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Hyeongjun has been feeling awful all week, and he can't quite place his finger on why.
Objectively, everything is going great. He's tired, yes, but not overly so. The schedules they have are invigorating and fun, he enjoys them even if afterwards he crawls into his bed with the blankets over his head and earphones situated firmly in his ears.
On Sunday, they filmed an English interview. He doesn't even remember who it was for, or really what was said, but this sticky, sickly feeling in his stomach has followed him since. His skin feels wrong . Even Seungmin's gentle kisses and deep pressure hugs do nothing to relieve it.
They don't have anything to do this morning, which is why Hyeongjun crawled into bed with Seungmin last night and buried his head in his neck to try and block out his swirling thoughts. It didn't really work, but Seungmin's sweet floral scent and his warm, firm chest was reassuring. Even if Hyeongjun feels bad, Seungmin is here. That's a constant.
“Mornin’” his fiance mumbles sleepily, kissing his cheek with loose lips. Seungmin's voice is deep and rough, a beautiful sound.
“Morning,” Hyeongjun whispers back. Ever-attentive, Seungmin can tell even from one word that Hyeongjun isn't feeling the best.
He frowns, rubbing one eye and rolling over to press their faces close together, noses touching. “Hyeongjun-ah,” he says, tucking Hyeongjun's hair behind his ear. “What's wrong?”
Hyeongjun shakes his head. He doesn't know , can't get the words out even if he wanted to. They dry up on his tongue. Seungmin's palm rests warm and comforting on his cheek and, without meaning to, Hyeongjun begins to cry.
The tears come thick and fast, rolling hot down his cheeks and dripping onto the pillow. He takes in a shaky breath and his shoulders start to tremble as the lump in his throat grows into sobs in his chest. Seungmin doesn't ask, just draws him close, tucking Hyeongjun into his body like he's meant to fit there.
He still doesn't know why he's crying. He doesn't know why he's upset at all, not until three more days of bubbling anxiety and dread that refuses to leave no matter what breathing strategies or coping mechanisms he employs. Even playing guitar does nothing to help, but at least the strings can put the feelings trapped inside him out into the world. It's when Gunil comes to get him after he's spent far too long in the studio that it clicks. Something about the situation - maybe what Gunil is wearing, or the soft expression on his face - makes Hyeongjun recall what Gunil had said when translating his small comment to the interviewer after the cameras had cut.
“Time to come home, Hyeongjun-ah,” Gunil says, taking in the reddening of his calloused fingers. He leans against the door, holding it open so Hyeongjun really can't protest. Putting Hota back in her stand, Hyeongjun looks up at him and the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop himself.
“Hyung,” Hyeongjun starts softly, blowing on his fingers where they sting. “Are there gender-neutral pronouns in English?”
Gunil blinks at him, but used to Hyeongjun’s random tangents and five-steps-ahead questions, he simply nods and grabs Hyeongjun's jacket for him to put on as they leave the solo practise room.
He's silent until the door is shut behind them, and then speaks. “Yeah,” Gunil says, careful and tentative. “ They can be used as a singular gender neutral pronoun, not just a plural.”
“Oh,” Hyeongjun bites his lips. “Can you give an example?”
Gunil looks at him for a long moment before he smiles softly, his eyes shining with affection. “Of course, Hyeongjun-ah. How about: Do you know Jun Han? They're really cute and their guitar skills are crazy! I love them.” He speaks slowly, enunciating the words with a gentle concern. Hyeongjun stares at him with wide eyes. Does he know ? He hasn't told anyone except Seungmin. Instead of feeling panic, though, Hyeongjun feels…at ease. I love them , Gunil said.
“I love you too, hyung,” Hyeongjun whispers when he finds his voice again. He can't bring himself to say anything else.
Lying in his bunk later, staring at nothing, Hyeongjun mulls over the words again. He hadn't really thought about it…pronouns. He hardly ever hears geu about himself, just his name or ‘you’. Besides, geu is gender neutral. Geunyeo is just awkward in his opinion and a little rude. Why should women be differentiated from men? Aren't they all the same inside? Then again, Hyeongjun isn't a man or woman, so he probably doesn't have reliable opinions on such things.
English pronouns are more complicated. He and his, she and hers, them and theirs…He hadn't thought about it until now, really. Is that what made him so uncomfortable? That Gunil-hyung, just trying to help, had said “he said” to the interviewer?
