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“Subaru.. I-“
“Hold it Reinhard.. how about we um.. do our mission first before running into anything?”
This was Subaru’s 7th time avoiding Reinhard’s confession. And there were 18 other times he’d failed.
Reinhard looked disheartened for a moment, but quickly understood. "You’re right Subaru, I’ll tell you later after this." Little does Reinhard know, Subaru is going to be disappearing away from the others' sight as soon as possible.
It was exhausting avoiding the inevitable like this, avoiding the pursuits of the other, but he felt that he didn’t have a choice.
Time after time, he died gruesome deaths and looped at a certain checkpoint. And he’d be back in a point of time where only he remembers all that occurred.
Building relationships with others proved to be tiresome, as he’d loop back anyways after dying, only to start the process all over again. Acting like it’s their first time meeting, and ignoring the overlapping images of their dead faces was sometimes hard.
Well, not like he had to worry about Reinhard dying for sure. The red haired knight can literally wish for a blessing and the blessing will be his.
“Then.. how about we go out for breakfast after the mission is complete in the morning together? I’ll tell you.. what I had to say.” The knight says with an overly charismatic smile, with slight redness painting his cheeks, that no one could hope to not fall in love with.
“Umm..” Subaru started unconfidently, “Sureeee.” He wasn’t very good with acting.
Reinhard had a certain expression flicker in his eyes, but it quickly disappeared. “You must be tired, let’s head into the camps and go to sleep.”
He gently pushed Subaru’s lower back to the way of his tent. A familiar touch to Subaru, well a familiar touch in a time that’s been long forgotten by Reinhard.
He waved Reinhard goodnight, and stared at the ceiling of his tent for a long time, recalling his past loops.
The first time that Reinhard confessed, it took Subaru by surprise. A tender look in those blue eyes, with a strong pair of hands gently holding Subaru’s. His heart might’ve skipped a beat, but he couldn’t let his loyalty to Emilia tremble, so he rejected.
An expression that should’ve never belonged on the Sword Saints face appeared, and the gentle hold fell. The following day Subaru died in his sleep.
The second time was slightly better, Subaru had half a day to process the confession a bit better, so he came prepared.
“I like you Subaru.”
“Reinhard, you’re a great friend but this confession is really sudden, can you come back to me tomorrow morning maybe? I think I'll have my answer by then.”
“Alright, please don’t feel pressured, I’ll wait for as long as you need.”
A smooth lie, paired with genuinity from the bottom of one’s heart.
The next day, Subaru still died, albeit a more painful death. He was prepared but the assassin easily overpowered him. His stomach was slit and he had multiple gashes on himself.
Reinhard ended up coming and killing the mysterious intruder in a blink of an eye. He immediately held Subaru’s body in his arms, crying while attempting to prevent the cruel death the other was about to face.
“Subaru… please…” A broken tone cried out. Subaru never thought that someone so grand as Reinhard would be crying over someone as weak as him. All he seems to be able to do is die embarrassing deaths.
“Reinhard… I don’t like you back, so please stop crying.” His hoarse voice replied, blood overflowing from his lips. With death looming over his soul once more, he told Reinhard a lie in hopes that Reinhard would move on from someone like him quickly.
Subaru died, and in that timeline Reinhard never ended up marrying anyone. At that moment, Subaru didn’t know that Reinhard had the blessing that allowed him a vague understanding of what happens in other people's minds.
3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,…
At this point, he was going to lose track of how many times he heard “I like you Subaru” leave Reinhard’s mouth.
Well, he didn’t particularly feel too bad to hear those words, and overtime he realized that maybe he did like Reinhard back, even if it was slightly.
“Um.. I like you too I think…”
One of the multiple times he decided to accept the heartfelt connections.
Reinhard would react differently based on how he would accept the other's confession. If Subaru was more nervous, Reinhard would kiss his forehead and put their heads together while wearing a wide smile.
If he was more confident and said it with his chest, Reinhard would laugh and get on his knees to take Subaru’s hand and kiss it as how a knight to a lady would do. The first time Reinhard did that, Subaru was extremely flustered and didn’t know how to react.
