Chapter Text
i’m lost in your city, i was hoping we could meet
but you keep your distance, maybe i should let it be
it is the best of times, the worst of times, and eddie wonders if he has misunderstood something and everything.
to him it feels like their love story is one for the ages, but what if it isn’t a love story in the first place?
he starts to analyse everything that has lead him here; not only the tsunamis, gunshot wounds and lightning strikes, but the in-betweens, offhand comments. familiarity he has taken for granted and never questioned. the buckandeddieness of it all. perhaps because there are too many little things, from ‘you can have my back any day’ to ‘wanna go for the title’ and everything beyond, he could have misinterpreted.
it’s especially frustrating, because it started off so well.
they’ve just returned, and will need a few weeks to fully settle back in, handle the paperwork for chris to return to school and for him to be able to work again, but he isn’t all too worried.
in fact, any concerns, doubts and uncertainties that had built up during their drive back home, had come crumbling down as soon as buck had opened the door to pull them into a welcome-back-i-missed-you-guys-so-so-so-much-hug.
it could have been easy, how everything with buck is easy.
the daily routine should come naturally to them:
• breakfast
• take chris to school
• go grocery shopping (we need toothpaste!)
• lunch
• pick up chris from school
• drive chris to his friend’s place (he needs to be home by 8)
• make dinner
• take out the trash
• watch a movie (you get to pick this time)
• (bonus: fall asleep on the couch together)
all this makes up the foolproof little fantasy he has been treasuring so dearly to get through extraordinarily shitty times, back in el paso (mostly provided by him courtesy of his parents).
some days it had seemed more attainable than others, but with buck’s ever so unwavering grin and confidence in him, he managed to return triumphantly.
the day the 118 had held his welcome back party, he had wanted to scream to the heavens and beyond that he had made it.
the others could joke that nothing had changed now that their ‘long-distance relationship’ was finally over (hen called it that, nobody had argued and eddie would be the last to refute those claims, especially after ravi had heaved a sigh of relief: ‘i am so glad you are back. maybe now we’ll have more to talk about, other than eddie-this and eddie-that’), and he let them have their fun.
not to be dramatic, but looking back, that day was the beginning of the end.
it had been all laughs, good food and catching up, until he had noticed that buck was looking at him and turned his head to give him a cheerful wink. only for his best friend to physically recoil and hastily remove his arm from eddie’s shoulder. he didn’t even get to ask what the fuck that was about, since buck had announced a little too enthusiastically that he would get something to drink, all but fleeing from him.
yep, that hurt, and since then it’s only gotten worse.
all because buck has decided to slowly, slowly kill him by avoiding him.
he’s experiencing serious withdrawals from their casual intimacy; nudges, hands on shoulders, meaningful glances, secret whispers and smiles.
buck’s been using chris as a shield too. at first the teenager didn’t mind; he was in dire need of some buck-time when they returned. but now that he’s starting to get settled in and meet up with friends, there’s less opportunities for buck to set up their son as a partition wall.
all of a sudden they are home alone. which is fine, perfect, just peachy, but where are the moments when they sit on the couch together, buck presses his leg against eddie’s, leans in a little too closely and grins a little too brightly. his voice low and deep and his eyes warm and kind, all for a simple question such as “wanna get pizza?”
these days he’s sitting on the other side of the couch to answer that there should be some left in the freezer.
doesn’t he realise that hey, eddie is dying here!
it’s been one week since they’ve returned, two since he realised something big about himself. he runs his hand through his hair and relives the day back in el paso:
when i talk about you, i’m afraid to say too much
somebody asked about you, if there’s something more to us
over thirty years in the making, the admission of his sexuality turns out less grandiose and groundbreaking that one might think.
his mother calls him over, and he doesn’t know why he ever expected it to be for anything else than the usual berating comments.
“you’re painting us as the bad guys, when we simply want to help you! we took christopher in because you are clearly incapable of taking care of him or yourself. and now the boy won’t even come over to visit us!”
one and a half minutes into the conversation, eddie is already beyond exhausted. “he’s focused on school, right now. he has more time to spend with his friends, now that he doesn’t play chess, anymore. let him be a teenager”
“that’s another thing. how will he ever grow up if he never has to go through any hardships? he can’t just give up every time he doesn’t want to do something; that’s not how this works”
“yes, it is. chris has gone through way more than anyone his age should. he doesn’t want to play chess? he doesn’t have to. it’s my job as his parent to be there for him, support him in his decisions and enable him to live the life that’s best for him. not that you know anything about that”
“now you’re being stubborn–“
“buck thinks i’m a good father,” he says, to give himself the courage and composure he needs for this last fight. he unclenches his fists, takes a deep breath and stands up straight: “i know i am”
his mother raises an eyebrow at that, there’s a deep sigh and an annoyed expression. “your… buck... how exactly is he relevant to this family matter?”
he could, would, should tell his mother that his buck is the centrepiece to any family matter because he is their family. in recent years more so than his parents have ever pretended to be. but he’s also so tired of the constant arguments, jibes and scorn.
