Chapter Text
They were all gathered around Charlie’s crib, watching his little chest rise and fall with his breaths. Lily tilted her head, smiling softly to herself. Behind her, Tommy pressed himself in close, wrapping his arms around her waist.
“You and I could have one sometime, if you ever wanted,” he murmured in her ear, palm splaying out across her lower abdomen while he kissed her shoulder. Lily felt the beginnings of a lump forming in her throat, blinking hard. Not trusting her voice to not betray her, she simply turned her head and kissed him, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the way that she tensed slightly in his arms.
She had known, deep down, that her secret was going to have to come out sooner or later. Ever since Charlie had been born, both of her lovers began to drop gentle hints to her regarding the possibility of her and Tommy having a baby. A part of her sensed that they were trying to ensure that she didn’t feel left out.
Of course, they couldn't know that their gentle suggestions were accomplishing little more than to make her feel worse.
* * *
Grace watched Lily lift Charlie high in the air, grinning at the way that the baby shrieked in delight, little arms flapping through the air as if he were trying to fly. Lily laughed, pulling him back in close to her chest, blowing a raspberry into his cheek that made him giggle.
It warmed her heart to see them together. At just how good Lily was with him. Not that she had ever really been worried that she wouldn’t be.
But there was something that was worrying Grace. Quick, brief little observations that had been piling up to leave her frowning as she tried to puzzle them all together.
She and Tommy had brought up the possibility of him and Lily having a baby on a few occasions. And every time, without fail, something seemed to crack across Lily’s face, her smile breaking for just the briefest of moments. Something that looked a lot like panic filtering onto her face to join the sadness that entered her eyes.
Grace couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Lily didn’t want children. But that made no sense, considering how she accepted Charlie with open arms. She stepped into her role as a second mother to him with enthusiasm and zero hesitation.
So maybe it was pregnancy that frightened her. That made more sense, Grace supposed. It would put a damper on her ability to fulfill some parts of her job, and she couldn’t see Lily being all too happy about that. Especially now, considering everything that was going on at the company. Perhaps their suggestions, in an attempt to ensure she wasn’t feeling excluded, had instead made her feel pressured. Especially if she wasn’t ready. But Lily was usually so forthcoming with both of them. And if she simply wasn’t ready, that was entirely fine. Hell, if she didn’t think that she would ever want to go through being pregnant, that would be alright too. It wasn’t like they were going to throw her out over it.
Surely she knew that, didn’t she?
* * *
Lily watched Grace finish feeding Charlie and put him down for his nap. The two of them hovered near the edge of the bassinet, Grace hooking her chin over Lily’s shoulder as they looked down at the sleeping baby.
“He’s getting so big,” Grace whispered. Lily hummed. Only a handful of months old, but Charlie was growing fast. He’d be a toddler before they knew it.
“Yeah, he is.”
Grace pressed a kiss to the back of her neck, pulling away to go sit down on the couch.
“Have you had any thoughts about if you and Tommy will start trying soon?” she asked, voice sly and teasing. But there was something in her eyes that was almost calculated. Like she was trying to get at something. Lily tensed before she could stop herself, swallowing roughly at the words and going to pour herself a glass of whiskey.
“I don’t know. I haven’t really talked to him about it.”
“He said that he would be up for it if you were.”
Lily picked up her glass and moved to join Grace on the couch. “You talked to him about that?”
“Only in passing. You and Tommy would make such beautiful babies.”
“Mm,” Lily made only a tiny sound in acknowledgement, staring down at her whiskey miserably. Grace seemed to take note of her reactions, looking at her with her brows furrowed.
“We’re not trying to pressure you or anything,” she added hastily. “It’s just that if we want the children to be close in age to Charlie…”
“I know.” Her hands started to tremble at the realization that the walls were closing in on her. Putting aside her glass, she twisted her fingers together, clenching them tightly in an attempt to hide her shaking. Grace was looking at her, assessing, eyes narrowed.
“Lily, if you don’t want to have children–”
“It’s not that.” Or maybe it was. She honestly wasn’t sure anymore.
“Then what is it?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Every time Tommy and I have brought up you and him having a child, you get…weird.”
