Chapter Text
Chuuya knew that tonight was going to be another sleepless night before he even laid down for bed.
Outside there was a raging storm predicted to last at least another hour- if not longer. It was to be expected around this time of the year since it was typhoon season but this storm in particular had been one of the worst Chuuya could recall. The rain was loud enough on its own but the thunder was loud enough that it occasionally shook the house.
He'd been trying every way he could think of to try and block out the noise but he couldn't. "Fucking great. I slept like shit last night too." He mumbled, annoyed as he decided to get out of bed and try to tire himself with something on the TV. It was sometime around 11:30 by now which usually meant he would already be asleep.
Dazai was still awake (no surprise there) but he was being unusually quiet tonight. In fact, he couldn't even recall seeing him at all since the storm started an hour ago.
He had been acting strange now that Chuuya started thinking about it.
He had tried to engage in a simple conversation Dazai that morning but kept getting short, one-worded responses from him. Most mornings Chuuya would spend sipping on his coffee wishing that his boyfriend would shut the fuck up; but then he found that he didn't like the silence any more than Dazai's incessant rambling.
Chuuya picked up the remote before turning the TV on, not caring what was on. All he wanted was something to hopefully distract himself from the storm outside. He leaned back on the couch and ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes trying to tune out the sounds of the raging storm outside. It wasn't that he was afraid of them- in fact he enjoyed watching them from a safe distance. What bothered him was the fact that the storm made any hopes he had of sleeping impossible. After a long day, this was the last thing he wanted.
Chuuya gave up on trying to drown out the storm with the TV. He had it turned up as loud as he could without potentially disturbing Dazai- wherever he was- but the storm made it impossible to focus. Especially when it felt like every 2 minutes it was lightning, followed by thunder louder than Chuuya had ever heard. It sounded almost like a gunshots he thought to himself as he shifted to a more comfortable position on the couch.
He was bemused that Dazai wasn't sitting on the couch either playing video games or watching TV. He would often do that into an absurd time in the morning even when he had to work the next day.
But he wasn't there.
Chuuya glanced towards the spare bedroom that was seldom used anymore since they both preferred to sleep together most nights. It was realistically the only place he could have been. HIs shoes were still in front of the door so it was obvious he was still there. But why would he be in the spare bedroom instead of on the couch or even in bed beside Chuuya?
Then a particularly dark thought came over him. What if Dazai had attempted suicide again? What if he lied when he told Chuuya he wouldn't do it again after the last time he found him after an attempt?
"Hey...mackerel where the hell are you?" He called as he got off of the couch and slowly made his way to the bedroom door.
The only response he was given was a particularly deafening roar of thunder that made the lights flicker, before going out all together. "Fucking hell." Chuuya muttered, grabbing a flashlight that he kept nearby for this exact purpose. There was absolutely no way he was already asleep. Hell, there was no way anyone who wasn't deaf could be asleep right. The silence only added more to his panic. He reached for the door with a shaking gloved hand and pushed it open.
"Dazai?" He poked his head into the room, mentally trying to prepare himself for what he might possibly see.
When he still didn't get a response, Chuuya started to get more frantic.
"Alright bastard this isn't funny. If you jump out from behind something and scare me I'll-" HIs voice trailed off when he saw the unmistakable silhouette of Dazai sitting on the bed with his knees pulled to his chest. He makes no move to acknowledge Chuuya and he's honestly not even certain if Dazai knows he's there.
"Hey..." He climbed on the bed beside Dazai, ready preparing himself for the worst. "What's going on?" His voice was gentle because he didn't want to risk shaking him up any more than may already be. For a while he sits there, unsure of what to do.
It's dark in the room, save for the lightning that shone through the window so Chuuya couldn't immediately tell if this could have been an attempt. Against his better judgement, he scooted closer to the younger man and poked his cheek to get his attention.
It was damp he noticed.
