Chapter Text
People like you always want back the love they gave away
And people like me wanna believe you when you say you've changed
Lorelai knew she shouldn’t be feeling as miserable as she did right now.
It was her best friend’s wedding day, the happiest day of Sookie’s life, and it was taking every ounce of concentration in her to keep from bursting into tears. She felt pathetic. She should have expected this. It was almost laughable.
For years, she had ruined every serious relationship, holding onto hope that Christopher would grow up, be ready to step up as a father, actually be a partner she could depend upon. And he was doing all that.
But he was doing it for someone else.
Sherry was pregnant, and Christopher was leaving Lorelai, again. The timing was so perfect that she could burst out laughing.
She hadn’t even brought herself to break the news to Rory yet. The news that, even though just hours ago she was staring at the prospect of her parents finally being together after all these years, of the three of them finally being a family, Christopher was leaving again. He was going back to Sherry, and they were going to have a baby. A baby that would have two parents. The father that Rory would never have.
“You okay?” A voice broke through the endless chatter, laughing and happiness that surrounded her.
Looking up, Lorelai was met with a pair of familiar blue eyes, though dressed in very different attire than the usual flannel and backwards baseball cap.
“Fine.” Lorelai muttered back, not really feeling up to talking to anyone at the moment, especially someone who still hadn’t forgiven her despite her many attempts at apologising.
“You don’t look fine.” Luke sat down beside her, clearly not picking up on the fact that if she had to tell someone what had just happened, she would burst into endless floods of tears.
“Jee, thanks.” Lorelai bit back, shooting daggers towards him.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“What are you doing here anyway?”
“I was invited.” Luke rolled his eyes as he took a long sip from his drink.
“I meant, what are you doing sitting here with me? I thought you just wanted to be the guy who pours my coffee. I don’t see any coffee here.” Lorelai turned her head away as she spoke. Just another thing to add to her list of reasons for being on the verge of tears.
Luke stared at her intensely as he said softly, “If that’s what you want, I’ll go.”
But he didn’t move.
He stayed sat there for several beats until Lorelai mumbled, “You know that’s not what I want.” Letting out a deep sigh as a single tear ran down her cheek, she continued, “God, I’m truly pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic.”
“Really? I’m sat here at my best friend’s wedding, on the verge of tears because Christopher left me, again, my daughter’s going to Washington for the entire summer and the only person I have left won’t forgive me, no matter how hard I try.” Lorelai wiped back the tears that were now falling freely down her face. “What do I need to do to convince you I’m sorry? For things to go back to how they were. I shouldn’t have said all that stuff. I know it was wrong, I just…”
“I know.” Luke muttered, placing a hand softly on her shoulder.
After a moment’s silence, Lorelai managed gain enough composure to stop her tears, though she wasn’t sure she felt any better about any of it. Christopher was still gone. Rory was still leaving.
At least Luke was talking to her.
“Do you want something to drink?” Luke asked, shifting in his seat slightly.
“What?”
“I’m gonna get another beer, do you want anything?” Luke repeated.
“Oh, uhm… I’ll have a martini. Thanks.” Lorelai smiled awkwardly as Luke walked over to the bar.
“Mom.” Rory called out as she approached the table, looking around for a moment before a slightly confuse look fell onto her face. “Where’s dad?”
Crap.
“Oh, well he…” Lorelai felt her heart crumple into dust as Rory’s face fell.
“He left. Didn’t he?” Lorelai could only bring herself so nod for a moment, unable to look her daughter in the eye. She didn’t think she could cope with seeing the disappointment. “What reason did he give this time?”
Lorelai chuckled under her breath. “Sherry’s pregnant.”
“What? I thought they weren’t together anymore.”
“Apparently, they’re more together than he let on. Now he’s gone back to her.” Lorelai moved to place an arm around Rory’s shoulders, but she jerked out of her grasp and moved to stand up.
“Well, good for him.” Rory said bluntly. “I’m gonna go find Dean.” And without saying another word, Rory took off hurriedly and rejoined the party, leaving Lorelai sat there in stunned silence.
The longer she sat at the table alone, the more restless she felt. She needed to do something but looking at the crowd of people dancing and laughing, she knew that it couldn’t be that.
