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1.
Sonny has been working with Barba for three months, when an important witness comes in for court prep with a toddler in her arms.
“I don’t have anyone to watch him,” she apologizes, and Sonny can see the fight in Rafael. Probably between his apparent dislike – Sonny isn’t sure if that’s the right word, but that’s the only thing that comes to mind – for kids and compassionate understanding for the circumstances. So Carisi takes the toddler, with the witness’s permission of course, sparing Barba the torturous decision of what to do with the little human.
“I am Detective Carisi, but you can call me Sonny!” he says cheerfully and leaves, feeling Barba’s grateful gaze on his back.
They didn’t have the best first meeting – what with Carisi going all lawyer-y, when he still isn’t one and then proceeding to give advice to an actual prosecutor, nobody likes it when someone less qualified tries to step on their turf. However now that they have worked together for some time, Sonny would like to think that Barba’s opinion of him changed for the better. He toned down on his advising, while Rafael started letting him watch the lawyer-y stuff, like witness prep. Those are definitely steps in the right direction – what that direction is Carisi isn’t entirely sure, though he has an idea.
He bids goodbye to the toddler and thinks over whether he is allowed to stay and ask how it went, or he should go now, when Barba makes the decision for him.
“So,” he says, sitting at his desk and motioning for Carisi to close the door. “Do you use a childhood nickname for every meeting outside work or only for kids?”
Sonny frowns. “What are you talking about?..”
“You told the kid to call you Sonny.”
“Oh! I actually ask everyone to call me that, though no one does,” Carisi explains offhandedly and sits down in the visitor’s chair.
Barba shuts the files in his hand closed and throws them aside. “No, you don’t,” he says resolutely, as if there was a question. “You never asked me to call you anything.”
“I… didn’t have a chance to?”
Barba cocks his head like a puppy, who’s trying to make sense of the words. Did he really not remember?
“Our first meeting was more like Sarge saying, ‘This is my new empathic detective Carisi, and this is ADA Barba’, to which you replied ‘Oh, the one who promised T Nonimmigrant status to the victim?’, and that was it.”
Barba’s eyes clear. “Oh,” he says, straightening in his chair. “Would you uhm… Would you have asked me otherwise?”
“I ask everyone,” Carisi says, not actually replying. He’s spent an embarrassing amount of time imagining his name in Barba’s voice, so he’s not about to make his wet dreams reality.
Barba hums and hands him a folder, “Give this to your Sargeant, would you?” Carisi nods and stands to leave, before Rafael’s voice reaches him just as he’s about to walk out the door. “Have a good day, Sonny.”
His heart stops and restarts again, suddenly feeling completely new, as if it has been dunked into holy water, healed from every little hurt and cleaned from all barely visible smudges of darkness. Barba doesn’t even look up, completely unaware of the reaction he caused with one simple choice.
Sonny smiles softly. “You too, Counsellor.”
Days later Sonny is about to knock on the Sargeant’s door, files in hand, when a familiar voice from inside the office stops him.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me Detective Carisi goes by Sonny?” Barba asks with so much passion, Sonny swears he can feel the impact of the words on his skin.
“Because it’s not important?..” Benson’s tone is a lot more casual, if not bored and just a little bit intrigued.
“What do you mean ‘not important’? That’s his name.”
The sun has long past hid away, and the squad room is empty, which means there is nobody around to catch him eavesdropping. The blinds are closed too, so Sonny makes himself comfortable, deathly curious about this conversation.
“Okay,” there is a distinct clink of a bottle meeting a glass – he heard that Benson and Barba sometimes sit down for a drink after a long day but was never a witness to this ritual. The situation becomes even more interesting. “Better question. Why is it so important to you?”
Sonny would love to know as well.
“I- Of course, it’s important!”
“I didn’t ask whether it was important, Rafa, I asked why.”
“Not to sound redundant, but it’s the man’s name.”
Benson’s tone turns teasing. “And since when do you care about Carisi so much?”
“I- I don’t-” Barba flounders for words, and isn’t that something? Sonny would give everything to see that in person. “It’s basic decency to call a person the way they asked you to. Nothing more.”
