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Neil didn’t know when it started, well, that was a lie, and he told himself that he would be doing less of that now.
The panic started the fall after the Foxes won the championships. It should have been the best school year of his life. All the loose ends in his life were either tied up or nearly so – he was safe as he would ever be, he had Andrew, the Foxes were looking good for the next season, Kevin spoke to him with less malice, even Jean was settling into his spot in USC. For the first time ever Neil’s life was good. He was vice-captain, slated to be captain in the following years, and it truly looked as though he would be making it to Court one day.
The panic in his chest didn’t make any sense.
The first time it happened completely out of the blue. He was out shopping with the cousins and Kevin, a more common occurrence these days. Neil had gotten Andrew to agree to let the upperclassman spend the weekend in Columbia with them. Really, it didn’t take much pushing. Neil just asked, like he always did.
They were picking up snacks and whatnot for the nights they’d spend in the house – Friday night to Sunday afternoon – when a rush of adrenaline came through Neil. His eyes darted around the small store, scanning for doors, windows, anything he could get himself out through. It was sudden and unexplainable.
Neil rubbed a hand over his chest, trying to stall his rapidly beating heart. His skin itched in the way it always did when his brain began screaming at him to run. But he didn’t need to run. He was in a store he’d been to a dozen times before, with people he trusted, and he hadn’t caught sight of anyone that would be of interest. He was fine, really this time.
“Junkie.” Andrew’s hand came up to the back of his neck, gripping it. The touch was enough to ground Neil, but only slightly. “We’re leaving.” Neil didn’t know who he was telling it to, but the box of fruit roll ups he’d been carrying were ripped out of his hand as Andrew guided him out of the store.
Neil kept his eyes trained on every possible exit, ensuring that nobody was stepping through them. Andrew guided him into the Maserati and took his own seat behind the wheel. The man’s eyes never left Neil’s quickly crumbling form. “What happened?”
Neil fisted his hands into his hair, tugging at the strands. “I don’t know.”
“Rabbit.” Andrew’s tone was accusing.
“I don’t know.” Neil repeated, hoping that Andrew wouldn’t ask a third time.
Andrew’s hand crossed over the center console and presented itself for Neil to take. “Yes.”
Neil took the offer and threaded their fingers together. He held onto Andrew with both of his hands, the other’s skin a pale contrast to his own. He focused his fingers’ attention on the chipped black nail polish on Andrew’s nails. Neil kept his eyes on the storefront and the parking lot, keeping a tally of everyone that stepped out of their cars. He counted to fifty in every language he knew before Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron made their way back to the car.
None of them commented on Neil’s disappearance, instead, Nicky chatted away about some new reality TV show that Neil didn’t give a damn about. It was better than the deafening silence though.
Two weeks later, Kevin shook Neil’s shoulder to get his attention. Neil had been working on multivariable calc work – a tedious subject – and blinked at Kevin. “What do you want?”
“Night practice.”
Acid rose in Neil’s throat and the hammer in his chest returned. The thought of stepping onto the Court, despite having done so several hours earlier, made him want to hurl over his homework. The Court was large, not the largest stadium Neil had ever been in, but still large enough to have dozens of blind spots. He knew that someone could sneak in and out without being seen, could plant things. Someone could be hiding in a locker or behind a stall door and in the stands and they’d all be none the wiser. It could be one of the Moriyama’s connections or maybe someone loosely attached to his father who was still kicking despite the circumstances.
There would be someone there, someone at the Court, and Neil wouldn’t be able to run, wouldn’t be able to get out. He would be dragged back to some room or another, maybe splayed out in the center of the Court with the plexiglass door locked tight. He’d be stuck and alone and nobody would be able to help him.
The pencil in Neil’s grip broke and the splintered halves bounced across his desk.
“Neil?” Kevin’s voice was thunderous in the silent room.
“Shut it, Day, he doesn’t want to play your stupid stickball with you tonight.” Andrew’s voice dragged Neil out of his thoughts.
He knew Kevin wanted to push it further, but Andrew must have done something reckless like pull a knife on him because Kevin just scoffed and walked out of their room alone.
