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‘ It’s been a while ..’
‘ Can we talk .. for a bit? ‘
There were so many words left unsaid back then, cowardly & half-hearted weren’t the proper words to even begin to describe Toya’s rash actions, his actions were .. spineless, careless, if you will. How was Toya to stand beside Akito and call himself his singing partner, when he couldn’t even come to terms with his own insecurities when it came to music? Classical music, that was all he knew growing up, but becoming a classical artist wasn’t his dream, it was his fathers.
When he met Akito, he thought that he could break the chains of his homelife. That he finally had a passion of his own, a dream he could pursue with his beloved friend, but it was all a lie. This wasn’t his dream, it was Akito’s dream and he was holding him back. This was a dream he had ‘stolen’ from Akito, he had inserted himself where he didn’t belong once again. Something he had found himself doing a lot lately. Was it selfish to want something for himself? Was it selfish to take Akito’s dream and make it his?
These were the poisonous thoughts that plagued Toya’s mind, so he ran. After their argument, he was on the plane to Austria the very next day. He couldn’t face Akito after he called his dream childish. God, he was as cowardly as they come. He had the funds and the means to disappear, so without even a second thought about his former partners feelings, he ran. He blocked Akito, Shiraishi, Azusawa, and even Tsukasa-senpai’s number. It was as clear as day that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with them.
Here he was, 3 years later finally facing those unresolved feelings from back then. Here he was, asking Akito to hear him out when he wouldn’t let Akito get a word in edgewise back then. How selfish. He half expected to be punched again, perhaps to even be told to ‘fuck off’ in akito’s oh so colorful language, and honestly he deserved all of it. He deserved any hurtful words or actions that were thrown his way, he deserved all of it. To his surprise Akito did none of that he simply nodded and said. “Let’s take a walk.”
Their walk was silent, as they aimlessly wandered town with no real destination in mind. While it wasn’t a comfortable silence, it was far from an awkward one, it seemed to be something in between. It was unclear on who was following who at this point, but it wasn’t long until they entered a familiar clearing. They were at the park where they sang together for the first time, where their voices joined together in unison for the first time. The park that used to be so vibrant and full of color was now dead and desolate. It made perfect sense considering that even back then this park would often go unused.
Toya & Akito were the sole reason that this park got any traction to begin with. Their singing is what gave this park life, what gave it semblance, and a kind of reason to exist in the first place. So, this is where their hearts led them, their old stomping grounds. Toya glanced at Akito as he let out a soft melancholic sigh, he walked over to the swings and threw his bag against the structure before taking a seat. “...Join me?” he asked as he tilted his head towards the open swing.
Akitos mouth flat-lined as he nodded and took a seat next to his former friend. They swung silent for a moment just relaxing in each other's company when Toya pulled himself to a stop. “This is stupid.” he mumbled as his gaze slowly met Akito’s. “I’m supposed to be the more articulate one between us, the one with extensive knowledge on words and their proper structure, and yet.. I am at a loss for words. I had so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to tell you.”
They went silent once more.
Painful, agonizing, silence.
“A sorry would be a good start. A reason.. would be a good start.” Akito finally said, gaze focused on this one pebble on the ground, he stared at it like it was the most interesting pebble in the universe. Akito really wasn’t pulling any punches today, his ‘nice guy’ persona was nowhere to be seen, that soft tone that Akito used to use with him so long ago was nowhere to be seen. Toya used to feel so lucky to be awarded the privilege of seeing a softer side to Akito. Now that privilege had been stripped away from him.
“You are right.” Toya mumbled as his eyes traveled downwards, fixating on the same pebble that Akito had been. “I’m sorry-” he paused before his eyes narrowed as he looked up again. “No. That’s not good enough. A simple ‘I’m sorry.’ is not good enough You.. deserve more than that, you deserve so much more, you always have.”
“Akito. Please look at me? Even if it’s with scorn and hatred, just.. Please.”
A couple of agonizing minutes of silence passed before Akito’s eyes finally met Toya’s, that momentary look of hatred and disgust had been replaced with one of sadness and hurt. That's right. He had hurt Akito.
“You know.. back then, I used to believe I could be the partner you wanted me to be. I used to believe that your dream could be mine too, that I was worthy enough of being the one to help you achieve your goal. How naive of me, huh?...” Toya mumbled, leaning his head against the chains of the swing. “I wanted to be what you wanted me to be so badly, but I fell short every single time. Maybe.. music was never my passion to begin with.”
