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They were arguing again, over something minuscule and redundant. Butcher just kept pushing Hughie, kept pushing and pushing. Insult after insult was thrown at the younger man as Hughie tried desperately to defend himself, pinned to a theoretical corner.
Eventually, Hughie snapped at Butcher when the older man stepped well over the line, insulting Annie or some other girl in Hughie’s life, not only exposing Butcher’s jealousy but also causing the boy to get mad.
“Do you know how hard it is to love you when all you are is horrible?! You don’t even pretend to respect me unless you benefit from it. You are only kind when you're like a dog in rut trying to get in my pants!” Hughie screamed, having had enough of Butcher’s behaviour.
Butcher stood still for a few seconds, spluttering at the fact that the lanky man actually snapped. Usually Hughie just took it like the bitch he was. But what hurt the most was that Hughie was speaking and confirming all of Butcher’s insecurities to be true, that Butcher was hard to love, that he was an awful person to Hughie. He doesn’t even know why he acts like this toward the younger man. He loves Hughie. He doesn’t understand why he is so awful to him.
“It’s supposed to be us, but all you care about is yourself! All you think about is yourself! What about me, William? What about how I feel? What about how your actions affect me? I’m so tired of this! All you do is make me feel like shit because you can’t help but drag people down with you! Loving you is more like an obligation–”
Butcher woke up with a gasp.
Hughie sits up. He had another nightmare, so sleeping wasn’t an option for the younger man. However, it did mean he was conscious. “Butcher?” Hughie asks softly, hands hovering over the older’s body.
Butcher looked over at Hughie. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so God damn–”
“Butcher, it’s me. I’m not Lenny–”
“I know it’s you, Hughie!” Butcher shouts deliriously from his nightmare.
Hughie softly brushed his fingers over Butcher’s arms, testing if Butcher would respond negatively or not. “Butcher, calm down. It was a nightmare, honey.”
Butcher snapped out of it a little bit when he felt the warmth of tears. “Shite. Fucking hell.”
“Butcher–”
“I’m fine.”
Hughie stared at Butcher, completely bewildered and dumbfounded by how the older man could lie like that when he was clearly not okay. Even after many instances of this occurring, Hughie could never wrap his head around it. “Butcher, I know you’re not.”
“Oh, and you’re any better? I know you had another nightmare. Why didn’t you wake me?” Butcher bit back. He had learnt nothing from his own nightmare.
“Because it was… I dunno, you’re kinda grouchy when I wake you up,” Hughie admitted.
Butcher didn’t take that information very well, especially after his nightmare. “Hugh, I’m not that bad.”
“I mean, you can be,” Hughie jokes awkwardly, trying to ease up the conversation.
Butcher buries his head in his hands. “Fuck. I need a smoke,” he grabs his cigs and lighter off the bedside table, all but running away.
Hughie groans and follows after his boyfriend. He wrapped his arms around the older, nuzzling his neck and shoulder. God, Hughie didn’t realise how exhausted he was until now. His eyes felt heavy the moment he stood from bed, now it was weighing him down as he pressed against Butcher.
Smoke surrounded them, making the lad cough a little. However, outside of that, they stood in silence. Butcher finished his cigarette and put it out on the deck’s fencing.
“Am I really that big of a cunt?” Butcher asks.
Hughie perks up a little, confused by the question. “In reference to? Like, what do you mean by that?” he asks.
Butcher groans. “Fuck, Hugh. I don’t fucking know. Why do you have to always be such a querying twat all the time.”
Hughie rolled his eyes and lifted his head. His chin dug into Butcher’s shoulder a little, which irritated the Brit. “Butcher, you can’t get annoyed at me when I don’t understand what the fuck you are asking of me,” Hughie grumbled.
Butcher rubbed his face. “I just… I don’t fucking get you. Why are you shagging up a codger like me, Hugh? I am a downright argumentative cunt that does nothing more than bring you pain. Are you fucked in the fucking head to pick me over Annie?”
“I mean, my therapist says that we’re codependent on one another,” Hughie mentions.
Butcher tenses up. “So you’re saying you’re with me because you are fucked in that head of yours.”
Hughie sighed and shook his head. “That’s not the only reason. But it is a factor. I mean, I am codependent, we both are. I’ve been through a lot of trauma, but you have been there. Maybe my brain crossed the wires somewhere, and now you are home. You are safe. I know that if you’re around, that I’m not going to be hurt or killed by anyone but you,” he tried to explain, but it came out all wrong.
“So, I’m an abusive prick,” Butcher stated. God, his dad was right, they were the same.
“No. That’s what I’m saying, Butcher. Yes, you’ve hit me a couple of times. However, that was before we were dating. I don’t know how to explain this properly, I’m too sleep deprived for deep conversations,” Hughie whined. “What I’m trying to say is that you are safe, you are home. That’s why I’m codependent, I think? When I’m with you, I know you won’t let anything happen to me. You can stand up for me in ways that I can’t do myself. If someone tried to kill me, you would kill them before they’d get close… It sounds fucked up and it is… But, I dunno…” Hughie mumbled. He felt so stupid trying to explain this to Butcher when he didn’t truly understand it himself.
Butcher didn’t respond, so Hughie just continued to ramble. “I just, that may sound bad. But there are many good qualities that you have that I just mentioned. You’re assertive, which balances out my passive nature. You’re stubborn, which can be a negative characteristic, but it just shows how driven you are. I mean, fuck, you looked for Becca for eight years and you never gave up on her despite everything everyone told you. You’re also so God damn caring and protective.”
Butcher turned around in Hughie’s arms and looked down at the sleep-deprived rambling man. “Hughie, lad, you need to get some sleep.”
“No, not until you understand that I love you,” Hughie grumbles. “You’re a cunt. You’re such a fucking cunt, but I love you. I love you, William Butcher. Why do you always doubt me? Why?” he whined, desperate to understand what he was doing so wrong that his boyfriend doubted his devotion.
“Hughie, I’m not any good for you,” Butcher says softly, cupping Hughie’s face and squishing his cheeks.
“You are… I am more assured of myself, which wouldn’t have happened if that weren’t for you. I love the way you love me. Despite your flaws, your anger and your cuntish behaviour, I love you.”
“Jesus, Hughie. Foul mouth you got there, lad.”
“I gotta get it through your thick skull,” Hughie mumbles, snuggling into Butcher’s hands.
Butcher’s heart flooded with warmth. This lanky dumbass in front of him was too precious for this world, for Butcher himself. The older man couldn’t understand how Hughie could love someone like Butcher, but man, he absolutely fucking loved it. Loved him.
“I love you too, wanker,” Butcher softly confessed as he pressed his lips against Hughie’s forehead. The younger man giggled at the way that the man’s beard tickled against his face, but also because of how exhausted he was.
Butcher pulled away and ruffled Hughie’s hair. “Let’s get you to bed now, sleeping beauty. That sound good?”
“Okay…”
They headed back to bed, Butcher playing the role of big spoon, wrapping his beefier arms around Hughie as the other snuggled into his flabbier chest. “I don’t wake you up after my nightmares because you just being in bed with me grounds me…” Hughie admitted.
“You’re a really soft cunt, you know that?” Butcher commented as he tried to bury how mushy and soft Hughie just made him feel.
Hughie hummed and fell asleep, wrapped in Butcher’s arms and buried in his chest. Hughie definitely had a thing for breasts, which translated into a thing for men with flabbier or muscly chests. Butcher carded his fingers through Hughie’s hair as he fell asleep himself.