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The first time Leonard had tried to defend himself and Lisa against their father, the old man had caught his hand and twisted his fingers hard enough to break two. At school he had said that it had been an accident playing ball. He had taped them together himself, and they had healed well enough, except for the not quite normal angle of his ring finger's tip.
Gideon had repaired that when she had regenerated his hand.
Leonard lay on his bunk on the Waverider in silence, absentmindedly rubbing his right wrist. He flexed his fingers and found himself fascinated with the sensation of the muscles in his hand tensing and relaxing. It looked like his hand, alright. But somehow, on some subconscious level it felt... different. Leonard frowned when his nails scratched over soft, sensitive fingertips. How was that possible? Had he even been without his hand long enough to notice a difference? Thinking of it now - of how the cold had burnt; how he had shattered his hand - shattered it - into a million shards of ice; how strange the sight of frostbite on his flesh and the splintered bone looking out of the garish wound had been even back then - it did not seem real. It had been a bad dream that Leonard had been fortunate enough to wake up from. Well, mostly.
He shot up. "Gideon," he called.
"Yes, Mr. Snart?" the AI replied.
Leonard spread the fingers on his "new" hand and frowned. "Is it supposed to feel like... this?"
"I'm sorry, but you will have to be more specific. What does it feel like, Mr. Snart?"
He pressed his lips together. "Never mind," he said and got up. He needed to clear his mind. Some cool night air would have been preferable, but, as soon as they had all been aboard and ready to leave Nanda Parbat, Rip had taken the ship back to the Temporal Zone for safety reasons, and Leonard really did not feel like testing the atmospheric conditions of the time stream tonight. He opened the door of his quarter and stepped outside, his eyes briefly wandering over the second bunk in the room, unmade and untouched since their misadventure in space. But Mick was back now... Leonard quickly pushed those thoughts aside.
Not yet. He was not ready to think about Mick yet.
He aimlessly walked down the corridor, past his teammates' rooms. Everything was calm and quiet, except for the low humming of the ship's engines; Gideon filtered out that noise inside their living quarters somehow. He had seen Kendra and Ray move into the same room together when he had gotten back from the med-bay. Two days ago they had tentatively been together for little more than a week; now all of a sudden their relationship was two years strong and going swell. It would take some time to wrap his head around this. Leonard concentrated extra hard on the humming as he passed their room - he did not trust Gideon to filter out the noise the other way around too.
His suspicions were only confirmed when he passed Stein's room and heard the Professor's deafening snores. Then again, maybe there was only so much the AI could do. Either way, no wonder Jax had begged Rip for a single room.
Jax had basically had to carry Leonard back to the Waverider when they had left Nanda Parbat. He had not been able to take in much of the place, only briefly overhearing Ray suggesting throwing him into the weird Jacuzzi; Sara and Rip had both turned him down sharply. Leonard was pretty sure he had passed out from the pain at least once in those dark damp corridors, leaning heavily onto the kid, all the time cradling the stump that had been his hand.
His fingers twitched as he walked into the ship's mess. It was as good a place to end up as any tonight. There was a pleasant underlying scent of spices in the air ever since Kendra had felt the need to stock up the ship's inventory. The lights were dimmed, but still bright enough to see; welcoming even, in a way. Leonard liked the world at 2:30 am. People were asleep and the everything was silent and calm.
He was just starting to raid the cabinets, grimacing slightly at the sensation of touching things with his sensitive regenerated hand, when he suddenly felt someone's eyes on the back of his neck. He turned his head slightly and spotted Sara sitting at the big round dining table, a bottle of Scotch and a half empty glass in front of her. "Hi," she said and waved at him with a grin.
"Hi," Leonard replied. He did not wave back. "Why are you up?"
Sara shrugged. "Can't sleep. I've got too much on my mind."
"Same," Leonard said.
Sara nodded and took a sip. When she put her glass down she looked at him and asked, "Wanna drink?"
Leonard thought about it for a moment, but before he could give her an answer, Gideon chimed in. "Mr. Snart should not consume alcohol tonight, Ms. Lance. He received a strong dose of pain relieving medication for the regeneration of his right hand. Mixing it with alcohol could have unfortunate side effects."
