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Kaoru had never really been a big fan of birthdays. In his eyes, there was no real point in celebrating another day that brought him closer to the inevitable end. All the fanfare, the gifts, the birthday wishes, it was all rather meaningless to him. A monotonous day of hollow smiles and polite, obligatory ‘thank you’s exchanged with well wishers wasn’t exactly his idea of a celebration.
To Kaoru, his birthdays had always been more about other people making themselves feel good about having remembered or gotten him a gift than actually celebrating another trip around the sun…
And then, there was Kojiro. Kind, selfless Kojiro who cared about nothing more than giving those that he shared his life with a day to remember even if it was against their will.
Kaoru hated to admit that Kojiro’s enthusiasm when it came to yearly traditions was rather infectious, and it always proved exceedingly difficult to deny his invitations or celebration proposals when he had that stupidly wide grin plastered on his face.
And perhaps that was how Kaoru found himself in the exact same place, in the exact same seat, at the exact same restaurant every single year. Kojiro had always been sickeningly sentimental, a stickler for tradition, and so instead of Kaoru enjoying a calm, relaxing evening in his own home, he found himself here once again like he did every year; Counting down to midnight on the eve of his birthday as his best friend sat beside him, his gaze remaining practically glued to the clock hanging on the wall of the restaurant as it always did.
“I’m sure there’s a saying about a watched clock, you know?” Kaoru’s voice broke the silence between the two of them, taking a long sip from his wine glass that Kojiro had refused to let him see the bottom of with an air of poised elegance.
Kojiro startled slightly, clearly in his own little world and caught slightly off guard by Kaoru’s sudden words. He composed himself quickly, finally tearing those scarlet eyes from the wall and resting them on Kaoru’s face with a grin.
“First of all, it’s a watched pot. A watched pot never boils. Which is a dumb saying anyway…” Kojiro smirked at Kaoru, a smugness to his tone as he silently gloated about correcting his best friend. “And second of all, I’m excited! It’s your birthday!”
“Why are you excited..? I’m the one who’s one step closer to the grave.” Kaoru huffed, glancing at Kojiro out of the corner of a narrowed eye. “Then again, my demise would be something for you to look forward to. I suppose you have put up with me for an awfully long time…”
“Twenty three years and counting! Almost twenty four.” Kojiro responded with a disproportionate amount of enthusiasm.
Kaoru felt himself cringe a little at Kojiro’s words, feeling a piece of his soul wither away as he reflected on just how long the two of them had known each other. It felt like only yesterday that Kaoru had been clinging onto his mother’s leg on his first day of kindergarten, bawling at the idea of having to be apart from her until a certain green-haired toddler had waddled over to him and helped to wipe away his tears…
Some things never change, he supposed. Kaoru had never been particularly good at dealing with the emotions of others, but Kojiro… It was just something that came naturally to him, it seemed. Then again, Kaoru and his explosive, unpredictable personality had given him plenty of practice over the years…
“My god… I’d be excited to be rid of myself after that long too.” Kaoru groaned.
“Shut the hell up, you’re stuck with me and you know it. You think you’ll get a break from me when you die?” Kojiro chuckled, the sound bringing a small smile to Kaoru’s lips that quickly dismissed itself before Kojiro could acknowledge it.
It was true that Kojiro had been by his side throughout his entire life, but the consistency and the constant companionship was far from what he truly valued about Kojiro’s friendship. No, it was rather the fact that they were complete opposites, their personalities clashing at every twist and turn in the road, and yet… Kojiro always took it in his stride. He always turned Kaoru’s biting remarks and words that came out harsher than intended back around on him, using them as vessels for his own playful jabs even if they’d driven countless others away.
It was true that Kojiro was here to stay regardless of Kaoru’s clumsy words or the morbid topics that somehow wormed their way into their conversations at times… He was a constant in Kaoru’s life, whether Kaoru liked it or not. And Kaoru wouldn’t have it any other way.
“You’d better be at my funeral, it would be rather tragic if nobody at all showed up…”
“Sorry to disappoint, princess. But I’m not planning on going on without you.” Kojiro chuckled, completely unphased by the dark turn that their civil conversation had taken.
