Chapter Text
The red in his hand mocked him as he stared down at his hand. Kazui couldn’t tell where the petal started and where the blood ended, and he didn’t have the time to either.
It was starting to get bad. At first Kazui blamed his coughing fits on his smoking habits catching up to him. But one night when Kazui woke up from a coughing fit and found a petals in his hands, he knew his fate was sealed.
He was almost angry as he looked at the new flower in his hand, as if his heart aching wasnt enough. Kazui flushed the flower down the toilet and prayed his feelings would go down with them. Though if they were that easy to throw away he wouldn’t be in this predicament. His back hit the bathroom walls with a thud as he put his head his hands.
He was fucked, utterly fucked. There was no way he could live like this but there was no way he could stop it either. It was either Kazui died or….tell him how he feels. In all honesty death sounded better. Kazui wasn’t exactly known for being open about his feelings.
“Kazui, are you alright?”
Speak of the devil. Kazui panicked as he stood up, shouting out how he was just fine as he stood up. Looking at himself in the mirror he groaned. His eyebags hung heavy and there was still blood in the corners of his mouth. Quickly rinsing his face and using his shirt to wipe it all off, he opened the door and saw the best and worst thing in his life.
Shidou, worry written all over his face as he stared at Kazui. God Kazui could look at him for hours if he was allowed. He would never get sick of that elegant man’s face, or voice, or his rare smiles.
“Are you sure? You were in there for quite a while.
“I appreciate the worry Shidou, but I’m really fine.”
Kazui shut the door behind him, hoping to hide his suffering with it. This would be fine, he would be fine, seeing and painfully loving Shidou from afar was something he could deal with. Kazui would rather have some of him than none at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though in this prison one can only be so afar and secrets can only be hidden for so long. As time passed the flowers got worse, what was once a couple petals and leaves were turning into damn near whole flowers which killed Kazui slowly.
He did his best to hide it though and despite his mind telling him otherwise, his heart always made his body find a place next to Shidou. It wasn’t that hard to find an excuse to hang out. They were the oldest men around and they got along well. That was enough for Kazui to hang out as much as he could and feel the moments of warmth that made the hours of pain so worth it.
“All things considered my first surgery went fairly well, though it still took me a while to fully calm my nerves.”
“You? Nervous? I would’ve never guessed it.”
Shidou let out a small laugh, warming Kazui’s entire body.
“Well of course I have to hide it, I’m a surgeon. Imagine going into the operation room and seeing the operator as nervous as you are.”
Shidou was everything Kazui wished he could be. Self driven, kind, honest, thing now far too out of Kazuis reach. But he pushed those feelings down and basked in the easy conversation with the other man. Drinking up his small laughs and smile.
The “intimacy” of the moment was “ruined” when Mahiru came in, her usual sunny self sunken and saddened. Shidou glanced up at the girl who was now sinking into one of the chairs.
“Mahiru, are you alright?”
Shidou questions as Mahiru lets out a deep sigh.
“I’m alright, I’m just so bored! Without my magazines I don’t know what to do.”
Mahiru seemed to sink even more in the chair before her eyes lit up, the sun coming back to her. Grabbing her chair, she inches it closer to the pair as she talked.
“You two had wives right? Tell me! What was married life like?”
Kazui felt his heart drop at the question, his marriage coming back to him in a flash. Though he quickly composed himself and gave the bright girl and easy smile.
“Well what do you want to know?”
“How was it like? Walking up every morning and seeing the love of your life?”
Kazui couldn’t answer that question truthfully if he tried. The closest he thinks he’s ever gotten to that was one day when him and his childhood friend fell asleep on his boat deck. Kazui had woken up just a couple moments before his friend to see the beautiful sunset and his resting face. How the sun enhanced every feature of his face made Kazuis heart skip a beat. His lashes looked so long and his lips were perfectly parted, Kazui had to fight himself from leaning it. Thankfully his friend woke up before Kazui could stare any longer.
“It feels like nothing else in the world matters.”
The words skipped before Kazui could catch them but thankfully they landed well.
“Aww! That’s so sweet Kazui!”
Mahiru giggled, her smile so big it’s a surprise it fits on her face. Shidou gave a nod of agreement as he spoke.
“I couldn’t have said it better myself. Seeing my wife every morning…it made everything feel so at peace.”
Every time Kazui saw his wife, he felt regret. Of course he had his moments of happiness, he did appreciate and care for her. Whenever they had date nights he really did enjoy them and her company, Kazui just had to pretend it wasn’t a date. The guilt and regret was ever present in his mind whenever they were around each other.