“Uhuh,” there is an audible smirk in the small sound.
“Do not uhuh me, Olivia Benson.”
“Sure. So while we are on the topic of your basic decency towards my detective-”
“While we are on the topic of inappropriate insinuations, how’s Rollins?”
There is a cough and a sharp intake of air. Sonny also feels like he was punched straight into his chest. Benson and Rollins? As in together? Carisi wishes he had some popcorn with him, this is the most entertaining evening he’s had in months.
“I feel like I should have a comeback for that,” Benson says calmly, way too calmly, which means she is totally not calm. “But I don’t.”
“Uhuh.”
“Wipe that grin, Rafa.”
“Sure.”
Silence settles over the room, and as much as Sonny is enjoying this little show, there has to be a line. Which he conveniently stepped over – but that was only because they were talking about him! Now the topic seems to have changed so there is no reason for him to-
“Carisi isn’t mad at us for not calling him ‘Sonny’, Rafa,” Benson speaks up gently, like she’s trying to explain a foreign concept to a kid.
“How do you know?”
“Because it’s really not that important,” it’s quiet for way too long, before she continues. “It’s not that he wants to be constantly called Sonny, it’s that if you want to use first name, you should use Sonny instead of Dominick.”
“Oh,” Barba sounds uncertain, maybe even a bit disappointed? But why would he be disappointed? “No one calls him Dominick here, though, do they?”
“Not that I heard, no.”
“Because that would be disrespectful.”
“Rafa…”
“…it’s not that important for you people, huh.”
A chair scratches against the floor, and steps move a bit before settling down. Benson’s voice is just a bit closer now.
“You are a part of us people, Rafa.”
“Am I though?” the words are muffled, as if Barba is hiding his face in his arms.
“Social norms are weird and confusing, no matter what.”
Okay, now Carisi is definitely overstepping. He takes a step back, raising his hand to knock before thinking better of it. The moment on the other side of the wall feels personal, intimate, and the files can wait until morning, so he walks away, trying to banish the ending of the conversation from his mind. The last words keep spinning in his head – ‘part of us people’ what people? – but it’s something he shouldn’t have been privy to in the first place.
Hopefully one day Sonny will be granted the opportunity to know.
2.
They are almost at the courthouse when Sonny suddenly changes his course to stop by the coffee shop. Rollins rolls her eyes.
“Haven’t you had enough caffeine to last your entire life?” She asks, mentally nodding back to almost a pot of coffee he drank at the station.
Sonny has indeed had enough, since he can still feel the echo in his heartbeat. “It’s not for me,” is all he says.
He orders a chocolate hazel latte, not caramel hazel, since he is pretty sure Barba gave that one away to his assistant. Sonny is well aware he is literally experimenting on Rafael, but his little mental Rafael Barba book has some really interesting entries. For instance, caramel baked goods are a go most of the time, with salted caramel being randomly okay or passed over. Caramel lattes are usually welcome, apart from that caramel hazel incident, while chocolate hazel sweets are always a good choice. Mint was a surprise, and Carisi is pretty sure he once saw a purplish glint in Barba’s coffee, which must have been lavender. He thought it was plum at first, but the plum croissant was ignored so hard Sonny was sure it was about to disintegrate.
Sonny places the order and steps away to wait, feeling Amanda’s gaze burning him to the core.
“How did you do it?”
“Do what?” he asks in return, scanning the shop’s menu for any more purple syrups.
“Tame Barba?”
Sonny turns to look at her. “What?”
“Did you put out coffee like you do with homeless cats?” she inquires, lost in thought.
“I’m pretty sure you don’t give street cats coffee.”
She continues, not even acknowledging the interruption. “No, me and Amaro tried it, and he always recoiled from it like it’s poisoned.”
“Did you bring him straight black coffee from the cart?” Rollins nods, and Sonny nods back. “That’s your problem.”
Amanda frowns. “I swear I saw him buy cups there.”
“Yeah, I still have no idea what’s up with that,” Sonny mutters. That’s a big question mark in his book, the cart coffee having no apparent rhyme nor reason. “Anyway, chocolate hazel seems like a safe bet, so we should be okay, I think.”