“i’m going home. you should thank me for this. if you stop intervening with my son’s life now, there’s a chance he won’t grow up to hate you. makes one of us”
later he’s sitting on the couch in his house.
he wants to call buck, but he’s on a shift and as much as he loves them, he doesn’t exactly need the whole crew to take over the phone call to ask how things are (bad, worse, not good). he just needs buck.
his finger hover over the button until he decides not to call. instead, he starts scrolling through their chat and stops at the last picture buck has sent. it’s a selfie and proof that some grandma accidentally (?) beat him up with her cane.
he swipes to the next picture and the one after.
it’s all buck, chris, chris, buck, buck and chris, chris, chris and buck and eddie, buck, buck, buck and eddie, eddie and chris, chris and buck, buck, buck, buck and eddie and chris, and he thinks that outsiders would easily mistake them for a family of three if buck was a woman.
and then he thinks that that has happened before even though buck isn’t a woman.
and then he thinks that, of course, gay people do exist; after all buck is bi.
what distinguishes them from actual gay couples is that eddie is straight.
because he can’t be gay.
can’t he be gay?
and then he thinks, wait, hold up, that is an option? that is an option.
is he gay?
he zooms in on buck’s face, his eyes, his smile, his curls, his birthmark, his lips and–
oh.
yes.
he is gay.
he lets out a breath he’s been holding all his life and relaxes into the pillows behind him.
that’s all it took?
it feels so right to finally have the last missing puzzle piece in place. sure, there’s a lot more to figure out now that the ball has started rolling, but for now it’s perfectly fine to sit here, look at buck’s face and whisper “i am gay”, mostly for himself to hear, but nonetheless out loud.
buck calls him as soon as he comes out of the shower, ready to complain about the shift.
he has draped a towel over his shoulders and doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that the water dripping from his curls is leaving puddles all over the house. he happily jumps onto the bed and props himself up against the headboard.
something stirs at the bottom of eddie’s stomach.
oh, that’s a new feeling.
buck starts rambling about how someone (chimney!!!) uttered the q-word (apparently because ravi muttered something underneath his breath and he wanted him to speak up). they were lucky that it was nothing dramatic, just way too many small (and totally avoidable) accidents. people really need to stop their cats from climbing impossibly high trees, it’s just too cliche at this point. that being said, it was an egyptian mau (and what a cute name for a cat breed!) so he basically saved an ancient goddess. of course, knows that’s not how it works, in fact he has just started this podcast about egyptian history. the pyramid of khufu weighs as much as sixteen empire state buildings, did eddie know? well, now he does, what are the chances aliens built them after all?
eddie chuckles.
he loves buck.
his best friend somehow manages to circle back to the initial point: chim and the q-word (“he’s been out of it, these days. maybe because of the baby? should we get more toys? let’s buy some for jee, too! maybe chris wants to come, lately i’ve been into puzzles, again, i kinda want to puzzle with him. we can do it over facetime. you can join too, of course”).
he loves buck.
buck interrupts his rant when eddie stops nodding in agreement at everything he says.
“eds, are you listening?”
“i miss you”
buck’s expression softens and he doesn’t miss a beat.
“i miss you, too”
eddie crumbles under the other man’s overly sincere gaze and buries his face in his hands.
how is it that he only now notices how– fondly buck looks at him?
“i’m sorry, this week’s been a bit tough. i mean obviously you’ve had a lot on your plate too, cats and grandmas and all,” buck laughs quietly and eddie’s heart performs a cute little somersault. “it’s about my parents. especially my mother, i just… i just really need a hug”
he feels himself turn hot red after the admission, but of course buck doesn’t mock him. instead, the corners of his mouth drop as if he’s suffering through the phone with him.
an unusually tense silence spreads. for a moment, eddie fears he’s completely ruined the mood. after all, it’s not as if buck, 800 kilometres away, can do much. he wants to shrug it off and assure him that it will all work out somehow, and that he’s just particularly tired today and to keep talking about his puzzles.
but buck’s voice is quiet and gentle, a little unsure when he finally speaks up. he whispers it softly and it’s a confession in itself:
“come home?”