“No, I don’t!” The pitch of her voice rose with the growing panic of Grace dancing closer to the edge of sniffing out her secret.
“Yes, you do,” Grace gave her a stern look. Lily made a whimpering sound and looked down at her hands. She had always known that her charade would have to come to an end sooner or later.
She just always thought she would be ready when it did.
It wasn’t the kind of thing she could hide from either of her lovers indefinitely. Especially when both seemed so keen at the idea of her getting pregnant.
They were both going to be so disappointed with her.
“It’s not possible, Grace,” she said, taking a deep breath.
“Oh, come on, now. We can make it work.” Grace smiled encouragingly, misunderstanding what she meant. “We’ll come up with some sort of lie. A cover story. And even if the kid comes out looking exactly like Tommy, no one is going to risk getting their eyes sliced out by saying something about it.”
It was deeply touching, how much she was willing to do to ensure that Lily could have a child with Tommy if she wanted to.
“No, Grace,” she said mournfully, shaking her head back and forth. “I mean…it’s not possible.”
Grace tilted her head, eyes slowly widening as she began to understand what Lily actually meant. Her lips parted, then closed again. “Are you sure?” She inched closer to her on the couch.
Lily shrugged. “That’s what the doctor said. And I’ve been regularly having sex with Tommy for years since, and nothing’s happened. So…”
“But, Tommy said that you two had a scare…”
Lily nodded. “A few months or so after we started seeing each other. I went to the doctor, and it turned out that I just had an iron deficiency. He’s the one that told me that I…can’t.”
Grace reached out to fold her fingers over hers. Lily looked down, feeling her bottom lip tremble as she blinked hard, trying to force herself not to cry.
“Oh, Lils, it’s okay.” Grace wrapped her arms around her, pulling Lily’s face into the crook of her shoulder. “Maybe that doctor was wrong.”
“Grace,” she tried to caution.
“They were wrong about me. Maybe they were wrong about you too.”
“Yeah, but in this case, we know that Tommy isn’t the problem.”
“You could get a second opinion. I know a doctor in London.”
She pulled back, raising an eyebrow. “The same doctor who was sure that it was you who was the problem when you were trying with Clive?”
Grace let out a small laugh. “No, a different one.”
“I don’t know…”
“It couldn’t hurt to go get a second opinion.”
Lily felt her face contract. There was next to no hope in her that the original prognosis had been wrong. Surely if it had been, they would have tangible proof of that by now.
No, the diagnosis was correct. She felt it in her bones.
But Grace looked so hopeful, and Lily doubted that she would drop it anytime soon, so she nodded. At the very least just to humor her. “Fine.”
Grace’s face lit up. “Okay. I’ll make an appointment and we can go down together next week.”
“Alright.”
Her face fell at the deadness in Lily’s voice, taking both her hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just assumed–”
“It’s fine.” She cleared her throat. “I should have told you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
She sniffled and closed her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t want anything to change.”
Grace cocked her head. “Why would anything change?”
“Well, I-I mean–” Lily stuttered, gesturing vaguely.
Her eyes hardened sternly. “You really think that my love is so fleeting?”
“N-no, I just…”
Grace softened, reaching out to stroke some of her hair from her face, letting the auburn locks twist around her fingers. “I remember how it felt when I thought that I couldn’t.” Her fingers curled under Lily’s chin, tilting her head up. “It’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Lily nodded silently, letting Grace hug her. Letting her go, Grace brushed her cheek delicately.
“Does Tommy know?”
She flinched at the question, turning away. “No, he doesn’t.”
Grace frowned. “You never told him?”
“No.” Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a cigarette and her lighter, breathing the smoke gratefully into her lungs once it was lit. “I always meant to…but I just kept putting it off.”
“Why?”
Sighing, she said nothing, instead swiping her thumb along the length of her cigarette, staring at the opposite wall. Grace looked down, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder in silent understanding.
“I’ll go call about that appointment.”
“Okay,” Lily said, voice small and detached, and very, very quiet.
* * *
When she came into the sitting room that evening, it was to find Tommy seated in front of the fireplace with Charlie. Holding him in his lap as they played with the little wooden animal figurines that Lily had whittled for him. Lily was laying on her side on the couch, head propped up with one arm while she watched them.
