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Eddie had his son back, finally.
He had spent months in a constant state of limbo, absolutely devastated about not seeing Chris every day, but also not wanting to overstep and push the boy further away; it was miserable.
So he should’ve felt complete when the missing piece in his life was back, his son was living with him again. The reason that he had moved back to miserable El Paso and started talking to his parents again, the sun in the center of his solar system, was back.
Why did Eddie still feel so empty?
At first, he had just assumed it to be resentment towards Texas, he had too many bad memories in his home state to ever feel truly comfortable there.
But then, he had settled into a routine. Five days a week, he drove Ubers and made decent money, enough to fix up the house into something he wasn’t totally ashamed of. He had made a couple of friends, other parents he’d met in the pickup line at Chris’ school who were enamoured with Eddie’s heroic stories of working as a firefighter in LA. He’d even started cooking, like, for real. Chris would send him recipes that he found online, mostly TikTok trends, and then Buck would FaceTime Eddie and guide him through it, sometimes making his own version of the dish on the other end of the call.
It brought Eddie comfort to know that he was eating the same dinner as his best friend, though that may sound a bit strange. The act made him feel like nothing had changed, like he was back in his old house, watching TV with his son and best friend again after a long shift. Now that he thought about it, the nights that they cooked and ate dinner together over the phone were some of his happiest memories he’d had in El Paso so far, second only to the day Chris agreed to move back in with him.
Needless to say, Eddie could no longer blame the everpresent pit of despair in his stomach on Texas, he had a good life, nothing to complain about really… He just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.
It didn’t hit him until he was out with his friends from Chris’ school on a Friday night, four months into his time in El Paso. The only other dad in the group, Jonathan, had picked the spot that night, a bar downtown called the Tool Box. Apparently it was a gay bar, and a local drag queen was performing at 10, which all of the housewives in their little friend group had gone absolutely wild for. Eddie wasn’t quite sure how to feel, he wasn’t uncomfortable with it, necessarily, he was an ally! He just felt a bit out of place as the only straight man in the group, thought it might end up being awkward, what if someone got the wrong idea? Also, he had only been to one other drag show in his life, for Hen’s birthday a few years back, and that was a brunch, totally different than a gay bar! This night had the potential to be a whole new experience, and Eddie was nervous.
Despite his reservations, he was ready by the door at 9:30 in his best attempt at a going out outfit, a white shirt and blue jeans, paired with his old cowboy boots Chris had insisted on taking back from Eddie’s parents house. He had put Chris to bed, after triple checking that his son was okay with his father going out and leaving him alone for a couple of hours. The kid was fourteen, surely old enough to stay home alone, but Eddie was weary anyways. Chris was still a baby to him, and he wasn’t ready to accept the fact that his son was getting older.
Eddie watched as a white minivan pulled up into his driveway, one of the moms in their group, Leslie, didn’t drink, and was the de facto designated driver for their nights out. Eddie would feel bad for always expecting her to drive, but their outings were few and far between, and she claimed to not mind. Plus, her van was the perfect size for all seven of them!
He checked his hair in the mirror one more time before taking a deep breath and heading out the door. As Eddie approached the car it became obvious that he was Leslie’s first stop, so he opened the front passenger and slid in, the cool mint smell of her air fresheners and the low hum of the radio welcoming him.
“Hey Leslie, thanks again for driving!” Eddie said as he fastened his seatbelt.
“Of course, are you ready for the best night out you’ve ever had?!” The woman responded with an enthusiastic smile.
“Not too sure about that second part, but yeah, I’m ready.” He laughed as Leslie pulled out of his driveway.
“Oh right, I forgot you’re from LA, a drag night is nothing special, huh?” She replies.
“Well- I’ve been to one drag brunch before, but I didn’t mean it like that. Actually, I was a bit nervous, not really my crowd, you know?” Eddie stammers, not wanting to accidentally offend her.
“Mr. LA doesn’t do drag shows? Me and Marsha literally schedule our trips home based on who’s performing at our favorite bars, you and your partner never go to any together? ” Ah yes, Eddie remembers; Leslie is the only lesbian in the group, married to her wife Marsha for 12 years, has family in Los Angeles, visits every once and a while, and claims to remember Eddie helping her cat down from a tree during one of those visits.
Why does she assume that he would go to a drag show with Buck, though? He had only mentioned his best friend a couple of times to his new friends, and nothing too descriptive… He had told them that they were partners at the 118, and that he’d been helping Eddie out with Chris for the past 7 years or so, and about how hard it had been to leave behind his found family in California, but that it was the right decision to be with his son again. And of course his new friends had asked about his lockscreen, a photobooth strip from the LA Zoo when Chris was only 8 years old, his tiny face squished between Eddie and Buck’s, all three of them smiling widely, it was one of Eddie’s favorite photos ever.