Was Dazai-
"Tell me what happened. Do you need to go to the hospital?" Chuuya tried his best to keep the worry out of his voice as he waits for a response.
"No.'" His voice was brittle and wet and-
Oh.
One particularly bright flash of lightning lit up the room long enough that Chuuya could see the tears on Dazai's face.
Despite having known each other since they were only 15, Chuuya couldn't recall ever seeing Dazai cry. Not even after Odasaku died. So why now? What the hell happened?
"Then what's going on? Why are you crying?" He sat there, unsure of what to do. Did he hug him? Did he leave him alone and pretend he never saw anything?
"Please...I can't do this right now." He begged, sounding more desperate that Chuuya had ever heard.
A loud roar of thunder shook the house once again, making Dazai flinch as if he had been punched. That was when things slowly started to make sense. "Are you scared of storms?"
Dazai laughed sardonically even though it came off more like a sob than a laugh. "It's...a bit more complicated than that." He did his best to wipe his still falling tears in shame. "I'm okay."
Chuuya breathed a small breath of relief at the fact that he didn't have to worry about Dazai dying on him. But now he wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't good at comforting. Hell, would Dazai even want it?
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence only filled in by the storm, Dazai finally spoke "Chuuya is worried about me?"
Leave it to Dazai to state the obvious.
"I'm sorry." He adds before Chuuya has a chance to respond.
"Sorry?"
"I usually go somewhere where no one has to see me like this."
So that explained why Chuuya never knew that about him until now despite the fact that they had been living together for more than a year now.
It painted a really fucked up picture in his mind of a terrified Dazai sitting alone in the shipping container he used to live in, especially knowing it would have amplified the sound.
"You don't have to." Chuuya turned towards him and tucked his hair behind his ear, stroking it in the process. He thought about kissing the side of his face but decided now wasn't the time.
Instead, he continued to run his fingers through his brown curls because he knew how much Dazai enjoyed having his hair played with. Chuuya liked it too.
"How many times have you seen me cry?"
"I..I don't know." He leaned into the touch and let out a small, shaky sigh. "Not many."
"But you've seen it happen right?"
Dazai just nodded, wiping away a few more tears.
"And you didn't judge me. You didn't think I was less of a man did you? Did you think I was weak or a nuisance?"
"No but Chuuya-"
It thundered again, though this time it was noticeably way quieter. Chuuya also noticed that it wasn't raining as hard as it had been, which meant that the storm should be moving past them.
"I promise I don't think any less of you, okay? I mean you won't be the first person who is afraid of thunderstorms. I would go as far as to say most people are."
"It's not thunderstorms that I'm scared of." He admitted after a few moments of silence only filled by the bed creaking under their weight. "It's the memories associated with them."
"Do you want to talk about it after the storm passes?" Chuuya dropped his hand that had been combing through his hair back down to his lap.
Dazai shook his head. "Not right now."
Chuuya couldn't deny that it did hurt a bit that Dazai wasn't ready to open up to him but he also understood why talking about storm related trauma during a storm was a terrible idea. There were a lot of things he felt like he didn't know about his boyfriend but he knew from the start how bad Dazai's trust issues really were.
"Is it like this for you every time it storms?"
"No, not usually this bad." He sniffed and wiped more tears from his face. "I'm usually better at finding some way to block it out."
"How can I help you through it if this happens again?"
Dazai shrugged. "I've never done this with anyone else so I don't know." He closed the gap in between then when he scooted over to lean his head on Chuuya's shoulder. It was rare for him to initiate affection but Chuuya had selfishly wished for him to do it more often.
"How long were you here before I found you?" He wrapped his arm around Dazai and pulled them into a more comfortable position leaning against the headboard of the bed.
"At least an hour or so." He yawned. "Who knew crying could make you so tired?"
Chuuya smiled and decided it would be finally be appropriate to kiss the top of his head. "Most people don't hold their emotions in like you."
