Work Text:
Peace offered a lot of things. One thing being a chance to take a breather and reflect on yourself as a person.
That was how it had started for Spada. He had simply just decided to take a bit to really reflect on his life and himself. Get a chance to understand himself better than he had before. It would hopefully help him find his way in this new future better than he was.
It... took a bit of an unexpected turn along the way, though.
There was the usual stuff about reflecting on his goals and who he wanted to be in this new world, but the reflection turned more internal than that. Somehow he ended up on his expression of himself a bit deeper than expected.
It was inevitable to reflect on how you wanted to be perceived, sure, but Spada would be hard pressed to say that included questioning your entire gender presentation. That wasn't his goal when he had started this, but there was little he could do to stop the thoughts. The floodgates has opened and there was no hope of closing them back up.
It wasn't that he scared to face it, but it wasn't exactly what he had expected to be doing in his free time. But, what could you do about it?
This wasn't exactly new to him in its entirety. He had had some questions about his identity throughout his life. It was just really hard to focus on that when the world was in turmoil constantly. But now that there was little else to worry about, it seemed the feelings were finally surfacing once more.
Spada let out a sigh as he sat down on his bed. Another day gone, another day with little answer to his problem. He wasn't even sure who to talk to about this for help? Would anyone even have an answer for him about this?
He wanted to find an answer so he could stop thinking about it. But, what was he meant to do? How did you figure this type of stuff out anyway?
That was how Spada found himself calling Tsurugi late that night. He didn't know who else to call. They had a lot of knowledge. Maybe somehow they could find the answer to this question for him at last?
Tsurugi finally answered his call after five rings. Their face appeared on the video call, looking tired.
"Spada? Why're you calling so late? Something wrong?" Tsurugi asked, mumbling most of their words.
Spada nervously fiddled around with his hands as he avoided making direct eye contact. "Yeah... it's nothing major but I just can't get my mind to stop thinking about it. I just... didn't know who else to talk to for advice."
He felt guilty disturbing Tsurugi so late.
"It's fine. What's on your mind that's got you so worked up?" Tsurugi asked, getting slightly more attentive.
Spada hesitated his reply. How did he explain it? He hadn't thought over what exactly he would say. He just had called without another thought.
"I... I guess I've just been questioning myself a bit. About who I am." Spada stumbled over his words as he fought to get a coherent string of words out. "There's just something wrong. Something just doesn't feel like it quite fits."
"I'm not quite following." Tsurugi replied. "What doesn't feel right?"
Spada sighed. "My gender, I think. I don't know anymore. Just doesn't feel right sometimes. Does that even make sense?"
Tsurugi nodded. "Yeah. You're questioning your gender identity. That's all it is. Not that strange. Do you have any idea what you might be feeling more content as?"
Spada shook his head. "No. That's the issue. I thought and thought about it but it's not like anything you described for yourself. I don't hate being a guy all the time but sometimes I just wish I could change it up."
"Do you feel discontent with being male at any point?"
"Sometimes. Maybe once in a while it just feels wrong, you know? But then it stops after a while and I'm fine again. I don't get it at all and I hate it." Spada groaned.
Tsurugi was silent for a while, clearly pondering what had been said. Spada watched their expressions change as they thought. He was doubtful Tsurugi could find an answer. Clearly there was just something wrong with him, right?
"Well, I have a few ideas." Tsurugi finally replied. "There is genderfluid, where you fluctuate between genders. Kind of an umbrella term for the rest which is just a number of genders you fluctuate between. So you could also say something like bigender if you switch between two genders or pangender for more if you prefer. Though, those ones are used moreso if you are those genders at the same time instead of fluctuate. I don't know exactly which ones describes the situation of yours better but that is my offer."
Spada thought over their words. There was a name for it? Quite a few options.
"I'll think about which one suits me the best and I'll get back to you on that." Spada finally said. "Thanks for the help. Sorry for disturbing you so late but you're the only trans person I know so I..."
"It's fine." Tsurugi waved off his concern. "Glad to help where I can. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?"
Spada nodded. "Thank you."
With that, the call ended. Spada let out a sigh and laid back down on his bed. That had been productive at least. He had some semblance of a place to look now.
The term genderfluid stuck out the most from those options. It sounded like what he was experiencing. He'd have to take a deeper look at it. Maybe he would get to put a term to this feeling and finally shut his mind up about it?
It would be nice to stop constantly worrying over this. He didn't want to reflect anymore. He wanted peace from his thoughts at last.