Clearly, not quite enough information to assume that Eddie and his best friend went to drag shows together, right? Eddie was immediately on the defense, something about picturing himself under neon flashing lights, dancing next to his best friend in a packed club while a drag queen lip synced on stage made him feel uncomfortable for some reason. Or, not uncomfortable necessarily, just… tense, maybe? Yeah, tense.
Why, though? It’s not like there would be anything weird about him and Buck going to a drag show together, he’d gone to one with Hen and Karen, and that wasn’t weird… Something felt different about the way Leslie had said it though, bringing up Eddie and Buck in the same sentence as her and her wife, it was almost an implication of something Eddie wasn’t ready to think about. Or was it, was he overthinking? Was it weird that he wouldn’t go to a drag show with Buck? Was he being homophobic? He would go if Buck asked, probably. He’d do anything Buck asked him to do. Is that weird? Is it offensive for a straight guy to not want to go to a drag show? He doesn’t want to be offensive, he–
“Eddie? You good? I’m sorry if I offended you, I was just surprised, I shouldn’t have assumed.” God, how long had he been silent for that she felt the need to apologize?
“Shoot Leslie, you’re all good, I’m totally not offended, just zoned out for a second, sorry. But yeah, me and Buck haven’t been to any shows together, it’s not really his scene either, or, maybe it is now? It’s been a couple months since we’ve seen each other.” Eddie said apologetically, the air in the car suddenly feeling stuffy.
“I guess I shouldn’t have assumed, not every gay guy in LA likes drag I guess,” Leslie laughed, before continuing, “We mostly go to shows for the queer community aspect, but I guess that isn’t as hard to find in Los Angeles. Hopefully you’ll still have fun tonight though, Miss Honey is an incredible performer, she’ll take your mind off of the long distance.” She smiles over at Eddie briefly before returning her eyes to the road.
Eddie starts to reply before fully realizing what his new friend had just said, “Yeah, the community in LA is great, but we mostly just hung out at firefighter bars and– Wait, every gay guy in LA? Leslie, I’m not gay.” Eddie says, actively fighting his own brain from spiraling. Why would she think Eddie was gay???
“Oh, sorry! Are you bi or something, again with my assumptions, jeez.” Leslie replies, pinching the bridge of her nose and looking down ashamedly.
Eddie had never been more confused in his life. What could he have possibly done to make Leslie think that he was gay? He was the straightest guy he knew! He worked out, he watched football, he… dated women! Well, Buck did all of those things too, and wasn’t straight, but it was different for Eddie, he had never even considered otherwise.
Okay fine, not never, the thought had crossed his mind before of course, natural curiosity and whatnot. And of course he checks out a hot guy’s ass every now and then, but that’s normal! Not that being gay isn’t normal, he would never judge someone for their sexuality, Eddie’s an ally! But that’s it, an ally.
He had been quiet for too long again, shit.
“Uhm,” He coughs out, painfully aware of the pink heat rising to his cheeks, “Leslie, I honestly have no idea where you got the idea that I was gay from, and I don’t take offense, but… I’m straight.”
Why does she look so shocked?
“Oh! So you and Buck aren’t…”
“What?!” Eddie turns to her, flustered.
“I mean, you guys have a son together, and you call him your partner, god, I have got to stop assuming, I’m so sorry, I–”
Before Eddie can reply, the back car door flies open, and Jonathan slides in. When had they even arrived at his house? Eddie must’ve been too caught up in his own thoughts to notice.
“Who’s ready to dance?” The other man sings as he buckles himself in, cutting the awkward tension in the car.
“We are not done with this conversation, by the way.” Leslie whispers at Eddie before answering Jonathan with an excited “Meeeeee!!”
“I’m ready too, let’s get this show on the road, huh?” Eddie smiles, clapping his hands together and ignoring Leslie’s comment.
-
They pick everyone else up, and Eddie mostly stays quiet, his earlier conversation with Leslie on repeat in his mind. He’s typically the least talkative in the group, so no one seems to notice him staring out the window silently as they drive to the bar. Well, no one but Leslie, she keeps shooting him little glances, and he doesn’t appreciate the implication that there is more to talk about regarding his sexuality and his relationship with Buck. He is straight, and Buck is his best friend. Simple as that.
So why can’t he stop thinking about it? Do all of his El Paso friends think that he and Buck are a couple? Have they talked about it behind his back? Is that the only reason they wanted to hang out with him? Why did his chest feel like it was full of butterflies?