the next day chris asks him when they’ll return home and they make sure to stop somewhere to get a puzzle for buck.
in truth, he isn’t all that sure if there has ever been a moment he hasn’t been in love with buck. and that day he was certain that his newly discovered feelings were reciprocated.
so why exactly isn’t buck on their couch and in his arms?
no, it’s him alone moping around and desperately attempting to remember any signs that the “come home?” and all the statements that came before are what buck says to all his platonic besties.
there’s this other intense moment that happened not so long ago, for example:
think back to the hotel, to where no one else could see
us two in the hallway saying things you shouldn’t say to me
he sees himself at chimney’s bachelor party.
it’s loud and crowded and he’s sweaty and way too drunk and wants to sing karaoke.
he also wants to kiss buck, but that is more of a fleeting thought, he’d choose to ignore. except his brain is in the process of shutting down and it’s unfair how hot buck is.
objectively.
not even in a totally in denial, no-homo-toxic-masculinity way. but a man can appreciate another man’s good looks, right?
if only he was a girl, so they could make out a little.
what?
he frowns, cocks his head in confusion and examines the bottle in his hands.
what exactly is he drinking right now?
doesn’t matter, he’s an ally!
that means he can confidently say that his best friend is a total hottie.
the wild atmosphere suits him; being around people and the loudest in the room. especially because he doesn’t leave eddie's side, and scootches even closer, as if afraid that they’d loose each other in the chaos they personally created.
yes, yes, this all makes perfect sense. buck is a handsome man, who wouldn’t want to kiss him?
buck turns to him, his body heat sends sparks flying and he might just be the centre of the universe so why exactly can’t eddie kiss him?
suddenly extremely disgruntled with the seemingly unsolvable problem, his jumbled thoughts culminate in a frustrated pout and an embarrassingly whiny “buck”.
he must look all hot and bothered, the alcohol makes him a little desperate, and needy, and buck is kind enough to comply.
because who is evan buckley if not a friend who helps anyone out?
especially since
a) he can read eddie’s mind
b) he’d never refuse him a wish
so one second buck’s smiles grows a little wider, a little softer, the next he presses a kiss to his best friend’s lips.
it’s too quick and the worst mixture of all the drinks they’ve had.
buck puts his arm around his shoulder to pull him closer: “man, i can’t believe he’s missing the best bachelor party of his whole entire life!”
it’s also beautiful and for the rest of the night, eddie’s stomach is a gooey mush of alcohol induced feelings.
all the moments that i ran from
always thought you’d wait for me
he doesn’t remember if that’s exactly what went down that night (there had been more important things to focus on later).
but it could have happened, and if it had, nobody would have batted an eye.
and those are just two of the moments that make him want to finally move past all the mistakes he’s ever made.
he lost chris for far too long and will never allow for that to happen again.
just as he won’t let buck be the one that got away, now that he has realised that he can have him.
first he pictures his coming out:
in an ideal world, buck would immediately drop the pancakes (because he pictures him updating his best friend on his sexuality over a breakfast that buck had made for them) to pull him in a big hug, tell him how proud he was of him, and that absolutely nothing would change between them.
admittedly, that last part does bug him a bit, but considering it has taken him seven years to get to this point, a few more baby steps won’t hurt.
the second phase are daydreams about all the moments in their new daily routine in which he could confess his love to buck:
buck, pan in hand and about to put the next pancake on his plate, when he tells him (yes, it’s pancakes, again).
eddie tying buck’s apron so he can get to bread baking, pausing for just a moment, rising up onto his toes to whisper it only for him to hear.
buck going weak at the knees as they are hugging and eddie tells him, faced pressed into the other’s chest.
buck and eddie on the couch, half asleep after whatever movie buck picked, putting his head on the his best friend’s shoulder is so easy, intertwining their fingers the next step, and he makes sure to hold buck’s blue gaze when he says it.
chris rolling his eyes when he finds them kissing in the kitchen: ‘ew, get a room’, but eddie’s trying not to get too ahead of himself.
the scenarios have at least partially come true. there’s been long hugs, movie nights and breakfast, a lot of bread, and even pancakes, yet eddie can’t help but notice the distinct lack of coming outs and confessions
for some reason he expected things to simply fall into place, now that he’s trying not to deny himself his joy, happiness, all the things he really wants.
he’s had his little journey, and come to the painful realisation that chris not being here is definitely an option. and that buck not being here isn’t an option either. that he needs both parts of his heart.
when he left his best friend in the drizzling rain, he simply assumed that buck would give him all the time to figure these things out, but he might have been wrong.
and if it is love, then what’s the point now?
you got someone to hold
the tommy-confession is his first heartbreak.
in his defence, he’s spent the past few days doing nothing but wait impatiently for his happy ending to be rung in.
so what if he jumps to his feet when buck pauses for a second, as he gears up for his 24, hesitates, and clears his throat?
is this it?
this could be it!