“We will be okay even if you bring him trash sludge,” Rollins says and gets a stunned look in response. “What? I’m pretty sure the only reason why he’s okay with your coffee is because it’s you who brings it.”
Sonny huffs. “There were occasions when he did not drink it.”
“Nope, he didn’t,” she agrees. “But he still takes it – what’s with that, by the way?”
The barista calls out his order, so Sonny steps away to take it, making sure to smile and thank him. They step out into the street, when Carisi comes back to their conversation.
“What’s with what?”
“Right, you wouldn’t know,” Rollins looks thoughtful. “In the beginning he would always tell us to put things on the table and only then pick it up. He’s better now but still sometimes makes sure to not touch. With you, though?” Amanda looks up at him, intrigue smirking from her eyes. “He always takes things from your hands. And don’t get me started on the lingering.”
Sonny’s steps falter. “Wait, are you saying that-”
“That it looks awful lot like flirting?” Amanda stops too, as if she only realized it all. “That’s why I always feel nauseas at the two of you. And the whole taming thing is understandable now, how did I not see it earlier?”
Sonny swallows the implications. He was too anxious to look into those much, too afraid of his own feelings clouding his judgement. But now that someone else is aware of it too?
“No, I meant the touch thingy,” he says instead, still stuck at that moment. “You think he has touch aversion?”
Rollins starts walking again and shrugs. “To be honest, we just thought he was an asshole,” at Carisi’s indignant look she explains. “We don’t now, but the first impression? Definitely a douchebag. And then he kept fighting alongside us, and his behavior just moved into the strange quirks category. Whatever it is, he never shies away from your attention, y’know.”
Sonny nods. His Rafael Barba book just got a lot of new hints, but somehow he is even more lost.
3.
Amaro sighs. “I understand that it’s all new and cheesy, but, Counsellor, can you please stop looking at Carisi like he’s the Sun?”
Sonny looks up from his paperwork and barely catches Rafael’s eyes, as he turns away to glare at Amaro. Nick is right about ‘new and cheesy’, they are in the honeymoon period of their relationship, when the novelty is still here, and everything has a slight tint of pink. However if Sonny learned anything, it’s that Rafael is not that good about showing feelings in public, so this comment from Amaro might lead them to a dangerous territory.
Rafael, though, doesn’t look ashamed, only confused and a bit defensive.
“What? I don’t do that.”
“Counsellor,” Fin butts in from his desk. “You two already disclosed, there is no need to deny any allegations.”
Barba’s confusion grows tenfold. “I- I’m not denying anything?”
Fin and Amaro share a look, while Rafael keeps looking between the two of them, clearly lost. Sonny’s paperwork lays forgotten on his desk, his thoughts racing.
“Barba, it’s cute and all,” Nick speaks up again. “Just maybe tone it down a bit?”
“Why would it be cute?” Rafael asks, and his puzzlement is contagious, apparently, what with Sonny falling into it too.
Amaro fumbles with words. “Because you have so many feelings you can’t contain them?”
Rafael blinks. He opens his mouth and closes it again, trying to make sense of the situation. In the end, he shakes his head and answers resolutely. “If I ever look at anyone like they are the Sun, it’s you and Rollins.”
Confusion settles across the entirety of the squad room. Sonny wouldn’t be surprised by a random tumbleweed going through the bullpen at this exact moment.
“Why would you look at those two this way?” Fin asks with a frown, getting a solidary nod from Amaro.
“Why would I look at Sonny this way?” Rafael replies timidly, his eyes betraying something that resembles sadness and shame.
The silence is so loud, it’s almost deafening. The four of them keep looking at each other, all lost.
Sonny can see that this situation is not about Rafael being embarrassed at being caught – he would have replied with scathing sarcasm and biting comments if that was the case. They stumbled at a broken bridge – if there ever was one – over this chasm of misunderstanding with Rafael on one side and the three of them on the other.
The spell is lifted only when Benson and Rollins come into the squad room.
“So, the victim is still at the- what’s going on?” Rollins stops. The confusion must be palpable at this point, and Sonny still hasn’t said a single word.
Fin clears his throat. “I think… we got lost in translation or something.”