“She and our kids were the best gifts. Even if times were difficult I could never imagine a life without them”
Now that Kazui agreed with. Hinako was the best thing that ever happened to him. He on the other hand, was the worst.
“Mhm, me and my wife never had kids but I’m sure they were amazing.”
Mahirus ears perked up, her attention now on Kazui.
“Really? How come?”
Because if Kazui went in that deep with a woman he didn’t love, he wouldn’t be around anymore.
“Both of us were pretty focused on our careers, wasn’t in the cards for us.”
“Awww thats a shame, I think you would’ve been a great dad.”
Mahirus pouted as Shidou nodded. Despite the cool color of Shidous eyes. Kazui couldn’t help but burn up when they were on him.
“I think so as well. Maybe in another life our kids could’ve been good friends.”
Kazui imagined what that would’ve been like for a minute. Their kids playing together as the sweet summer air filled Kazuis lungs. Maybe theyd sit next to each other, maybe Kazui would have the confidence to try to hold his hand. Maybe Shidou would like it. Kazui couldn’t hide the smile that came to his face at the idea.
“Maybe!”
“Maybe our wives would’ve gotten along as well.”
The dream he had was quickly shattered as the reality of the situation was realized. In that world he’d probably still be with Hinako, dragging her down, making her miserable. Shidou would be with his wife still obviously, he’d never met the woman but if Shidou was with her she was probably perfect. Kazui could never compare.
“Maybe…”
Kazui hummed before a familiar tight feeling came in his chest. His eyes widened as he tried to clear his throat and failing. Shidous brows furrowed and Mahiru looked at him confused.
“Kazui are you alright?”
Shidou asked gently, putting a gloved hand on his shoulder. Kazui stiffened up and felt the vines creeping up his throat. He had to leave, fast. Kazui gave a polite smile, polished and practiced as he stood up.
“I’m alright, just a little light headed. I’ll just go back to my room.”
Shidou looked like he didn’t believe him, gentle eyes filled with concern, but he nodded nonetheless. God what Kazui would do to have those eyes on him forever. He gave another polite goodbye and walked till he was out of view.
Then he ran.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His head spun as he looked down at the toilet, filled with blood and flora. Kazui took a couple of ragged breaths before flowers fell out once more. Through his hazy mind, Kazui wondered what flowers Shidou liked. It was stupid he knew, the whole reason he was here was because his affection wasn’t reciprocated. Yet Kazui couldn’t help but wonder, if he cleaned up the flowers and handed them to Shidou, would he like them?
God he was fucking pathetic.
Closing the lid, Kazui rested his head on it and sighed. There was nothing but the buzzing of light in the bathroom but Kazuis mind was noisy enough to fill the space. It was ironic how the tables had turned.
At one point in his life Kazui was the one who’s lack of love killed someone, it seemed as though Karma finally came. It was a long time coming and he knew he was only feeling a fraction of what she felt. Tears started to prickle in his eyes as Kazui sobbed silently. He was so fucking pathetic. Here he was on the verge of dying over a man who could never see him as more than a friend. All while a great woman had died for the same reason. Kazui prayed that she wasn’t infected by this, that he didn’t make her hurt anymore than she already was.
Kazui flushed the toilet but still stayed in the bathroom. These trips to the bathroom were slowly taking more and more out of him and he didn’t know how many more of these he could take. Despite this, Kazui still yearned to be with Shidou. And if he was gonna die god damn it he was going to die memorizing everything he could of that doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The days went and still Kazui stuck to Shidou like glue. He tried to keep his infatuation hidden but he was hopeless. He was pretty sure Yuno had caught on and Mahiru was getting there. Kazui sighed, he hoped theyd keep it to themselves.
“Are you alright Kazui?”
Shidou asked, looking away from the kitchen cabinets. Kazui stiffened slightly before giving a reassuring smile.
“Yeah, just old man stuff.”
Shidou gave him a small smile as he pulled out the pancake mix and vanilla from the cabinet, gently setting them on the kitchen counter.
“Come now Kazui, you aren’t that old.”
He didn’t feel that way when he was with Shidou. No, he had the power to make him feel so young. Kazui let out a breathless laugh as he felt his cheeks get warm.
“Agree to disagree. But back to you, you just don’t quit huh?”
Kazui leaned on his arm as he looked at the array of ingredients that was growing on the kitchen counter. Shidou gave a gentle shrug as he pulled out a bowl and whisk.
“How can I? Children are supposed to spoil themselves with sweets yet she keeps pushing them away.”
