chaewon had stopped talking and instead was groaning and shifting uncomfortably, still clutching Yena’s hand. She had already started to drool on the towel under her head. Her eyes wandered aimlessly, tears streaking from them.
“You’re okay, Chaewon. I’ve got you. Just take deep breaths.” Yena assured her. “Unnie, can you rub her back? Sakura says firm pressure can help her stay calm.” Lee Jung nodded, sitting behind her and rubbing in big slow circles. Chaewon’s breaths slowed slightly, and she blinked long and slow. Was it a false alarm? A partial complex instead of a grand mal? “Good, Chaewon, just relax.”
Chaewon’s breath hitched, hands tightening around Yena’s, and the muscles around her lungs forced a cry from her mouth- guttural and painful-sounding.
“What’s going on? Is she hurt?” Miyeon asked, wringing her hands as Hyeri clung to her.
“No, it’s just the muscles around her lungs forcing air out,” Yena explained. “The seizure is starting. Can you start a stopwatch on my phone?”
Miyeon nodded, picking it up and starting it as Chaewon’s entire body went stiff. Yena pulled her hands away, holding Chaewon on her side with a hand on her hip.
“Is she breathing?” Patricia asked. “Should I call for help?”
“No, this is normal,” Yena assured her, glancing at her phone. It had only been twenty seconds, but it felt like an eternity. “Just give her a minute.”
Chaewon’s hands stretched out in front of and above her, while her ankles and wrists turned inward. Her face was incredibly pale, and she inhaled- an obstructed, painful sound- and began to convulse. With every spasm, more saliva came up. Her hands knocked against Yena’s legs while Lee Jung kneeled behind her, making sure she didn’t roll onto her back.
“This is horrible,” Hyeri said, burying her face in Miyeon’s shoulder; she couldn’t seem to take her eyes away. “Oh my god, I can’t watch.”
“I think we should call somebody,” Patricia insisted.
“No, I’m telling you, this is normal for her,” Yena shut her down again, pulling Chaewon’s shirt down. “She’s terrified of hospitals. If we send her, it’ll only make her more miserable. She doesn’t have to go unless the seizure lasts over five minutes, she’s injured, she has multiple in a row, or she’s not recovering normally.”
“How would you know what’s normal?” Patricia asked. “You’ve never done this before.”
Yena thought about it. She did have a point. “Can somebody call Sakura on Chaewon’s phone? Mine’s keeping time.”
Miyeon moved to find her phone and returned with it after a few moments, using Chaewon’s thumbprint and looking through her contacts. It rang three times before the eldest Le Sserafim member picked up.
“You miss me already, Chaewon?”
“Unnie,” Yena said. “It’s Yena.”
“Yena? Oh, hi.” Sakura’s tone changed. “Why are you calling me on Chaewon’s phone?”
“She’s having a seizure.”
“Oh, no.”
“She’s doing fine,” Yena assured her. “She didn’t hit her head; she’s on her side. It’s only been…two minutes, and she’s already slowing down. I just wanted to make sure I know what’s going to happen when she wakes up. How long does it take? Does she normally need anything?”
“Well, it’s- it depends.” Sakura sighed. “It can take her anything from a few seconds to an hour or so. She might need medicine for headache or nausea. Sometimes she wakes up confused and agitated, and other times she just wants to sleep it off because she’s so exhausted. Because it’s so late, I’d expect that she wants to sleep, but you have to make sure she didn’t…”
“Didn’t what?”
“Are the cameras filming this call? Am I on speaker?”
“Unnie, the editors are going to cut everything,” Yena assured her. “What were you saying?”
“It’s just- sometimes she can’t control her bladder. And she throws up a lot, too. If she’s soiled her clothes, she needs to get clean, even if she’s agitated and wants to sleep.”
Yena blushed. “Okay, I got it.”
“Are all of the housemates with you now?”
“Yeah, they are.”
“Please just don’t tell anybody about this. And tell the staff not to tell, either. Chaewon is- she’s very private. Nobody outside of our managers and members know. She was so scared of having one on camera.”
“We won’t tell anybody; we promise,” Patricia said. “The producers are respectful, too.”
“Okay, good. Just- Yena, if there’s anything else, call me right back. Text me once she’s okay, and if she’s agitated, call me, too, so I can talk to her.”
“Okay, I got it. Thank you, unnie. I’ll let you know.” They said their goodbyes, and Yena hung up the call.
Chaewon’s limbs had settled on the floor, her breaths gurgling through her lips, her chest heaving like she’d just run a marathon. Yena repositioned her head, opening her airway and wiping her mouth with the towel.
“Did she…” Lee Jung gestured at her pants, and Yura swiped along the material with the back of her hand. It was dry.
“No, she’s clean.” Thank god . Yena turned off the stopwatch then reset it, timing how long it took her to wake up. “Do you think that…maybe some of you could leave the room? Just in case she’s uncomfortable?”
“Yes, I’ll go,” Hyeri volunteered almost immediately. “I’ll be in the living room. Just let me know how she’s doing later.” She grabbed Patricia and Miyeon, emptying the room of half the people and closing the door behind her.
“That was pretty scary,” Lee Jung admitted, still kneeling behind her. “I can’t believe that’s normal for her…I didn’t even know.”
“Yeah, she’s not the kind of person to tell everybody her business,” Yena said. Lee Jung continued to rub Chaewon’s back, and gradually, her breaths slowed down. Finally, she coughed, and she blinked a few times, stirring. “Lay down for a while, Chaewon. It’s okay.”