“What translation?” Rafael mutters under his breath, catching Benson’s attention. She takes a sip from her coffee cup and comes closer to the man, her expression carefully neutral.
“What happened?” she asks, throwing a look at everyone else. Sonny feels like a chastised kid in front of another kid’s parent – Fin and Nick do too, apparently, since they both look away.
“Amaro told Raf- I mean, the Counsellor to stop looking at me like I’m the Sun?” Carisi tries and fails to sound sure, letting out a question instead.
Rollins falls victim to the confusion too, while Benson- oh, thank God, she seems to understand where the problem is buried! She sits down next to Rafael, all gentle patience, which Sonny has seen before. No, has heard before.
“How would you look at the Sun, Rafa?” she asks, the only person who is allowed to be this soft with Barba. Sonny feels envious for a second before dismissing it. They have been friends long before Carisi appeared in their lives, of course Olivia has best friend privileges! Sonny promises himself he would do anything to get boyfriend benefits before hopefully upgrading to a husband plan.
“Like it’s a nuisance?” Rafael says, his attention now focused on Benson. “It’s blinding and frustrating, can cause incidents- oh.”
Benson nods and gives her coffee to Rafael, who actually has his own cup, curtesy of Sonny – and lavender is a hundred percent best reaction he’s had yet – but takes a sip anyway, as if trying to busy himself with anything.
“Yeah, usually when people say ‘like someone is the Sun’, they mean with love and amazement,” Benson explains, gently squeezing Barba’s shoulder.
Everyone is quiet. Sonny finally realizes the reason for the embarrassment – Rafael thought his looks were perceived as full of irritation and anger, when it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Sonny’s heart melts. He definitely wants all the perks of being Barba’s boyfriend, especially understanding his brain in the way Benson has learned to anticipate.
Suddenly Fin bursts out laughing, ripping everyone out of their musings. In less than a second Sonny sees the change in Barba and Benson – his defenses fly up, completely closing him off from the rest of the world, while her gaze fills with righteous anger.
“What’s so funny?” Sonny asks before either of those two can, his own emotions feeling dark and protective.
Fin opens his mouth, but only more laughter comes out. He takes a deep breath before replying. “Barba basically called Amaro and Rollins a nuisance,” he manages before being lost to his amusement once more.
Sonny promptly joins Fin with his own chuckles, while Benson and Amanda share a dumbfounded look, not knowing how that happened. Rafael’s shackles fall, revealing a tiny bit of embarrassment mostly covered by his usual cocky behavior, and Amaro lets out an indignant ‘Hey!’’.
In the end Rafael smirks. “I might have said something about looking at Amaro and Rollins like they are the Sun.”
Amanda opens and shuts her mouth like a stranded fish, trying to come up with something, while Benson rolls her eyes. When Fin starts crying, Rafael stands up to leave. Sonny, catching the movement, stands up too to walk him out. They walk close enough that their fingers touch with every step, but no one takes it further, aware of the coworkers around them. As they wait for the elevator, Sonny finally speaks up.
“How would you describe you look at me?”
Rafael’s cheeks get a slide shade of red, but his voice is strong, and his eyes are certain.
“Like you are one of the best things to happen to me,” he says and promptly steps into the elevator, leaving a flustered Sonny to deal with butthurt Amaro and Rollins. But it’s worth this conversation, he thinks, feeling like Rafael ignited a fireplace of love inside of him.
4.
“What do you think you are doing?!” Rafael almost shouts, which makes Sonny flinch so hard he almost loses the grip on the carton.
“I’m… pouring milk into my cereal?” he asks uncertainly. Did he step over some kind of line by simply making breakfast out of Barba’s limited supply of food? The fridge is almost empty, safe for some long-expired produce and takeout – Sonny’s been making a dent in those, at least, finally providing Rafael with homemade meals including meat! Because apparently raw meat texture is heathen, which means Barba can’t cook it himself. The only reason there is always not expired milk in the fridge is Rafael’s constant need for coffee – cereal were bought by Sonny himself after the third time he stayed over and had to go to the shop to get groceries to make breakfast for the two of them.