However strong the painkillers had been, the regeneration had still hurt like a bitch. Sara gave him a challenging stare, as if to say, "You care about that?" But he looked at her apologetically. "Sorry, Sara, but you heard Nurse Chapel. Not tonight."
Sara raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"
"If I drink now, she's going to rat me out to Rip, and I don't want him to bench me for our next mission. The last thing I need is to be stuck on the ship."
Sara pursed her lips in understanding. She emptied her glass, while Leonard found what he was looking for. "Wanna watch me drink?" Sara asked.
Leonard poured milk in a pot, smirking at her. "Sure."
The stove was futuristic, but by now most of them had gotten used to it enough to not cause a fire. Leonard heated the milk to perfect drinking temperature, then poured it in a large mug and shoveled spoons of cocoa powder into it. He must have paused a moment too long, starring at the spoon in his right hand, how it looked so normal, as if nothing had ever happened, because Sara asked, "How's your hand?"
Leonard clenched his teeth for a second. "It's cold," he said with a sideways glance at Sara. If anything she seemed intrigued, and who could blame her really? So he continued, "Colder than I think it should be. Gideon says everything went well, but for once, cold is not something I want it to feel. You understand." He was smirking again at the end. Sara nodded. What he saw in her eyes was probably closest to admiration, and somehow, that was confusing.
Again, Gideon felt the need to chime in. "Mr. Snart, the nerve endings in your hand are still adjusting. You should be able to sense temperature accurately again within the next five to seven hours."
Leonard sighed in mock-annoyance and Sara chuckled. "Thank you, Gideon," he said, rolling his eyes. "But can you let just the two of us chat now?"
"Of course," the AI replied happily and promptly fell silent.
Sara stifled another laugh. "You do know she's still listening, right?"
Leonard tilted his head and smirked at the ceiling, where everything regarding Gideon was directed. "Yeah, can't help that. You know where the mini-marshmallows are?" he added for Sara. She nodded at a cupboard to his left and tried hard not to grin, but Leonard could not bring himself to care. He found the small box he had gotten on their last grocery run and added two spoons to his mug before putting everything back where he had found it. Then he joined Sara at the table and sat down one seat away from her, resting his legs on the empty chair between them. He held the mug in his left hand when he brought it up to blow and drink, but he pressed the fingers of his right hand against it when he put it down. The skin on his fingertips tickled at the heat, but not quite the way it should have. Sara watched, pouring herself another drink.
Finally she asked, "Can I see?"
Leonard huffed. "Nothing much to see. It's my hand."
Is it?, a voice at the back of his head asked. Then where is the scar from that knife you played with when you were 17?
Shut up!, he told it and held out his right hand for Sara to see.
Her fingers were cold, as everything else was at the moment. At first she traced along the back of his hand, then squeezed one of his fingers as if to make sure it was real. "Easy there," he had to remind her; her curiosity made her forget to be gentle. She turned his hand over to look at his palm too. Her thumb briefly pressed on his wrist, on the exact spot that had been burnt by frostbite only hours earlier; that was when Leonard pulled away slowly.
"Rip never said anything like this was possible," Sara finally said in astonishment.
"Mhm," Leonard made over the rim of his mug. "I guess he only wants to blow so many minds at once."
"Does it work?" Sara wanted to know. "Like, can you do everything you used to?"
Leonard stretched his fingers, watched them respond perfectly to his mental command. "So far, so good," he said. "Couldn't try everything out yet though. Not like we have locks to pick on this ship."
Sara pursed her lips and Leonard inadvertently wondered if he should be worried. "Well," she explained, drawing the word out, "I don't have locks, but probably the next best thing. Don't leave!"
She stood up and bumped against the table, but Leonard reacted quickly and raised his mug to prevent any of his cocoa from spilling. When he realized he had automatically done it with his right hand, he brought up his left to stabilize the mug. It was not necessary though; his new wrist was just as strong as his old one. Still, he did not trust this new limb; it felt different, faintly, in a way that kept nagging at the back of his mind, that he could not quite put a finger on (definitely no pun intended).