Jesus Christ, Eddie Diaz needed a drink.
They arrived at the bar right before the show began, and Eddie immediately made a beeline for the bar, getting as far away from Leslie as possible. The place was packed, and he felt bad for pushing through the crowd, but he needed to ease his mind, loosen up.
“Hey hottie, what can I get for you?” The bartender asks with a wink, he’s a tall, slender, good looking guy in a mesh tank top. Good looking? What?
“Beer man, whatever’s good.” Eddie replies, pushing his thoughts aside and glancing around the bar. It’s mostly guys, obviously, but there’s a good amount of women too, drag nights probably attract many groups similar to the one that he arrived with.
The bartender slides a bottle across the counter and Eddie hands over his card, opening a tab. This surely wouldn’t be his last drink of the night.
He locates his friends in the crowd and makes his way over, they’ve secured a table somewhat close to the stage. Eddie’s almost to them when a man approaches him,
“Hey there, I’m Andre, and you are?” The man smiles at him, it’s a good smile, very white teeth. Why is Eddie noticing this stranger's teeth?
“Edmundo, but my friends call me Eddie.” He blurts out, not quite sure why he introduced himself as his full name, literally no one called him that but his father.
“Well, Edmundo. Me and a couple friends have a table over there,” Andre says, gesturing to the corner, “And I would love it if you joined us.”
“Ah, thanks man, but I’m with a group of my own.” Eddie smiles curtly, nodding to his friends. “Plus, the show’s about to start.” He says, pulling up his phone to show Andre the time, 9:58.
The other man’s eyes linger on Eddie’s screen for a few too many seconds, and the smile drops from his face. “Okay man, you could’ve just said you were in a relationship, you didn’t have to blame it on Miss Honey.” He says, turning on his heel and walking off before Eddie can reply.
What was going on?
Eddie looks at his lockscreen, noticing the picture of Buck and Chris, was that what Andre was referencing? Why was everyone assuming he and Buck were a couple all of the sudden?
Eddie turns around and heads back to the bar, he can not spend the entire night overthinking this.
“Tequila. Double. Under Diaz… Please.” He says to the tall bartender, who must sense his urgency, and hands it over right away.
Finally making his way to his friends, Eddie looks up at the stage, where a figure is emerging from a pink, coffin shaped box. The music kicks in right as she steps out, Cannibal by Kesha. The drag queen, Miss Honey, is dressed like a sexy vampire, she reminds him of Elvira with her big black wig and long flowy dress. As the song continues, she brings out back up dancers, two hunky shirtless guys. Kesha sings I eat boys up, breakfast and lunch and Miss Honey rips into what must be a prosthetic chest on one of the guys and grabs a fake heart, taking a giant bite, and spraying fake blood all over herself and the front row. The audience goes absolutely wild with applause, and countless dollar bills make their way up to the performer’s outstretched hand.
Eddie reaches into his wallet, the lowest bill he has is a 20, but Miss Honey deserves it, the show is incredible so far, not that he has anything to compare it to. Tequila clouding his brain, Eddie takes a few steps towards the stage and hands her his money, Miss Honey makes an over the top surprised face and blows him a kiss, eliciting another cheer from the crowd.
Cheeks flushed, Eddie makes his way back to his table of friends. Leslie is still eyeing him up, but everyone else just seems to be captivated by the performers.
“Okay Mr. Moneybags, got anything in that wallet for me?” One of the moms giggles, clearly already drunk. Eddie laughs her off and settles back into his spot near the wall, returning his eyes to the stage.
Leslie saunters up to him in between songs, “So, ready to continue our conversation from earlier?”
Eddie is confused, “Leslie, look. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just genuinely confused. Buck and I are just friends, and I’m straight. I don’t know why everyone thinks we’re a couple all of the sudden.”
Leslie smiles, her face softening. A look of pity crosses her eyes, which Eddie hates.
“Eddie, I really don’t mean to overstep, but from my perspective, you and Buck have something special. He’s a part of all of the stories you tell about LA, y'all practically coparent Chris, you call him all the time, I mean… Maybe you are just friends, but it’s not crazy for people to assume that you’re something more than that, okay? I mean, you’ve got a picture of him as your lock screen, what message did you think that was sending?”
That's when it hit him. Or, kind of hit him.
Eddie didn’t agree with what she was saying, necessarily, but he could see where she was coming from. Maybe he did talk about Buck more than he realized, and maybe it was a little out of the ordinary for a 30 year old man to have a photo of his best friend as his lock screen…
Whatever, he still stood by the fact that they were just friends, and that he was straight. He just didn’t have anything to defend himself with, so he shrugged at Leslie, which might’ve been a little rude, but he felt the buzz from his drinks, and just wanted to enjoy himself.