Rafael puts his mug on the counter so hard the coffee sloshes onto the surface. He steps closer and takes Sonny’s bowl to show him. “Into your cereal? Do you see any cereal in there?”
Oh. That’s the line.
“Are you…” Carisi starts, trying to choose his words carefully. “One of those people who have a very strong opinion on milk and cereal debate?”
“One of those- No! I am one of the sane people, who understand that sometimes there is a right and wrong way to do things, and putting milk before-”
The pause is so abrupt Barba might have been switched off. His face falls and he suddenly resembles a little kid, terrified of having screwed up. Sonny is so thrown off by the change that he doesn’t know what to do.
Rafael swallows. “I just went on a rant about something normal people don’t care about, didn’t I?” Oh again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… To do that.”
Sonny puts down the milk and turns to face Rafael fully, thinking back to how Benson usually handles such situations, but coming up empty. He should have his own way anyway, shouldn’t he? Being the boyfriend? “Why is cereal then milk the right way?” is what he settles on.
“I said I’m sorry,” the words turn defensive, though still on the quieter side, like a child trying to stand up for themselves without drawing any more unwanted attention. “No need to make fun of me.”
“Okay, have you known me to make fun of something like this?” Carisi watches Rafael shake his head and nods. “Yeah. I’m not makin’ fun of you, doll, I’m asking because I’m interested. I’ve never had an opinion on this, so I usually start with whatever’s closer.”
Rafael twitches as if he was about to tell Sonny how wrong he is but stopped himself at the last moment. They stand in the kitchen, with Sonny’s milk going warm and Rafael’s coffee cold.
“First of all,” Barba starts carefully, still quiet. “It’s hard to see how much cereal you pour into the bowl when the view is obscured by milk, it allows for better portion control,” Seeing Sonny’s intent look, Barba’s voice grows stronger, more like the man Sonny has fallen in love with. If making Rafael happy means listening to his rants about the cereal debate, then Carisi would gladly do so for the rest of his life. “Secondly the milk won’t splash around, which means less of clean-up. Thirdly by the time you are done with all the pouring, the cereal gets appropriately wet but not soggy.”
Sonny is stunned for a second. “That… actually makes a lot of sense. Should’ve known you have a detailed analysis on the matter, you wouldn’t have such a strong opinion otherwise.”
Rafael looks torn, trying to understand if this is sarcasm, but, again, Carisi would never make fun of him. At least Sonny would like to believe that Rafael knows this. To show his true intentions Sonny takes the cereal and pours some, follows those with milk and starts munching before speaking up.
“Y’know, you are right. As always, so it shouldn’t even be a surprise at this point. Appropriately wet, but not soggy.”
Carisi smiles and finally gets a bashful one in return. Now that’s a lot better – a smiling Rafael drinking his morning coffee and looking at Sonny as if the latter hang up the Sun, Moon and stars all by himself.
If one early morning shift Sonny starts a cereal war with Rollins in the breakroom, when Amanda starts with milk? Well, that’s just the casualty of love.
5.
Rafael had already moved some of his clothing so by the time Sonny comes by with an actual bag, Rafael simply talks him through where everything is supposed to go.
“Here are some hangers, your space is on the right,” he points to the empty space next to his squished suits and shirts. The simple fact of Rafael making space for Sonny in his apartment, his sacred space is so heartwarming his whole body is tingling. Barba moves on, “This is the socks drawer.”
Sonny thinks of his own drawer, messy and unorganized, while the one in front of him is full of color coordinated rolled garments. Probably length coordinated too. He should tidy up his entire apartment before Rafael comes over with his own bag and collapses from seeing that confusing and unfamiliar chaos – since, apparently, Barba is okay with existing in particular kind of disarray where he placed everything himself and knows exactly where everything is located, unlike Carisi who gets lost in his own apartment.
“And here goes the underwear.”
Sonny takes note of the layout, when one particular pair catches his eyes.
“Then-”
“Is that Amaro’s?”
Rafael stops in his tracks. “What?”
“That looks like Amaro’s underwear,” Carisi points at the red pair in the corner of the drawer with his chin. Rafael cocks his head at the clothing.
“Huh,” he leans over to take it out and inspects it in his hands. “Indeed. I definitely wouldn’t have bought anything like this myself.”
