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Hotch sat outside of Derek's house for at least ten minutes before finding the courage to get out of his car. The amount of courage it had taken him to make this drive already was pushing it - he'd considered, very strongly, just throwing the card into a mailbox and calling it a day. That was a cowardly way to go about it, though, and he wasn't a coward. At least that was what he kept telling himself as he sat in front of Derek's house willing himself to open the car door.
Just open the damn door.
It was a beautiful spring day, the kind where the breeze is so gentle you almost don't even recognize it as a breeze at all. The kind of day that made you want to go take a walk or make a little picnic that would inevitably end with you realizing it was a little too chilly for that. The air smelled faintly of cherry blossom, delicately sweet, and when he pulled it into his lungs he found the strength to smile when he finally stepped out of his car and into the quiet street.
Derek had been on leave for three months already. Three months without him at the BAU, and Hotch knew it would be longer. It had to be longer. He was the smart one, after all. The one who took time off seriously. He'd been subjected to torture, the least of which was the physical damage left behind. The rigid scar that cleaved his chest in two, the scar that would forever mar his godlike body. Hotch didn't think it was that bad, all things considered, after the plastic surgeon had gotten in there but he knew Derek hated it. He knew it because he felt the same about his own, though the landscape they ruined with their vulgarity was never anything quite as beautiful as what Derek had started with.
Not only was he healing, he was also planning a wedding, and that took up a lot of his time. Hotch vaguely remembered Haley planning theirs - he wasn't around much for it, in fact he more or less only did what she asked when she asked and left her alone to plan with her mother the rest of the time. He'd told himself it was what she wanted. It had done him no favors. Haley's mother, he found out later, had fought with his own mother over his involvement or lack thereof. His mother took up his mantle, crying out that he was the breadwinner and did Haley not have everything she wanted? Did she not have a designer dress purchased by his hours and hours of work? Did she not have the best venue? Did she not have the house of her dreams in the suburbs? And of course, she could have stopped there, she could have won if she hadn't called the Brooks family a bunch of holler rats. If she hadn't called them country bumpkins.
If she hadn't called them mooches.
He didn't find out about that fight until after the wedding, though, and while Haley had laughed it off…her mother definitely had not.
"Hey, man," Derek said when he answered the door. He looked good, Hotch thought. Dressed in a soft t-shirt and well worn blue jeans with his feet bare and his eyes gentle, he looked really good.
"Hi," Hotch said, kicking his shoes off before entering. He always left them just outside the front door. "I'm sorry to intrude. I should have called first."
"Nah, it's all good. Savannah's at work and the house is way too quiet. Wanna see something?" Derek asked quickly, not waiting for an answer before he began walking. Hotch shut the door behind him and shrugged.
"Sure," he said quietly, following Derek through the front room and down the hallway. He held a card in his hands, held it awkwardly close to his belly as he followed behind him in a house that was as familiar as his own and yet…different now. New furniture, new photos, flowers on the dining room table. A woman's touch. Derek's house no longer looked like a bachelor pad, it looked like a family home. Savannah's sense of style was elegant, much more keen and neat than Haley's had been - they both liked flowers, but in very different ways. Haley loved the feeling of being surrounded by a lot, so she went big with floral patterns and bright colors, walls that clashed with the carpets. Savannah's style was subtle and sophisticated and he wondered if Derek liked it. What he'd thought when his framed black and white photo of Michael Jordan flying through the air over the mantle was replaced by a heady bouquet of flowers.
"I'm almost done with this project," Derek said, pushing through a closed door at the back of the house to reveal a large bedroom that Hotch was sure used to be two rooms at one time. In fact, he was certain it used to be a guest room and Derek's study.
"Nursery?" Hotch asked, stepping into the room.
"Yeah," Derek replied. "See, I'm building all of these bookshelves, and these right here I think I'm gonna have this friend of mine build drawers for. Savannah's afraid of furniture that isn't bolted to the wall but I don't wanna buy some bullshit from IKEA and ruin a perfectly good wall for it. Is that stupid?"
"No," Hotch said, taking it all in. The room smelled like construction, everything covered in a fine layer of dust. "It's a lot of work, but if you have the time and the ability…"
"I've got nothing but time right now, and I might never have this again. Figured I should be smart with it."
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm good. Doc said it's pretty well healed up, I'm cleared to return to normal activity. I thought she said she was gonna fax that over to you."
"She did. I wasn't asking about her opinion."
Derek stopped and turned toward Hotch, his features soft and warm. He'd been expecting this, but not until later. Maybe not until his wedding day when his guard would be down completely. "I'm okay, Hotch."