He…
Hyeongjun opens his phone. Twitter is…probably not the best place to go when he's feeling vulnerable and overwhelmingly anxious about his latest discovery, but he does so anyway. He decides to check out some of the English-speaking Villains tweets in what Seungmin would say is self-torture.
He. Everywhere. Of course, that makes sense. He is a boy. But he's not. But he has the body and that's what it says on his birth certificate and that's what everyone thinks he is. Hyeongjun feels sick.
He keeps scrolling.
Interestingly, there's some fans who say things like babygirl , call him their girlfriend , say junhan is so gender . He doesn't really know what that last one means, but after some searching and context clues he figures that it means he's androgynous in a way they're jealous of? He's not sure.
Hyeongjun kind of likes it. Seungmin has tried it a few times, too, calling Hyeongjun his pretty girlfriend and his princess and every time it makes Hyeongjun's face hot and his chest swell with happiness. Junhan is so gender , he likes that. He likes that people notice, he likes that he's androgynous, that they're not gendering him. It feels…right.
He doesn't plan to say it. The moment just comes when they're packing away after group practise the next day and Hyeongjun is watching them laugh and pretend to tie Jungsu in cables. It kind of just slips out. Everything is comfortable and everyone is here and Hyeongjun loves them so dearly, their heart so fond.
“Can I tell you a secret?” They ask, hedging a little. No dread settles in their stomach, no cloying wrongness seeps into their skin. Their tone must be a little serious, because everyone stops what they're doing and turns to Hyeongjun. Jungsu looks worried and Jiseok frowns, somewhat perturbed.
Gunil hums. “Of course, Hyeongjun-ah,” he encourages gently. “You can tell us anything.”
“Is it that you're gay?” Jooyeon teases, trying to lighten the suddenly heavy atmosphere. “Because we already know that.”
Hyeongjun laughs at him and watches his shoulders relax as the tension seems away. “It is kind of similar, actually,” they say. “I'm non-binary, um, that is…I'm not a boy, or a girl.”
“Oh, Hyeongjun-ah,” Jungsu says, struggling out of the cable situation he's in to come over and hug Hyeongjun tightly. “Thank you for telling us.”
Hyeongjun melts into his arms, feeling a rush of relief so strong they could cry. Jungsu rubs their back in soothing circles.
“I'm proud of you,” he whispers and Hyeongjun chokes on a small sob. “You're so brave, our Hyeongjunie.”
Jungsu releases them only for Gunil to take his place, opening his arms for a hug that Hyeongjun gladly indulges in.
“Your pronouns,” Gunil says, questioning, as his arms tighten around Hyeongjun's narrow shoulders. “Is that why you've been so upset this week?”
Hyeongjun nods, pulling back and wiping the tears that trickle down their cheeks. “I didn't realise,” they mumble. “But that conversation we had, yesterday…I think I felt so bad because you called me with he and him in English.”
“I'm sorry,” Gunil says, offering a comforting smile and taking Hyeongjun's hand in his own. “I didn't know. I'll do my best to avoid it,” he adds. They both know Hyeongjun couldn't come out even if they wanted to.
“No, it's okay, you didn't know,” Hyeongjun shakes their head. Seungmin rolls his eyes and comes to stand beside them, wrapping an arm around their waist.
“Idiot,” Seungmin says, fondly. “If you told me you were coming out to the others, I'd have got you a cake.”
Hyeongjun laughs. “A cake?” They ask. “What for?”
“To celebrate!” Jiseok chimes in as if it's obvious and Hyeongjun really is an idiot. “We're proud of you and we love you and I love you and we should celebrate. Coming out is a big deal, it deserves to be a fun occasion.”
Jooyeon nods rapidly, grinning. “Yup, we got cake the first time you came out. Why not now?”
“What?” Hyeongjun says, baffled. “We all came out, it was a mutual thing!”
“Well, now it's a you-thing. Hyeongjun-ah, Junani, Junhan, you're nonbinary! That's pretty fucking cool. You're cool,” Jooyeon says, tugging them into an awkward, long-limbed hug. “I love you and I'm proud of you,” Jooyeon whispers in their ear. “Let us get you cake.”
Hyeongjun giggles, hugging Jooyeon back. “You're ridiculous, Yeonie,” they say, letting Jooyeon swing them side to side. “Fine, fine, you can get me cake.”