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You were both friends, once.
Friends. Friends. Friends.
She’d look at you, warmth in her hazel eyes, smile at you with that beautiful, beautiful smile which would always make your heart flutter.
You were near inseparable.
You used to sit alone together. She wasn’t somebody with many friends of her own, she was relatively new and a little unsociable, but that was fine. You were more popular; people liked you, if only for your money. She didn’t care about such things. In a way, it was better just the two of you. You could have her for yourself that way.
You’re fully aware of your selfishness. Honestly, you don’t really care.
You loved Rei, you realised one day looking at the mirror in your bathroom. You really, really loved her. You loved her more than you did any of your other friends, you loved her in a different way than you did your other friends.
The thought was equally as terrifying as it was enticing.
You stare into that mirror for so, so long after coming to that realisation, applying your lip gloss, - the expensive one you’d gotten for your birthday a couple of months back - your mind wandering. You wonder if Rei will ever taste it, you wonder if her lips will ever be stained with the lip gloss’ soft red. The colour would suit her, you think.
There’s a point where you come to realise that you have power . No more than the scope of your school, but you have it.
It's always been there - you’re a natural born leader , as your parents would say, your personality is sweet like honey; you can attract those worker bees who will do nothing but obey your own commands. Those friends are so lacking in true identity that they are faceless to you, but at least they do what you say. You like the control.
You let the power masquerade your moves, losing sight of what you want and what you don’t. You metamorphosise into something cruel and depraved. You see it every time you stare into the mirror, applying your lipgloss. Instead of thinking of Rei now, though, your mind is preoccupied with justifications, ways to trick your new form into believing you are something delicate as opposed to depraved.
How did it end up like this?
Rei is at your feet. Well, not only your feet. There are friends (followers) around you too. Two or three, not that many. Before this you were all talking about Rei, just talking, mocking her a little bit - nothing that bad.
You don’t know how she came to be drenched in water, crouched defenselessly on the classroom floor, clinging onto a table leg like her life depended on it.
You didn’t hurt her, though. It isn’t anything that bad, as you said . She’s still beautiful. Her miserable expression tugs at your heartstrings a little, tiny bit, but you ignore the guilt like a good Queen Bee should. You scoff as your friends (followers) laugh alongside you.
“I don’t feel anything. That’s right. Nothing at all.” You reason in your head to another person that doesn’t exist.
Rei seems disgusted by your apathy.
It’s fine. She’ll forgive you eventually. Everybody does. Rei’s forgiveness - Rei’s love - will be yours (again) sooner or later.
It's a few months later. The contents of your bag spill out in front of you. A few girls - your past friends - laugh, holding their phones out in front of their faces. Filming your distress, mocking your misery. They corner you. Everything feels so, so claustrophobic. You’re on your knees, looking up at them as they belittle, bully, hurt you. At some point during the attack your phone is cracked.
You don’t know how it ended up like this.
Those followers with no beliefs or will of their own now look down on you - they no longer require or desire your guidance. Their wings have spread and expanded and now they can fly on their own.
All of their wings are ugly, grotesque caricatures of a real, beautiful butterfly.
Rei’s wings are beautiful. You wish you could pin them to your wall, display them; despite all the expensive things you own, they would be the most extravagant of your belongings.
Rei was never a follower, never somebody who couldn’t fly. Perhaps that was why she held such beauty - the prospect of having something unattainable for your own is significantly more enticing than simply purchasing something. You could buy any material item you wanted, but Rei you could not.
You’ve spoken to her a couple of times about what was happening to you, and every time she’s done nothing but look at you with cold contempt. Does she believe this to be some sort of karma? What you had done to her, in her mind, was unforgivable.
But that can’t be right, you know it can’t be right. You have to be forgiven - you’ve said sorry again and again, and that’s always worked in the past. She’ll have to forgive you eventually.
You’re on the ground. Your cracked phone is beside you. You scroll through it with shaky hands, ignoring the throbbing of your head. You think somebody might have kicked it while they were surrounding you. You’re unsure if it was purposeful. You eventually land on a photo of you and your friends - or, you and your old friends, before they turned on you. You’re all smiling. Their features are blurred in your head despite the cleaness of the image - they’ve never been human enough to possess any to you. Still, you miss them. You miss the power you had with them
They won’t accept your apologies, your begs and cries of “I’m sorry.”
It’s fine. Their lack of humanity in your mind means they don’t count.
You are still somebody who deserves to be forgiven.
Rei walks into the room, looking down at your dishevelled state.
Your eyes dilate at the sight of her. Rei, my love. Rei. You’ll forgive me now, won’t you?