When Rip had finally taken him to the infirmary, Leonard had thought Gideon would clean his wound and get rid of the dead flesh on his stump, and hopefully pump him full of enough painkillers to sleep for days. The last thing he had expected was a new hand. He had, however, hoped that their man from the future could provide him with a state-of-the-art prosthesis at some point. This was, undoubtedly, better; but in the time between escaping Chronos' cuffs and sitting down in the med bay, Leonard had begun to make peace with the fact that he had lost his hand. There had not been another way. It would take some time to get out of that state of mind again.
He turned at the sound of the door opening and saw Sara waving a bundle of roughly seven-inch-long thin wooden sticks, held together by a rubber band, at him. Leonard raised his eyebrows. "You want me to play pick-up sticks with you?"
"Mikado," Sara corrected him and sat back down, immediately emptying and refilling her glass. "I'm definitely not playing drinking games with cocoa, Leonard. Unless you have a better idea, we might as well."
It was clear neither of them wanted to go back to their rooms just yet. Leonard smiled, mostly to himself. Of all the people on the ship Sara had become the closest he had to a real friend. He liked her. She did not judge him for being a criminal; she was perceptive; and she did not take shit from anyone but herself.
"Where do all these parlor games keep coming from?" Leonard asked and moved her bottle to make room for the sticks.
Sara laughed. "I still have no idea where the Uno came from-"
"Please, spare me that memory," Leonard interrupted with a grimace.
"-but this one's easy," she continued and pulled off the rubber band. "I got it in Hub City in 1958. It reminded me of Nyssa - she taught me how to play the first time I was in Nanda Parbat."
"Not much in terms of entertainment back there, I get it," Leonard said. "But what's there to teach?"
Sara smirked, holding the bundle of sticks in both her hands so their tips touched the table. "There are actual rules," she said and released the sticks. "The different colors mean different point values. You're meant to add them up at the end of the game." Then she added more silently, "Not that I can ever remember them."
"It's not like you and I take rules very strictly, is it?" Leonard winked.
Sara smiled and raised her glass. Leonard did the same with his mug.
"One rule I do remember," Sara said after she took another sip of her drink, "is that you can only use this one for help." She pointed at the only blue stick in the jumble. "We play until all sticks are gone, and it's your turn until you make a mistake."
"Yeah, that much is clear," Leonard said, eying the mess of sticks and already calculating which ones would be easiest to get. "So, you wanna start?"
Sara smiled and leaned back in her chair. "Nah, you start. Gotta give you a chance!"
Leonard gave a short laugh. "Mhm, remind me, how long you have been drinking here again?"
Sara picked up her bottle and waved it so he could see a good third was gone. "This long. But I'd be a bad member of the League if I couldn't still beat you."
Smiling, Leonard replied, "Dream on, Canary."
The first stick was easy, as it had rolled away from the rest and was lying completely free. The next one he lifted from the top of the pile by pressing his index fingers to each end. It pinched slightly more on his right.
"So," Leonard said while adding another one to his count, "two years, huh? How has the League of Assassins been treating you?"
Sara shrugged. “The more things change the more they stay the same – training, fighting, lots of meditation, more training… But,” she smiled broadly, "my bloodlust is gone."
"Congratulations," Leonard said, narrowing his eyes in concentration before he nimbly picked up another stick.
"Well, gone is maybe not the right word," Sara went on to specify with a tilt of her head, "but I’ve got it under control now."
Leonard shifted in his seat to find his next target. "Either way," he said, "good job!" He meant it.
"Thanks!"
Sara's smile only registered in his peripheral field of vision as he lifted yet another stick from the pile. "And?" He twirled the stick between his fingers. "Met anyone nice?"
She laughed and refilled her glass. "Nah. Men from 1958 aren't really my style. As for girls, I thought about going back to see Lindsay, but Savage was still looking for us in Harmony Falls, so that wasn't really an option. And too much in the League reminded me of Nyssa - it would've been... awkward. What about you?"
Leonard gave a short laugh, carefully rolling a stick off from where it was lying on a bunch of others. "It's only been a couple hours for me. I didn't have much of an opportunity to meet any interesting people."
"Moved!" Sara pointed at the stick that had unmistakably shifted when he had attempted to lift its neighbor. With a sigh he let it fall and leaned back in his chair.
"Your hand seems to be working fine," Sara said, eying the eight sticks he had acquired so far, all using his right hand.