Kaoru was a little taken aback by Kojiro’s tone of sincerity as he spoke. Perhaps he could’ve taken his comment as nothing more than a jest if it wasn’t for that forlorn shimmer present in his eyes as they gazed at Kaoru with something so… Real. Something so familiar. Something that Kaoru had never dared to name lest his heart begin to thaw the ice that he’d cast it in long ago.
“What? You’re planning on killing yourself the moment that I die? How pathetic… Can’t even let me have my moment without stealing the spotlight…” Kaoru teased, his mind swimming with the mixture of Kojiro’s words and alcohol. He wanted to press further, to press the topic into the realms of uncomfortableness that he knew would be too far for either of them just to know the truth, just to know if Kojiro really saw him as a prominent pillar in his life much like Kaoru saw him… But he knew better, for now, anyway… Not that Kojiro would stop the conversation from veering down that path, of course…
But apparently, Kaoru didn’t even have to ask.
“Damn right I am.” Kojiro spoke as his words gleamed in honesty, managing to tear his eyes off of Kaoru’s features with a herculean effort as he returned it to his own wine glass. He was silent for a moment, as if contemplating whether or not he should continue the venture that his words were taking him on, and Kaoru found himself holding his breath, hoping for a glimpse into Kojiro’s true perspective of himself. After a few long, drawn out seconds, Kojiro drained the last of his wine and opened his mouth again before he could tell himself otherwise.
“I don’t really know how to exist without you, I guess. And I don’t really have any intention of learning how to. Call it codependent, or unhealthy, or whatever… But life sucks sometimes, and the only thing that gets me through it is knowing that I have you at my side.” Kojiro’s words came out stumbled and awkward, as if his mind was urging him on to speak his thoughts into existence as fast as he could, lest they remain locked away in his brain forever. “I don’t know why… Why my life revolves around you… But I like it this way… I like it a lot, having you around all the time… So yeah. If you die, I’m going out too…”
Kaoru simply sat there for a moment, studying Kojiro’s tense expression whilst his best friend desperately tried to avoid looking at him like he was regretting every single word that had come clumsily tumbling out of his mouth.
Kaoru was rendered speechless for a moment, shocked that Kojiro had offered himself up to him like this, like he had been waiting for the opportunity to say something, like his heart had been bursting at the seams just for an opportunity to lay itself before Kaoru in all of its vulnerability. Seeing Kojiro like this, hearing his words of genuine affection for his best friend lit something within Kaoru, something dangerous, something that he’d been smothering for as long as he could remember…
With every passing second, Kojiro visibly sagged beneath the weight upon his shoulders, trembling slightly as if he cowered under the fear of the uncharted territory that they found themselves in. Their affection for each other had always manifested in harmless bickering and petty arguments… This… This honesty… This was new… This was Kojiro opening a door for the both of them to share feelings that they had locked away for years… And it was only fair that Kaoru met him halfway.
“I know why.” Kaoru was the first to break the silence in that matter-of-fact tone of his, dainty fingers reaching out to gently brush against the muscled, tanned flesh of Kojiro’s forearm in an attempt to dispel his visible unease. “We’re soulmates, I suppose. I’ve never really entertained the notion of such superstitions… But however illogical it sounds, it’s the only logical explanation. The universe binds us together. We’re stuck with each other whether we like it or not.”
The soft caress of his hand against Kojiro’s arm was new, most of their touches were strictly reserved for playful strikes and light bats whenever their arguments ventured into physical territory… Kaoru knew that he was going to regret his words in the morning, and he could only hope that the wine would be a decent enough excuse for the fact that he and Kojiro were laying their souls bare to each other for the first time in twenty three (almost twenty four) years.
The fire that lit in Kaoru’s gut spread rapidly as his words hung in the air, catching each and every fibre of his body until he was a blazing inferno. The term soulmate echoed throughout his mind, every uttering seeming to fan the flames to burn hotter, brighter, until they could no longer go unacknowledged. This sensation, the agony of being burned from the inside out… Kaoru realised that this was exactly why he’d held his tongue for so long, why he’d allowed his words of affection and sincerity to go unspoken for all these years.