"You're being mean again Chibi."Even though Chuuya couldn't see his face, he heard the hint of a smile in his voice. The storm had moved past them by now leaving only the steady tapping of rain on the windows. The power was still out but that didn't matter right now.
"Are you ready to go to bed?"
Dazai sat back up before nodding. He looked completely exhausted. "Yeah." His point was proven by a loud and very overdramatic yawn.
Chuuya got off the bed first but he felt a hand grab his wrist and gently pull him in closer until they were embracing each other with Dazai on the bed and Chuuya standing in front of him.
Hugging wasn't something they often did but it felt...right. It was the perfect position for them because with Dazai sitting on the bed, it made them almost the same height, something he knew Dazai would point out.
He didn't say anything, just alternated between running his hands through soft brown curls or rubbing his back.
The younger man started to tremble in his arms and Chuuya prepared himself for more crying until he realized that he wasn't crying.
He was laughing.
"What the hell is so funny?"
"You're so short that even when I'm sitting down I'm almost taller than you." Dazai's voice was muffled by Chuuya's shirt.
Chuuya smiled too, relieved to see the old Dazai start to come back. "Shut up! And stop using my body wash! I can smell it all over you."
Dazai grinned. "But it smells good!" He whined dramatically before falling back on the bed. "I think I want to sleep here."
The storm had long since passed but Chuuya found himself still unable to fall asleep no matter how hard he tried.
He lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering why Dazai didn't trust him enough to open up. It was obvious that there was some things he was holding back and it drove Chuuya crazy. In all honesty it did hurt his feelings a bit. Especially when he thought about all the previous times Dazai had dealt with it by himself without anyone to be there for him.
It really hurt because he knew how it felt to desperately wish someone was there for him but no one was. He knew how it felt to hug himself when he desperately needed comfort.
"Are you still awake?" He heard Dazai mumble with half of his face buried in a pillow.
"Yeah."
"Why? Weren't you already asleep when the storm started?"
Chuuya shook his head. "Not yet." He pushed the blankets off of himself and propped his pillow up so he could lean on it. "It just bothers me that you feel like you have to handle things like that on your own." He reached over and brushed his fingers through soft brown curls.
Dazai closed his eyes and melted into Chuuya's touch with a satisfied hum. "It's not always that bad."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I don't...I don't always...react like that."
"You don't have to tell me why it happens." Chuuya noticed the small look of relief on the younger's face. "But will you tell me if I'm correct to assume it's about something that happened in the port Mafia?"
The way Dazai instantly tensed up at the mention of it silently confirmed Chuuya's suspicion so he quickly added, "I'm not going to ask you about it. Don't worry. If you're not ready to talk about it."
Dazai remained silent but he looked less tense after Chuuya clarified he wouldn't ask about it.
The room was soon filled with the sounds of rain softly and steadily tapping the roof. They lay there in silence just enjoying each other's company.
"Hey Chibi?" Dazai asked softly, breaking the silence between them.
"Hm?" Chuuya decided to lay back down now that part of what was troubling him was taken care of. Maybe one day Dazai would trust him enough to tell him what happened. Until then Chuuya would try his hardest to make sure it doesn't happen again.
"Thank you." He rolled over so he and Chuuya were facing each other. "I've never had anyone be there for me like that. I'm not used to it." He says it as if he was attempting to explain any possible mistakes he could have made.
In response, Chuuya scoots closer before pressing their lips together in a small, sweet kiss before pulling away and closing his eyes. "You're welcome. You can come to me about anything okay? I know that's easier said than done but I promise I'm here. I want to be able to be there for you."
"I'll keep that in mind." He sounds genuine enough that Chuuya feels satisfied with his response.
"Goodnight Mackerel."
"Night, slug."
Chuuya smiled when he felt Dazai's hand on the back of his head as he often did when the older couldn't sleep. They would talk more about this in the morning, he hoped.