Shidou sighed, whisking together the egg yolks and sugar to make those extra fluffy pancakes he loved to give. A shame Amane never tried them. Kazui was a little embarrassed to admit he was jealous of the small girl. What’d he’d give to have Shidou try so hard to get his attention.
Lord knows he wouldn’t have to though. Kazui would give up the world for him.
“Kazui, if you don’t mind, can you help me?”
“Don’t even have to ask.”
Kazui smiled as he got up. He walked over and whipped the egg whites and cream of tarter till it was frothy and pale while slowly adding sugar.
“Careful not to over-mix, I did that once and it utterly ruined the pancake.”
Shidou muttered in shame, giving a breathy chuckle. Kazui laughed as he nodded, following the doctor’s orders. There was a warm feeling flowing through his body as him and Shidou moved through the kitchen together, one he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt.
There was a sweet domesticity to it all. How Shidou was shoulder to shoulder with him as he poured in the egg yolk froth to the mix, how Kazui cleaned the dishes as Shidou flipped the pancakes. His parents always talked about how when he found a wife he’d never get enough of the feeling. Though he never felt this with her.
God did he wish he did.
Though Kazui pushed those feelings aside as Shidou proudly showed off the plated pancakes, perfectly stacked and cooked. The sweet aroma made Kazuis mouth water. Amane was so lucky. Shidou takes a piece of a spare pancake and those cool grey eyes light up ever so slightly.
“I think they came out better than when I do them alone.”
Shidou chuckled as he took another piece. Kazui smiled as he walked beside him, elbowing the other man gently.
“I guess that just means you and I are a good team.”
“I suppose we are.“
Shidou looked up, giving Kazui a small smile. God he felt like he was struck by cupids bow in that moment. Clearing his throat, Kazui awkwardly turned around and started to leave.
“Anyways, I think I’m going to go stretch. Can’t leave this old body alone for too long.”
Kazui joked, trying to hide the redness in his face. God he couldn’t even deal with a fucking smile? He was a grown ass man and was giggling like a teen boy over what? A smile? An appreciative compliment?
“Wait, Kazui!”
All his self lecturing was thrown out the window the second he heard the doctor. Kazui turned around and was in awe at the sight in front of him. There Shidou was, holding out a plate of pancakes topped with bananas, strawberries, and chocolate syrup. Kazui took the pancakes, examining them as Shidou talked.
“We had some leftover and I thought It’d be unfair if you couldn’t taste your hard work.”
Kazui took the fork and cut a piece of pancake, making sure to get everything before eating it. Maybe he was biased but that was the sweetest pancake he’d ever eaten. Amane was severely missing out.
“These are delicious!”
Kazui exclaimed as he got another bite, enjoying how the sweet flavors exploded in his mouth. Shidou smiled as he looked down at the plate he made for her.
“Do you think she’ll try them this time.”
Kazui frowned, fork in mouth. On one hand he wanted to agree and remove the small sad pout in the doctor’s face, on the other, Amane was pretty stubborn.
“I hope she does. But if she doesn’t, I don’t mind eating them.”
Kazui joked, hoping it’d land. Shidou looked at him for a moment before giving a small giggle.
“Maybe I should start making pancakes for you.”
“You’ll never catch me complaining.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though sweet moments like that couldn’t last forever, not with what Kazui had. Bouquet after bouquet fell from his mouth more frequently, weakening him more and more. At times it was even a struggle to go to bed, spending all night hurled over a toilet. Kazuis neck started to always be in pain no matter how much he massaged it, he always so tired no matter how much he slept, and breathing was becoming harder and harder.
Safe to say, Kazui looked like a dead man walking. Many had asked him what was wrong, giving him teas and natural remedies, none of which worked. Though he did appreciate all they did for him.
Kazui tried to take a deep breath, alone in his room, though he could only breathe in so much before his lungs felt like they were going to burst. His chest was tightening in on itself, he was so tired, exhausted even. How could he live when something as simple as breathing became harder and harder?
Kazui laid against a wall, lying down made the suffocation worse. Closing his eyes, he focused on taking short, shallow breaths. The pain slowly subsided as he opened his eyes and was greeted with a familiar face.
“Shidou?!”
Kazui exclaimed, jumping off the bed and trying to straighten himself up before the lack of oxygen reached him. Shidou gently placed his shoulders on Kazui, gently pushing him back down to the bed.
“It’s not recommended to move too much when you’re struggling with shortness of breath.”