One time Subaru replied back to the confession while he was on his deathbed. He didn’t have much time left from the abnormal wounds he sustained in a battle. That time, Reinhard only tightly gripped his hand and sat in silence the whole time till Subaru breathed his last the following day.
The days of him and Reinhard being “together” were short but sweet. Like high schoolers holding hands on the first date, Subaru has already experienced enough giddiness for a lifetime.
Days where they would wake up to the birds chirping together and cuddle each other till the afternoon, both of them neglecting their individual duties and spending the time like they were on their honeymoon.
Fleeting moments of him being carried around by Reinhard when he couldn’t walk. Their sweats would mingle, as they held each other tight.
It was futile recalling such moments now, when the individual he shared them with has no recollection. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, with each encounter with Reinhard leaving a stronger taste than the last.
How can he relay to the Sword Saint that he’s already confessed more times than he can count on his fingers? Right now, his actions towards Reinhard have far surpassed what simple words can convey.
Did Subaru feel satisfied to leave their unrequited, requited love alone? Perhaps, he’s gotten sick of imagining Reinhard all alone in the various timelines where he has died.
He turned his body around on the uncomfortable sleeping bag to delve into sleep faster than his thoughts could consume him.
The next day rolls around, a beautiful sunny day, the exact replica of the one he experienced in his last loop. He knew that Reinhard would eventually come around to his text to wake him up, so he waited patiently, lying down on his ‘bed.’
The event’s unfolded as per usual, and this time he survived after the mission.
It was pure luck, but that’s how he managed to get by all this time anyways. The day after the mission was completely rolled around, and even though Subaru took great measures to avoid Reinhard, it didn’t work.
“Subaru! There you are, you weren’t in the inn.” The Sword Saint said, completely unaware of Subaru's avoidance of the other.
“Yea! Um, so…” The next words were supposed to be something like ‘Sorry! I really need to run some quick errands before that though’ but his quickened heart and jumbled thoughts conjured up the opposite.
“Where do you want to go?”
Ah. Looks like Subaru might need to loop back again and do this scenario all over again.
The pair took a seat at this cute cafe, obviously meant for couples. The lover dovey design of the building was a hot attraction, and Subaru could practically see hearts floating from all of the other tables surrounding them.
The waiter came around, confused as to why a handsome charismatic looking guy would be hanging out with a mean looking gangster, but she kept up her customer service attitude.
“Hello! What would you guys like today?” The waitress smiled, her body facing mainly Reinhard.
“I would like the Swan Lovers drink and the First Love pancakes please.” The red hair replied in his stupidly smooth voice, as Subaru would put it.
And for the rest of the day, Subaru would keep his guard up and act awkwardly avoidant around Reinhard. But his carefulness wasn’t needed, as there wasn’t any confession drop that happened.
The day was already coming to an end, normally Subaru would’ve just left as soon as the breakfast was over but Reinhard's insistence made him stay.
The sun was about the set, and strangely Subaru was reminded of the other versions of Reinhard we witnessed in his various failed loops.
His unfortunate circumstance, is he automatically sentenced to death if he were to elope with Reinhard? At certain moments, his hand feels strangely empty and he could only recount the few times he and Reinhard held hands. He felt a little envious of the Sword Saint, forever oblivious to their past playful banters and addressing their inexperience with romance together.
“Subaru, can I perhaps ask you something?”
Subaru’s heart leapt out of his chest, the broken silence made him snap out of his thoughts.
He still kept his face as cool as possible, even if his heart was running a marathon. “Yeah man, what is it..?”
“Is something bothering you? Lately.. you’ve been trying to avoid me and it looks to me that you’ve gotten more distant with me.” Reinhard had a sad look on his face while saying everything, making guilt hit Subaru like a truck.
It was silent for a moment, with both people showing visible signs of hurt and guilt. “Well…” Subaru awkwardly started. “I’m just.. tired! I’ve been so busy in the Emilia camp recently, so things have been really hectic!”