So, instead, she got up and went in search of Luke, or more accurately, the bar.
“Hey, I was just gonna bring your drink over. Sorry it took so long.” Luke held her martini out to her as she walked up to him. She accepted it gladly, taking a large gulp as she did so. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No. I just had to tell Rory that her dad left to go be someone else’s dad. I’m not okay.” Lorelai laughed dryly, downing the remainder of her drink, hoping to find some kind of comfort at the bottom of the glass. She didn’t.
“Oh… Uh, is she okay?” Luke guided her to sit on the closest bar stool, but Lorelai barely even registered it until she was seated.
“Yeah… No… I don’t know. She just clammed up and walked away. So probably not, but she won’t talk to me about it.” Lorelai fiddled with the empty glass in her hand for a moment before turning towards the bartender. “Can I get another one of these? And another for him and two shots of tequila?”
“Woah, okay, slow down. I still have a full drink here, and we’re at Sookie’s wedding.”
The bartender stood staring at her for a moment, waiting for confirmation that she still wanted the drinks. She nodded then turned to Luke, “Look, you don’t have to drink them, but I really… I just really need to drown my sorrows right now, okay?”
Luke stared her down for a moment before collapsing onto the stool beside her. “Fine.” He mumbled through gritted teeth. “But I’m not letting you drink alone.”
“Ha. I knew you’d cave. Now drink up, I’m already ahead of you.” Lorelai laughed as Luke rolled his eyes at her before obediently bringing his glass to his mouth.
Five rounds and six shots of tequila later, the pair were slurring seamlessly through their words and laughing their asses off.
“I can’t believe you made out with Crazy Carrie.” Lorelai cried out between gasps.
“I was sixteen, I didn’t exactly have the greatest judgement skills.” Luke slurred back.
“Look who you’re talking to. I had a kid at sixteen.” Lorelai pointed at herself dramatically. “I had a kid with a guy who left us to be a father to some other kid. Though I suppose that’s better than when he left when she was a baby to go backpacking around Europe.” Lorelai paused and starred down at her empty glass before turning back to the bartender, whose name, she had come to learn, was Isaac. “Hey… Isaac. Helooo… we need another round over here.”
“Yeah.” Luke joined in, finishing off the last of his drink.
“Sorry, you guys are cut off.”
Ah, the dreaded words to crush the fun of any drinking experience.
“Well, crap.” Lorelai sighed. “What do we do now?”
“I don’t know. I’m not exactly an expert at drinking.” Luke’s eyes flicked around the party for a moment before falling back to Lorelai.
“Me neither. Having a kid underfoot doesn’t leave much time for wild nights.”
Luke and Lorelai sat in silence for a moment, both searching their brains for something to do to avoid joining in on the happiness of the reception. Music echoed loudly from the speakers as Jackson and Sookie swayed their way around the dancefloor in what Lorelai assumed must be their first dance, but the alcohol clouding her brain wouldn’t allow that knowledge to fully implant itself.
Hopelessly, she tried scanning the crowd for Rory, but she was either not there or Lorelai was too inebriated to find her. If she were a more rebellious kid, Lorelai might’ve been worried. But Lorelai fully trusted her.
Plus, if she was about to spend the entire summer in Washington, Lorelai supposed that she was probably mature enough to not need to be watched over the entire evening.
“Hey…Luke.” Luke’s head swivelled to look at her. “Do you ever want to get married?”
Suddenly his eyes widened, and his eyebrows shot up on his forehead. “Huh?”
“Married? You wanna-” Lorelai hiccupped between her words. A telltale sign that maybe the bartender was right to cut them off. “Do it? The whole ‘Mrs Backwards Baseball Cap’ thing appeal to you?”
“To you?” Luke clarified.
Lorelai was so taken aback that she nearly fell backwards off of her stool. This was Luke. Her friend. Did he really think she was proposing to him?
He was certainly attractive, though not her usual type. But maybe that was a good thing. None of those guys had worked out, after all. And she had to admit that the thought had occasionally crossed her mind.
“Either?” Lorelai dared. She was playing a dangerous game here. The line between friends that they had often danced around but never crossed was being blurred and there would be no going back from it if it was.
“Well… I uhm…” Luke stuttered clumsily, but before Lorelai could get his answer, they were interrupted.