“So you have Amaro’s underwear,” Sonny nods resolutely, still lost in Barba’s lack of reaction or explanation. “Good to know.”
“Yeah. Then there is-”
Sonny can’t hold the question any longer. “Why do you have Amaro’s underwear in your drawer?”
“I must’ve taken it by accident,” Rafael looks at him thoughtfully, a twinkle of mischief in his green eyes. “Or stolen it if Officer Carisi wants to show me the repercussions of unlawfully taking someone else’s possessions.”
The fantasy is certainly enticing, they should definitely come back to it when they are not faced with the ghost of Amaro’s clothes.
Rafael must not realize that Sonny’s mind is plagued with the unexpected appearance of this particular undergarment. Sonny should be more forward with his questioning.
“Table that,” he says to show that he liked the idea. “But your boyfriend Sonny would like to know why you have another man’s underwear.”
Barba looks away. “Oh, it’s weird?”
“Most people would think so, yes. However I know that you are not cheating on me-”
“What?! Of course not!”
“-with Amaro of all people nonetheless, so…” Sonny turns Rafael to face him, putting his hands on Rafael’s waist and tracing circles with his fingers. “I’m not worried about that, doll. I’m just stuck wondering why.”
“Like when I can’t stop browsing every available source when I’m hit with the need to know the differences between jaywalking prosecution in different countries?”
That was a particularly interesting thing to come home to – Rafael on Sonny’s couch, deeply engrossed in his research, simply starting in on his topic of the day without even looking up. Apparently, in Russia jaywalking is fined with 500 rubles, which amounts to roughly 6 dollars, but isn’t even frowned upon. Sonny doesn’t know why he remembered that, probably because Rafael was so enthusiastic about it.
Sonny lets out a small smile. “Yeah, exactly. It’s not that important, but I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Are you saying jaywalking prosecution is not important?” Rafael frowns at him, but his eyes hold amusement, which lets Sonny shake his head minutely. “At least you are not a traffic cop anymore. Anyway, I think I used my pair to wipe us down, so I took his and never gave it back. I’m not going anywhere without underwear.”
“Yeah, that makes sense-” Suddenly the reality of the words strike him. “Wait, what do you mean you used your underwear to wipe you – multiple you – down?”
Rafael rolls his eyes. “You didn’t think I was celibate before you?”
“Of course not! Just- Amaro?”
“We needed to let some steam out, it was never serious,” Barba answers with a shrug. “Just a couple of one-night stands. And apparently Rollins was onto something.”
Sonny nods, filing that information away. “Yeah, okay- wait, Rollins?”
“You didn’t know? Maybe it was before you came to Manhattan, I’m not sure.”
Rollins and Amaro, Barba and Amaro, Rollins and Benson. Did everyone sleep with everyone in his squad? What about Fin?
“And you kept… a souvenir?”
“I washed it, obviously.”
“Obviously,” Sonny repeats dumbly. What an evening of revelations.
Rafael leans back to catch his eyes once more. “Is that a problem?”
Is it? Carisi takes a second to think it over and realize – not at all.
“No,” he says, leaving a kiss on Rafael’s nose. “It’s just a piece of fabric unless we give it meaning, right?”
Rafael lets out an agreeing sound and turns back to the dresser. “As I was trying to say, this is-” he stops suddenly, swirling back to look at Sonny. “Wait. How do you know what Amaro’s underwear looks like?”
Sonny feels his eyes start running around the room, trying to find something to change the topic. Rafael keeps looking at him, unmoving in his own confusion.
“No comment?” Sonny says with abashed smile.
So what about Fin?
+1.
The only court appearance of Rafael’s Sonny has missed in a while turns out to be a – quote – shitshow. Figures.
He was at the precinct, doing his stagnated paperwork, when his phone broke out with a panicked call from Benson. Something about the defense derailing Barba’s whole strategy, then undermining the eyewitness, letting them all marinate in all the ways it went wrong over the lunch and finishing it off with an explosive performance of the defendant screaming at everyone and everything, ensuing the victim’s father to shout back, which made the whole courtroom erupt in loud chaos, only broken apart by the sound of the judge’s gavel.