“hey, there’s this thing you should know, now that you are back. i wanted to tell you, but with all the things going on on your end, i just kinda forgot,” he quickly raises his hands in surrender. “and don’t be too mad at me, i’ve sat through enough disappointed lectures”
not off to a great start, considering that buck decided to tell him now, with a hand on the door handle, as if ready to bolt any second.
he crosses his arms and tries to school his face. “okay?”
“sooo… somehow, don’t ask how, it was– i was drunk and ravi must have been really annoyed by me, it’s not his fault, though! but tommy was there and i was drunk and...sad… and we– slept together. it was a mistake. we fought the next day, it was… i shouldn’t have, but… i’m sorry”
one-third of his brain reasons that buck can make his own decisions and do whatever he wants and really has no reason to apologise to him.
the second one immediately forgives him.
and the third one suffers a complete nervous breakdown.
he isn’t being fair, he knows.
here is his best friend, sheepishly telling him about a mistake he made in buck’s, eddie’s, buckandeddie’s house, on what’s supposed to be buckandeddieanddefinitelynottommy’s bed.
he was drunk, eddie wasn’t there to stop him and what he should do is squeeze buck’s shoulder, offer a tight-lipped smile, and a ‘hey, don’t do that again’.
he won’t, because now eddie’s back, and buck’s better.
is he disappointed mad disgusted angry jealous?
well, yeah.
after all, it’s eddie’s buck, who tommy kinard has messed with.
he gets to be a little bit possessive, because they are at least best friends.
but he can’t even blame tommy for trying. buck is the most beautiful person in and out, the easiest to love, who wouldn’t want to be with him?
it frustrates him. that people walk into buck’s life and leave it in ruins, while he sits by idly waiting for some pancake-induced romantic confession. especially because eddie is now one of those leaving buck behind. that must have done wonders for his abandonment issues.
of course, buck can’t tell that eddie looks at him differently now. he doesn’t.
eddie’s looked at him like he’s the love of his life ever since halfway through their first shift; only he’s done it under a straight label.
so how is buck supposed to know why the thought of him with tommy wrecks eddie as much as it does?
buck is bi, eddie is supposedly straight; they have always loved each other in a way that could maintain eddie’s heterosexuality.
over the chaos in his head, he can only manage an “oh, okay,” even though it’s not true.
“yep, no worries, been there, done that, not doing it again! no competition here, no sir. glad i got that off my chest, gotta go, byebye!”
three seconds later, his head reappears back in the door frame.
“forget what i said. the last part. or all of it. see you later, eddie”
the door closes and stays closed.
eddie spends the day deep cleaning the house.
he gets new bed sheets and airs out the mattress.
maybe he should burn down the bed frame, too.
stuck in emotions and i don’t know what they mean
keep thinking about us and how things get in between
the second heartbreak comes with a headache when buck returns. eddie’s spent way too much time catastrophising. he considers baking bread. and cake. and muffins. no pancakes.
chris pauses his game to give him a critical look.
“you’re being… intense, dad”
“sorry”
“it’s okay. want to talk about it? buck should be back soon”
eddie groans and buries his face in his hands.
chris furrows his brows.
“dad?”
“i’m
i’m gay”
he feels like he’s the hormonal teenager between them, as he barely manages to keep eye contact. chris’ features relax and he nods and smiles gently. “okay”
“yeah?”
“of course. want a hug?”
he does.
christopher’s all grown up when he tells him to just get a grip and talk to buck. “you’re making it weirder than it is, trust me”
he does trust him, but then buck comes back after chris has retreated to his room, and there’s no one there to talk some sense into him, when his best friend mentions it. casually. cruel.
“i should probably look for an apartment soon, huh”
if it were a question, eddie would have immediately fallen to his knees and begged him to stay, please, stay.
but it is a statement, a fact, not an open discussion.
‘people will misunderstand, don’t you think?’
who cares about other people’s opinions?
buck does.
maybe because he wants to bring them home from nights out, to kiss and love briefly, without having to explain why exactly he shares a home, bed and son with his best friend.
only now does he realise that buck is still waiting for an answer. he frowns slightly, probably confused by eddie’s ugly expression.
eddie wants to kiss away every single one of buck’s frowns now and forever.
instead he says: “sure, but no worries, you can stay for as long as you like”