Miss Honey’s second song was beginning, and despite Leslie’s bewildered stare, he turned his attention to the performer as she lip synced to A Total Eclipse of the Heart. He let himself relax, for the first time in a while, and the music took him over.
During a brief intermission in the show, Eddie made his way to the bar for a third time that night, ordering another double shot of tequila, this time sitting down on one of the stools for a moment to enjoy his drink. He opened his phone to a text from Buck,
How’s the night going?
He had told Buck about his plans for the night, and of course his best friend was checking in, they always did. For some reason, though, Eddie didn’t feel up to answering. He put his phone back into his pocket and looked up, locking eyes with a man sitting a few seats away from him.
“Hey,” The stranger said, he had curly light brown hair and was wearing a black henley that emphasized his muscles. Eddie’s cheeks turned red against his will as he held out his hand to the man.
“Hey man, Eddie, nice to meet you.” he said, shaking the stranger’s hand.
“Ethan, nice to meet you too, Eddie.” Ethan, nice name. Nice eyes, blue.
Eddie wasn’t sure what to ask next, this was a new experience for him, and he wasn’t really sure what he was doing, or why he was doing it.
Luckily, Ethan spoke first, “So, Eddie, what do you do for work?” His eyelids were low, searching Eddie’s face for something.
“Well, I just moved back to El Paso from Los Angeles, where I’d been a firefighter for about eight years, but I’m driving Ubers for now while I find something more permanent.” Eddie said, usually he was ashamed to tell people about his work, but he was feeling strangely open.
“Firefighter from LA? Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cuter.” Ethan laughed,
This is when Eddie should probably shut things down, inform Ethan that he was straight and not interested, but, despite his better judgement, he keeps going.
“Where do you work, then?” Eddie asks, taking a sip of the beer that had somehow ended up in his hand.
“I’m a vet, I work at the Humane Society a few blocks away, just got off actually. I’m bummed to have missed Honey’s first song, how was it?”
“A vet, wow! That’s incredible, man, and the first song was insane! She did Cannibal by Kesha and ripped one of her backup dancer’s heart out and ate it, truly amazing.” Eddie responded, feeling hot in the face.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe I didn’t get to see that.” Ethan says, laughing. They’re both laughing a lot, is that how these things go?
“I’m sure the next set will be just as good, this is my first time seeing her, but Miss Honey is showstopping, I think I’ve unlocked a new obsession!” Eddie confesses.
“Welcome to the club, Eddie.” Ethan says with a smile, “Welcome to the club.”
They both laugh, and continue chatting for a while, ignoring the drag queen they both claimed to be obsessed with as she returns to the stage.
“Hey, would you want to step outside with me for a minute? It’s pretty loud in here and I think I need some air.” Ethan eventually asks, and Eddie obliges, closing out his tab quickly.
The two men walk outside together, and even though it’s definitely at least 70 degrees out still, the air feels cool in comparison to the sweaty bar.
“Do you smoke?” Ethan asks, bringing a cigarette to his mouth,
Eddie doesn’t smoke, and hasn’t since highschool. Infact, it's usually a major turn-off for him, he thinks it’s stupid that people risk their lives for such a pointless vice, at least alcohol makes you drunk, cigarettes just make you smell bad.
Despite his better judgment, Eddie says yes, and the two pass the cigarette back and forth as they walk to the side of the building, exchanging a few words and jokes.
The cigarette burns down to a butt, and Ethan puts it out on the brick wall behind them, turning to Eddie with eager eyes.
“So…” Ethan steps closer.
“So…” Eddie repeats, shrinking the space between them.
Then it happens, Eddie can’t say that he wasn’t expecting the kiss. He was flirting with the guy all night, but for whatever reason, it still catches him off guard.
It’s not a bad kiss, Eddie’s never kissed a man before, because he’s straight. Okay, whatever, maybe he isn’t, he doesn’t know. It had been a night full of new experiences, and he was allowing himself to just go with the flow for once, wherever that led him.
Ethan pushes him up against the wall, deepening the kiss, Eddie moves his hands up into the other man’s hair, and feels Ethan’s hands on his waist. It was strange, being in this position, with his previous girlfriends, he was always the one pushing them up against walls, always the one initiating. It didn’t feel bad though, just different.
“You’re so hot.” Ethan whispers in Eddie’s ear, kissing down his jaw and neck, hands creeping up his back underneath the fabric of his shirt.
Suddenly, Eddie feels his phone buzzing in his pocket, the only people that can reach him after his phone goes on Do Not Disturb at 11 are Chris and Buck, so he knows it must be urgent.
