Chapter Text
It all started when Dr. Flug became a biological father.
Being a fairy, Mrs. Admin Flugslys was a hardcore believer in natural water births, the sort where your only assistants were a well respected fairy midwife and Earth's gravity.
They rushed to the mystical waterfall as soon as Admin went into labor, leaving the remaining Hat Mansion residents to fend for themselves without their organizer and their healer. Or at least that was the case for their boss Black Hat, the Flugslys’ beloved bear 505, and their wannabe badass sniper Greaser. Their wild card Demencia wasn’t trusted to watch even the most precious of eggs without completely shattering it into yolk with her feral claws.
“JACK, CONSTRICT HER!” Black Hat commanded.
Thunder briefly illuminated and shook the towering hallway windows, giving Black Hat’s snake just enough of a flash to find its target. The massive boa meticulously slithered towards the darting, cackling figure. Suddenly, she made the mistake of presenting herself to Jack.
“Hi, Jackie!” Demencia laughed.
HISSSSSS!
Demencia wriggled and writhed within the snake’s grasp, but not even she could budge his deadly grip. But all attempts at breaking free halted once Black Hat stepped forth into her view.
“Mi amor, it’s you!” she purred. “Thank you thank you a MILLION times thank you for letting me play with Lil Jack! He’s almost as cute as his owner!” She booped the snake’s nose.
“He’s not here to play.” Black Hat crushed Demencia’s one free hand under his shoe. “He’s helping me dispose of you until you can be the Flugs’ problem again.” His grimace gave way to Demencia’s favorite image: Black Hat’s rotten, sharp grin.
“WAIT! My divine emperor of evil, before you send me away, can you…kiss me goodnight?”
Black Hat bent over, his face so close to Demencia’s that she could taste him with a whiff. His all encompassing grime was more potent than gasoline and more rotten than roadkill. Another flash of lightning illuminated the acidic secretion lining his pores. Demencia’s heart raced within her. She squeezed her eyes shut and puckered her lips, awaiting the vile lips of her beloved black mamba.
“No,” he bluntly answered.
With a swift snap of Black Hat’s fingers, Demencia was whisked away empty handed to her dark, holding cell of a room. She reveled in the suffocating grip of his black magic until she was back on her cold, torn up, padded floor. Her eyes lingered on the hand that Black Hat so carelessly crushed. She brought it close…and licked the dirt off of it.
“Oh Black Hat, mi amor,” she swooned at the bare, pitch black corner of her room. “Someday I’ll make you a father too! Just like Admin and Flug!”
Back in the hallway, Black Hat rubbed his cheek against Lil Jack’s oily snake skin as the boa slithered up his master’s arm. “Good boy,” he silently mouthed. He tucked the snake away in his hat as he made his way back to his office.
-
Three days later, the Flugs came back from their pilgrimage with an adorable baby boy in their arms.
505 was the most excited to see them again (especially when he had a new baby brother to meet), but Demencia was faster. She rushed inside and squeezed Flug into a tight hug.
"OMIGOSH WELCOME BACK, LOVEBIRDS!!" Her eyes snapped open and looked right at the little newborn baby in Admin's arms. "AWWW, is this the little cutiepie?!" She booped his little nose with one of her fingers.
"Mhm, his name's Bunsen!" Admin announced.
"Bunsen Flugslys," Flug elaborated. "Or as you'll all call him, Bunsen Flug."
"Awww, hewwo wittle Bunsen!" Demencia stuck her tongue out at the little baby. Bunsen seemed a little scared already. "Oh he's so precious, I could just eat him up!"
"So can I," a voice of pure evil purred.
Everyone yelped and turned to look up at its owner. It was unmistakably Black Hat, standing up straight and grinning dreadfully as he eyed the new resident of his mansion.
Admin protectively held Bunsen against her chest and hid him under his blanket. "Don't you DARE even try!"
Blackhat walked closer. His demonic smile didn't budge. "Oh my dear Admin, just a peak. I'd like a good look at my dinner first."
Flug shoved himself in between his wife and his boss. "O-oh no, you can try, but you can't hurt this one!"
