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Dean doesn’t know how to deal with the pain anymore. At the age of 14 was the first time he truly felt like his life was something he could no longer handle. After a particularly bad hunt where he and Sam almost died because of an oversight that John made while using them as bait, Dean tried to confide in his father. He told him how scared he was, both for his young self and even younger Sammy, but John just told Dean his usual ex-marine crap. “Man, up boy.” or “You think this is bad?” were some of John's favorites. So, Dean just started repressing the hell out of it, until one day he read somewhere that when people felt the way he did they harmed themselves to feel better. Dean never told anybody what he did with this information but kept it somewhere in his mind whenever he was feeling especially vulnerable or depressed.
Now years later as an adult he’s been clean for years, that is until one fateful night, after, you guessed it, another particularly bad hunt. The problem with finally letting people get close to you is that never ending possibility of them leaving.
Sam, Cas, and Dean were on a typical vamp hunt, usually they would let another hunter take care of such a quick easy case, but it was only a 30-minute drive from the bunker. “You’d think they'd show their ugly faces by now.” Dean remarks as they continue to search the abandoned warehouse, they deduced to being the vamp nest. Sam sighs, somewhat annoyed, “Maybe they somehow knew we were coming?” “No, they are still here.” Cas says as he trips over nothing for a second. He tries to play it off but Dean notices and chuckles at him knowingly. As they continue their search, Cas unknowingly splits from the group to investigate a sound. “Hey Cas-” Dean turns to ask Castiel something but stops when he realizes he isn’t trailing close behind like he usually is. “Where the hell did, he go?” Dean asks as Sam is also now just realizing Castiel's absence. “I don’t know, he was just here, wasn’t he?” Sam responds just as confused as Dean, but not as concerned. “Cas!” Dean shouts into the direction they had just come from but is given no response. “Dean, I'm sure he’s fine.” Sam attempts to calm down Dean before his shouts alert the monsters Dean seems to have forgotten about. “Sam, he's human now, he could be hurt!” Dean is already backtracking before Sam could have even begun to stop him. Sam rolls his eyes before following Dean, somewhat feeling bad for brushing off his concern. As Sam catches up to Dean who is moving at a rather fast pace, a crash is heard from the room they were just in before, followed by a sound that is something in between a yelp and a groan. Dean's head snaps up in the direction the sound came from as he begins hauling ass, with Sam close behind. The brothers burst through the door in a dramatic fashion that would have made Cas laugh if he wasn’t currently choking on his own blood, due to the fact he was just thrown into a wall like a ragdoll. “Cas!” Dean shouts as he signals Sam to go after the vampire while he attends to Cas. Sam nods as he lunges towards the vamp with his silver machete. Anything that isn’t Cas, fades into the background as Dean barrels towards Cas to check the injuries. “Dammit Cas, what the hell happened?” Dean questions as he investigates Cas’s bruised side, causing them both to wince. Castiel's expression looks embarrassed as he answers, “I thought I heard a sound and thought I should check it out.” “By yourself? What the hell is wrong with you, why didn’t you get me or Sam to come with you?” “Sam or I” Cas corrects before continuing with a sigh, “I thought I could do it. And I know what you and Sam think about me now that I lost my powers. I’m not some defenseless baby now that I'm human.” But before Cas can defend himself any further, Dean interjects with, “But clearly you are!” Dean is so blinded with anger, which he would never admit was really worry for the man covered in blood before him, that he doesn’t see the pain in Cas’ eyes as he continues, “We leave you alone for five seconds and look what happened. Cas you really blame us for thinking that way? You can’t even protect yourself anymore, you need to understand that before you wind up dead.” Dean has so much more to say but is cut off when Sam interrupts, “Dean! A little help?” Dean turns to see Sam being pinned against the wall as the vampire begins to lean in, mouth agape. Deans immediately barrels towards the vampire and cuts its head off with a clean cut. After taking less than a second to see that Sam is unbitten, his attention returns to Cas. Now looking back he can see the pain in his eyes, not from the broken ribs, but from Dean's words. They help Cas up and into the car after coming to the conclusion that there was only one vampire in the building and whoever told them it was a nest was wrong.