“Lorelai!” Sookie called out as she walked over to them. “I feel like I’ve hardly seen you all day.”
“Me too.” Lorelai slurred, causing Sookie to raise an eyebrow. “I’ve just been sat here with Luke and our good pal Isaac back there. Say hello Isaac.”
Over the top of her head she suspected she heard Isaac confirming to Sookie that she’d been cut off, though she couldn’t be certain.
“Okay hon. As long as you’re okay.”
“I am. I am now, thanks to Luke, and Isaac and Jose Cuervo.”
“Who?” Luke placed his hand on her shoulder, turning her slightly to face him.
“The tequila. Jose Cuervo. The brand.” As Luke nodded his head, Lorelai turned to look at Sookie again. She could feel her heart swelling, her friend looked truly stunning and completely happy. “You’re such a pretty bride.”
“Thank you, honey. And you’re a pretty bridesmaid.” Sookie said back, though Lorelai got a slight sense that Sookie was teasing her about her drunkenness.
“I don’t feel pretty. Not as pretty as Sherry, clearly.”
“Who?” Sookie asked.
“Christopher’s Sherry. Christopher’s Sherry, who’s pregnant with Christopher’s baby. Christopher’s baby that is more important to him that Christopher’s Lorelai’s.” Lorelai let herself be consumed by self-pity for a beat longer before cutting off Sookie trying to reassure that it’d be okay. “Ignore me. Please. This is your day. Your special day. Go be happy, and in love.”
“Are you sure you’ll be, okay?” Sookie clarified, though her eyes were already turned in search of her husband.
“Yes. Go.” Lorelai began ushering her away before adding, “Besides, I have Luke here now. Don’t I?”
Luke was suddenly pulled back into the conversation from his previous state of staring mindlessly into space. “Oh, yeah. I’m here.”
“Okay. Have fun…” Sookie smirked at the pair before leaving them to return to the party.
“Fun…” Lorelai mused. As if she were capable of that concept right now. Yes, sitting here with Luke was entertaining, but fun? Surely, she’d need to be completely happy to call it fun.
Was she happy right now?
She really didn’t know the answer to that. Sad definitely didn’t feel like the right descriptor for how she was feeling. There wasn’t anger. Maybe if she were sober, she’d be embarrassed about being so worked up over Christopher doing the most predictably Christopher thing he could do. But she was so far from sober it wouldn’t be able to hear her if she screamed at the top of her lungs.
“We must be the most depressing people here right now.” Lorelai heard Luke speaking beside her, though she wasn’t sure he was talking to anyone in particular.
“We could fix that?”
Luke turned to face her; his eyes slightly wide as if her were intrigued by what she could possibly be thinking. “How, we’re two people sat alone at a bar whilst everyone else is laughing, dancing…”
“I don’t know.” They both deflated back into their seats.
“Yeah…”
“What’s fun?”
“Why’re you asking me. I’m the least fun person in this town. You… you are the most fun and exciting person in this town. It should be easy for you to think of something fun to do.” Lorelai’s head began buzzing as Luke spoke. He was talking about her as if she were the most miraculous person to ever exist; he was making it sound like he was in total awe of her.
Lorelai couldn’t resist the demand to laugh bitterly at that. “Oh yeah, I’m fun. Everyone loves me. I’m fun, and exciting, always down for a good time. Lorelai Gilmore: good for a fun time, not a long time, though. No, that’s when they really get to know me. It doesn’t matter whether it’s them running, or me. It always ends. I’m always too much. Too much for my parents, for Max, for Christopher. I even got to be too much for you. I ruined that, just like I ruined everything else.”
At some point, tears began tumbling recklessly down her face. The final cherry on the cake to make herself look like a total embarrassment. Luke had wrapped his arm around her, the warmth and comfort radiating from him grew to be too strong to resist as Lorelai collapsed into him.
She was making a mess of his shirt, her tears mixed with mascara, but he didn’t push her away. His arm remained locked tightly around her, holding her against him until her sobs subsided to occasional shakes. The tears in her eyes eventually dried up
“Sorry…” Lorelai mumbled into his chest as she shifted to move out of his grasp, but he didn’t let her go.
Keeping her pressed tightly against him, his voice came out barely louder than a whisper, “You’re not too much. You were never too much… Especially not to me.”