After all, Kaoru had never been good at dealing with other people’s emotions… Good or bad.
Kaoru resisted the urge to try and extinguish the flames. There was only so many times he could smother the same fire until it consumed him. Instead, he too downed the rest of his wine, stoking the fire deeper as he finally dared to look up at Kojiro. The action of lifting his head was stiff, uncomfortable, as he finally brought forth the embers that he’d been so afraid of confronting throughout his life.
Sure enough, Kojiro was sitting there, gazing at him as if he was the most beautiful creature in the world, like he was an eldritch creature that possessed the power of the sun, moon and stars encompassed in its flames… It was as if the cosmos were painted upon Kaoru’s delicate skin, stardust and supernovas carved out on each and every plain and contour of his face and melding together in such cosmic beauty that anybody would struggle to pull themselves back to earth… And for the first time in his life, Kaoru could finally put a name to that expression that graced itself upon Kojiro’s face countless times over their lives…
Love.
“Kaoru…” His name fell from Kojiro’s lips with such tenderness that Kaoru felt his chest ache in response, the gentle roll of his tongue tugging at his heartstrings in a way that he’d been so afraid of for so long. It wasn’t the first time that Kaoru had been somebody’s universe, it wasn’t the first time that he’d felt his soul burn hotter than any star in the galaxy before it had been forcefully snuffed out like it was nothing more than a measly candle upon a store-bought birthday cake.
But Kojiro wasn’t Adam. Kojiro wasn’t Ainosuke…
Kojiro was… Kojiro…
There was no persona for him to hide his true self behind, there was nothing that he could paint himself as to fool Kaoru into a false sense of security and a facade of undying love…
Whilst Kaoru had made his efforts clear to separate himself from Cherry Blossom, Kojiro had done no such thing. Joe was just as much of Kojiro as Kojiro was of Joe… Kaoru had watched both of them grow up. Both of them treated Kaoru with kindness that he thought was far from what he deserved. Both of them had been there to witness his first heartbreak and pull him back from it. Both of them had seen him at his lowest and took care of him without hesitation until he was nursed back to health… And it was all not out of obligation… But love…
“Kojiro…” Kaoru dared to breathe, his voice trembling softly as those flames gently lapped at the edges of his nerves and sent jolts of unmistakable affection rolling throughout his body. Kojiro simply smiled, keeping that same, dream-like expression on his face as he finally granted his body permission to move, grasping Kaoru’s smaller hand in his own.
With the way his life flashed before his eyes, Kaoru was convinced that he was dying after all.
He could see it all, he could see every single argument, every single meal that they shared, every single accidental hand brush, every single look of complete and utter infatuation that Kojiro gave him disguised with a smile and a scathing comment…
Kindergarten, Kojiro’s chubby little hand in his as he paraded his friend around like he was something to be proud of. The lunchtimes. spent excitedly chattering to each other whilst trading food from their bentos. The teenage sleepovers, staying up until four in the morning laughing and trading their darkest secrets. The late night races at S, making them both worried sick for each other’s wellbeing and fearing the worst…
It all made sense… It all finally made sense…
The love…
It had always been there, lingering in every moment that the two of them had shared…
Kaoru had just been too afraid to face it, simply pretending that it was nothing more than a simple friendship and nothing more… And Kojiro… Kojiro had felt every unfiltered moment of that love, and had to go through it all alone, he’d had to watch as Kaoru pretended that there was nothing between them.
Kojiro had stayed silent the whole time, letting Kaoru take his time to process his own feelings whilst he watched from the sidelines, watching as Adam graced him with his first love and broke him beyond repair… He’d been there to pick up the pieces and patch him back together, not for his own gain, not because he hoped that by doing so Kaoru would return his feelings… But because he loves Kaoru. Because, no matter how long it took, he would wait until Kaoru was ready to face what the two of them shared.