Andrew snapped Neil’s textbook shut in front of him and pulled him back by the neckline of his shirt. Neil followed.
They sat by the window. Andrew hadn’t gotten around to taking out the screen yet, so they couldn’t dangle their legs out. It was a little cramped. Andrew handed him a cigarette and placed his own between his lips. He lit the two together with practiced ease and blew smoke into Neil’s face. “You were scared of the Court.”
Neil ducked his head, staring at the glowing ember of the cigarette. “I didn’t want to be trapped there.”
“You have a set of keys.”
“Someone could take them.”
Andrew just scoffed and took another drag. Nicky snored from his bed; the man slept like the dead when he wanted to. Neil counted them despite the snores being more erratic than his typical counting measures.
Neil got to seven before Andrew opened his mouth again. “Will you go to the Court tomorrow for practice?” He snubbed his cigarette out on the windowsill.
Neil shrugged. His voice felt dead in his throat. He didn’t trust his words to form correctly. He wanted to go to the Court tomorrow. He wanted to practice, feel the rush of a racket swing, complain that Jack screwed up another play, but the idea of even stepping out of his dorm room made his palms sweat.
“We’ll sort it out tomorrow. Come on, I’d like to enjoy the extra hours of sleep.”
Neil didn’t question it as he crawled into bed with Andrew and felt the man’s arms wrap around him, one hand around his wrist to feel his pulse.
Neil kept a hand on Andrew’s chest and kept his breaths the same as the other’s steady heart beat.
The topic arose at his fall meeting with Betsy Dobson. Neil had grown accustomed to seeing her, though he still didn’t know if he would fully speak with her or not. He was past not trusting her. She helped Andrew and that was enough for him.
“Andrew told me you didn’t go to night practice with Kevin.”
Neil raised a brow but kept his eyes trained on his tea. “You two like gossiping about me?”
“He’s worried about you.” Betsy scribbled a few words in her notebook, certainly something that would probably be brought up again at a later date. “You’re always thinking about exy, but you weren’t that night.”
Neil brought a knee up to his chest and glanced around the room. It was small and there were only two possible entrances and exits – the door he’d walked in through and the window on the left wall. The window was small, but he’d fit through smaller, like the bathroom window back in Columbia. The door was his best bet, but there’d be other doctors and the like walking down the halls, patients too.
His breath began to pick up. All those people, anyone could hide themselves within the crowd. But Andrew was sitting outside, screwing about in the waiting room. Wymack allowed Neil and Andrew’s sessions to be back to back, a comfort for everyone involved.
“-eil, Neil.” Betsy spoke up. She tapped the ceramic of her mug. Hot chocolate. He never understood how she could drink something so sweet, just looking at it made his teeth ache. Betsy’s voice was calm as she spoke. “Would you like me to call in Andrew?
Neil thought about it for a moment. There were only ten more minutes left of the session, if he really wanted he could leave early since he knew Betsy was aware of his distaste for psychiatrists and didn’t push him too hard on it. Being with Andrew would happen either way though.
He stayed in his seat and waited for Andrew to come in.
His pulse barely steadied at the sight of the man, but it was better than being in the room alone with Betsy. Logically, Neil knew that the woman wouldn’t do anything to harm him, but he wasn’t thinking all that logically at the moment. It was impossible to.
“What’s up, rabbit?”
Words failed him once again. He wanted to say something, anything at all, but he couldn’t. Neil felt useless.
The rest of the session’s minutes were used up rather quickly after that. Betsy said something about possibly meeting on a more regular basis, but the thought of having to leave to go to Reddin made Neil’s skin crawl.
He climbed into the car, Andrew once again driving, and stared out of the passenger seat window.
Andrew sighed. “Practice, yes or no? Two taps for yes, one for no.”
Neil mulled over it for a moment. There was still plenty of practice time, and it was for the best that he went – being vice-captain and all – but the thought of stepping anywhere that wasn’t the car made him want to hurl. He tapped once against the center console.
