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Tabito knew he was average. There was nothing special about him. He’d already come to accept that fact. But just because he was average didn’t mean that other people needed to know he was.
When he first arrived at Blue Lock, he felt even more mediocre. Seeing all those people made him feel small and insignificant. There was no way he was even half as good as any of them. Tabito acted confident, but the whole time, he was just worried about getting eliminated.
“You got this far, Tabito. Ya can’t stop now.”
Tabito sighed as he thought to himself on the first night. He got to meet everyone, but to him, there was one guy that stood out the most. Otoya Eita.
Initially, Tabito thought his fascination with the other boy stemmed from sense envy. It would make sense if Tabito was envious of Otoya. Otoya was such a carefree guy, and he still got everything he wanted. He was well-liked by everyone without even having to do anything. Otoya was the complete opposite of Tabito.
Despite this, they got along unexpectedly well— both on and off the field. Tabito didn’t need to keep a mask around him, that’s just how close they had gotten in that short amount of time. Tabito just thought he wanted to be like Otoya, until one fateful night.
Otoya and Tabito had just finished practicing together, even after most of their teammates had gone to sleep hours ago. As Otoya laid down on the cool artificial grass, Tabito was awkwardly standing next to him, not wanting to stare Otoya down. Otoya suddenly spoke up, stopping Tabito from spiraling into his own thoughts.
“I think you’re my only friend here, dumbass.”
Tabito froze for a second. He had just felt his heart skip a beat. This wasn’t normal… this wasn’t right. He was supposed to be envious of Otoya, not fond of him. Tabito could feel a pit forming in his stomach. He wasn’t jealous of Otoya… he LIKED Otoya, and not just as a friend. He realized why his emotions about Otoya felt a bit different than with his other friends… because Tabito LIKED Otoya Eita. But average boys don’t like other boys.
Tabito shook his head, before trying to respond as calmly as possible, a smirk painting his face. His heart beat quickly as he spoke, praying his voice wouldn’t betray his true feelings.
“I think ‘yer my best friend here, ya prick.”
Tabito calmed down as he saw the soft smile on Otoya’s face. When they were sleeping later at night, Tabito couldn’t fall asleep. How could he? Otoya was right there next to him, so close that Tabito could feel his friend’s breath on his neck.
That wasn’t the only thing bothering him. It was his feelings for Otoya. Tabito wasn’t new to crushes, and he had his plenty share of them in the past, but this was different. This was new.
All the people he liked before were girls. He had never had feelings for a guy before. But he had found other guys handsome before.
Tabito thought back to a childhood memory of his, where he was watching a movie with his older sister. It was part where the heroine and her lover were to share a true love’s kiss. His sister squealed in joy as the kiss happened.
“I wish I coulda’ kissed that guy!”
Little Tabito agreed. He smiled widely, his smile missing a tooth.
“I wanna kiss him too!”
His sister looked grossed out when Tabito said that.
“Are ya stupid, Tabito? You can’t kiss him, you’re a boy!”
Tabito frowned, not understanding why.
“That’s not fair! I wanna!”
His mother stepped in, holding Tabito’s shoulder.
“Honey, that’s not possible. You’re a boy. You can’t kiss other boys.”
Tabito still couldn’t process the reason as to why in his little brain.
“Why not?”
His mother furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips, trying to find the best way to explain this to a stubborn five-year-old.
“Well, boys and girls can fall in love and get married. Boys are not supposed to fall in love with other boys. It’s not normal. You don’t want to be a weirdo, right?”
Young Tabito nodded. He wanted to be normal, like everyone else.
That sentence was ringing in his head, making Tabito’s headache even worse.
“It’s not normal.”
“It’s not normal.”
“It’s not normal.”
Tabito wanted to scream as the words rang continuously. He knew it was wrong. He knew it wasn’t normal. Most people didn’t feel like this towards their friends.
Tabito tried rationalizing to himself. He didn’t like Otoya, he just thought he was a good friend! But he didn’t get jealous when others got too
This whole time, he had thought of himself as a mediocre guy. But in Blue Lock, for the first time, he felt like he could be a bit more than just an average person. This wasn’t what he wanted.
Tabito felt nauseous. It was wrong to like Otoya, especially when he was right there, sleeping and unaware of Tabito’s feelings.
It was even worse because Tabito knew Otoya wasn’t into guys. He usually zoned out whenever Otoya talked about the various girls he had hooked up with (Now Tabito knew WHY he chose to zone out). Otoya would probably feel disgusted if he knew Tabito’s real thoughts. Tabito didn’t want Otoya to leave him. He just shut his eyes, hoping that this was all a nasty dream that would eventually disappear.
Over the next few weeks, Tabito was pretty good at concealing his feelings. He acted the same exact way with Otoya as he always did, but he made sure not to cross any boundaries. Tabito even introduced Otoya to one of his former teammates, Hiori Yo.
Tabito didn’t want Otoya to be disgusted by him. He was already disgusted with himself.
There was one night that changed everything, though. Otoya was a sleep cuddler, and for some reason, Tabito was always his target. As Otoya cuddled up next to Tabito, he felt their faces get closer together in proximity. Tabito could feel his best friend’s breath against his lips. He tried to distract himself.
“Don’t do anythin’, ya idiot. Don’t ruin yer friendship…”
But he couldn’t help it. His ears turned red, and he felt aroused. Tabito gently cupped Otoya’s face.
“Eita…”
He mumbled, his words carried with a tone of delicacy. Without thinking, he softly pressed his lips against Otoya’s. Tabito immediately pulled back, his face warping into one of pure horror.
"What the hell did I do?"
Tabito whispered in fear. He felt sick. Tabito felt like he was about to vomit. He got up and sprinted to the bathroom, where he hurled that night’s meal into the toilet. He just stared at the wall. He went too far. Tabito needed to distance himself. He didn’t want to lose Otoya, didn’t want to repel him.
“It’s not normal.”
Tabito swore he could hear his mother’s words echo in the bathroom.
After that incident, Tabito tried to be less touchy with Otoya and tried to avoid any alone time with him. What made it worse was that he could tell Otoya noticed something was off. Otoya had to have known what Tabito did and was repulsed by him.
While he was talking with Hiori, he could feel that Otoya was uninterested in what Tabito was saying. He hesitantly spoke up.
“‘Toya?”
Otoya looked up into Tabito’s eyes and responded nonchalantly.
“Yeah?”
Tabito could hear his mother’s words ringing in his head. Otoya probably loathed Tabito for what he did. Karasu gently spoke up.
“‘Yer not lookin’ that good. Are ya feelin’ alright, ‘Toya?”
Hiori added in as well, noticing the tension between the two boys.
“Otoya, are you okay?”
Otoya just sighed as he talked.
“I’m fine… I’ll just shower early. See you guys later.”
Tabito watched as Otoya walked off. He wanted to run after him, to tell him he was sorry and never meant to do anything to ruin their friendship. But he didn’t want Otoya to be grossed out by him. The best thing to do would be to leave Otoya alone, and not bother him anymore. Tabito sat there at the table, watching Otoya’s figure shrink slowly until it was no longer visible.