Chapter Text
The heat was so sweltering, so ripe and scorching with fury. It stung not with heat, but with disbelief, a burning shock that struck everyone’s hearts rather than their skin. The heat would have melted the skin right off of the blazing office’s mortal occupants if it wasn’t for Admin’s icy, fireproof aura shielding them from the flames of Black Hat’s wrath.
“Aww, I know that must be nerve wracking for a new father like you,” Demencia said obliviously, “But there’s nothing to be afraid of! Really-”
“O U T !” Black Hat’s voice thundered throughout the office, sending shockwaves of terror into the tight throats of his subjects. Even Demencia was thrown off balance by his vocal quake. His sharp hand draped over them, pointing his subjects back to the door that they came in through.
“Y-YES, R-RIGHT AWAY, JEFECITO!” Flug answered for the crowd. He urgently started leading his coworkers out the door.
“EVERYONE…EXCEPT YOU, DOCTOR!” Black Hat commanded, pointing at Flug specifically.
“O-oh, of course!” Flug walked back into the room. He yelped at the sudden slam of the doors behind him.
Once the two of them were sealed alone, Black Hat blew steam from his nostrils, lowering his monstrous rage and extinguishing the office flames. “I have a vital task for you. Come, sit.”
Black Hat faded to shadow and reappeared in his chair. Flug was about to sit in the usual, lesser seat that he took, but cried out again at the site of Lil Jack occupying the chair.
“Boss, a-are you going to-”
“I SAID SIT.”
“AT ONCE, YOUR VILENESS!” Flug uncomfortably sat himself right next to the still boa. Once he did, Lil Jack began slowly coiling himself around Flug, flashing and flicking his forked tongue as he made his way around.
A smile stretched across Black Hat’s face as he watched Flug squirm and sweat in his snake’s cold embrace. “So. Just as I dreaded, I see your spawn has had an…effect on the desires of your fellow, lowly subjects.”
Flug nodded and gulped. His hands were now firmly locked into place byLil Jack’s constriction. “Y-yes, um, c-can we hurry this conversation a bit? I have a baby waiting for me!”
“THAT’S THE PROBLEM HERE!” Black Hat slammed his fist on the table, igniting the looming chandelier above. “HOW IS THIS COMPANY SUPPOSED TO MAINTAIN ITS INFAMOUS IMAGE IF EVERYONE IS GENERATING LARVAE LIKE EASTER RABBITS!” Venom dripped from Black Hat’s foaming maw.
“AH! W-well think about the future, they’ll work for you someda-” Flug’s breath was cut off by Lil Jack squeezing his lungs. “T-the task! What is the task?!” he wheezed.
Black Hat sighed, putting his hands together. “Yes, the task. It is of the utmost importance that you use your science to prove that Demencia’s…THING has nothing to do with me, Doctor.”
Flug’s eyes snapped open, the anticlimactic nature of Black Hat’s task dawning on him. “Why, that’s easy with just a bit of logic! You see, my wife can confirm that Demencia is a virgin, making is physically impossible for-”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT DEMENCIA’S VIRGINITY, JUST PROVE THAT HER SPAWN ISN’T MINE!”
Lil Jack tickled Flug’s neck with his tongue. Flug’s eyes darted from side to side, unsure of how to make the obvious more obvious. He recalled his annual physicals of the organization staff. “Sir, it really is physically impossible! For one, you completely lack a pair of-”
“This isn’t about MY body, Flug!” Black Hat spat, leaning across the table. “Look, I don’t care HOW you do it! Just run your little tests and prove that Demencia’s spawn isn’t related to me! THIS SHOULD BE SIMPLE YOU LITTLE-”
Flug tried to nod, but quickly found his face covered by “Okay, okay, I-I’ll start running the tests as soon as possible!”
Black Hat’s professional smile returned. “Perfect. Now be gone with you.”