But now the veil that Kaoru had willingly placed upon his life had been lifted, and now here he was, watching a play by play of Kojiro’s sheer infatuation for him like it was the most perfectly orchestrated love story in history… Reflecting on every single opportunity that Kojiro had missed in favour of sitting back and giving Kaoru all the space that he needed, knowing that their souls were intertwined at the very start and would soon find their way to each other…
“...So… You’re finally starting to catch on, eh?” Kojiro chuckled softly, tanned cheeks flaring with warmth as he cleared his throat. Kaoru could see the way he kept his hand firmly clasped around Kaoru’s whilst his other remained pressed against the surface of the bar, as if he was willing his body to stay put instead of acting on instinct. “Took you long enough… What? You couldn’t have had this revelation back when we were teenagers?”
Despite Kojiro’s calm demeanour and the soft smile that played on his lips, there was a hint of sorrow reflected on his face, the smallest trace of remorse, pining for the years that the two of them could’ve had something more…
Kaoru opened his mouth to speak, but all attempts at words seemed to die in his throat despite the way he urged them to fill the stillness in the air, to offer Kojiro a snide retort, to say… Anything. Something to explain why he’d been so willingly oblivious to his best friend’s infatuation for so long… Something to settle the guilt that had called the pit of his stomach home.
But there was no unselfish explanation. He was sure that he could muster up some excuse about having no idea, that Kojiro’s silence on his feelings was the sole purpose that Kaoru remained clueless right up until this very day… But he couldn’t do that… He couldn’t lie to Kojiro on top of everything…
The truth was, he was scared. He was scared of losing Kojiro, scared of opening his heart up to somebody after the damage that Adam had done to it, scared of allowing himself to be vulnerable to the only person whose opinion of him mattered in his mind.
He couldn’t imagine the crushing loneliness that Kojiro had felt over the years, having to go about life knowing that his feelings went seemingly unreciprocated for now, having to simply have faith that the universe will work in their favour… Kaoru had left him all alone in the void of the cosmos, floating aimlessly with no tether, nothing to grasp at, nothing of reassurance that one day they would be together.
But Kojiro had believed enough for the both of them…
“Kojiro… I’m… I’m sorry. I never should’ve kept you waiting for so lo-”
“You have nothing to apologise for. Don’t even try.” Kojiro said firmly, although that soft smile never left his lips, adding a softness to his tone that had Kaoru practically melting on the spot.
“Eight thousand and four hundred days is a long time to wait…” Kaoru’s heart ached for Kojiro as he spoke.
“Did you work that out in your head, or do you have some kind of Carla earpiece secretly feeding you this information?” Kojiro asked with a light chuckle, gently giving Kaoru’s hand a squeeze before releasing it from his grip. Kaoru immediately missed the coolness of his flesh keeping those rampaging flames at bay. “Eight thousand, seven hundred and forty eight days, if we want to get specific.”
“It must’ve been lonely…”
“It wasn’t. I had you.”
Kojiro’s answer once again rendered Kaoru speechless.
Not once in Kaoru’s life had he considered himself enough. He supposed he had his father to thank for that, pushing him to get better grades even when the ones that he got were far above average, stopping by his calligraphy studio and making small remarks about his award-winning pieces looking sloppy. Not once had anybody in his life ever said that he was enough…
But… Kojiro was. Right now.
Even when he couldn’t have Kaoru, when their lines of platonic and romantic were in very different places, when Kojiro pined for something more between them every single day… Just being around Kaoru, living in his presence, breathing the very same air as him… Was enough.
Kaoru was enough.
But now it was Kaoru’s turn to cross that bridge, to finally meet Kojiro where he stood, to finally give the poor man everything that he had been praying for. It was his turn to make Kojiro feel as though he was enough too.
Perhaps if they were anybody else, they would have some big, long winded conversation about how this relationship would change them, about how there would be new boundaries in place, questions about future goals, making sure that they were truly compatible, if this would even work out in the long run…
But they weren’t anybody else. They were Kojiro and Kaoru. Best friends. Lovers. Soulmates. After all these years of dancing around each other, the universe had finally smiled upon them and given them their moment to shine. They were more than two souls bound together by fate itself. They were a kilonova; Two bright, beautiful objects defying the odds to merge themselves into something powerful beyond human comprehension. They were something to be marvelled at.