"He's right! You literally can't hurt Bunsen!" Admin pulled Bunsen's wee hand from his blanket and showed off a pearl-like beaded bracelet on his wrist. "The other fairies gave me this at my baby shower, it's a protective bracelet that guards against pure evil, so you can't even put the tip of your claw on him!"
Black Hat frowned and tried to place one of his long, eerie fingers on Bunsen anyway. A spark of pure magic jolted him like a buzzer. He pulled his arm back and snarled at Flug and Admin.
"FINE!" he yelled. "I'll leave this worm alone…for now." He grinned and cackled as he disappeared back into the shadows.
"Aw, I always knew he was great with kids!" Demencia sighed dreamily.
"Right…" Flug turned to his baby son with worry in his eyes. "I guess we should start investing in his future therapy bills now."
Flug felt a tap tap tap on his shoulder.
"Bao?" It was 505, trying to peer around them to look at Bunsen.
Admin smiled sweetly and handed baby Bunsen to his big bear brother. "Here you go! 505, meet Bunsen!"
505's eyes lit up once he saw Bunsen's little face. "Bao!" He playfully brushed Bunsen with his massive paws. Bunsen giggled and put his tiny hands around his brother's paw.
A heartfelt awwww escaped Flug and Admin.
Demencia watched from five feet away, fascinated by the family bonding happening before her. She always knew she wanted kids someday and she was ecstatic about Bunsen's arrival ever since Admin revealed her pregnancy, but those initial feelings were a mere drop compared to the violent ocean of baby fever washing over her at that moment. Like the internal flick of a light, something began to click and change within her as she watched wee little Bunsen coo and giggle.
A vivid thought struck her, one of her in 505's place. In her arms was a newborn of her own, one with her electric green hair and her beloved's top hat. In Flug and Admin's place was Black Hat, grinning sweetly as he gazed upon the baby. His baby.
Within the fantasy, Demencia beamed at Black Hat as she handed him the little child. Black Hat made one of his silly, nightmarish faces, the ones that he already loved showing to children. Her baby laughed and reached its arms out, wanting to be close to its father no matter what.
"Mi Amor," imaginary Blackhat purred, "they're perfect. Thank you for mothering my child. Now that you've birthed my heir, all is right in the universe and evil can reign supreme once again."
"Of course, ANYTHING for you, Black Hat!" Demencia said out loud.
"In fact…" Imaginary Black Hat spawned a bassinet and shoved it aside. It flew into another room and deposited the imaginary baby into its imaginary crib. Once he was sure the baby was out of the room, he magically closed the door and threw his arms around Demencia. "Let's make even more~"
Demencia gasped. "Yes, YES!" she passionately accepted his dip kiss.
"Um, Demencia, what are you doing?" Flug asked.
Demencia opened up her eyes, her real eyes. She was wrapped around a couch cushion. Her tongue had the taste of couch lint on it.
Admin was flying over 505 and using her hands to cover his eyes. "Come on, not in front of the boys!"
Demencia suddenly didn't feel so good. Not because of embarrassment, embarrassment was a foreign emotion to her, but nausea. Bad nausea. She gagged, covered her mouth, and ran out of the room.
The distant sound of vomit followed the slam of the bathroom door.
"Is…she okay?" Admin asked.
"Is she ever okay?" Flug countered.
"You have a point, but that still can't be good…here, you and 505 can watch Bunsen. As soon as she comes back out, I'll go heal her."
"No, come on. You just gave birth, just this once you deserve to go a bit without being the team medic!"
"But Kenny, you and I both know Black Hat doesn't believe in parental leave! Now that I'm back and especially now that I'm not pregnant, it's RIGHT back to working for me! If Demencia's too sick to go out and fuck up heroes, it means another office meeting for me."
"You…you're right," Flug sighed. "We'll be in his nursery."
-
Admin groaned in frustration. She must have tried every food poisoning, motion sickness, and even sea sickness cure in recorded fairy history, but nothing was settling whatever plagued Demencia. Not even her usual all-around healing aura was helping.