With a snap of Black Hat’s fingers, Flug was suddenly squeezed deathly tight by Lil Jack and teleported away. Black Hat extended his hand. Lil Jack excitedly placed his head in his hand, hissing as he received Black Hat’s appreciatory scritches.
“Good boy,” Black Hat mouthed.
-
The following morning’s air was tense with the ear splitting cries of Bunsen. Flug anxiously rocked his son in his arms, trying desperately to get him quiet down before Black Hat had another word with him.
“Sh, sh, it's okay, Bunsen! Daddy's here!" he desperately said.
Bunsen's wailing showed no signs of stopping. Admin swooped into the nursery, her tired wings working their hardest to rush her inside.
"Here, here, let me see him!" Admin took Bunsen into her own hands and kissed his little forehead. A light aura of soothing enveloped them both, bringing Bunsen to a peaceful sleep.
"Muchas gracias, chiquitita." Flug wrapped his arms around Admin, kissed her cheek, and leaned against her for comfort. "I just don't know what I'm doing wrong with him…"
Suddenly, Demencia kicked the door open with a box of party supplies in her arms. "Hey Doc! Guess what?! EVERYONE is invited to my very SUPER COOL baby shower tomorrow!"
"Baby shower?!" Admin shot a confused look at Flug.
"Demencia, a baby shower is usually done a month before the baby is born, not the day after you find out about it!" Flug explained.
"That's what I said," Greaser commented as he made his entrance. "But…well, doc you may want to see this."
Flug gulped. "See…what exactly?"
Demencia suddenly dropped her box of supplies to the ground. Flug and Admin gasped. Despite it only being her second day of pregnancy, Demencia already looked like she was in her second trimester! Admin handed Bunsen back to Flug and took a closer look at Demencia.
"Oh my god, I've never seen anything like this!" Admin marveled at how much Demencia grew in such little time. She recalled it feeling like forever until Bunsen started showing himself. "Are you okay?! That HAD to hurt, right? I have my healing aura right here if you feel like something is-"
"There's no need!" Demencia said, confidently placing a hand over her bump. "We're both fine! In fact, we're more than fine! I'm feeling AMAZING! Black Hat's going to be SO proud at how fast his baby is arriving!"
Greaser, Admin, and Flug traded concerned looks. Speaking of, Flug realized this was the perfect opportunity to get what he needed started.
"Yes, yes, this is…well, this is incredible, really!" Flug said. "But let's make absolutely sure! Demencia, I need to run some tests on you today."
"Tests?" She laughed. "Okay! Throw anything at us, Doc! Me and lil Black Hat junior will pass ANYTHING together!" She threw on her lizard hood and dropped to the floor in a menacing stance.
"Um, not those types of tests," Flug elaborated. "They're scientific tests to see how your baby's doing!"
"Oh, alrighty then!" Demencia suddenly grabbed Flug's hands and pulled him out of the nursery. "Come on, let's go! I want to see how capable of world destruction they are!"
-
Admin’s baby shower was still fresh on everyone’s mind when they received the little illustrated, comic style invitations to Demencia’s baby shower. The fantastical, nature inspired decor, whimsical vibes of the venue, and fae traditions made it a party that they certainly remembered well in contrast to their usual, villainous affairs. Highlights included tea, a fresh fruit buffet, and a legendary strawberry shortcake that everyone craved the recipe for.
As each guest made their way to the Hat Mansion for this party, they expected something similar, just reskinned to Demencia’s tastes. They expected a little reptilian theming, some punk aesthetic choices, and another strawberry shortcake if they were lucky accenting a traditional baby shower.
Demencia’s shower, much like her pregnancy, was anything but traditional.
The first thing Penumbra noticed when she stepped from her car was the booming bass of punk rock. Flashing lights from the windows and distant screams only further added to the intimidation. She was suddenly hit with the gut feeling that her one floral, pastel green dress that she dug back out for this shower was highly inappropriate.
“Are you sure I can do this?” Penumbra quietly asked her plus-one inside her duffel bag. “I-I mean it was so sudden and I didn’t even bring a gift!”