“That's where you're wrong.” Akito said cutting him off before he could continue his self-deprecating monologue. “I saw you. I saw that look in your eyes when we had the opportunity to sing together. I know you love… loved music more than anyone. At times you were even more passionate than me about music. You.. loved it.”
“Maybe I was just pretending-”
“You weren't. You weren't pretending. It's because of your father, that you-”
“No Akito. I can not keep using my father as a scapegoat, when it comes to my own shortcomings. In the past I would always blame him as an excuse for my own cowardness.” he paused for a moment. “I grew to despise music because I couldn't be what others wanted me to be. It was destroying me. I couldn't be the partner you desired or the son my father wanted me to be. I tried, but in the end I failed. So I quit. You deserved so much more than I knew I was ever capable of giving.”
“Stop it.” Akito mumbled as he shot a sharp glare towards Toya's way. “We were best friends, but it seemed you never really knew me at all, partner.” His words full of bitterness. “I never wanted you to be anything. I carry any unrealistic expectations of you. I didn't want the perfect partner. I wanted you.”
Rad weekend.
Originally that was Akito's one and only goal, that was his main focus, his sole reason for doing the things he did, but things changed, people change. Rad weekend was still a goal of his but it soon became an afterthought. Meeting Toya is what changed him, hearing the passion in his voice when he sang and seeing the lit cire in his eyes. That's what changed him.
It was no longer just about surpassing Rad Weekend anymore. It was about doing it WITH Toya by his side to celebrate the victory with him. Sure, Akito has had other friends in the past. He's been close friends with An since the both of them were kids, and he's made friends with the other members on his Soccer team, but Toya was the first time he had ever made a truly meaningful connection.
Toya was the first one he had ever tried to get to know. After all, they were partners, how could truly call themselves such if they barely knew each other.
“...Hey. Do you remember when An introduced us to Kohane? God. I was so harsh on her back then. I told her she wasn't taking this seriously, because I couldn't see what she could in Kohane. We both shared the same dream, she was so happy to have finally found someone to synergize with her and yet…” Akito scowled as the memories of that night started flooding back to him. “I acted like a real dick to them, because there's a chance that An thought the same about you.”
That statement made Toya shoot Akito a questioning glance, indicating for him to elaborate.
“An couldn't see what I saw in you.” Akito continued. “but she went about it in a nicer way, while she couldn't see what I saw.. she still thought you were the perfect partner for me. She felt the two of us meshed together well.” he let out a soft sigh. “Things changed, Toya. I should have contacted you sooner, I shouldn't have been so hot-headed and- It's been 3 years, and I still refuse to team up with anyone else. It's you, or no one.”
Those words gave Toya a lot to think about, even after all this time… he still refused to find another partner. Was he seriously that irreplaceable in Akito's eyes? Akito was so talented, passionate, and yet.. he would only ever team up with him, Toya couldn't wrap his head around it. “Akito…”
“...If only I had… things wouldn't have..” Akito mumbled as he averted his eyes towards the ground, a distraught look on his face as a singular tear streamed down his face. Akito wasn't one to cry often, if ever, Toya had only ever seen him cry a total of two other times, had Akito been beating himself up this entire time?
‘...so that's how it is?...huh?’ Toya thought, reaching over to wipe away the tear that was falling. Akito blamed himself for not being ‘quick enough’ but.. it wasn't Akito's job to boost his confidence, it was never Akito's job to smack some sense into him. Still.. he blamed himself.
A sigh escaped from Toya as he pulled the swing to a complete stop, “Hey… I'm set to return to Austria tomorrow night. When are you scheduled to go back to America?”
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Then how about one song, for old times sake?” Toya said holding up his phone to show Akito the song he wanted them to perform real quick. ‘Aun no beats’ their signature song, a song that meant to define what their relationship meant. A song that no longer carried any real meaning to Akito anymore, they were going to be together forever, they were MEANT to be together forever, but that was just a lie, wasn't it?
Without waiting for Akito, Toya climbed off of the swing and went to stand in the middle of the park. He placed his phone on a nearby bench, and pressed play on the audio. Slowly he started to sing bits and parts of the song, bits and parts of THEIR song. Throughout the song, Toya would intentionally leave spaces in between each verse, he was dead set on not singing Akitos part of the song. Those were not his verses to sing, they were Akitos.