"Good."
"What's that?" Derek asked, indicating the card. Hotch swallowed a lump in his throat. He wasn't ready for that yet.
"Oh," he started, stammering uncharacteristically. He was regretting the decision not to mail it more than ever. "It's your wedding present."
Derek quirked an eyebrow, a funny feeling settling in his stomach. "You know you're supposed to bring that to the wedding."
"I do," Hotch started quietly. "I'm not going to make it. Something came up."
"Something…came up?"
It wasn't entirely a lie. In fact it wasn't a lie at all, it was just…he could have said no. He could have given the assignment to someone else, but the minute the request came through it felt like a weight being lifted from his shoulders. There was some guilt that settled in its place, but it was nothing compared to the weight he'd been suffering.
"The Director asked me to fly out to Seattle for a week to help with a case they have that closely mirrors one I worked on years ago."
"You got a case the same weekend as my wedding? And there's no one else who can go help them out?"
"I'm going to go alone so that everyone else can be at your wedding."
"Hotch…"
"What should I have said? I'm sorry people are dying but I've got a wedding to attend?"
"Yeah," Derek said incredulously. "Yeah, that is what you could have said." Derek's features fell after that, after the initial outburst, and Hotch was surprised at that. He didn't think it would matter much to Derek whether he was there, in fact he sort of imagined that Derek would feel that same relief. "If you didn't want to come…" he said, his voice thin. Hotch sighed miserably and interrupted his thought.
"It isn't that I don't want to come."
"I know we've had our fair share of close calls over the years, but we gotta accept the fact that the timing is just never gonna be right. I waited around forever for you to pick me. A lot longer than I should have, if we're bein' real here. And I get it, our jobs make it pretty impossible to have a life and you'd have to deal with a lot of scrutiny if you started dating someone on the team but it's still…I still waited. I couldn't keep waiting."
"I know, Derek. It isn't…"
"I really wanted you there, man. I really wanted to have you standing up there beside me."
With tears in his eyes, Hotch nodded. "I know. But I'm not sure if I can do that. I am happy for you, and I think that Savannah is incredible. I'm not opposed to your marriage, Derek, I just don't think…here." He handed Derek the card. "It's all in here."
"I'll be back at work soon," Derek started, taking the card. "I'm scheduled to take the fitness test this week."
"Reschedule. Please take more time. Be with your wife, finish this nursery, enjoy her pregnancy. Don't rush back."
"I'm ready to come back."
"Derek…what you went through…it was a lot more than physical. Wounds heal a lot faster than the rest of it."
"Says the guy who came back to work 34 days after Foyet…"
"Don't you think I'm saying this for a reason? Do you think I don't know that I came back too soon?"
"Why are you doing this? Are you punishing me?" Derek's voice raised an octave, and Hotch felt his heart hammer in his chest. This wasn't how he wanted it to go but he'd be lying if he said it hadn't occurred to him. There might be a lot of love between them, but sometimes it turned into the wrong kind of friction. Sometimes they just couldn't help fighting.
"You really think I'm punishing you?"
"I don't know man. No. Okay, no, I don't think you're punishing me I just…dammit Hotch. Why now?"
"I want you to be happy Derek. I want you to spend this week putting the finishing touches on your wedding. I want you to go out and have your bachelor party with all of your friends, and I don't want to be on your mind at all during any of it. Not me, not the BAU. If I go to Seattle alone now, the team can be here with you. If I put it off to come to your wedding, more people will die and it's possible everyone will be sent out. This is for the best."
"And you making me take more time off? What's that?"
"You were tortured, Derek. I'm not making you take more time off for selfish reasons, I'm asking you to take your time. Learn from my mistakes. I know what…" his voice trailed off. "If I could go back and do it over again, I would have taken more time after Foyet. Maybe if I had, Haley would still be here. Maybe Jack wouldn't look at me like I'm the worst thing that ever happened to him. My life is a series of mistakes and I'm trying to save you from following my lead."
"A series of mistakes," Derek mused, looking at the card, wondering what was inside. "Huh. Okay."
"If you think I'm calling this a mistake," Hotch started, irritated. "You. Us. Whatever it has been or ever was…I'm not, and I think you know that. Don't twist my words. You have every right to be angry at me, but don't make this into something it isn't."
"What's in the card Hotch?"
"Your wedding present."
Inside the card, a beautiful card with a watercolor painting of a crystal blue ocean and a big white yacht on the front, were two things. A long handwritten note folded on what Derek knew would be Hotch's monogrammed stationary, and a business card for a travel agent.
