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Zam had never wanted to curl in on himself and avoid a conversation more than in this moment, yet he knew it wasn’t something he could escape or avoid - he couldn’t tunnel away from explaining how his mind worked.
Usually during Zam’s lowest points, he felt as if there was something quiet yet known between himself and Derapchu. Multiple times in the past, Zam will have left a gruelling conversation or hard encounter and, as if on cue, there'd be a message from Derapchu asking if he was okay or whether he needed someone to talk to. -
Of course, it was nice to feel seen despite having never met his eyes, but over time it felt as if it was wasted kindness. For someone to care so much about Zam, who saw herself as more of a lost cause than anything. Anyone else would be more deserving of the kindness Derap offered, he was sure of that much.
- However, now there was a pit in his stomach as he stood face to face with Derap, who was now the opposing party of the gruelling conversation. The other end of the hard encounter. Zam knew he wouldn't get a message from his teammate after this, asking whether he was okay, asking if he needed to talk.
Derapchu long knew of Zam’s.. tendencies. His self isolation, his self sabotage, his inability to put his full trust in someone for some time, maybe even his specific distrust in those previously allied with the infamous spawn destroyers.
He must have known, that's why he put so much effort into gaining trust, made sure that Zam knew he wasn't going to be treated as if broken or worth less then others or as if he was simply an easy option. He’d said it so many times, but all he wanted was to be teamed with PrinceZam. Derap didn't care whether she was a pacifist who didn't hurt anyone, a sadistic murderer who killed on sight, all he cared about was Zam.
How Zam himself couldn't see that until now, he didn't know.
Zam didn’t know whether he could trust his own judgement for the time being, his mind wrapped up in the need to flee, to get away and be by himself. Yet, he didn’t want to be alone right now. All of these conflicting thoughts and feelings were doing nothing for him as his ears grew muffled and rang, drowning out the sound of Derap’s voice, drowning out his words that Zam oh desperately wanted to hear. He wanted to affirm his belief in Derapchu being trustworthy, and yet the more he heard the more diminished his trust felt.
She had never been good with words and communication herself, opting for etching words into signs to show her true thoughts and intentions, but Derapchu wouldn’t want to read some stupid signs, he’d want her to speak up for herself. He hated being in this situation, it felt all too familiar to words that circled his mind already.
‘I was standing beside my enemy and against my teammate.’
Zam wasn’t standing against Derapchu, was he? It isn’t standing against a teammate if he stood against her first, right? Was Zam her own enemy in that scenario?
Sometimes Derap would say the right thing, would make Zam feel as if nothing in these past four months was anything close to a lie, would make him feel insane for believing there was even a slight chance that there was any dishonesty. On the other side, he’d jumble up his words and say something that tore down the rose-colored glasses Zam felt as though he was looking through, forcing him to see what could be the ugly truth.
It’s not like betrayal and lying was anything new to Zam. It happens every time, in every season, probably in every lifetime. Derapchu, eventually, would just be another line on the toll of people who had grown a bond with him only to tear him down from the inside out.
At the end of the day, Zam was a fighter. Whether in a war, a battle, or against his own mind. He was nothing if not a warrior, right?
“.. ‘m sorry.” The words escaped him before he’d even put thought into what he was saying, coming out broken and pitiful. Zam’s left hand coming up to hold his newly-blackened metallic arm, it resembled the same as what scars could, resembled the same as what covered his left eye - an encounter with FlameFrags, being left to live another day that Flame would come to regret.
Despite his head staring at the ground before Derap rather than make any attempt at eye contact, Zam can imagine the look on his face simply from how long it takes for him to pur together words to reply.
“It’s okay, it’s- look, it’s totally fine.” Was what Derapchu had landed on, his voice absent of any laughter or mockery, all that was evident was genuine concern. Concern for his partner, who’d just confided in him that she had these thoughts of being gone permanently, how she felt as though wrong in the head, how she wanted nothing more than to keep fighting a battle she knew she’d never win.
There was a silence, Zam half way between hugging himself and folding in on himself whilst Derapchu kept his distance, he didn’t want to make the situation any worse on either of them than he seemingly already had.
Derapchu, in the span of being here, had been told everything he could ever truly fear. Zam didn’t trust him entirely, Zam felt weird about him, Zam felt lied to, Zam very well almost let Flame farm him off of the server. Flame, the same person who’d killed Wemmbu all that time ago, the same person he thought he and Zam saw as a common enemy.
Zam was willing to give himself up entirely and fall to Flame.
“Zam, look let’s- can we get out of here? We’ll get you gear, we’ll- please. I don’t want you to get hurt anymore than you already have.” Now it was Derap’s turn for his words to come out, sounding as if coming from a shattered man. Maybe it was an accident, or something in the spur of the moment, but he took a step or two forward, though nothing more. Perhaps he just wanted to let Zam know he was there without overwhelming him with too many words. Derapchu had reminded him multiple times of the fact he is always right there with him.
Zam didn’t know what he wanted in that moment, his heart was filled to the brim with the idea of Derap’s touch, wanting nothing more than to lean forward and feel arms wrap around him, to tilt his head up and press a kiss against lips he’d kissed a hundred times before, lose himself in the company of someone he loves - his mind, though, was filled with the ideas that Derapchu was only doing this to regain the lost trust between them, rather than something he was doing out of care for Zam. He needed that trust to later ruin Zam further than a simple betrayal, right? Were his intentions entirely malicious, was everything to do with Zaun and Atlas all some ploy over these few months? Jumper had done the exact same thing with the abyss, so why would it be any different now with somebody else?
