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Erik had done the favor of pretending he hadn’t seen Charles walk up and back away from the door to the study several times over. This time, he had awkwardly stood in the doorframe for nearly a full minute before his voice broke the silence.
“Erik, are you busy?”
Only then did Erik look up, seeing Charles hovering nearby. He walked over, his fingers brushing Charles’s hand, before shaking his head slightly. Charles swallowed hard, biting his lips together.
“Can you come speak with me please?” Charles asked. His voice shook just a little. Erik nodded, allowing Charles to grab his arm and pull him into their room.
“What’s going on?” Erik asked, brow furrowed.
“I’m kinda freaking out right now.” Charles said, his tone rising.
“Okay… why are you freaking out?” Erik asked slowly. He put his hands out to Charles like he was soothing a frightened animal. Charles took a step back, wringing his hands.
“I don’t know.” Charles said. “I mean- I know what I think I am freaking out over, but I know it’s not actually about that it’s just my my my- like my brain is latching onto something to be afraid of but it’s not the reason.”
“So what is the real reason?” Erik asked, brow drawing together. He took another breath, blinking as a tear fell down his cheek.
“There isn’t one, this just happens sometimes.” Charles said. “And I know it does and I… I know I need to calm down and just go on with my day but I can’t Erik. I physically cannot do it and I am so… damnit.”
As he finished his sentence he turned around, throwing his hands on top of his head and squeezing them tightly. Erik felt his brow draw again, and he took a step closer.
“So you know it’s irrational, but you cannot control it?” Erik asked.
“Yes.”
“What would you like me to do?” Erik asked. He didn’t mean it to be rude, he genuinely had no idea what Charles would want him to do.
“I don’t bloody know- can you help?” Charles asked, his voice breaking. “Is there a way to help? Holy hell.”
He watched Charles scrub his hands over his face and through his hair and noted the shaking in them. He had the realization that Charles was actually scared. Not just upset or confused, but seemed genuinely terrified. He could actually feel the emotion radiating off Charles. He wasn’t sure if that was his power or not, but he could only assume.
Acting on instinct, Erik left. Charles seemed to not notice. Despite the bitching he knew he would get, he used the microwave and made the fastest cup of tea he had in his entire life. He splashed milk on the counter adding it, and spilled parts of the sugar as well. But in the end he had a cup and he brought it up to Charles.
In the maybe two minutes Erik was gone, Charles seemed to be doing worse. Tears fell freely down his cheeks and despite clearly trying to control his breathing it was still fast and ragged. Erik walked over quickly, picking up one of Charles’s hands and putting it on the cup. Charles blinked, sniffling a little before he grabbed onto the cup properly.
“Oh mayn zis libn you're alright.” Erik spoke softly, his hand supporting the arm Charles used to hold the cup. It was shaking. “You know yourself you are alright. Take a breath, you will be fine.”
“I feel like I can’t.” Charles whispered. He was shaking like a leaf, and Erik fought the urge to wrap his arms tightly around him.
“But you know you can.” Erik said. He didn’t mean to be frustrating, but he wasn’t sure what Charles meant exactly. Unless there was something medically wrong with him. “Can you?”
“I don’t fucking know Erik I should be able to.” Charles said. His words tumbled out faster and higher and louder than last time. Erik took a step forward and Charles flinched back microscopically.
“We’ll try taking a slow breath, you keep taking fast ones.” Erik said. Charles gave him a look.
“I can't, I can't get enough air.” Charles said. Erik raised an eyebrow.
“Well you seem like you’re getting too much air, how do you know you aren’t getting enough?” Erik asked. Charles snuffled indignantly.
“Because I can bloody fucking tell can you not tell if you’re choking?” Charles spat out.
“Yes, usually the first sign is I am being choked.” Erik said. “And never that I am sitting in a room with an open window by someone who is breathing with no obstruction.”
“Okay okay well maybe I am just fucking crazy then.” Charles snapped. Erik shifted, taking in Charles’s agitated state.
“Maybe you are choking and I just can’t see.”
“What?” Charles stopped, hand still tangled in his hair, to give Erik an incredulous look.
“Well, you are telling me that you are choking,” Erik said. “You are smart, I assume you must be.”
“No- no it’s not I just… I don’t know.” Charles hissed. “I can, I just can’t at the same time.”