"Are you SURE you're not feeling at least a LITTLE better?" Admin asked.
"Not in the slightest!"
"Greaaat."
"Maybe your magic went away after you gave birth! Like how it did when you and Flug had that falling out!" Demencia suggested.
"NO, fairy magic doesn't work like that! If anything, my healing aura should be stronger after giving birth. You know, as a survival aid." Admin tried to think a bit harder. What ailments were more difficult to relieve? It was usually those that nature more or less intended. "...it's not as effective, but how about we try a menstruation aid?"
"Silly Admin, you know I can't remember my last period!"
"You'd be surprised; the uterus works in mysterious ways."
Admin charged her hands full of fairy dust and drove it into Demencia anyway. The aura surrounding them was a distinct red. Demencia giggled and laughed uncontrollably again, she was always oddly ticklish with magic spells. Admin breathed out as the aura faded.
"Do you feel any better?"
"Nope!"
Admin groaned out with even more fury. Suddenly, there was a bang on the door. It was followed by Greaser slamming the door open anyway and walking in without any permission, as he usually (and unfortunately) did.
"Hi Greasy!" Demencia yelled.
"Oh, you're back from giving birth. Cool." Greaser lifted his sunglasses for clarity as he saw Admin sitting by Demencia's side with her hands over her. "Uh, did I walk in on something?"
"Kind of. What do you want?" Admin asked.
"I just came here to relay what Ghoul told me: Dark Phantom will be over with 'the boys' tonight to celebrate Flug's fatherhood and start Bunsen's villain training early. He specified that this is not a request or an invitation, this is a warning."
Admin stared at him, her mouth twitching at the corner. "Will you get out of here?! I'm in the middle of something!"
"What's wrong with Demencia this time?" Greaser asked.
"VOMIT and a whole lot of it!" Demencia cackled.
"Oh shit, me too," Greaser threw some finger guns her way.
"You've GOT to be kidding!" Admin groaned.
"Yeahhh, Ghoul and I went overboard with the tequila while you and Flug were out." Greaser leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, mentally recalling the whole event. "We did some wasted online shopping, Ghoul drank one of Flug's aquariums-"
"He WHAT?!" Admin yelled.
"Mhm, 'it's the way of my people,' he said. Then we woke up the next morning in Dark Phantom's parents' house somehow. DP got quite the voicemail from his old man concerning Ghoul's behavior, let me tell ya. We both still have 5 star hangovers from the whole thing. We offered some drinks to Demencia, but Blackhat beat us with a cane for even entertaining the idea of letting her have alcohol."
Admin sighed and snapped her fingers. A glint of magic twinkled on Greaser’s surface.
“Ay, you fixed the hangover!” Greaser flashed Admin a leather fingerless glove clad thumbs up.
“Oh thank Gaia, so it’s not my magic failing. It’s just…something very weird and oddly specific plaguing Demencia that’s the problem.”
"Maybe she's pregnant," Greaser said casually. “If there’s anything watching DP’s trashy reality TV taught me, it’s that only two things ever cause nausea: alcohol or pregnancy.”
Demencia gasped. “Pregnancy, you say?” Her manic lizard eyes were brimming at the corners of her wide smile.
"What?! No!” Admin quickly scanned Demencia with her eyes. “She can't be, she's a virgin!"
"Pixie please, you can't just look at someone and call them a virgin," Greaser said.
"Unfortunately, my fairy senses can immediately tell if someone's a virgin or not. If someone leaves and loses it, I know right away." She glared at Greaser in particular. She'll never forget being cursed with very unfortunate knowledge after him and Ghoul returned from a bathroom break during an aquarium visit.
"Of course I'm a virgin!" Demencia bragged. "I'm a gift that can only be ferociously unwrapped by my darling Black Hat!"
Greaser shoved his finger in his mouth, forcing an audible gag.
"Yet again," Admin realized, "fairies have virgin births all the time and Demencia isn't exactly…human. Oh god, you might be onto something!"
"WELP, I guess it's time to go pee on a stick!" Demencia launched herself onto her feet and ran to another bathroom.