It was Halloween and Neil was already in costume, Cyclops from the X-Men movie that came out a few years prior, but he paused right before stepping out of the door. It was like there was an invisible wall put up between himself and the hallway. Nicky shot him a confused look. “You good, Neil?”
The same panic from all the other times rose in his chest. He tried to take in a few deep breaths, the way that Betsy taught him in their weekly phone calls. Not in person meetings, not after the last time when he’d run out of the office and made it nearly a mile down the road before Andrew had gotten him.
“I can’t.”
“The fuck you mean ‘you can’t?’” There was Aaron, ever the charmer.
Andrew’s hand was on the back of his neck in an instant. “It means he can’t. Come on.” He guided Neil away from the door, ignoring Nicky’s protest. “You three go get shitfaced at Eden’s, the runner and I will stay back this time.” Usually, Aaron would have given them both a look of disgust at that, but he didn’t. Even he must have known something was actually up.
Neil was practically sprinting back to his room as soon as the door shut. The dorm was safe; his room was safe. Nobody could get in. He knew how difficult it was to get up through the window. He knew there were three different locks that needed keys before getting into his room. Neil was safe.
He still sat on his bed with his back to the wall to make sure that he had a good vantage point over everything. Top bunk, best spot in the place.
Andrew climbed up and took his seat next to Neil, leaving a few inches of space in case Neil wasn’t feeling up for anything physical. “You’re more skittish than usual, junkie. Any reason why? I’ll offer a truth for it.”
“We’re done with that game.” Neil forced the words out. He brought his knees to his chest, protecting his most vital organs. A leg he could do without, his lungs not so much.
“Then tell me anyway.”
Andrew’s hazel eyes met his. Neil wanted to tell him what was going on, but he didn’t know the right words for it. “It’s not safe outside.” It wasn’t safe anywhere, Neil knew that better than anyone. Even in the dorm someone could break in. Someone could shoot him through the window. He shuffled out of its view.
Andrew hummed. “That’s why you dipped out of shopping and night practice.”
Neil nodded even though it wasn’t a question. “Sometimes, when I’m out, or I think about going out, I think about all the horrible things that can happen to me, or to you.” He looked over at Andrew. The man didn’t seem phased by the admission. It was by far the least surprising thing he had ever told Andrew. “People are always looking.” Even more since his hair was dyed back to its natural color, since the tattoo, since the additional scars, since the outing, since the championship. There were always eyes on him, dozens that he couldn’t escape.
“There are always going to be people watching.” Neil didn’t flinch at Andrew’s words. He knew the man wasn’t one to sugarcoat things, no matter how bad it sounded. “But you’re stronger than them, and a hell of a lot faster.”
Neil didn’t want to think of the time when he wasn’t fast enough. Andrew didn’t need that reminder. “Sometimes I don’t even want to go to class.”
“Who does? It’s a bore.”
“Calc is fun.”
“No, you’re just a freak.”
Neil smiled, but it quickly faded away. “I’m sorry you couldn’t go to Eden’s tonight.”
Andrew waved it off. “They’ll be other Halloweens.” He raised his arm around Neil’s shoulders, always giving him an out.
Neil didn’t take it though and sunk into Andrew’s side. “I’ll try to talk to Dobson about it.” Try was the key word though. He wasn’t sure if he could be as open with her as he could with Andrew, but trying was at least some sort of start. He didn’t want to be terrified of walking out of the door anymore.
“Good. Bee knows her way around hopeless cases.” They stayed like that for a bit of time, on top of Neil’s rumpled sheets.
Andrew decided he wanted something sweet though and stalked off to the kitchen for ice cream – a pint of Ben and Jerry’s half-baked for Andrew and vanilla for Neil. He returned with them and pulled up his laptop as well for something to watch. The two changed out of their costumes, tossing them into some dark corner of the room.
Neil pulled a blanket around them and settled in for the night. The anxiety in his chest began to fade away as they watched through shitty YouTube videos. Andrew batted Neil’s hand away when he tried to click on exy clips. Neil just smirked.
He wasn’t okay, that much was obvious, but he was trying to be, and that had to count for something.