Sunblast dug his tiny self out of the bag’s pocket and flashed her an illuminated thumbs up.
Penumbra took a deep breath as she pressed the ghastly doorbell. Greaser leaned his back against the door to open it. He was dressed head to toe like a proper club bouncer, complete with tuxedo and his usual bat shaped sunglasses.
“Name?” He briefly raised his shades to get a better look at the guest. “Oh, hey Penny. Come on in, the fighting ring’s a smashing success so far.”
“The…fighting ring?”
The sound of glass shattering, a fellow villain screaming, and Demencia triumphantly laughing was heard in the distance. A crowd’s applause followed.
“Yep. We had to include violence somehow or else Black Hat wouldn’t have allowed this shower.” Greaser lowered his signature batwing sunglasses back over his eyes as he ushered Penumbra inside. “Next?”
To Greaser’s delight, the next guest was an earless, white eyed fiend that he knew all too well. Dark Phantom sniffled as he brought out his boxed gift. “I-I know that I may not have a chance with her anymore, but…do you think Demencia will still appreciate me-”
Greaser interrupted Dark Phantom with a firm shove. “Yeah, yeah, whatever DP, where’s my fish man?”
Ghoul rushed over from Dark Phantom’s car and squeezed Greaser in a tight hug. “Right here, mi hombre!”
“There you are, sirenito!” Greaser swiftly pecked Ghoul all over his body.
Dark Phantom scoffed. “Yeah, go on, rub it in my single face!” He tucked his gift box under his arm and hurried inside.
Greaser subtly pushed Ghoul towards the door with each kiss as he showered him with affection. “Alright, go have fun, sirenito. I’ll see you inside.” They shared one last kiss on the lips before Greaser playfully shoved Ghoul into the bustling mansion. “Okay, next?” he asked, going back to his guest list.
The next guests said nothing. They simply stood there, silently perched in perfectly upright, perfectly still stances like mannequins. Greaser lifted his shades again to survey this party. There were five of them, each positioned to form a perfect triangle of members. All five had the same pitch black hair dyed the same shade, the same black tuxedo, and the same blood red dress shirts adorned with the same black spiders in place of bow ties. The only accessory that distinguished the member in front was a cobweb cape draped over his shoulders and hanging down to his lower back. Their identities were sealed behind perfectly identical gray masks, each with one pointed, white right eye and one glassy, red, circular left eye.
Greaser was completely thrown off by their presence. He barely had to do any actual bouncer work that night because he knew every other guest by heart. But he didn’t recognize any of these eerie, uncanny figures.
“Ahem, I need your name,” he sternly demanded, covering his concerned eyes with his shades.
“Black Spider of the Black Web,” the front member spoke in an eerily calm tone.
Greaser read Demencia’s guest list for the first time that night. “Uh, yeah, no Black Spider here. Get off Black Hat’s property before I kick your asses off his lawn myself!”
“There’s really no need,” Black Spider said, condescendingly calm at this point and still not moving a visible muscle. “We’re here on Lord Black Hat’s behalf.”
“Ohhh, I get it, you’re one of his weird fan clubs,” Greaser groaned, shutting his eyes. He was so looking forward to drinking fishbowl margaritas with Ghoul that night. “I’ll go ask Black Hat if he-”
When Greaser opened his eyes back up, they were gone without a trace. If it weren’t for the party that night, he would have grabbed one of his rifles and did a little spider hunting. That was the proper thing to do with trespassers: take them out like easy game and present the carnage to Black Hat.
But on party nights, Greaser didn’t bother doing actual work. After all, he had fishbowl margaritas waiting for him.
“Oh, fuck this!” Greaser said to himself as he dropped the guest list and darted inside.
Meanwhile further inside of the mansion, Demencia leapt out of the fighting ring, shook her sweat off like a dog, and threw her dragon winged neon maternity dress back over her MMA two piece. Her eyes lit up at the sight of another female guest. She tackled Penumbra in an affectionate bear hug.