"Looks like it." Leonard rubbed his wrist. He felt a slight dull ache, but Gideon had said that was possible; there was a reason for the painkillers after all. It was becoming harder to determine by touch where old skin ended and new skin began. Sensations began feeling familiar, although using his hand still reminded him of the times Lisa had painted his nails and touching anything had been awkward because he had been afraid to accidentally ruin her work. He was adjusting, slowly.
Sipping the rest of his now cold cocoa, Leonard watched Sara pick up her first three sticks, including the one he had messed up on, with ease. After that, she was finally able to free the blue one and held it up triumphantly. Leonard acknowledged it with a smirk. He had already calculated that she would get that one and then make a mistake on one of her next two moves. Sara's approach to the game was more daring than his, more prone to showing off and less focused on efficiency. Perhaps the alcohol was to blame. Either way, Leonard was proven right when Sara used her blue stick to try pry free a still unreachable stick and caused not one, but two other sticks to move.
"Trained by the League of Assassins, hm?" Smirking even wider, he leaned forward and carefully lifted a green striped one from the top. Sara had done a good job with the release of the sticks because it was getting harder and harder to spy easy pickings.
Suddenly Sara asked, "Do you really think Mick is a lost cause?"
Leonard tensed involuntarily and lost what little grip he had had on the stick he had been trying to get; it landed back on the pile, moving a couple others. "That doesn't count," he said sharply.
"Do you?" Sara repeated without acknowledging the game.
Leonard looked her in the eyes and sighed. Her brows were knitted together and she did not look like she was going to let this question go easily. She had said how important the matter was to her, but now he saw that it really was bothering her.
Well, she was not the only one.
Yes, Mick used to be his partner, but that was exactly the problem: Leonard knew Mick long enough to know when to be afraid of the guy. The things he had done as Chronos, the things he had said he would do... Leonard was sure those had not been idle threats.
“You are not Mick, Sara,” he said calmly.
“I could be!” she gave back, crossing her arms tightly. She stared at the glass on the table in front of her. “You didn’t see me in Nanda Parbat before Chronos showed up. I lost myself, Leonard! I existed only to serve Ra’s al Ghul. I was his weapon. I was okay with him wanting to execute the team. I almost killed Kendra!”
“That’s different.” Leonard remained cool; Jax had filled him in on their way back to the ship. “You were in a wrong time. You were made to believe serving Ra’s was your purpose, your highest calling. Mick wanted vengeance. You were fueled by a sense of duty, Mick by hate.”
Sara stared at him intently. “But is that really all that different?!”
Leonard looked away. He wanted to give Sara an answer that made her drop the topic, one that satisfied her. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to find one that would also satisfy himself. He had been barely able to stand upright because of the pain by the time they had locked Mick up in their new private prison cell, but he had meant what he had said. He had seen men lose it before, good men, better than Mick, who were swallowed by darkness and never returned. He should have killed his friend and spared him the experience when he had had the chance.
"I do believe Mick is lost," he said slowly. "It looks like what happened to him messed him up pretty good, and he sure wasn't the nicest, or even sanest person to begin with. And even that version of him is too far gone now. He threatened to kill my sister."
Sara held his gaze stubbornly. "And yet you didn't let us kill him."
Leonard sorted his sticks by color and put them in a neat row, making the tips line up. "He is my responsibility. None of you need that on your conscience."
Sara tilted her head and slowly emptied her glass. She was getting too good at reading him.
Had that really been the only reason he had stopped them from killing Chronos? No. Despite what had happened between them and even despite the fact that Mick had wanted to kill Lisa and the rest of Rip's crew, he had been Leonard's partner not too long ago - his best friend. It had to count for something, didn't it?
He phrased his next thought carefully. "Just because I don't believe we'll be able to... reform him, doesn't mean I don't hope I’m wrong. What happened to him was my fault - I wish we'll get through to him. I just don't think we can."
Sara nodded silently. She seemed to like this answer better.
Since she had never said that his turn was over, Leonard proceeded to pick up the stick he had dropped earlier. He got it, but made a mistake on the next one. Sara twirled her blue stick through her fingers and dramatically used it to flip one from the pile high in the air and catch it without moving any other sticks still on the table.