You try to reach out a hand to her, but your body is so weak you can barely even move. She walks away without even taking notice. She doesn’t even look into your eyes.
Rei.
Rei. Beautiful, angelic Rei. She will forgive you. She has to forgive you. If you push her enough then she is bound to forgive you.
You deserve to be forgiven by her.
You decide to chase after her.
You force your feeble body - despite how much it fights against you - up off the ground and begin to run. You throw the doors open with an intensity you are surprised you still possess and stumble outside.
The sky is pretty. It looks like a watercolour painting, colours blending into one another, surrounding everything in a dome which makes it seem as though both you and Rei are trapped in the centre of a blazing ring of fire. You can feel the fire burning your skin. Your insides boil, threatening to char. She will forgive you, one way or another.
You trip a couple of times as you run, graze your knees a bit, but you’re so filled with adrenaline you barely take notice. Sweat drips from your forehead and your eyes are so wet everything around you begins to melt.
You scream her name. Your breath is heavy and hitched.
She doesn’t react.
You scream again and again, until your voice goes hoarse and her name begins to sound like nothing but meaningless noise.
She still doesn’t react.
You’re getting closer to her.
You can barely see - whether due to your wet eyes or an inability to truly process anything in the pressing moment, you aren’t sure - your surroundings.
You grab onto her arm.
She doesn’t even react properly to the sudden touch. She still doesn’t even acknowledge you. It's like she doesn’t even view you as a person.
She will have to once you sting her one final time.
You get out a box cutter, hold it defensively in both hands.
Now she’s looking at you. Now she’s acknowledging you.
That expression on her face is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.
You want to cage it and never let it go.
“I- I’ll do it-” You say through spluttered breaths, lifting the box cutter with shaky hands, “I’ll kill myself!”
The hourglass wobbles.
You grip onto her arm with your free hand with such intensity you can feel your nails dig into her skin. She tries to shake you off, like you’re nothing more than an insect mildly inconveniencing her comfort.
The hourglass moves closer to the edge. It's only a small push away from falling off completely.
You continue. You tell her again and again what you’ll do, you remind her over and over and over that you’re not joking, not guilt tripping. You just can’t take it - not without her.
Look at me, Rei. Love me. Forgive me.
She eventually manages to shake you off.
Her expression is blank yet again. She just stares at you.
Stares.
There’s nothing in those eyes. No acknowledgement, no love, no forgiveness .
The hourglass falls off and smashes to pieces.
Escaped sand blinds your sight and actions. You are too consumed with the pain from the flying shards of glass piercing your skin to properly realise what you are doing.
Or perhaps you do realise, and are only stating otherwise because your awareness would make you unforgivable.
The box cutter is plunged into her stomach. Your hands aren’t in control - you aren't in control - your desire and the weapon are the ones in control. Not you.
The box cutter digs deeper into her body; you carve a pathway towards her heart. The blade can feel it beating. You can feel it beating. Its melodic sound dissipates as her life begins to fade.
She would not love you, she would not forgive you. Now she never will - not you nor anybody else.
She stares at you with wide, dilated eyes. Her lip quivers, but she says nothing. She can’t say anything. Blood drips from the corners of her mouth.
Everything freezes for just a moment. It's like a candid photograph. A bright, overwhelming glow washes over her, surrounding her with a ring of light akin to a halo. You want to save it, display it, covet it.
There’s such beauty in her final moments.
She falls to the ground as soon as you remove the blade from her body.
It doesn’t take long for her eyes to turn lifeless. Her body is sprawled out, hair unkempt in clumps over her face, knees bent uncomfortably. Blood pools around her, covering the scattered sand of the hourglass with a deep crimson red. They end up blending together, creating a sickening green colour. It looks like poison.
Despite it all, she looks peaceful in her eternal slumber.
You lean into where she lays, lifting up and then cupping her head with your hands, staining it with the splatters of blood on your fingerprints.
You kiss her dried lips.
It's a brief action, you stop as soon as you realise what exactly you’re doing, but you hold on for just long enough that your lip gloss stains her lips. You were right, the red suits her perfectly. It contrasts well with the dull greyish colour that has overtaken the rest of her body.
When you let go, her body falls immediately to the ground yet again.
You look at the fruits of your labour.
All you want is for Rei to wake up. All you want is for Rei to look you in the eyes, acknowledge you, love you, forgive you .
But, no matter how much you pray and beg, no matter how much you cry and scream, no matter how much regret you claim to feel, what you want will never come true.
After all the dead cannot acknowledge, the dead cannot speak, the dead cannot love, the dead cannot forgive.
The dead can only haunt.