“I was. I always am. I push people away the moment they start getting close to me.”
“You try to, sometimes. But you shouldn’t. You’re amazing, and everyone is lucky to have you in their lives.”
“You’re not lucky to have me.” Lorelai sat up, their eyes locking onto each other intensely. “I yelled at you, and I hurt you.”
“You did. But I lived.” Lorelai felt Luke’s hand grasp her own, the touch sending a jolt of electricity through her body. “My life has been infinitely better with you in it.” Lorelai tried to roll her eyes, but Luke continued, “Who else can make me go to crazy town things, or make me actually look forward to town meetings just so I might see her? Who else could make me want to keep the Diner open late every Friday, just because she might come in begging for coffee? Who would help me when I’m arranging my uncle’s funeral, or paint my entire Diner singlehandedly?”
“Luke…” Lorelai felt all the breath leaving her body. There he was, speaking about her like she was the greatest thing that ever walked the Earth. Like she was perfect. Almost like… like he’d been in love with her for years.
“No, don’t stop me, please.” Luke’s eyes were pleading with her to listen. “This might be the only time I have the confidence to get this out. You are never too much. Not to me. You’re just right, perfect. I know you don’t feel the same way. And that’s okay, I’ve learned to live with that over the years.”
“That’s not true.” Lorelai breathed. Her heart was racing, hands trembling. “I…”
She didn’t know which one of them moved first, but within an instant their lips were crashing together as if they were magnets. Neither one of them were able to resist the pull any longer. It was a kiss fuelled by years of longing. Years of hidden glances and stolen stares when the other was oblivious.
As quickly as the kiss had started, however, Luke jerked backwards so suddenly that he nearly fell to the floor.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m an idiot.” Luke groaned, standing as he ran his hands over his head.
“No, it’s my fault.” Lorelai stood herself, needing a moment to regain her balance. “I kissed you too. God, we kissed.”
“So much for being friends again.” Luke muttered. “I’m gonna go, I shouldn’t have… I’m just gonna go.”
Lorelai stood their stunned, watching as her friend stumbled back towards the Inn, every step away from her stabbing her heart over again. He’d sat there and all but confessed his love for her. Luke, who had watched her go from guy to guy. From heartbreak to heartbreak. Luke, who probably knew her better than either of them ever thought they had.
“Wait!” Lorelai called out as she attempted to catch up to him.
When he didn’t even turn his head, she stopped, kicking her shoes form her feet, not caring where they landed and took off towards him at full speed. In that moment, she was eternally grateful for the glorious weather in Star’s Hollow the past week that had kept the grass beneath her feet bone dry.
“Luke!” She yelled, sprinting into the building after him before the door could even close. “Wait, please…”
Lorelai gripped onto the back of his suit jacket, pulling him to face her. Seeing his face, so hurt and broken, crumpled the remaining intact pieces of her heart to dust and knocked all the air from her body, leaving her chest heaving.
“Luke…”
“Don’t, okay. I shouldn’t have done that. You’re hurt and vulnerable and… I took advantage of that. I’m… I’m so sorry, Lorelai.” Lorelai grasped his hands in her own, stepping closer but keeping her eyes fixed on the ground.
“No, Luke. You… you didn’t do anything wrong. God…” Finally lifting her eyes to meet his, she’d never felt so safe from just a look. So secure in the knowledge that this was a person she could trust completely. “Just, don’t go. Please.”
“Lorelai…” The sound of their breathing filled the room. Neither of them moved an inch, both waiting for the other to break the standoff. “I don’t want to just be a re-…rebound? Rebound from Christopher.” Luke stumbled through the words.
“You could never be a rebound for me.” Lorelai leaned forward slowly until she could feel Luke’s breath hot against her skin.
“We can’t do this now.” He whispered, his lips threatening to brush against her own with every word. Lorelai could feel her brain short-circuiting as he spoke, the anticipation mixed with alcohol coursing through her bloodstream clouding her ability to fully acknowledge what he was saying.
“Why not?” Lorelai moved her arms to snake around his neck, gripping tightly onto the collar of his shirt to steady herself.
“Because,” Luke rested his forehead against her own. “I want to be able to remember this in the morning, and I don’t think either of us will.”