The drive to the hospital was quiet. Sam was sleeping, blissfully unaware of the harsh words shared between the two others in the car. Sam stayed asleep through the hospital trip, Dean figured it would be pointless to wake him because he would probably just sleep in the waiting room, and then again once they returned to the car. The hospital visit was pretty short with little words spoken between the two, and then, again, silence once they were back in the car driving to the bunker.
They arrived back home at around 2 am, with Dean helping Cas inside and into his room before heading to his own. Dean, now no longer running on adrenaline, thinks about what he said to Cas and how little he meant it. But as scared as he was before, now having the weight of what happened fully setting on his chest, Dean is now terrified. Because he isn’t worried about Cas getting hurt, he’s worried about Cas dying. Cas leaving him. This thought, now fully formed, is enough to make Dean drop to the ground shaking and crying. Dean can’t stop all of the worst-case scenarios that fly through his mind, unwelcomed. Everything in his mind that was originally, "Cas is too weak to protect himself and is going to get himself killed", quickly turns to, "I’m too weak to protect Cas. He is getting hurt because of me. I not only will get him hurt physically, but whatever I say to him always ends up coming out angry and causes him pain." Dean begins searching his bedside table for something to make him feel better, he doesn’t know what, until he stumbles across an old hunting knife, he keeps in there for emergencies. It wasn’t what he was looking for but as soon as it catches his eye, Dean stops in his tracks as all of his thoughts stop and all simultaneously switch to one way to “feel better.” Dean hasn’t considered hurting himself on purpose in years, due to the fact he always ends up hurt one way or another on a hunt. He also just hasn’t been that low in a while with nothing he can think to do about it. Sam is dead? Make a deal. Cas was kidnapped by heaven and brainwashed? Break him out of it. But this? Dean doesn’t know what to do. He can’t properly make his feelings verbal without hearing his dads voice in the back of his head calling him a weak little girl. After considering all of his nonexistent options for far too little, Dean violently grabs the hunting knife and starts to carve away at his arms. Dean winces at the pain but doesn’t stop as he lifts up his shirts to make even deeper cuts into his stomach. "I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this." Are the only words playing on repeat in Dean's head as he replays every time he hurt Cas, Cas extremely and obviously undeserving of the hostility delivered by Dean in each memory. Dean finally stops when starts to get dizzy, looking down at what he’s done. “Shit.” Is all he can muster up, his attention shifting from his own bloody body to the now blood-soaked floor. Now out of his state of panic and mania, "This is going to be a bitch to clean", is the first thought that comes to Dean, followed by the pain that is the direct result of the knife still in his hand. Dean patches himself up in silence, cleans the floor to the best of his ability before dumping his laundry basket onto it, then goes to bed.