"Call her," Hotch said, indicating the card. "Plan a trip with Savannah, anywhere. Take the trip before you come back to work."
"Anywhere?"
"Anywhere. Patricia will bill me. She has strict instructions not to show you how much any of it costs so please don't ask her, don't put her in an awkward situation, just take Savannah down there and plan a real vacation."
"No, Hotch, this is too generous. I can't take this."
"I assure you it isn't. You deserve it. Derek, for the better part of the last two decades you have made everything about my life better. You've been there for me in my darkest times, made sure I knew I had at least one person in my corner…you've saved my life more times than I can count. This is the very least I can do."
"Yeah," Derek said, swiping tears from his eyes. "But you won't come to the damn wedding."
Hotch shook his head sadly. "I can't."
He stepped away from Derek, peering closely at the craftsmanship on the bookshelves. Floor to ceiling, unstained so far but beautiful. If he didn't know Derek had just built them, he was sure that by the time the room was finished he would think they'd been here the whole time. He knew that as he peered at the wood, studied the grain, Derek was reading his letter. Not exactly the way he'd hoped this would go but he'd lost control of the situation the minute he entered the house.
"Hotch…" Derek said with the wet sound of tears drenching his voice. Hotch couldn't turn around, couldn't look at him. That would take courage he didn't currently possess.
"It's alright."
"No one's ever written me a letter like this before." He let out a small laugh, sniffling at the end. "Who knew you were so poetic?"
"Don't," Hotch said quietly, smirking and shaking his head, still looking at the bookshelves because that was easier than looking at Derek now. "I should go."
"Please don't. Stay for lunch."
"I really…I shouldn't."
"Yeah. Okay."
Hotch left with a small wave, telling Derek to take care. He never met his eyes.
(x)
"Hotch wrote you this?" Savannah asked, getting to the bottom of the letter. She had tears in her own eyes. "It's beautiful. I think he loves you more than I do."
"Don't mess around like that," Derek warned with a smirk. "Come on now."
"What are you going to do?"
"Nothing."
She stared at him incredulously and began to scan the letter again, re-reading her favorite parts. Hotch really did have a way with words. She wondered briefly whether there were boxes of love letters he'd written to Haley stashed somewhere for Jack to read later. She wasn't so romantic and definitely didn't have a way with words like this. Not that it was a competition, it wasn't, she was just amazed. He didn't seem the type.
"You can't just do nothing. He poured his heart out to you in this letter."
"And I'm marrying you in a week, what can I do?"
"Well for starters, you can make sure he's there. Look, I know you love him too. You've never been shy about making sure I know that, and I got no concerns about who you're coming home to at night. Don't put any of this on me, Derek. I'm not stopping you."
"I know, beautiful," he said, taking her hand. "I know you're not."
"Alright. And I don't think that he wrote this letter to change your mind, I think he just wanted to make sure you knew that he felt the same way you did all those years and that he deserves the regret he's got to live with. And maybe he does. He made his choices, he wasted his opportunity…but you could at least make sure you show him a little love back."
"Did I ever tell you that his wife knew too?"
"NO! How do you know?"
"She told me. They had this hot tub in their backyard, before they had Jack, and we'd all sit in it after work sometimes. The three of us and some beers, y'know? I didn't have any friends out this way yet and they sort of took me in. This one night, it was after a really bad case that went south - we didn't get the guy, a few of us got hurt, and Hotch was pretty out of it. Anyway, he went inside to get something for his headache and Haley came all close to me and told me that he liked me. She was pretty drunk, she did that a lot when she knew cases went bad…coping with the fear, you know. And she told me all about this secret boyfriend he had in high school before the two of them got together, and how she's pretty sure if she hadn't snatched him up first then he'd be busy trying to marry me. I don't know if she remembered saying all of that but I never forgot it."
"Juicy! What did you do?"
"I told her that she was drunk and she didn't have anything to worry about."
"Did she worry about it?"
"Nah, I don't think she ever did."
"Well I won't either. But you need to make sure he's at the wedding, Derek, or you'll always regret it." She smiled at him and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "Remember when I was sure he hated me?"
"Yeah," he laughed. "I do."
"You still think I'm crazy?"
"Absolutely. If you think he hated you because he was jealous, that's crazy talk. Hotch isn't like that. I just think you needed to get to know him better."
"It's funny," she said, leaning against him, kissing him again. She was tired, ready for bed, ready to be done discussing this. She just wanted it fixed before the wedding. "Now that I know him, I just feel bad. Being in love with you for so long has to really really suck."
"Ouch," he said with mock offense. "You let me know in twenty years, alright?"
"Deal."