He fumbled around with his arms, hoping to cover up the signs of him panicking from him being outright confronted like this.
“Subaru..” His response only seemed to have dug the hole deeper in his heart, and Reinhard's handsome face was contorted in a way Subaru felt like it shouldn’t have.
“Sorry.. It’s just..”
Silence ensued between the pair, and Subaru couldn’t muster up a pathetic lie for his actions, afraid of negatively impacting Reinhard’s delicate heart.
After a minute of Subaru fidgeting with his sweaty hands and Reinhard longfully staring at Subaru, the Sword Saint decided to break the silence. “I.. understand your unwillingness to answer my question, I won’t continue to pry.”
Subaru heard Reinhard’s footsteps start to get further and further away from him, until he was left near the fountain all by himself. Subaru was thinking how he could’ve changed the outcome of today’s events, if what he did was truly in the best interest of Reinhard or if he was being selfish by deciding himself.
The next day, hoards of monsters attack the village. Reinhard ran into Subaru’s inn room to alert him and make sure that he’s safe, and from the way the Sword Saint was acting, Subaru wouldn’t have known that Reinhard was truly heartbroken by yesterday’s events.
But before Reinhard swiftly left Subaru’s room to defeat the monsters, Subaru asked Reinhard a simple question.
“Reinhard.. Would you want to if someone you liked, liked you back, even if they were to die really soon? Or would you rather never know, to lessen the grief of their death?”
Reinhard paused, contemplating over the strange nature of that question, trying to figure out why such a question would even be asked. The Sword Saint thought that maybe Subaru already held another person in his heart, so as much as it pained Reinhard, he chose to answer honestly.
“I would still want to know that they reciprocate my feelings, so at least I can love them to the utmost until the end of their lives. The grief that’ll come won't compare to the happiness I will have experienced with them.”
Subaru silently nodded in response to that, and Reinhard quickly left the room, ready to subjugate all the monsters terrorizing the people.
And later that day, he hears the following news that Subaru died while protecting a little girl from a monster. He never got to ask him why Subaru asked that question, nor will he ever hear what Subaru might’ve responded to his possible confession. For the rest of his unfulfilled life, he will continue mourning and chasing the glimpses of Subaru he sees in other people.
A cold sensation, a graze of a hand, and a foreign feeling of returning to a checkpoint. Subaru didn’t purposefully die so he can redo all of this and hopefully do things right with Reinhard, he was going to confess to the red-head after all of the monsters were taken care of. But that didn’t work out, and he was stuck with having to bury the guilt of imagining how Reinhard felt in the other reality he had to leave behind once again.
A familiar scenario happened in front of him like the other time. They were surrounding the campfire that Reinhard made for them, and they were grilling some fish on sticks.
“Subaru.. I-”
“Wait, before you continue, I have something to tell you.” Subaru looked him dead in the eye with determination fired up in his pupils.
Reinhard was taken aback by the interruption, but nevertheless, encouraged Subaru to go first.
Subaru took a deep breath, as even though Reinhard confessed to him multiple times, he’s never actually been the one to take initiative, “I love you.”
“..?”
“I’ve liked you for a every long time, and-”
Before Subaru went on an embarrassing ramble about how much he liked the other, Reinhard teleported by his side in a heartbeat, with a strong pair of arms almost choking him. For Subaru, it’s been a while since he’s had that chamomile scent enter his nose, and was allowed to indulge in the comfort and security of someone else.
“Subaru… I like you too!” Reinhard said heartfeltly, it was something that Subaru could never get sick of hearing come out of his mouth. Right, for Reinhard it was his first time loving him, but for Subaru it’s been tens of hundreds of times that he’s fallen over and over again.
For how many times will he die, and for how many times will he recount this? Only God can answer, and God will also be the only witness to the romantic collections of Reinhard and Subaru.
“Can I kiss you?”
“..Why are you asking.. You can just, uh,” Subaru blushes a bit, “Do it whenever you want..”
“Haha.. then me too, you can also kiss me whenever you’d like!”
Under the bright, gleaming stars, and next to the warmth provided by the fire, they share a tender kiss.