Dean wakes up the next morning in agonizing pain as Sam knocks on his door. When Dean doesn’t reply, Sam yells, “Hey have you seen Cas? I checked his room, but I couldn’t find him.” That got Dean's attention as he shot up, despite the pain. Before Dean could hurl himself towards the door the pain got him to look down and see the state he was in. Remembering the events of the earlier morning Dean yells, “I’ll be out in a minute.” As he rushes to put on new bandages and a long sleeve shirt. When he emerges from his room, Sam immediately notices something is wrong, but as he opens his mouth to say something about it, Dean cuts him off with, “What do you mean you can’t find him? Did you check the library and the rest of the bunker?” “Yeah, I didn’t check the garage, but I doubt he’d be in there.” Sam responds. Dean, trying to keep his composer as he not so subtly goes to check the garage anyway, is not so happily surprised when he finds that not only is Cas not in the garage, but neither is one of the many cars the Men of Letters kept. “Sam, I think he’s gone.” Dean yells behind him, not knowing how far Sam is, and not bothering to check, as he begins to call Cas’ phone. Dean has begun spiraling with the thought of Cas leaving them. Leaving him. “What do you mean he’s gone?” Sam answers his own question as he looks into the garage and draws the same conclusion Dean did. After a few rings, the door to the bunker opens with a loud metallic sound that echoes and catches both of the Winchesters' attention. “I’m back!” Cas announces cheerfully, carrying bags full of to-go boxes from a nearby diner as he descends the stairs. Dean lets out a sigh of relief as he goes to hug Cas before he can stop himself. Both men wince at the contact, which Dean understands but Cas gives him a puzzled look as to why he is wincing. Before Cas can ask, Sam grabs the food from his hands and says, “Maybe a heads-up next time you’re gonna leave like that, ok? Especially with what I assume are a few broken ribs.” Cas nods slightly before turning his attention back to Dean who is already hiding his head in shame. Sam leaves to set all the food in the kitchen leaving Cas and Dean alone. “Dean is everything alright?” Cas asks, not knowing it was the one thing Dean wanted him not to say. “Yeah man why wouldn’t I be? Real question is how are you? Your side giving you any trouble?” Dean shoots out these questions in a desperate attempt to deflect and guide the conversation anywhere but where it was headed. But Cas notices the ways he squirms and nervously pulls at the hem of his long sleeves. That alone made Cas curious, it was a relatively hot day, and even on cold ones Dean wore a T-Shirt. Putting that thought aside, Cas steps closer and puts his hand on Dean's forearm in an attempt to comfort him but is only met by a panicked, painful look, combined with a sound he hasn’t heard from Dean before, as his hand makes contact. Now even more confused and concerned than he initially was, Cas looks at Dean for an explanation, to his surprise Dean looks on the verge of tears. Cas didn’t know what he was expecting but this was far from it. “Just- It’s nothing Cas. Just drop it.” Dean barely makes out, still not looking at Cas. Anyone else would have left it alone, anyone else would back off, but Cas knew how Dean was. How he would push things that bothered him down into a place he thought no one could find. But Cas could. Even as a human, even without the divine power to pear into Dean's soul, he could find it. Even knowing that his words wouldn’t stop Cas, he hoped, prayed, that for once Cas wouldn’t push. But push he did. “Dean.” So much was said with just one word. Dean has obviously heard his name said a lot over the course of his life, but when Cas says it, it's different. There is so much feeling and thought behind it when Cas says it, telling Dean he knows him inside and out, and that is enough to send Dean over the edge. Dean is so overwhelmed, the stinging from his arms and abdomen, the hunger in his stomach from not eating since the morning prior, the headache from crying his heart out just a few hours ago, and now Cas. Looking through him like he always does. Dean can’t do anything but begin to sob uncontrollably into Cas’ signature trench coat. Cas was not expecting this but quickly adjusted to the new situation unfolding before him. “Dean, what's wrong? Talk to me please.” Is the only thing Cas can think to say to the broken man before him. Sam is about to come back and tell them that the food is laid out on the table but quickly gives them space once he realizes roughly what is going on when Cas gives him a look that tells him this isn’t his place. Once Sam is out of earshot Dean speaks, “Cas… I almost lost you. Again! And it was all my fault! You almost died. I- I couldn’t take it. Even just the thought of losing you again made me lash out.” Dean is barely understandable, as he is speaking through broken sobs, but Cas understands. He always does. “And the person I lashed out at was you! The one I’m so scared to lose in the first place.” “Dean, it's okay. I’m okay. Nothing you have said or done will ever be bad enough to hurt me so bad I don’t come back. I