Shidou explained calmly, cool hands rubbing circles on Kazuis back. For a moment Kazui wondered if his heart was in his throat or another carnation. Kazui closed his eyes as he sunk into the doctor’s gentle touch. Slowly the hands leave and Kazui couldn’t hide the frown on his face before Shidou sat next to him.
“I’ve heard you haven’t been feeling the best from everyone else,”
Shit.
“Is everything alright?”
No everything was not alright. Kazui was about to die all because of a stupid one sided crush. But as usual, a polite smile was all that was on his face.
“Yeah I’m fine, I think the cigarettes are catching up to me.”
Kazui coldly chuckled out as he leaned against the wall. Shidou gave a slight frown, putting his gloved hand back on Kazuis shoulder. Kazui wondered why it felt like that hand was always meant to be there.
“I know getting medical treatment is something that men commonly push away-“
“Oh Shidou-“
“ But I feel inclined to remind you that everyone needs treatment.”
Kazui wished it was that, he wished this was just a common cold that he was too stubborn to help treat. But no, this wasn’t something as small as that.
“I’m really fine-“
“I assure you nobody will judge you, we’re all worried Kazui.”
Just as he said that, a familiar pain came to Kazuis chest. His face went white, he had to leave, now . He tried to stand quickly but stumbled back down, holding onto the bed for support.
“Kazui! You have to gentle with your body!”
Shidou exclaimed as he went down, trying to help Kazui up. The stumbling man grabbed onto Shidou in a panic as he felt his chest tighten more and more, a panicked sweat coming over his face. Shidou let out a pained hiss as Kazui clung to him.
“Kazui? What’s going on?!”
Shidou asked, voice filled with worry as Kazui threw up a damn bush of carnations. The world around him was suddenly hazy and slowly going dark. Fuck, his time was up. He looked at the blood all over the doctor’s uniform. Even on the verge of death, all he can do is fuck up.
“S…sorry Shidou-“
Kazui slurred out, head hanging low as tears formed in his eyes.
“What are you apologizing for?! Just hold on and let me see what I can do.”
Kazuis head looked up and his heart ached. Shidou was so panicked, eyes wide and hands scattering to probably try and help him, but it was too late. Kazui already accepted his faith.
Using all the strength he had left, Kazui held Shidous wrists and looked him right in the eyes. Those cool grey eyes, what a beautiful sight to die seeing.
“Shidou, oh Shidou…”
Kazui smiled deliriously, the blood loss getting to him. He was gonna die but god damn he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears fell from Kazuis eyes as he let out a humorless laugh and grabbed Shidous face.
“I love you so fucking much .”
The confession caught Shidou by surprise. His eyes going still as he took it in. He blinked before holding Kazuis wrist, his own eyes slowly watering.
“Why….why didn’t you tell me?”
Oh that soft voice tugged at Kazuis heart strings, how he wish he could make all his problems go away. But as always, Kazui was the problem.
“That wouldn’t have changed anything.”
A guilty look washed over Shidous face before it quickly changed to panic as Kazui threw up again, coughing out the roots of the flower. Shidou pulled his face from Kazuis weak grip and held him tight to his chest as Kazui took in shallow ragged breaths. He smelled jasmine and sandalwood. Kazui suddenly became very fond of the smell.
“Kazui just stay with me, I’ll see what I can do and-“
Kazui put his head up and looked up at Shidous face. He was pretty professional but Kazui could see the cracks where his nerves were slipping out.
“Cmon man, you can’t be nervous! How will the patient feel?”
Kazui let out a hard chuckle as Shidous eyes widened. His face relaxed slightly but with the way his chest was rising Kazui could tell he was still nervous. Slowly, Shidou tried to move the sick man out to the medical room but Kazui was limp in his grip. He tried to memorize how warm Shidou felt, how he fot so perfectly in the doctor’s arms.
“Shidou, can you give me a smile?”
“A smile? In this situation?! Kazui I-“
“Please?”
Shidous protests quickly die as he looked at the weak man in his arms. Taking a deep breath Shidou gave a sad trembling smile, but Kazui would take what he could get. Giving a weak smile back, Kazui closed his eyes and rested his head on Shidous shoulder.
“Thank you, Shidou.”
Shidou did try to bring Kazui to the medical room but it was clear to all, Kazui was done fighting. Gently, Shidou brought Kazui back to his bed and sat with him. He laid his head on top of his patients.
Shidou let Kazui rest, putting a hand on his neck to track his pulse. Till slowly but surely, it was gone. Shidous eyes shoot open, grabbing and trying to shake Kazui awake.
“Kazui?!”
But they were all in vain. At least he died with a smile.
“Kazui!”