She pointed the blue stick at Leonard. "What happened to Mick was not your fault. You made your choices and he made his. You shouldn’t blame yourself for things that were out of your hands."
Leonard grimaced. "Yeah, except it kinda was my fault because I abandoned him in the middle of nowhere and never returned to pick him up again." Sara gave him a blank look, so he went on to explain, "I was going to come back for him once we'd defeated Savage. Take him back to 2016 where things could go back to the way they were and I could keep an eye on him. Except I apparently never make it back." He stared at his folded hands, hesitant to say what had been bothering him ever since Mick had told him how he became Chronos.
Sara frowned. "What do you---?
"What if," Leonard said slowly, "I never make it back because I don't make it?"
Sara opened and closed her mouth when she realized what he was implying. He continued, "If I die before I tell anyone, then nobody comes to pick Mick up because nobody knows he's still alive."
"Except now we do," Sara pointed out. "And Mick is already back on the ship, so you literally cannot go back for him."
Leonard made a face as if he was experiencing a particularly bad headache. "Times like this I'm really glad I'm a criminal and not a scientist."
"More than usual?" Sara smirked and raised her glass.
"Mhm." Leonard clinked his mug with her glass and then got up because he was all out of cocoa. The milk was still hot and, thanks to some future technology-magic, no yucky skin had formed. While he added the powder and the marshmallows, he watched Sara from the corner of his eye to make sure she was not cheating. She added two more sticks to her count with silent grace.
"Besides," she then said, "I'd find a way to bring you back if you died."
This surprised Leonard so much that his spoon froze in midair. "Why?" was all he could ask after a good five seconds of silence.
Sara grinned cheekily. "Because your sister is hot, and I bet she'll like me a lot better if I bring you back alive."
Leonard stared back at her. "You're completely serious about this, aren't you?"
Sara winked and laughed.
Leonard went back to the table and sat his cocoa down to cool a bit. He watched Sara get one more stick before she messed up.
He frowned at the pile and decided it was impossible to get anything by fair means.
"You can't do that!" Sara protested when Leonard used one of his own not-blue sticks to free another one.
"Watch me," he said and flipped the stick at where he had lined up the rest of his. It landed almost perfectly straight at the end of the line without disturbing any others. Sara pursed her lips, impressed.
"Dude, are you drinking cocoa?"
They both turned and saw Jax standing in the doorway and rubbing his eyes. Only someone seriously sleep deprived could register a wanted criminal drinking cocoa as the weirdest thing going on in the mess.
Leonard smirked at the boy unapologetically. "With marshmallows and everything."
"Did we wake you, Jax?" Sara asked, but Jax shook his head.
"Nah, you two are my least problem - I've got the two lovebirds on one side and Grey playing freight train on the other. I'm this close to joining Rory in his cell so I can get some sleep!"
"He snores too," Leonard remarked, cupping his right hand under his chin.
Jax stifled a yawn and sighed. "Great, I get to sleep in the med bay again."
"Or you could move in with Leonard," Sara suggested. "He has a spare bed right now."
"No!" Leonard and Jax shot in unison. Sara laughed.
It was true, the bedroom arrangement on the Waverider was a mess. Rip hat insisted on starting their journey with only four operational quarters besides his own. But Carter dying, arguments among the rest of the crew, Stein's absolute incapability to share a room with anyone who was not his wife, and now Ray and Kendra hooking up, had led Rip to begrudgingly open up additional living quarters until now almost everyone had their own.
Jax was just standing there uncertainly. "Uhm, think I can have some..?" he finally asked pointing at the pot of milk on the stove.
"Help yourself, but hands off my marshmallows!" Leonard reached for the pile of Mikado-sticks again, but Sara protested.
"Uh-uh, it's my turn now! You cheated!"
Leonard rolled his eyes, but let himself fall back in his seat. He massaged the base of his right thumb, where he was feeling a low wave of cold that moment. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Jax stealing furtive glances at him as the boy fixed his cocoa. When he was done he came over to join them at the table and wanted to take the seat between them, but Leonard, who was still resting his feet on that seat, stared him down, so Jax went to take the one on Sara's other side.
"You wanna play, Jax?" she asked and somehow freed an impossibly tangled stick without making a mistake.