Chaewon coughed harder, groaning and trying to roll onto her back. Lee Jung kept her in one place with gentle pressure, and the younger’s breaths increased until-
Eugh-
Her body spasmed, and they barely pulled her up in time, getting the trash can under her mouth to catch her dinner. It splashed to the bottom of the bin, and Chaewon retched a few more times, shaking with the effort, until Lee Jung wiped her mouth with the towel and she leaned to the side.
Yena grabbed her gently, pulling her in for a hug, her head resting against the elder’s collarbone as Yena rubbed her back. “How are you feeling, Chaewon? Do you need anything?”
Chaewon didn’t make a noise.
“Chaewon?” Lee Jung asked, sliding to the side to study her face. “I think she’s asleep. Sakura was right.”
Yena nodded. “Okay. Just- can you set the bed up and get rid of the towels? And the puke?” Lee Jung moved quickly to set up the bedroll and pillow, taking care of the soiled linens and the trash and helping Yena maneuver her to the bed. “Alright, that’s good. I’m going to-”
“Yena?” Chaewon asked, hand tangled in the material of her sweatshirt. “Yena, Ye…Yena-”
“I’m right here,” Yena responded, grabbing her hand. “I’m coming back. I just have to step away for a second, and-”
Chaewon clung to her hand. “No, don’t...”
Yena glanced at Lee Jung, who motioned for her to stay. “I’ll tell them she’s alright. Just lay down with her and yell if you need anything.”
Yena nodded, settling onto the bedroll. Chaewon came up beside her, head tucked against her chin. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for her to fall asleep again, breaths puffing against Yena’s neck. While the elder would normally be overstimulated by this, she was grateful to have the proof of life.
Chaewon woke slowly the next morning, her head pounding and her muscles sore. The room was empty, and the house was silent. No alarms had gone off, no voice had announced the morning mission. She didn’t even remember going to sleep last night. What was going on ?
She rolled out of bed with a wince and slid the door open, finding Hyeri and Patricia cooking in the kitchen and the others lounging on the sofas.
“There’s no mission?” she asked, voice gravelly. Five heads turned to stare at her, and she stared right back, confused. “What time is it?”
Yena was the first to approach her, looking her up and down. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” she responded, though truthfully, her head was throbbing fiercely and her muscles hurt like she’d worked out for the first time in months. “What’s going on? Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You don’t remember what happened last night?”
Chaewon thought hard. They were dancing in the living room. She remembered sleeping in the same bed as Yena but couldn’t remember how they got there. “No. Did we drink?”
“You had a seizure,” Yena said. “Everything was fine, and you went to bed right afterwards, but we told the producers to take it easy today. It seemed like you could use the rest.”
“A seizure,” Chaewon parroted, suddenly feeling faint. She grabbed Yena’s wrists, staring at everybody else in the room, who looked like they felt sorry for her. “Did everybody see? Was it on camera?”
“They deleted it,” Hyeri assured her, walking up and placing a hand on her back. “The footage is gone.”
Chaewon’s heart beat fast in her chest, and she thought about her next actions. Should she leave? Should she call her members? Her manager? “I’m…I’m so sorry.”
“What are you talking about?” Miyeon asked. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“This is a healing show- comedy, and- I didn’t know this would happen.” She shook her head. “I probably scared you.”
“Ya, Kim Chaewon,” Lee Jung called to her from the couch. “We’re just glad you’re okay. And if it happens again, we know how to help you now. It’s fine . Your secret is still a secret, and we all got a little more sleep out of it.” She beckoned for Chaewon to come and take a seat on the couch. “Let’s wait for the food to be ready; come on."
She walked with Yena to the couch and sank into it, a cushion on her lap. They easily shifted back into peaceful banter, and Chaewon’s dizziness abided. Was it really this easy to tell others? Why weren’t they angry? Scared? Annoyed?
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Yena asked softly, scooting closer and patting her hip.
Chaewon nodded, leaning on her shoulder. “I’m fine. It happens more often than I’d like.”
Yena frowned, her arm looped loosely around Chaewon’s waist. “I’m sorry.”
Chaewon shrugged. “It does me no good to be upset about it. That won’t change anything. I just try to be thankful for my job and my company- my members, and you. I know it’s not easy to put up with.”
“We aren’t putting up with anything,” Yena assured her. “If I was epileptic instead of you, would you say that I’m burdensome?”
You’re not, though . “I guess not. I’d just handle it.”
“Right.” She slapped Chaewon lightly. “So shut up and eat this breakfast.”
Hyeri and Patricia called them to the dining table, and they all gathered around, eating and joking like they were used to, preparing for the minigames and challenges of the day.
It was almost as if it had never happened.
Chaewon didn’t miss the lingering glances or comforting touches, the extra cheers she got for guessing answers correctly during their minigames, and the lack of teasing when she was wrong. But despite all of this, they treated her just as they always had- as a friend.
Perhaps- if others knew- it wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.
“Thank you for everything,” she said, wheeling her luggage out the front door at the conclusion of their weekend together. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Text us when you get home,” Hyeri instructed, pulling her in for a hug. “Try not to overwork yourself. We need you healthy for season two.”
Chaewon chuckled at the running joke. “I will. I can’t have you replacing me with a different ‘Chae’.” She pulled away, giving soft smiles to the rest of them then walking to her car, sighing contentedly.
Her worst fears had come to fruition. People outside of the group knew about her epilepsy, but she just felt…fine. Could she expect everybody to react that way? Would it be alright?
She hoped she didn’t have to find out. At least- not yet.