“Absolute shitshow,” Benson swore, which is so uncharacteristic of her Sonny’s breath stutters. Her voice is full of best friend worry, making Sonny’s boyfriend sense move from tingling to full-out punching him in the face. “Your paperwork can wait. Take the rest of the day off and get here.”
He is not talking to Lieutenant Benson right now, but Liv, Rafa’s best friend. The notion is warming Sonny’s heart even if the rest of him is in anxious shudder.
“And here is?”
“I brought Rafa back to his office, but he shut me out.”
Sonny stops in his tracks, his hand with the laptop stilling in the air. “Wh- and you want me to come?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Olivia asks in suspicion.
“Well- you know him longer than I do!” Carisi goes back packing despite his insecurities, the phone held between his shoulder and ear. “If he shut you out, then what am I supposed to do?”
“Be his boyfriend,” Olivia says without thinking. “Be yourself.”
The fear of making the wrong choice, taking the wrong step is making him question her still, even though he’s already exiting the bullpen. “You know him better!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. There are things you let only your partner know. Stop doubting yourself and get here.”
That’s how Sonny finds himself powerwalking towards Rafael’s office, stuck planning and overthinking, quietly drowning in his own mind. Obviously he now has experience with Rafael and the way his brain works – different from everyone else, which sometimes throws everyone for a loop, but Sonny actually likes it, likes the unpredictability, the possibility to reevaluate his own views and take a look at the world from another angle. However he only been witness to two cases when that beautiful mind turned against its owner in the worst of ways, caging him in too small of a body that is being wrecked apart from the inside.
Sonny makes the last turn and takes a quick note of closed window blinds and somber Carmen behind her desk. She pointedly does not look towards Rafael’s office, and that’s all Sonny needs to know. He didn’t ride with the siren on for nothing, this situation certainly required such drastic measures to cut the already not long ride almost in half.
Carisi gives Carmen a tiny grateful nod – not that there’s something exemplary she has done today, she simply deserves gratitude all the time – and knocks twice on the door as lightly as possible. If his suspicions are right, Sonny would hate to add more unnecessary stimuli, but barging in without acknowledging the impending danger – everything in this state is classified as danger in Barba’s tortured brain – would only make it all worse. Sonny doesn’t wait for an answer as there probably won’t be one and quickly walks in, closing the door behind himself.
“Oh, doll,” falls from his tongue in a sad whisper.
Rafael is sitting on the floor with his back pressed to the couch, hugging his knees and swaying lightly. He’s lost the suit jacket and rolled the sleeves of the shirt. From his vantage point Sonny can see clearly where Rafael’s fingers have broken skin and keep scratching, bringing out more blood. Rafael doesn’t react.
Fuck, Sonny has never seen it become this bad – though Benson probably hasn’t either, what with the way Barba hates to be perceived as vulnerable. Sonny feels the panic rise and swiftly pushes it as far down as it will go. All the sites he’s read said that staying calm is the most important thing- wait, the sites! Sonny has read everything he could find, so that he wouldn’t be left afloat in the most crucial moment!
Carisi thinks back to the instructions and looks around. There are no blinds on the windows, therefore no way to block out the light. The doors tone the sounds down well enough, which will have to do. Lights, sounds, what else? Sonny doesn’t find anything he can take control over, so he moves his attention back to Rafael, zeroing in on the nails still digging into the skin. He should take care of that now.
Sonny steps carefully, telegraphing his actions. “Hey, Rafi,” he whispers, moving closer, overthinking his options. Rafael seems to finally register him and lets out a pitiful whine, not raising his head from where it’s hidden away. Sonny’s heart is breaking apart under the weight of Barba’s pain. “It’s just me, nobody-”
Rafael flinches, and Sonny stops breathing. Is he making this all worse? Though Rafael has stopped swaying, which usually means he stopped needing the movement to keep himself grounded.
“Should I stop talking?” he asks at last and feels relief at Barba’s small shake of the head. “Okay. Okay.”