“Sorry, I uh– gotta take this.” he says, pulling away from Ethan, who looks annoyed.
“Seriously?” The other man rolls his eyes, stepping away from Eddie.
“Yeah, it’s my son, I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.” Eddie mutters, although he can already see that it’s Buck’s contact photo on his phone, not Chris’.
He walks back to the front of the building for some privacy, answering the call quickly.
“Hey Buck, what’s up man?”
“Eddie, hey! Well, I was just checking in cause you didn’t answer my text earlier and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Were you in the middle of something? I’m sorry, I just kept thinking like, what if something bad happens and I didn’t check in, you know?” Eddie admires his best friend’s rambling, of course Buck needed to check in, he was always so anxious for no reason.
“Buck, Buck, chill. I’m good, the night’s been really good so far, I’m enjoying myself, really. I didn’t see your text man, it’s pretty loud in the bar so I didn’t hear the notification lie. I’m sorry.”
“It’s totally okay, Eddie, I really didn’t need to call, you know how I get sometimes it’s just–”
Eddie cut him off, “Stop, Buck. I don’t mind. Never feel bad about calling me, for real. I’m always happy to hear your voice.” He’s not sure where that comes from, it’s not a lie though.
“Oh.” Silence on the other line, and then, “Well, I better let you go, let you get back to your night out.”
“Buck, wait, I’m actually just about to leave, stay on the line for my ride home?” Eddie opens the Uber app and calls the nearest driver, shooting off a quick text to Leslie that he wasn’t feeling too good and was calling a ride home. She replies with a thumbs up, and he returns his attention to his best friend on the phone.
“Sure, if that’s what you want. Wanna hear about the crazy call we had today? This guy got his hand stuck in a jar of peanut butter and we had to saw it off, it was so stuck!” Buck laughs on the other line.
Eddie smiles as his friend continues, and when he gets the notification that his Uber has arrived, he doesn’t even remember to go tell Ethan that he’s leaving. Oh well, no visits to the downtown Humane Society anytime soon, not that he was planning on it.
Eddie feels warm and fuzzy the whole ride home, zoning out to Buck’s voice on the other line, letting his best friend ramble about the drama back home, and his latest Google rabbit holes. He’d enjoyed his night out, it was full of ups and downs, revelations, he’d kissed a man for god’s sake! But the highlight of his night is still his phone call with Buck. Their time spent together, though not in person, as much as he wishes that was a possibility, is the time that he feels the most himself. He doesn’t have to explain to anyone why he’s back in El Paso, or which foods he doesn’t like, or why he wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, because Buck knows. He knows everything about Eddie, well, not everything he supposes, something very major just happened that Buck doesn’t know about, and Eddie doesn’t feel like sharing, for whatever reason. It feels good to be known so well, to know that Buck would never leave, the two of them had been through hell and back together, his best friend had seen him at his worst, and still stayed.
Eddie arrives at his house, waiting on the steps to end the call so that he doesn’t wake up Chris. Buck is finishing up a rant about invasive zebra mussels in the Great Lakes, sending Eddie a petition to sign. He smiles at the link, he’ll fill it out tomorrow, he doesn't remember his password.
“Buck, I’m home now and I don’t want to bother Chris, so I gotta go, But I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Oh my god totally, don’t want to wake the sleeping bear. I’ll let you go now, and yeah call me tomorrow, I have the day off so any time works.” Eddie already knew that though, he had a copy of Buck’s Google Calendar on his phone so that they could coordinate their FaceTimes around his friend’s shifts.
“Talk to you later Buck, Bye!”
“Bye Eddie, talk to you later!”
Eddie hangs up, and steps inside. He heads right for his room, and flops into bed, not even bothering to change into pajamas. The events of the night are only just now starting to set in. Jesus Christ Eddie had been to his first drag show, loved it, been accused of being in a relationship with his best friend, and then kissed a man… KISSED a MAN.
His time with Ethan wasn’t bad, but he feels grossed out by it. He knows he wouldn’t have been so forward if he wasn’t so drunk, and he doesn’t regret it, so to speak, just feels guilty, regardless of how much he enjoyed it.
Buck keeps coming to his mind, not on purpose, he’s just kind of always there, Eddie thinks. The thoughts of his kiss with Ethan and his phone call with Buck keep tangling together and it makes Eddie’s head hurt. Maybe that’s just the tequila.
If it hadn’t hit him earlier, it definitely hits him now. The empty hole in his heart is his best friend, the unshakable loneliness, the repressed feelings, it all hits him like a train.
God. Eddie Diaz is absolutely head over heels in love with Evan Buckley.