“Zam, look, I’m not- fuckin’- I’m not Jumper, I’m not gonna betray you or do any of that bullshit, alright? That's not what's happening here.” Derap’s words felt so distant, so far away yet he was standing so close to Zam. As he spoke, Derapchu fidgeted with his hands, it looked like he was itching to close the gap between them, but waited for Zam’s cue.
“Are you sure?” Zam replied with a voice smaller than he was hoping for, making an effort for his words to be more put together, but still coming out with something so simple.
There was a moment of silence as Derap slowly and ever-so carefully lifted his hands, waiting for any sign of a flinch or discomfort at all, which something he never seemed to have gotten in response, before warm hands settled against either side of Zam’s face and gently tilted his head upward. Zam was expecting some Derapchu-like reply where he'd raise his voice to a slightly higher volume and say yes with a far too dragged out s.
However, that never really came, either. It was quiet, save for the fires you always hear in the nether, and even through the warm climate, Derap’s hands on his skin felt like warmth against cold skin.
Zam slowly defrosted from whatever state he’d left himself in, bringing up his prosthetic arm’s hand to rest atop Derap's shoulder, his flesh hand coming up to lay against the back of the other’s before intertwining their fingers. It was far too warm in the nether, far too humid in this box they'd encased themselves in, but neither of them exactly cared, either.
“I promise you, I’m not going to betray you, I don't want to do anything to hurt you and if I do, you can tell me. I’m not going to be mad at you, I’m not going to dismiss you, if I do something you fuckin’ drill it into my head, alright?” Derap’s voice stayed quiet, keeping his volume controlled from their close vicinity, though half of the time was spent looking into Zam’s eyes whilst the other half was spent looking at her lips, trying to find a healthy balance between the two.
Now, Zam would be a liar to say she hadn’t been doing the same. Of course, she listened to every word, clinging onto each one and hoping they stick with her, hoping they act as a wet blanket over the fires of her paranoid thoughts, and she was fine with simply hoping that those words were true.
It took a few seconds before Zam leant in, tilting his head ever so slightly aside as he noted the small hitch in Derapchu’s breath, curling his lips up into a small smile before finally closing that gap that lingered between them for far too long. Originally, it was going to be something of a light peck, but with the way Derap’s heart had skipped a few beats and how his body had frozen up on him, Zam had pulled away and taken a breath, about to ask something of an ‘are you okay?’ or ‘should i not have done that?’
Every word that almost fell from his mouth was quickly stolen away by lips pressing back against his, one hand falling from her face to take her by the waist and pull her slightly closer, meanwhile the other stay in its place against her cheek. Zam hummed into it in response, eyes fluttering shut as she brought her flesh hand up and around his head to run gentle fingers through brunette hair, those same fingers occasionally massaging into his scalp which did all sorts of things to Derap’s heart.
Given the circumstance, there were definitely better things they could be doing, but there was nothing more Zam wanted in that moment than to be kissed stupid by her partner, and it seemed as though the partner in question wanted the same.
Soft fingers teased and combed through his hair, making their way up from the nape of his neck to the back of his head, then rising up to the top of his head before finding most comfort in their second spot behind his head, fingertips pressing gently against the scalp whilst the metallic prosthetic stayed in its position on his shoulder.
Derapchu was admittedly not the most experienced when it came to actually kissing someone, he’d done it a few times but those were always a peck on the lips or cheek, never something like this. He’d managed to make it this far and there was no way on earth he’d let an opportunity like this go to waste, experience or not.
The rabbit-hybrid carefully ran his thumb over Zam’s cheekbone, reveling in the pleasant exhale he'd gotten in response to that. One thing, however, was he wasn't exactly sure what to do with his other hand, it was already foreign enough land to him to kiss someone so seriously, let alone know what actions should accompany kissing someone.
There was a moment of remaining just like that, happy and content in the position and situation that they were until Zam pulled back first, not far enough away that he felt like there was too much distance, but not close enough, either.
“Thank you, and I’m sorry.” Zam had tilted his head down ever so slightly during his apology, but was quickly brought into another kiss before he could utter out another word of apology or self loathing or anything of the sort.
It was quick, just something to quieten her from her mind and her thoughts, but Derap thought that would be enough as he pulled back before resting his forehead against Zam’s. “Don't apologise, alright? I signed up for this, I signed up for you.”
Zam’s eyes remained closed as he grew comfortable in Derap’s space, humming a small ‘mmhm’ as a half-response to what Derap had said, not dismissing but simply not having the words to say.
“Now, let’s go get you some gear, some armour, tools, gaps, then we can talk about fighting Flame, yeah?” Derap had gone back to his usual tone of voice, something Zam had grown to love to hear. Sure, their sincere and personal moments were nice, but Zam liked it when Derap was himself.
“Yeah. Yeah- okay.” Zam brought his prosthetic arm back by his side, but his flesh hand remained tangled into Derapchu’s, neither of the two mentioning nor bringing attention to it.