(x)
No matter how many other options Derek floated out of sheer desperation not to owe everyone at the BAU for his life, the wedding ended up being held at Rossi's mansion. It was everything Savannah had wanted, and while they could have found several other venues that worked, none of them had the turnaround they were looking for. Savannah wanted to get married before she really started showing, even if Derek assured her that she would be beautiful even if she was ready to pop.
"My family," she'd said and he didn't need to hear the rest. Baby before marriage, they were already up shit creek but the least she could do is not look like she was having a shotgun wedding.
They kept the wedding small, immediate family and close friends only. Derek assured his mother that they would make a trip to Chicago in a few months, after the baby was born, to have a proper reception with everyone in his family and Savannah made the same promise to her own family. All in all, they figured they'd spend the rest of the year celebrating their marriage and this baby so a small ceremony now sounded just about right.
Hotch, once again, sat in his car a little too long. This time it wasn't because he was nervous, it was simply because he knew that while a new chapter in Derek's life was just beginning, a very long and treasured chapter in his own life was ending. He would have to move on now, he'd waited too long and this is what happens when you drag your feet.
"Sir?" the valet asked, tapping on the window, startling him. Hotch looked up at the young man and smiled, deciding it was time to get out. Either that or he would need to floor it and get the hell out of there.
Slowly, he opened the door and got out before handing over his keys and a twenty dollar bill. On his way around the walkway, he checked the lay of his tie, the button on his jacket. He smoothed the front of his pants and took in the sight of Rossi's perfectly manicured grounds. Everywhere he looked was a sea of green and pink and white, cherry blossoms in bloom and rose bushes with luscious blooms dripping from glossy green foliage. It didn't look real.
He wasn't even supposed to be here, he should have been in Seattle but they managed to catch their guy before his flight even left the ground and now…well. When he had a reason not to come he could justify it, he couldn't make it even if he wanted to. But with the unsub caught, he had no excuse, nothing to keep him away except his own feelings and those never had been a good enough reason to do anything. He was an expert at ignoring himself.
"Right this way, sir," said another young man, this time one dressed in a clean white tuxedo. His job, Hotch surmised, was to escort guests into the house so they didn't linger too long out front. Rossi spared no expense, and he also didn't like people snooping around his property. Hotch followed along quietly, saying to himself over and over that it was okay that he was here. It was okay. His heart wouldn't break, not really, no matter how badly it hurt. He'd lived through worse.
"Aaron, you made it!" Rossi called, rushing over from where he was instructing a group of waiters on how to do their jobs, as if they didn't know. They looked like they were humoring the old lush and the minute his back was turned they scattered. "They caught the bastard?"
"He was sloppy," Hotch shrugged. "They got some tips, and found him pretty quickly. I hope it's alright that I came, I don't want my being here to be a distraction."
"Nonsense. The groom is going to be pleased as punch. All morning he's been lamenting you not being here, saying it doesn't feel right to do something so big without you."
"I really wish he didn't feel that way."
"Why?"
There was no answer Hotch could give that would be appropriate for the occasion so he merely shrugged. "Is it about to start?"
"Yes. You made it just in the nick of time." Rossi shoved a glass of champagne into Hotch's hand and grinned. "Come sit with me."
By the time they made the long walk out to the garden, Derek was standing in front of the crowd with Spencer and Penelope beside him.
He met Derek's eyes as he entered the ceremony area and headed for a seat at the back of Derek's side, right on the aisle. They locked eyes, and he saw something that looked an awful lot like overwhelming relief when they met. He smiled at Derek and nodded, and Derek nodded back before he took his seat.
Savannah walking down the aisle drew Derek's attention away from Hotch, and Hotch took a deep deep breath as he watched the best thing that never happened to him slip away. Savannah touched his shoulder as she passed and gave him a little smile before returning her attention to Derek, to the rest of her life.
"You came," was the first thing Derek said to him when he reached the seat Hotch had taken beside Rossi. He'd greeted everyone on his way here, one after another, hug and a hand shake over and over, his face sore from smiling. The words thank you had started to sound like utter nonsense, Dr. Seuss sounds playing off of his lips. Hotch swallowed a lump in his throat and shook Derek's outstretched hand. Just like old times. He never could help but come when Derek called.
"The case in Seattle resolved without my help." Hotch said, pausing. The look in Derek's eye was spritely and amused, and suddenly it dawned on him. "I heard that they received some assistance from a civilian who refused credit."
"Huh," Derek said with that smile. "Sounds like that person saved you a trip."