“That’s an oxymoron.” Erik said. Charles gave him a tearful glare. “Okay, so you can breathe then.”
“I cannot but I can.” Charles said shakily.
Erik paused for a moment, taking in Charles’s state. His chin quivered, bright blue eyes fixated directly on Erik between filtering across the room. His hands shook, and the tea almost spilled over the mug's rim. Erik put a hand on the cup to steady it, taking a slow breath, contrasting to Charles’s super fast ragged breath.
“...I want to make you feel better.” Erik said finally. Charles’s face crumpled at that, and he tried to stifle tears. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“I’m sorry.” Charles whispered. “I am just a little off right now. You’re doing well.”
“Hey hey, you are alright don’t- here uh don’t cry.” Erik said. He sort of waved his other hand at Charles for a moment, caught hesitantly in the air. Finally, it handed on Charles’s shoulder, rubbing at the tense muscles there. “It’s alright libster it’s alright.”
Erik stood there hesitantly for a second and then gently pulled Charles to him, giving him plenty of room to back out. Erik rarely had spells of terror like this, but he knew that when he did that he would have done anything to avoid being touched. Charles melted into it though, letting go of the mug entirely and putting his arms over Eriks neck.
“You are going to be okay.” Erik said softly. He tucked his face into Charles’s hair, letting his hand run up and down Charles’s back. “Well actually you are okay but you will remember that soon enough.”
“Yeah.” Charles sniffled. “I am sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry.” Erik said in a low tone. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I will be fine in a minute.” Charles assured me. “I know better I just- I…”
“It’s okay.” Erik said. “Just take a second.”
Charles took several shaky breaths against Erik’s neck. He pressed in close to him, and Erik held him tighter. It felt like he was holding Charles together. He pressed a kiss to Charles’s ear. Charles pressed closer into him, his quivering frame almost shaking Erik also. Erik hummed gently, trying to cover the noise of Charles’s frantic breath.
“Would you like to sit?” Erik asked. Charles shook his head. “That’s okay. But you’re struggling to stand right now.”
“Oh am I?” Charles sniffled. He realized he was basically being held up by Erik and stumbled back.
“Easy.” Erik said, holding his arm out to make sure Charles didn’t stumble.
“It’s alright, I am alright.” Charles said. “I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Erik said. “Don’t be sorry. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“No no it’s all- I am rather stupid I don’t… I-I can’t even really explain it.” Charles said. “If I think about it I just I- I will get more…”
“It’s alright.” Erik said, reaching out and grabbing his hand. “Breathe.”
“I’m sorry I am.” Charles whispered.
“Don’t be sorry.” Erik said, finding a bit of tension creeping into his voice. He immediately swallowed it down, and pushed to the top of his mind the most comforting thoughts he could. “Don’t be sorry you haven’t done anything. Come into my head if you need.”
Charles gave him a grateful look. Erik relaxed his thoughts to Charles as he felt the odd shifting in his mind that always came from Charles sorting through his brain. Erik pushed warm thoughts towards Charles and he felt as much as he saw Charles falter at the simple display of affection.
“You’re okay.” Erik said. “Come sit schatz, it's alright.”
Charles’s hand on Erik’s arm loosened every so slightly as they sat on the ottoman bench at the end of Charles’s bed. Erik sat straight as a rod, trying to push away any thoughts of discomfort or stress away from his mind, not wanting Charles to pick up on it. He offered Charles the drink and Charles grabbed the mug. Erik continued to keep his hand on it, guiding it to Charles’s mouth as he took a seat. His eyes welled with tears, much to Erik’s confusion.
“Thank you for making this.” Charles said. “You know me well.”
“I do.” Erik said, giving Charles a smile. Charles looked down, laughing through the tears.
“Oh my gosh I am sorry you have to see me like this.” Charles murmured. Erik shook his head.
“You’ve seen me much worse, you know that.” Erik said.
“Yes but even when you’re unwell you aren’t so… pathetic about it.” Charles said.
“I don’t think you’re pathetic.” Erik said, putting a hand on his back. “I think you’re likely stronger than everyone I know.”
“Well that’s kind of you.” Charles said quietly.
He picked at a thread in his sweater, bouncing his leg. Erik leaned a little closer, and Charles put his head on his shoulder. Erik gently pressed a kiss to his head, before resting his cheek to Charles’s head. He was still shaking and Erik could feel him quivering under him. Erik tried to clean and calm his own mind, hoping it would wear off on Charles a little.