"Do we even have pregnancy tests?" Greaser asked. "Doesn't seem like something the boss would care to stock up on."
"Oh yeah, he does," Admin corrected.
"Why?!"
Admin looked side to side. "Between you and me, I don't think Black Hat knows how babies happen. I think he believes humans can just…spontaneously get each other pregnant."
"What gave you that idea?"
"While you were, ughhh, busy at the aquarium, one of the tour guides told us all about how one of the sharks had a virgin birth. Flug and I were absolutely fascinated, but Black Hat just looked horrified, especially when some kid yelled 'like the virgin Mary?' When they were done, he pulled us aside and demanded to, and I quote, 'not pull that shit on my island!'"
"Really! I thought he at least knew about, you know, the usual method."
Admin shook her head. "That's the thing! When I told him I was pregnant with Bunsen, he had the nerve to ask if Flug was the father! This is the same boss that gave Flug and only Flug a permit to ‘stimulate’ me to produce all that fairy dust we sell!"
“Eugh, TMI, pixie. Say, how’d Black Hat not fire you for that?"
"He can't! I signed a blood oath to serve him for life and he figured both me and him were immortal, so Bunsen would only be a child for a very short time in the grand scheme of us working together." Admin frowned. "But…I don't know if Demencia has that same contract. I hope for her sake that the test is negative."
"Yeah, me too. The old boss is gonna be livid if he finds out another baby is coming to the island."
Suddenly, the whole hat mansion heard Demencia's squeal of joy from the bathroom. That was their answer.
"Oh NO," Admin and Greaser said in unison. They ran out into the hallway, but she was already gone. "OH NO."
Black Hat cackled in delight as he imagined all the ways he could torment baby Bunsen. Sure, he couldn't physically hurt or touch him, but as soon as his family left him alone…he'd give Bunsen perfect nightmare material.
He took a long swig of his coffee. It was bitter, black, and ice cold, just like his heart. In other words, perfect for him.
The only sounds in Black Hat's office were the stirring of coffee, dramatic classical music, and some ambient human screaming ASMR that Flug helped him download.
Yes, everything in this break was absolutely perfect…
…until Demencia suddenly dropped from the ceiling and landed perfectly into Black Hat's lap. He screamed as his coffee suddenly flew out of his hands and perfectly splashed him. He snarled and grimaced at Demencia.
"GET OUT! " he yelled with the fury of Satan himself.
Demencia laughed playfully and stroked his cheek. Black Hat smacked her hand away and growled.
"Oh mi amor, mi amor!" Demencia sighed. "It's a miracle, a miracle of true love!"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Black Hat demanded.
Demencia blushed and looked aside. "I…know what I’m about to say might be, oh so scandalous mi amor malvado! But even if the world turns against us, I promise I'll stay right by your side!"
"What in bloody HELL are you talking about?!"
Suddenly, the massive doors opened. It was Flug, panting and almost at his knees. "Jefecito, what's wrong?!" He ran over to Black Hat as fast as possible, grasping the couch as he gasped for breath. "I-I heard you yelling and-"
"DEMENCIA, DON'T!"
The three of them turned back to the door. Admin and Greaser were running inside as well.
"Look, we can figure this out, okay? But you can't drag the boss into this!" Greaser yelled through gritted teeth.
"Yeah, I-I was in your shoes once and I know how exciting this is, but," Admin nervously gulped. "I-I don't think Black Hat will be as happy as Flug was!"
Greaser gave a supportive nod.
"As happy as I-" Flug shook his head. "Admin what are you-"
"WHAT ARE ANY OF YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Black Hat yelled even louder.
Greaser and Admin tried to cover Demencia's mouth only for her to escape their grasp easily.
She wrapped her arms around Black Hat. He uncomfortably tried to pull her off, but all his struggle dropped once she quietly whispered her news.
In all their years of servitude, not even Dr. Flug had seen a more visceral look of drop dead dread reach Black Hat's face.
"You're…what?" he asked hoarsely, almost choking on his own words.
Demencia giggled and stood up. "I'm pregnant!"
"You're WHAT?!"
The entire room exploded into flames.