"Uh, sure," Jax replied, but frowned at Leonard. "Just one quick question: how the hell do you cheat at pick-up sticks?!"
Leonard smirked, especially when Sara gave a half-annoyed huff. "It's Mikado! And why doesn't anyone know there are rules?!" But even then she could not stop looking amused.
"Back home we played it simple – turn’s over when something moves. But, whatever," Jax said over the rim of his mug. "I just wanna get tired enough I don't care about the noise anymore."
"Maybe this will help," Sara said and filled Jax's cocoa up with Scotch. The kid looked equal amounts shocked and excited.
"Gideon?" Leonard addressed the AI.
"Yes, Mr. Snart?" Gideon replied.
"Don't tell Stein."
"Of course not, Mr. Snart."
"She'll still tell Rip though," Jax sighed, but kept his hand tight around his mug.
"Rip wanted to fight Ra's al Ghul today," Sara pointed out. "His ideas are a lot worse than mine."
"True that," Jax said and they raised their drinks.
Sara let Jax have a go at the game because neither she nor Leonard were willing to start a new round and give up their score. Two sticks moved as soon as he touched his target, and just like that it was Sara's turn again. With the help of her blue stick she got one, but then she messed up and the stick she had half free at the time fell and knocked loose another one that promptly rolled off the pile. Leonard swiftly picked it up and added it to his count.
"I'm better at Jenga," Sara sighed, smiling. She looked completely relaxed and comfortable.
"Don't worry, I won't tell the League," Leonard said smugly, letting his fingers play over the impressive row of sticks before him.
"Okay, but doesn't this freak you out?" Jax blurted out, staring at Leonard's hand.
Leonard sighed. "You're late to the party, Jax. We've already had this conversation."
Jax was too curious though to let it go entirely. "But it's got real flesh and bones, right? It's not some Luke Skywalker robo-hand?"
Sara laughed at the Star Wars reference and even Leonard had to suppress a smile.
"Gideon says it's all mine," he explained because he did not want to leave the kid uneducated, curling and uncurling his fingers for effect. "I'll have to take her word for it - Rip doesn't know the technicalities, only the superficial stuff."
Jax shook his head with an incredulous grin. Then he grew more serious and tapped his thumb against his mug a few times before speaking again. "Listen, man... Hunter and I went back on Chronos' ship to get your gun and... What you did was crazy - I mean, what were you even thinking?!" Leonard stared at Jax, already having an idea where the kid was going with that. Sara sipped her drink, enjoying the show. Jax swallowed nervously. "But, uhm... first you help Gray save me at the asylum, and then this... You really are a hero, Snart!"
Leonard rolled his eyes, but could not help a small smirk. "We've got a very different definition of hero then, kid."
"No, he's right." Sara cocked her eyebrows at him. "You literally risked life and limb to save your friends today."
Leonard toyed with his row of sticks. Of course they had a point there. He could pretend he did it all because of what Mick had threatened to do to Lisa, but he would be lying to himself. If he had just wanted to protect Lisa, he could have set a trap for Mick upon his return to his ship - he might have even kept his hand because he would have had more time to come up with a better plan. Instead, he had done what he had done, and rushed to the side of the fight just to make sure Mick and his team did not kill each other. The fear of losing any of them - any of his friends – had been stronger than the agonizing pain that had almost made him black out.
And that, he had to admit, truly was heroic.
"Can we please go back to the stick game?" he asked with faked irritation.
Sara smiled knowingly, and Jax too looked pleased, although that could be because he had just taken a big gulp of his spiked cocoa.
Leonard took another stick that had been freed by Sara's earlier mistake. He noticed Jax trying to sneak her glass away from Sara, but she jokingly swatted his hand without even looking before pushing the bottle in his direction. He wondered if Gideon was watching too, just to report back to Rip. Come morning he and Sara would probably get another lecture about child endangerment (never mind that the “child” was twenty). Leonard was also sure he would have to explain the regeneration process to Stein and Ray, and he was surprised to find he did not mind as much as expected.
When had it happened? When had the number of people he cared about with all his heart quadrupled?
Leonard Snart, hero.
A small smile stole itself on his face as he scratched his right wrist.
He was starting to like it.