"Omigosh, welcome!!" Demencia affectionately rubbed her knuckles into Penumbra's skull.
"Ow- Hi! First of all, I'm so sorry I couldn't get a gift in time! This was so sudden, I-I didn't even know you were expecting!"
"It's okay!" Demencia laughed. "Neither did I until two days ago!"
"Two days ago?!" Penumbra glanced down at Demencia's well defined bump. "...how far along are you?"
"Three days!”
“HUH?!”
“Yep! That’s got to be a new record, but I expect nothing less from Black Hat’s heir.” Demencia’s fanged smile radiated pride.
Concern struck Penumbra like a lead bullet, but she tried to give Demencia a congratulatory smile. The authenticity of her expression was killed by her pinpoint pupils and the sweat beating down her face. Luckily, Demencia was so lost in her own fantasy that if she noticed, she definitely didn’t care.
“Well, um,” Penumbra choked. “Congratulations! You’re, um, positively glowing!”
“Yeah, like uranium,” Sunblast commented from his bag pocket.
“Aw, thank you!” Demencia beamed.
One room away, Black Hat loomed in the corner. His unblinking eye was fixated on the violent clash between two familiar villains in the makeshift fight pit, but his mind was stuck on the frustration with this situation. Bitter smoke emitted from his ashy skin. He didn’t want this party, but he especially didn’t want this baby. No ounce of him wanted to be near this situation.
At the very least, he was glad this new fight was actually entertaining; the last ten matches all played out the exact same with Demencia disfiguring her opponent and said opponent being too cowardly to lay a finger on a pregnant woman. Not even the dynamic freshly engaged duo Illuminarow and Mawrasite dared to so much as scratch her.
“Hahaha, oh Black Hat you look terrible!” Dark Phantom mused as he leaned against Black Hat, a spiked drink firmly in his hand.
Black Hat shattered the glass with a HISSSSSSSSSSS. Dark Phantom flinched. Shards of glass narrowly missed his pale skin. The red punch inside sprayed across the room, staining everyone in a short radius except Black Hat himself.
“H-hey, I was just making a joke!” Dark Phantom laughed nervously. “No need to get worked up about it!”
Ghoul and Greaser cringed at Dark Phantom’s awkward response like second nature. They desperately charaded to him from the corner of his eyes to stop while he was ahead, but Dark Phantom didn’t even pay them a mere glance.
“THAT’S IT!” Black Hat banged his cane against the ground, sending a quake that launched the ongoing fight’s contestants out of the pit. “GET IN.”
Every conversation in the room came to an abrupt halt. All eyes were on Black Hat, tensley awaiting his next move. Dark Phantom could only let out a frightened squeak as he crumbled to the floor beneath Black Hat’s shoes.
Nobody else dared to speak…nobody except Admin of all guests. She flew over, desperately nestling Bunsen into her chest. She looked a particularly exhausted variety of terrible with dark circles and heavy bags staining her eyes. “Sir, please…no more. I’m being worked to the bone already here with Demencia and my son, I-I don’t have enough energy to fix the damage you’d cause and fulfill the rest of those fairy dust orders.”
“I have a wickedly easy solution for you, fairy.” Black Hat grinned maniacally. “JUST DON’T FIX HIM!”
The crowd cheered Black Hat on. Ghoul and Greaser dropped to their knees and prayed for Dark Phantom’s fate.
“Or…you could go check on Flug,” Admin suggested. “For everyone’s sake, I hope his research is done by now.”
Tension suffocated the still party surrounding them. Black Hat took two heavy steps towards Admin, his footsteps amplified by the eerie silence gripping everyone’s attention. The only other being in that room that moved was little Bunsen; he squirmed desperately against Admin’s chest, desperate for some nourishment after hours of her nonstop work. Her heart skipped a beat. She desperately rocked and shushed Bunsen back into silence under the threat of her boss’ shadow. Black Hat heaved a breath, then another, then struck the ground with his cane again.