There was nothing the universe could throw at them that would stop them from being together.
“Kojiro, I-”
“Oh- Wait a minute! Sorry, we can continue this in a moment… It’s almost time!” Kojiro suddenly pulled the two of them out of their own little bubble as he nodded towards the clock, the minute hand hovering just before the big ‘12’ printed in gleaming gold numbers.
Kojiro was quick to jump to his feet, seeming to sober up instantly whilst he hurried into the kitchen as he always did at the same time every year. And sure enough, as he always did, Kojiro emerged once again with that stupid, wide smile plastered across his face.
In his hands was a small cake, big enough for the two of them to share, and just enough for them to pack up leftovers for the kids and Shadow when they inevitably stopped by bright and early the next morning to wish Kaoru a happy birthday. As was the same every year, the cake was handmade, no doubt baked by Kojiro himself, and it was adorned with white icing and bright red strawberries. In the middle, framed by two candles spelling out “27”, was a singular cherry blossom, no doubt picked from the sakura tree that blossomed outside the restaurant.
It was simple, traditional, with a subtly unique twist… Very fitting for Kaoru’s tastes.
“They say that eating sweets this late at night is bad for you.” Kaoru teased, silently admiring the flawless piping technique that bordered the cake and feeling his mouth begin to water in anticipation.
“They also say that about keeping a stick up your ass, but you seem to be doing just fine.” Kojiro bit back playfully as he set the cake down in front of Kaoru, earning himself one of his trademark glares. Kojiro fumbled with his pockets briefly before retrieving the golden lighter that Kaoru had bought him all those years ago on their trip to France.
With clear impatience, not wanting to miss the moment the clock would hit midnight, Kojiro hurriedly lit the candles and proudly stepped back with a flourish.
“One of these years you’re going to miss it.” Kaoru commented passively, having half a mind to simply extinguish the flames just a second too early but deeming that perhaps just a little too far. Kojiro had gone to all of this effort, the least he could do is go along with his silly little traditions, he supposed.
“Not a chance.” Kojiro smirked. “You know this is the moment I look forward to the most every year. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
The two of them turned their attention to the clock as the loud ticking echoed through the restaurant, the hand inching closer and closer to the top until finally, the mechanism let out a soft chime as the clock struck twelve.
Kaoru waited for a moment to allow Kojiro to face him before blowing out the candles despite his yearly apprehension about not wanting to set off the fire alarm system with the smoke.
“Happy birthday, Princess.” Kojiro beamed at Kaoru. Kaoru felt a warmth spread through his chest in response to the pride that practically radiated off of Kojiro for getting to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. It was the usual script that Kojiro followed each year, but he usually resigned himself to a simple ‘happy birthday’ without the term of endearment, shortly followed by-
“Well? What did you wish for?”
Kaoru didn’t bite back a smile for once, instead letting it spread across his face in a way that clearly caught Kojiro off guard as his expression settled into that soft, loving gaze once more.
Sure, Kaoru could follow the usual script, insisting that he didn’t make birthday wishes, that they were childish, that even if he did, he wouldn’t tell Kojiro because it was bad luck… But just this once, he’d break character. Just this once, he’d tell him exactly what was going through his head.
“I didn’t need to make one.” Kaoru said simply, basking in the slight flicker of confusion that settled over Kojiro’s expression. “I have everything that I need now.”
As the words rolled off of Kaoru’s tongue, he carefully leaned over the bar and pulled Kojiro down by the back of his neck to plant a soft kiss against his lips. Without a single moment of hesitation, Kojiro eagerly kissed him back like he’d been waiting his entire life for this moment, a large hand carefully moving up to caress Kaoru’s face and fingers brushing against the flushed skin of his cheek as they melted into each other’s touch.
As their lips pressed against each other, Kaoru finally felt everything in the universe fall into place. This was exactly where the two of them needed to be. No more hiding, no more fear of the unknown. Right now, nothing else mattered. He had Kojiro, and Kojiro had him.
Perhaps birthdays weren’t so bad after all.