“I have times like this as well.” Erik said slowly. He didn’t want to admit the truth to Charles, but he had a feeling it would help. Instincts seemed to guide him well, as Charles so clearly perked up at this.
“Really?” Charles asked. Erik nodded.
“It’s not like this for me, but the… feelings. It’s much the same.” Erik said. “I get stuck in the past when it happens to me.”
“I cannot imagine this happening to you.” Charles said. Erik smiled a little.
“I take care to make sure that’s the case for most people.” Erik said. “But I don’t mind you knowing.”
“Thank you.” Charles muttered. He took in a breath intentionally slower than he wanted to. “What do you do when you get like this?”
“Honestly?” Erik asked. Charles nodded. “I smoke and sit in a room alone until I can come back to myself. I sort of lose track of time… I’ve a few cigarette burns on my hand from forgetting I had one in hand. I usually will tell someone I’ve gotten a call and lock the door.”
“I am sorry.” Charles said. Erik shrugged.
“As am I.” Erik said. “I don’t think our minds were made to take all that humans have to offer.”
“I think you’re right.” Charles sniffled. He sighed, his breath catching in his throat for a second, before swallowing it back down. “I was using cerebro. That was what set me off.”
“Hm?” Erik said. Charles nodded.
“I found someone… mutant. They were in trouble. I went into their mind and helped them, and they got away. I had to help them find an escape route. I just… thinking of so many mutants who need so much help. How little I can do… it weighs on me. I feel like I can still feel them when I hang cerebro backup and… God Erik, I can’t help all of them but I can feel them all.”
“It’s so much for one person to deal with.” Erik whispered. Charles nodded, a tear falling almost into his tea. “Many wouldn’t be able to handle your powers.”
“I can’t handle my powers,” Charles said. “I just haven’t a choice.”
“I think you handle it well.” Erik said. Charles gave him a half smile.
“I was able to help that person, I got them safe but… every moment I am not helping I feel like I am failing them. Like I could be there and save someone but I am too bloody busy to do it.” Charles said. “If I ever want the school to get off the ground… I don’t know.”
“You’re not God.” Erik said. Charles gave him a look, but Erik doubled down. “No, really. You’re not God. You’ve got too much going on. You can’t.”
“But I should. I wish I could.”
He sounded so broken in that moment it made Erik’s heart drop into his stomach. He took the mug out of Charles’s hand, setting it on the floor before pulling him into a proper hug. Charles pressed his face into Erik, allowing himself to be comforted. Charles held onto Erik like a lifeline, and Erik tightened his arms around him.
“I love you.” Erik said quietly. Charles sniffed, seemingly trying to stifle something like a sob. “I wish it was easier.”
“I love you too.” Charles whispered. Erik let himself relax also into the hug. “Thank you darling.”
“Any time.” Erik said. “I wish I could be of more help.”
“You’re very helpful.” Charles said. “Better than most anyone I know.”
“As you would put it… that’s very kind.” Erik said. Charles gave a half hearted giggle. Erik curled his hand over Charles’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. “Would you like to play a game of chess with me?”
“I would love that.” Charles said. “Just… give me a moment perhaps?”
“All the time you need.”
Charles sucked in a few breaths, breathing out slowly, each time extending it just a little as the quiver in the action slowly subsided. After several moments, he nodded to Erik. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Erik asked. Charles nodded. He took a sip of his tea. He still seemed very on edge, but much closer to his normal self. Erik gave him a chaste kiss before standing up. “Okay then. Would you like the opening play?”
“Yes please.” Charles said. Erik smirked.
“Makes sense. You could use the advantage.”
Charles scoffed, settling into the table by Erik. Erik reached across, holding Charles’s hand without a word as they sat together. Charles shot him a grateful smile, not mentioning it, as he slid his pawn across the board.
“Thank you for being so kind.” Charles said. Erik scoffed.
“Don’t mention it.” He said. “Pay attention to the game.”
“Right right.”
They played for almost an hour, Charles’s breath slowing after about ten minutes to a completely normal pace. Erik held his hand the whole time, and Charles drained his tea. Their conversation swept from the books they had been reading, to the other teachers and their approaches in class, to the students who gave particular trouble to them. Erik steered them carefully from any topic he thought might set Charles off, and Charles pretended not to notice the quiet caretaking from the other.