Regardless of how awkward this was, Toya continued singing like a broken record. It was.. pathetic, to say the least but Akito couldn't exactly say he hated it. This piss-poor performance earned a scoff from Akito as he shook his head and climbed off of the swing to meet Toya in the middle of the park. Those actions earned a soft chuckle from Toya as he reached out his hand towards Akito.
“ Why do I want to be loved? “ Toya started.
“ Why do I want to love? “ Akito continued.
“ I.. My sympathy is due to vagueness , And my fearless sensory , Don't worry, don't worry, it's okay , I will make you smile “ They continued in unison.
“So, giving and receiving, Stay here so you won't disappear…” Toya mumbled softly, before following up with a. “...please?” the song still played in the background as they stopped singing. “I miss you.” Toya finally admitted, every single day while in Austria, Toya thought about the words he didn't get to say. He thought about his own selfishness and cowardness which led him to lose the most important person in his life.
He thought about how much he hurt Akito. That much was clear, he had hurt him a great deal and knew he wasn't deserving of forgiveness, or anything.
“ …please.” Toya repeated. “I miss you.”
“I know you hate me. I know I'm not deserving of anything you have to offer, I know there are so many people out there better-”
“That's where you're wrong.” Akito finally stated as he cut him off. “I never hated you. You were my best friend, my partner. I could never… grow to hate you. As much as I wanted to. I wanted to hate you. You deserved it. You left.. without a word. I wanted to forget you, I did. But I could never bring myself to. God. I just wonder what the hell runs through your brain sometimes.” he let out a soft sigh as he ran his hand through his hair in disbelief.
That comment earned a small smile from Toya.
“I swear. You may be book smart, but you're so stupid when it comes to people. Did you really think I could ever hate you? Remember… you blocked me, I didn't block you.” Akito stated. That much was true, even after realizing that Toya had blocked him on everything, he never blocked back. He had considered it… many many times, but he could never go through with it. Believe me, I tried. But you have a chokehold on my heart.”
A chuckle escaped from Toya as he wrapped an arm around Akito, which caught Akito way off guard. Usually he was the one initiating physical contact, not Toya, so this was a welcome surprise. “...How about we pick up where we left off? Besides, I have to admit, I wasn't all that interested in the school I was at in Austria, anyways. I was mostly going for fun. Attending to become a lawyer, only because my brother recommended it. I wasn't actually interested.”
“Pfft. Fun? Only you would attend school for FUN.” Akito said, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Ah.. but I'm sure you have people in America that you have to get back to, don't you?.. it's not that easy to just uproot your life and leave.” Toya continued.
“...I dunno. You did it pretty easily. Leaving in one night.” That comment from Akito earned a hurt glance from Toya, but he tried to mask it behind a soft smile. Still… to this day, Akito could see right through that fake mask. How could he see through this mask so easily but be unable to back then when he needed it most. It was the one time he had fallen short.
“.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” he sighed realizing his mistake as he shook his head. He was just joking, and yet he should have known it was a tough subject for Toya. That was the night everything changed, the night his entire world changed. The night both of their lives changed.
“Y'know, I don't have any real ties down there in America. I have acquaintances.. heck. I even have friends, but I don't have anyone I would willingly go out of my way to stay for. We could… find a small apartment around the area, I have some savings that would last us a couple months. I highly doubt you're looking forward to having to see your father. Are you serious about wanting to pick up where we left off?” Akito asked, giving Toya a skeptical look.
“Positive. I'm sure.. my brother will understand.” Besides, his brother was the one who pushed him to attend this outing anyways. He had actually almost declined the invitation his classmates sent to him, claiming that school had become really difficult recently and he had no time to do anything but study. He's glad he didn't.. if he had, he wouldn't have made up with Akito. “I have savings too, to help us get off our feet. I still hope to attend college, but it'll be a secondary project. College will not be my main focus. Rad weekend will be. I could find a nice one around here and maybe…”
“...Ok. Well, I want you to know I'm taking this seriously. I'm not letting you drag me down, but I know.. you would never be able drag me down. I'm not playing around here. We will.. surpass Rad Weekend. You and me. Right partner?” Akito raised up his arm towards Toya.
“Right… partner.” Toya said with a smile as he tapped his arm against Akitos.
Toya still wonders if he's truly the right person to stand beside Akito, but in the end it doesn't matter, what matters is that Akito chose him. Akito is the one who gets to make that decision in the end. Despite Toyas obvious flaws & mediocre self esteem. Akito still chose him. That's what matters the most.
“Hey Akito?....”
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”
“Don't mention it, partner.”