Hotch nodded. He had his suspicions that it was Derek, or maybe someone else from the team who wanted him to come to the wedding felt like conspiring against him. It wouldn't be the first time they worked behind his back. If it was Derek, they never had to tell him, and he couldn't do anything about it. Derek was on leave and he wasn't acting on behalf of the FBI. He made that abundantly clear to the SAC that nothing he said was official.
"I would thank them, but they didn't leave a name or contact information."
"I'm sure they know. Stick around, okay?"
"I really should get home early," Hotch protested and Derek gripped his hand a little harder.
"Just stick around for a little while, alright?"
"Okay."
The guests wandered through the grounds, along a path that would be lit by little solar lights once the sun went down, toward the garden that was set up for the reception. A dance floor, lights, music, it resembled JJ and Will's reception but with considerably more…personality. The music was upbeat, the people dancing were enthusiastic and smiling, it took no time at all for it to go from an elegant ceremony to an all out party.
That was Derek for you. Hotch could see him in all of the details. He could hear Derek in the music, knowing that he'd been the one to curate the playlist for the DJ. He and Savannah made their way through the traditions - first dance, father daughter, mother son, everything everyone would expect before finally releasing people to their own fun and games. Derek allowed some classics to filter through, like Cotton Eye Joe and the Chicken Dance, even the Cupid Shuffle managed to make an appearance because if nothing else, Derek had a soft spot for the classics. He understood a good party.
Hotch kept himself to the outskirts, visiting with anyone who approached him. Fran had asked him to dance once, and he talked shop with Savannah's father while people hooped and hollered out the worst excuse for square dancing he'd ever seen to Boot Scootin' Boogie. Penelope asked him to dance after she'd had enough tequila sunrises to give her the courage to approach him, and for the first time in her life she found herself feeling starstruck and speechless when he said yes.
"Do you…I mean I don't know how to dance…" she stammered as Dean Martin began crooning over the speakers. He smiled sweetly at her and took one of her hands in his, the other resting gently at the curve of her waist.
"I know how to dance," he said, and as she would recount later to anyone who would listen - boy howdy did he know how to dance. He led her around the dance floor and if she closed her eyes she was certain she was Ginger Rogers dancing with Fred Astaire.
"Hey," Derek said as the first notes to "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles trickled out over the crowd. Penelope stopped dead in her tracks and shot him a glare that might have frightened him any other time, but he was on a mission and not to be deterred. "Can I cut in, babygirl?" For a split second, she thought he wanted her to dance with him, and then it hit her - he'd asked her permission to cut in, he was stealing her partner and not the other way around. She opened her mouth, gaping at him like a fish.
"I…yeah…you…"
"I'd like to take Hotch on a spin around the floor. I promise I've got a song for you too, mama."
Without waiting another moment, afraid he'd waste the entire song, he took Hotch by the hand and pulled him away from Penelope. Right in front of everyone. The gesture caught Hotch by surprise, and he glanced nervously to the side only to catch Savannah with a smile on her face and he realized that she'd had a hand in this too. "Hey," Derek said, pulling Hotch's attention to him. "This is my dance, not hers."
"You don't have to do this," Hotch argued, ducking his head, his cheeks burning. Everyone was watching them. It was one thing for everyone to have an idea, to talk behind their backs about what they thought they saw or heard, but it was quite another to flaunt it right out in front of everyone. Confirming all suspicions.
"I know."
"You should be dancing with your wife."
"I've got my whole life to dance with that beautiful woman, but I've got one night to do this with you. Come on, you love this song."
"And you hate it."
"I don't know, I guess it's not so bad…" Derek said, swaying along with Hotch. "I can't keep up with your moves out here."
"You're doing fine."
It only took a minute before the shock of the sight wore off and people went back to their own dancing. "Life is funny, you know that?" Derek asked, pressing his cheek to Hotch's and whispering in his ear while Hotch led them with calculated steps around the floor. He knew what he was doing after years of ballroom dancing lessons, and Derek followed without hesitation. He didn't even try to lead, he was content to let Hotch guide him around the floor. "When I finally worked up the courage to ask you to come out with me on Valentine's Day and you turned me down, when I found out about Beth…I thought I was never gonna recover. I missed you by minutes. Gave you all that space after Haley died, but I waited too long. And then you and Beth split up and you miss me by minutes. Maybe it was never supposed to be more than this…but I think this isn't so bad. Not really."
"You're right," Hotch admitted quietly, a small smile on his face. Derek's cheek was warm against his, and he'd give anything for this moment to last forever even as he knew it was drawing to a close. "It's not so bad. I can't screw it up this way."
"Well you keep on tryin' though, okay?"
"I don't think I could stop myself. It's my specialty."