will always find my way back to you.” Cas tries to comfort Dean, but before he can continue, Dean interjects with even more tears in his eyes, “But you don’t know that Cas! Everyone who ever gets close to me either ends up with their life ruined, or dead. I can’t put you through that.” With all of the movement, Dean's bandages have come undone, and he has started bleeding through his thin long sleeve. Cas notices this, and Dean notices him notice. Dean is unable to stop Cas’ hands pulling his shirt, exposing his mangled stomach. Mortified doesn’t even begin to cover how Cas feels seeing this. “Please don’t tell Sam!” Dean frantically blurts out like it's his worst nightmare. Because Sam seeing him so destroyed and weak is his worst nightmare, right after Cas leaving him. “Dean what did you-” Cas can’t even finish his sentence. As an angel, Cas majorly saw things logically, and that part of him still holds true when he doesn’t understand. But even turning to logic, he has no idea why Dean would do this to himself. “I-” Dean couldn’t find the end of his sentence either. Cas reaches out to heal him, but nothing happens. "Oh right", Cas thinks, "I’m human now". Cas has never felt so useless, but he puts his own feelings aside and just holds Dean. After a period of time, Cas led Dean to his room so they could talk with real privacy. “Dean, I don’t understand why you would do this to yourself?” Cas is the most confused he’s been since meeting the Winchesters. “I don’t really know how to explain it man.” Dean admits, still not able to fully look into Cas’ unwavering eyes. Dean tries his hardest to explain what he learned at 14, and how it relates to now but the confused look on Cas’ face never quite left. “Well? Say something.” Dean pleads, not having any idea how Cas will react. “Dean. You don’t deserve this. You don’t have to punish yourself. Nothing good has or ever will come from it. And it's heartbreaking seeing you like this. How do I help you Dean? I haven’t been human for very long, but I know this isn’t a typical human problem, or a hunter one for that matter.” That last part earns Cas a small chuckle from Dean before the sadness returns to his expression. Dean stays still while Cas begins replacing his bandages, but this simple gesture only reminds Dean how caring Castiel is, and how much he feels he doesn’t deserve it. “Cas you don’t have to do that.” Dean says, full of shame. “Do what?” Cas looks at Dean in earnest. “This!” The intensity in Dean's answer catches Cas off guard. Dean continues, “All of this. Taking care of me, treating me like I’m worth it. All I ever do is hurt you, push you away, and here you are, bandaging me up like it never happened.” Dean looks so defeated as he pours his heart out in front of Cas. “Dean, stop.” Cas has stopped attending to Dean's wounds to cup his face and make him look into Cas’ eyes. “You are worth it. You deserve to be taken care of. Yes, sometimes you push Sam and I away when we try to help you, but it never works, we never leave because we care about you. Damn it Dean, I care about you.” Cas continues to stare into Dean's eyes and soul, unwavering. “But why?” Dean's heart is caught in his throat, as he can’t comprehend how someone as amazing and kind as Cas would care about someone as broken and worthless as him. Cas, now unable to stop himself, announces abruptly, “Because I love you Dean!” They both stop for a moment but Cas realizes it's too late to go back now so he says what he’s wanted to say for years, “Dean you are the most caring, selfless, and amazing human I have ever met. You don’t understand how much you affect the lives and world around you. You only see the trouble and problems you create, but everyone around you sees the overwhelming good you put out in the world.” Dean is now looking at Cas, just as intense as Cas is him. “The only thing I can see when looking at you, even now, is how pure and beautiful your soul is. It breaks my heart that you cannot see yourself as I see you, but if you would let me, I could try to show you.” Dean is speechless. All he can do is break into more sobs as Cas holds him close, careful to avoid the now exposed wounds along his arms and abdomen. After Dean, for the most part, composes himself, he finally responds, “Do you really mean all of that?” Even with Cas looking and sounding so sure of himself, Dean still has doubts. “With every part of my being.” Cas smiles at Dean warmly. Dean has more tears streaming down his cheeks again, but unlike before they aren’t from fear, pain, or sadness. “God, I love you too Cas.” Dean lays his heart out on the line for the first time in years, but this time he isn’t afraid of rejection. He isn’t afraid that Cas will look at him the ways he and all of his enemies have. Because Cas has seen him at his worst and not only didn’t leave but is now putting him back together with a silent caring presence. After Cas finishes patching Dean back up, they just sit together and talk. Dean has never been so open with anyone, not even really himself, but this feels nice. Right. Just being here with Cas. Content. "I deserve this", is what Dean thinks as he nods off in Cas’ arms, now with a new, positive meaning.