Usually when he sees Rafael’s fingers straying to that spot near the elbow, Sonny takes him by hand, intertwining their fingers and brushing his thumb across the skin. But Carisi also has read so much about not touching the person in distress- that’s where he’s wrong! Rafael isn’t just any person. He finds comfort in Sonny – in his arm brushing Rafael’s when they walk, in his shoulder pressing close when they sit side by side, in his chest when they lay together, in his touch period.
Sonny kneels in front of Rafael, carefully taking his hand, frozen between a cheer that Rafael is letting him do this and agony at the red stained fingers and caked blood under the nails. Instead he takes a hold of Barba’s wrist, squeezing tightly, though mindful of not crossing the line into too strong. The pressure is helping Rafael recenter himself, and pain stimulus is obviously effective, no doubt, but harmful nonetheless if left uncontrolled.
Rafael looks up, his eyes barely visible from their hiding place, and the unshed tears bring out companions for themselves in Sonny’s own.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Sonny whispers again, getting comfortable on the floor. What can he even say? How are you? How’s your day been? Fucking awful, thanks for asking! “The weather’s nice today, huh?”
Rafael’s eyebrows rise in astonishment. Yeah, that’s an appropriate reaction to Carisi talking about weather out of all things.
“Sorry, that’s- I don’t know why I said that,” he backtracks, eyeing the broken skin, but coming back to Rafael’s face. “I’m feeling a bit lost, I guess. Just like you,” the realization of what he just said hits Sonny in the ribs. “Not that this is comparable! God, it’s not, I didn’t mean to diminish your struggles, you obviously have it worse- Not that you have it worse- well, you do, but I didn’t mean-”
His endless stutter over words is broken by a small huff that would probably have grown into a laugh if it was born in different circumstances.
“Glad at least one of us is finding my struggles amusing,” he says in relief, reassured that he hasn’t screwed up too much. Rafael uncurls from his position – a flower blooming into full growth – and Sonny gives him the biggest smile he can manage. “Hi. Again.”
The corner of Rafael’s mouth twitches upwards. Sonny deems it the best gift he could receive today. Rafael moves gingerly – his whole body must be pretty cramped at this point – and leans towards Carisi, who lets go of the wrist to move Barba into his lap. Rafael hides his face in the crook of the neck, breathing deeply, so Sonny leaves a kiss on his temple.
“Bella sent me more photos of Rosa today,” Sonny hugs him tightly, still aware of the need for pressure. “They went for a walk, and apparently Rosa saw a fascinating pigeon.”
He keeps talking about his youngest niece – the first topic that came up in his head – feeling Rafael relax further against him, melting into the skin and words. Rafael’s grip slowly but steadily loosens too.
Sonny isn’t sure how long they sit there until Rafael speaks up.
“I’m sorry,” his lips graze against the skin, causing goosebumps to appear.
“You have nothing to apologize for, doll,” Sonny replies, but Rafael wasn’t done.
“You had to drop everything and run to me because my brain got a little overwhelmed at hearing too much, of course I have something to apologize for.”
Carisi should’ve known this shame fest would start the moment Rafael starts feeling better.
“I certainly don’t like that your brain tortures you like this,” he says quietly, trying not to let the sadness take a hold of him and leans back just a tad to establish eye contact. “But it’s still a part of you. So I don’t care how many times this happens – obviously, I would prefer as little as possible, but I’ll take what I can get, okay? Because I want to be with you. No matter how differently your brain works compared to mine. I’ll come running whenever you need me, with stories about my niece and pigeons and-” one of his hands goes away to trace just underneath the scratch. “-bandages.”
“It’s fine-”
“It’s not, but that’s okay,” Sonny interrupts, his eyes still on the scratch, thinking whether Carmen has an actual first aid kit or that awful obligatory thing that doesn’t actually have useful supplies. “We’ll get through it, right?”
Rafael falls back into Sonny’s chest, hugging tight. There is a suspicious wet patch growing right under Barba’s face, so Sonny puts his hand in Rafael’s hair, scratching lightly, just the way Rafael likes.
Rafael is no any person, this is Sonny’s Rafi, a beautiful man with a beautiful – if sometimes aggressively harmful to itself – brain. They will get through it, there’s no doubt in Sonny’s mind, not after he successfully waded this storm.