Grace wondered how she could have missed the tinge of sadness that hid beneath the happy glimmer in Lily’s eyes as she watched father and son play together. She pondered what it must feel like. If, no matter how much she loved Charlie, there was a part of her that would always feel a stab of pain and longing at seeing them together.
Worrying at her bottom lip, Grace made her way over to the couch, maneuvering around Lily until she was laying behind her, curling up against her back and wrapping her arms around her. Lily sighed, rubbing her hand along one of Grace’s forearms while the blonde hooked her chin over her shoulder. She wasn’t sure what else she could do to try to comfort her. Just holding her was the best she could think of.
But it seemed to be enough, as Lily relaxed against her, sighing. Giving her a squeeze around the waist, Grace rested her cheek against Lily’s neck, closing her eyes and breathing her in. When she opened her eyes it was to spot Tommy watching them from his seat on the floor, eyes soft and expression fond.
At first, it was baffling to her that Lily hadn’t yet told Tommy the truth. Tommy had never given even the slightest indication that he would be put off by infertility. Hell, when she told him that the doctors thought she was at fault for her and Clive’s inability to conceive, he’d been gentle and comforting in his response. Not at all judgmental or otherwise upset. It seemed obvious to Grace that he would react in kind to Lily’s diagnosis. He definitely wouldn’t blame her for it. And it wouldn’t change his feelings for her. Tommy loved Lily fiercely. It was one of the things Grace was surest of in the world.
But as she thought more about it, she began to think she understood. Insecurity could be a difficult fog to see through. And Grace was beginning to realize that Lily may have far deeper self esteem issues than she originally thought.
She hated keeping it from Tommy, but Lily clearly didn’t want to say anything to him until after the doctor’s appointment, so Grace hadn’t pushed it.
Swallowing, she shoved the thought to the back of her mind, curling in closer to Lily.
They could discuss it more once they actually had the results from the appointment.
* * *
“Tommy?”
He looked up from his desk, pen held between his fingers where he was about to scrawl his signature at the bottom of a paper. Grace was poking her head into the office, blonde waves fanning around her face.
“Do you have a minute?”
“Uhh…yeah.” He beckoned her in. “One second.” He finished signing the paper, folding it up and putting it in an envelope that he tossed aside. Putting his pen down, he clasped his hands in front of him on the desk and looked at Grace. “What is it?”
“I was wondering if I could borrow Lily on Wednesday.”
The request wasn’t particularly out of the ordinary. There were times when Lily and Grace would spend time together, just the two of them. Just like there were times when he spent time with just Grace. It seemed only fair, since he and Lily spent nearly everyday together.
“Uhh…” he dug around through the mountain of papers scattered around his desk until he found his diary, flipping through it to glance at Wednesday. “Yes, that should be fine.” He didn’t have any appointments that he needed Lily to accompany him to. Grace nodded gratefully.
“Thank you.”
Tommy eyed her carefully. “What will you two do?”
“Haven’t quite decided yet.”
He noted the way that she didn’t entirely meet his eyes. Not as good at lying as she used to be.
“We talked about going into London for the day.”
“Well, have fun.”
“Thanks,” she smiled, moving around the desk to kiss him before going back towards the door. “I’ll let you get back to work.”
Tommy narrowed his eyes. Both his girls had been acting odd for the better part of the week, and he couldn’t piece together why. Grace was constantly hovering near Lily worriedly, fingers brushing along her arm or her back while her eyes stared at her helplessly. And Lily was quieter than normal. Jittery and clearly anxious about something.
“Grace,” he called, just as her fingertips met the doorknob. He twiddled his thumbs together before sighing. “Is everything alright?”
She glanced over her shoulder at him, looking a little like a deer caught in headlights. But she recovered quickly, lips pulling into a small smile.
“Of course.”
Her attempt at reassurance did little to soothe the worry in his chest. But it didn’t seem like the time to push things. And he really did need to get back to work. So he just nodded, forcing himself to ignore the twisting concern in his gut.
“Okay.”
She seemed relieved at his dropping of the subject, and that only made his worry grow. He brought his knuckles to his lips, staring at the door she disappeared out of. His mind whirled with thoughts, all of them terrible, of what could have happened to make both of his lovers start behaving so strangely.