“Fine,” he huffed. “That pathetic excuse of a Dark Phantom would just be a waste of time anyway.”
A cloud of smoke erupted from the floor and enveloped Black Hat, leaving behind nothing but spiteful ashes on the floor in its wake. The conversations around them continued, but the fight pit remained empty for the time being. Admin breathed a sigh of relief. She finally took the opportunity to bless little Bunsen with the comfort of her milk. She closed her eyes, savoring her one moment of peace.
“Admin Flugslys, we would like a word with you,” a calm voice suddenly stated.
Admin’s eyes flew open. There were five unfamiliar guests standing before her in perfect triangle formation, all still wearing their masks that covered any resemblance of a human face. She moved Bunsen protectively against her shoulder and swiftly covered herself back up.
"Who the hell are you and what do you want?!" she asked, clearly annoyed.
“I am Black Spider of the Black Web, I speak on behalf of the great Black Widow and our organization," Black Spider explained. “We were simply curious regarding the sudden appearance of infants in this organization.”
“I don’t have time for this,” she groaned. Admin tried to step away, but three of the Black Web members suddenly stood in her way, almost as if they moved in the blink of an eye. “Who let you in here?!”
“We are a very determined organization, Admin. We do not leave until we have answers.” Black Spider stepped uncomfortably close. “Why does Demencia claim to carry Black Hat’s spawn?”
“Because she always does that?! She lives in a fantasy world, everyone knows this!”
“Interesting. Would the birth of your son have something to do with this?” Black Spider reached over and touched the blanket swaddling Bunsen. Bunsen scrunched up and looked like he was on the verge of tears from the strange approach.
Admin pulled away and accidentally knocked into one of the Black Web members with her wings. “I don’t know, probably! But I swear if you lay a hand on him again-”
“Interesting. That’s very, very interesting. The fae has a child and Lord Black Hat supposedly has a fetus. We know your fairy dust has potent magic. It wouldn’t happen to be infecting Lord Black Hat, would it?”
“Infect him?! God no, he’s allergic to the stuff! He only lets me generate it because villains pay anything for even a speck of genuine fairy dust.”
“Interesting, interesting.”
Black Spider reached for Bunsen again. Admin flapped her wings and shot herself upwards to avoid his hand. She flew as close as she could to the doorway and darted out. She accidentally bumped right into 505, causing his towering green cake to fall onto him.
“BAO!”
“Ah, sorry!” Admin rubbed her hands together and cast a fixing spell onto the cake, causing it to magically put itself back together in a slightly lopsided fashion. “There you go!”
505 smiled and carried on with the cake. Admin continued rushing through the entrance hall, sweat drenching her forehead. Demencia suddenly stood in her way.
“What’s the rush? We still have 5 minutes before we play ‘pin the wings on the baby!’” Demencia merrily said.
“Pin the wings on the baby?” Admin questioned.
“Well if it’s Black Hat’s baby, it’s got to have wings, right?” Demencia flicked the fabric dragon wings on the back of her dress.
“...Right, I just need to get to the-”
“If you’re looking for your nerd, he’s been looking for you!” Demencia pointed to a doorway near the back of the hall where Flug seemed to be asking around.
Admin warmly welcomed the surprise. She flew over to Flug, put Bunsen in his arms, and threw her arms around him. She kissed his paper bag and snuggled into him.
Flug smiled with his eyes. “Wait until you hear this, chiquitita! I just made the most amazing discovery!”
Admin looked up and saw Black Hat smiling with his eyes closed as he walked past them, not even caring about the affection on display for once.
-
A formal dinner wasn’t originally on the baby shower’s menu, but following Flug’s discovery, hat bots were suddenly put to work chopping and cooking up all sorts of delicacies. 505’s sloppily repaired cake suddenly looked out of place in the center of delicious dishes and gourmet horrors alike. The dining table was magically stretched out to accommodate each and every guest at the shower. In the center of one end of the table, Demencia happily bit into a chocolate dipped, beating heart.
“THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE TREATS, MI AMOR!” she yelled with her mouth half full.
From the complete opposite end of the table fifty feet away, Black Hat smirked and nodded.
In the complete center of both of them, Flug stood up and clanked his glass. “Attention, everyone! I have an important announcement!”
The ambiance of chatter died down as all eyes turned to Dr. Flug. Demencia excitedly leaned in to listen more clearly.
“As you all have picked up by now, the nature of Demencia’s pregnancy has been very…peculiar. Well, after much testing and analysis, I finally found the answers to all of our questions!”
The guests gave Flug a short applause.
“I’ll start with something we were all wondering from the start! Black Hat…is NOT the father!”
The guests all gasped. Demencia spat out her drink and leapt onto the table.
“IMPOSSIBLE!” she declared, leaping again to grip Flug by the edges of his lab coat. “BLACK HAT MUST BE THE FATHER, I’D NEVER-”
“WAIT WAIT, I WAS ABOUT TO EXPLAIN!” Flug yelped as Demencia only lifted him higher in her grasp. “BLACK HAT ISN’T THE FATHER BECAUSE THERE IS NO FATHER!”
Another gasp came from the crowd. Demencia’s eyes went wide. Her fingers loosened, unintentionally dropping Flug onto the floor. “There…what?” she turned to Black Hat.
“It’s the truth, Demencia,” he said, grinning.
After Admin dusted off Flug's soreness, 505 gently placed him back onto the table.
"You see," he continued, "Demencia's pregnancy is a result of parthenogenesis!"
"Partheno-huh?" Greaser questioned.
"You would know if you stuck around for the shark explanation!" Admin called out.
“That’s right!” Flug said. “For those of you who don’t know, parthenogenesis is a biological process where an unfertilized egg develops into a genetic clone of the mother.”
Demencia cocked her head at Flug. “So my baby is a mini me?”
“That’s exactly right! The baby will look exactly like you, mutations and all! Speaking of, while normal humans don’t experience parthenogenesis, animals like sharks, birds, and LIZARDS have all been documented going through the process, usually in the absence of a male to breed with. Demencia just so happened to have traces of New Mexico whiptail lizard in her mutation cocktail, enabling her to go through the process herself!”
Demencia looked at herself again, a smile sparked by wonder growing across her face. “Oh my gosh, that’s…SO COOL!” Demencia grabbed the nearest pitcher of some dubious fluid and raised it high. “I MADE A BABY ON MY OWN!”
The guests cheered and raised their own glasses. Even Black Hat joined in the cheer, satisfied that this spawn was confirmed not to be his.
“Oh yeah,” Flug added, “and this also means we know the baby’s sex. It’ll be female, just like Demencia!”
“YEAH, IT’S A GIRL!” Demencia raised the glass again and chugged whatever horror was inside.
The guests cheered and followed along, everyone…except Black Spider and his accompanying five Black Web members from Black Hat’s side of the table. He pressed something on the side of his mask and spoke lowly under the loud chatter: “Black Widow, this is Black Spider. A very, very interesting development has presented itself.”
-
The following morning, Black Hat entertained himself with his usual morning paper. Lil Jack coiled himself up in his lap, gently brushing his cold snoot against Black Hat’s coat.
However, his reading kept getting interrupted by the sound of hurried footsteps outside. Flug was yelling something, but he couldn’t quite make it out through the towering walls. He tried to block it out, desperate to enjoy that day’s disturbing headlines and accounts of recent crimes in peace, but the distant panic only grew more intriguing. He glanced at the door, but pulled himself back to his paper.
Flug suddenly burst through the door, hands filled with towels. “Jefecito!”
Black Hat threw his paper down to his lap. Lil Jack took the opportunity to start coiling himself onto it. “WHAT IS GOING ON?” Black Hat asked.
“It’s Demencia!” Flug announced. “SHE’S IN LABOR!”