Lorelai let out a deep sigh, ignoring the rational part of her brain that knew he was probably right. “We will. And if we don’t, I can promise you that this won’t be the last time.”
“How can you promise that when we might not remember this conversation?”
Bringing her lips up onto his for a moment, she tried to convey every feeling in her brain into that one kiss, hoping he’d understand that she’d never be able to forget this moment. That no matter what, those feelings would forever be etched inside her.
“Luke… There is nothing that could happen to make me forget this. Please.”
Lorelai felt his eyes searching her own for a moment, searching for that final reassurance that she really wanted this. That she wasn’t just using him as a way to deal with Christopher leaving. The idea that he thought she’d do that to him threatened to hurt her, but she needed him too much to let it.
As the seconds slipped by, Lorelai began to worry that Luke was going to turn around and walk away from this. Walk away from them. But just as she was about to lose hope, his arms fell around her waist and his lips crashed against her own.
Lorelai had never understood the depiction of hangover’s first being discovered by sunlight streaming into the room. Her first sign was always waking with an incredibly dry mouth, almost as if she hadn’t drunk anything in several days. It became obvious that this wasn’t the case when the following symptom of a churning stomach began. Shortly accompanied by the dizziness and deadly ache in every limb.
It was by this point that she’d realise she hadn’t opened her eyes yet.
That’s usually when she’d be blinded by the sunlight streaming into her bedroom window and her brain would begin to feel like it had swollen to three times its usual size. Usually this would be the case, however on this morning, Lorelai opened her eyes to an unfamiliar room.
It took her a moment to regain her bearings. She was definitely at the Independence Inn. If she had to guess, she was on the second floor but couldn’t be certain from where she was laying.
At the exact moment this thought crossed her mind she was hit by the crushing realisation that she was naked. Naked, in a bed that wasn’t her own.
Suddenly, she jerked upright as if the mattress had just emitted a jolt of electricity, barely noticing her head and stomach screaming at her to return to a horizontal position. Looking beside her, she let out a sigh of relief that the bed was empty of all other occupants, waking up naked beside someone when you don’t remember how you got there was not an experience she wanted to have.
But her relief was abrupt, ripped out from under her by the note on the pillow beside her.
A note with handwriting she recognised immediately.
Lorelai,
I had to leave early to get back to the Diner. If you really meant what you said yesterday, please come over later so we can talk.
If you didn’t mean it, I’m sorry and I hope we can find a way to eventually go back to being friends. Or at least coffee provider and patron.
I really hope I do see you later today and hope your hangover isn’t half as bad as mine is right now, but if it is there’s some aspirin in the bathroom.
Luke x
As Lorelai finished reading through the note, her brain uncovered several moments from the previous evening, like she was seeing snapshots of the events that led to this moment. Her and Luke drinking at the bar; kissing at the bar and Luke walking away; Lorelai chasing after him and practically begging him to take her to one of the unoccupied rooms; and Luke obliging that wish in so many ways that had her toes curling beneath the covers just remembering them.
But this was Luke. Luke her friend. Luke who, until yesterday, hadn’t spoken to her for weeks. It was Luke and she’d jumped into bed with him less than 24 hours after Christopher had left her.
The thought made her skin crawl, like there were thousands of tiny insects playing all over her body.
She had slept with two different men two days in a row.
Contrary to what many people believe about teen mothers, Lorelai had never been one to sleep around. Yes, she had occasionally dated over the years, but between Rory and her work, she’d never done anything quite so slutty before.
The longer she lay there, thinking about what she’d done, what she was feeling, trying to make sense of it all, the more muddled her thoughts became. It was useless trying to sort through them all whilst the pounding in her head grew louder and louder.
She settled on the fact that she needed to talk to Luke, no matter what feelings she had and that there was no way she’d make it out of this room without a healthy dose of aspirin. So, hoping that the feelings she’d felt the previous evening would reemerge as the aspirin dwindled the consequences of her excessive drinking, she stood on shaky legs and made her way to the bathroom with far more stumbling than she remembered doing last night.
She just hoped she could sort through the mess in her brain before she missed out on pancakes at Luke’s that morning. They were, after all, the perfect cure for a hangover and this one needed all the help she could get for it.