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Years have passed since the last time he saw the South Pole.
When he had last set foot there, it had been when he had been forcibly taken away. He had been nothing but a small boy as the Fire Nation had conducted a raid, trying to find the last remaining waterbender of his village. And through the fear, the shouting and the fighting, somehow, he as a small boy had been sold out.
Sold out as the last waterbender of the South Pole, when he wasn’t even a bender at all. Something the Fire Nation hadn’t discovered until they were already far away from the South Pole, realizing that they had been set up, and that the prisoner, that Sokka, was not who they had been looking for, but a decoy forced into the role of unsuspecting victim against his will.
One second he had been there, the next there had been demands. And after that, the words of his own family, quickly selling him out, saying that he was the bender, all to protect the one who was. Sacrificing one child for another, the lesser child who wasn’t as precious, wasn’t as important to protect, all to keep the secret safe.
At that moment, Sokka had never felt more betrayal. He had been so distraught that he had forgotten how to fight, too taken aback, as he followed willingly, with too much anger bubbling up inside of him to let out. Anger at the family who had betrayed him, seeing him as lesser, not worth it.
The Fire Nation had seen his anger, seen his rage bubbling up, and had understood the seething betrayal of him as a young child when they finally put the pieces together, and understood that he had been a betrayed decoy, and not a bender at all. And with that realization, he had been given a chance, a chance to prove himself as he was held above the other prisoners.
Sokka had still been a child. A moldable one, not yet polluted by the backwards savagery of the outside world who didn’t know what was best for them. Unlike the adults who were too brainwashed and too far gone, Sokka could still be saved, he had a chance to be better, to see the truth, see the light. And most importantly, he had already seen the truth, seeing the betrayal and trickery of the savages, all with the bubbling rage inside of him, showing a fury so strong that anyone would mistake him for a firebender with the strong fury building up. Small embers to a wildfire, as the rage and need for revenge was uncontainable, to put a stop to this trickery, and these people hurting and abandoning people like this.
Sokka had been given a chance. He had been made Fire Nation. While the savages casted out their own for their own gain, the Fire Nation was loyal. They followed duty, and they followed honor. Sokka had been fed and clothed, and given a home. Given a chance, and not cast out and imprisoned simply because of the impurity of his blood, unlike the savages of who he came from, who would have shunned him if even a single precious drop of Fire Nation blood had ran through his veins. He would have been judged by heritage, while here, he is judged by ability and loyalty. And he had spent his childhood proving his loyalty to his home, to his nation, to pay back the depths and show his gratitude. He would fight with his last breath for his nation, even if he was no bender. He proved his skill with hard work and dedication anyway.
Ever since he was assigned a servant, and later friend of the prince, it’s all he had done, as he soon had gained acceptance and approval of the royal family. He had been an approved friend and companion of the royal children, a duty he had taken seriously with his last breath. And Sokka and followed Zuko loyally without second thought into his banishment, his goal to help and guide the prince and to help him restore honor. To bring pride by succeeding in his mission, while also staying close to one of the people who had always given him acceptance and kindness.
With Zuko came belonging, so of course he would always follow. He would help him make the nation proud in any way possible, as he would do anything to help Zuko and himself. To achieve greatness and glory, and honor together, while never leaving his side. Because here was comfort and safety, here was home.
With Zuko and the Fire Nation, he feels more at home than he had ever done in his previous life which is nothing more than a distant memory, once which he wants to wash away and pretend was only a dream. Because he has all the loyalty and comfort and belonging he needs here.
But even with all of this, he sometimes finds himself missing the place he once called home.
The cold breeze makes his cheeks stiff and rosy. The cool air, the snow and structures, white as far as he could see. The warmth of the fur parkas, the cool of the water, the cozy crowded igloos and tents, the smell of warm smoke and fire, and the snow stained red from gutting fish and game, the safe and comfortable feeling bloody snow had given him, equating a belly full and a good meal, all with tough meat and blubber and sea prunes. A sort of childlike notalgia and familiarity that nothing could ever replace.
Sometimes, he missed it. It’s something he’s not told anyone about, not even Zuko. Because he tries to hide it from even himself, erase it all.
He knows that he shouldn’t. He knows that those are treacherous thoughts. Forbidden thoughts, as he spits on the nice opportunity he had been given, mocking the kind hand that feeds him and had taken him in even when he knew he wasn’t worth it.
The Fire Nation had taken pity on him and seen his potential, even with his savage roots, and had made him an honorary Fire Nation citizen even. It’s a privilege not offered to many, it’s one of the highest honors of outsiders, to be held up onto the standard of the greatness of the world, instead of being treated below it. It’s something few rarely deserved, or achieved, and here Sokka was, having those evil thoughts as if he was spitting everyone in the face and rejecting the greatness, as if the savagery in him couldn’t be quelled.
Proving to him that he’s not truly Fire Nation like the rest of them, with tainted blood that could never be erased, even if he performed to perfection with his loyalty almost bleeding into him. Because a part of him was still the other, was still a foreigner, and a stranger who could never truly be part of all the greatness. The savage parts and stray thoughts polluted him.
If he couldn’t keep those thoughts contained, if people found out, the honor bestowed on him would be stripped. And the guilt and anger ate him alive, as he truly wasn’t deserving of the chance given to him, because his savage nature still managed to blind him from true loyalty, as he keeps longing for the savage backwaters way of the South at stray moments, even if he barely remembers that place. A part of him still considered that place home, when it shouldn’t be.
No one could ever know, he would see to it. All as he tried to quell those thoughts and finally let go like he should, and embrace the greatness of the Fire Nation, which is where he belonged. He wanted to, and he wanted to show it, so that no one looked at him distrustfully because he didn’t look like them. He needed to prove his honorary citizenship was true, and that he was one of them through and through, and for that, he needed to punish himself for thoughts of treason, of his nostalgia even thinking that anything could be better than the Fire Nation who took him in so selflessly and gave him a chance to prove himself.
To prove himself instead of being put away to rot with the prisoners. To be part of that greatness.
Of a new wonderful world.
He had been given a chance, a luxury, a privilege which he had taken for granted.
And part of him is crumbling, and deviating from what is right. Towards dangerous thoughts. And it fills him with guilt, because he knows he has been given a chance, and more trust than so many others. He can’t let those thoughts win, because it would mean he had been saved too late, and that he had still been corrupted. And he couldn’t do that to himself, or to Zuko.
Zuko who had saved him as well, by being there. Giving him a hand, lending strength and courage, giving him community, friendship and love. Someone to count for for the first time in his life. Someone that he couldn’t live without.
Zuko, who he would travel the rest of the world with, in search of the Avatar. He would go wherever he did.
But whenever they crossed into colder waters, with land being replaced with ice, his thoughts wandered. Especially now during a trip closer to the Southern Pole, as he remembers the last step he took here, thinking of the boy he had once been, and the identity that he had since then shed. It’s as if it’s a dirty, dangerous secret, and he’s afraid Zuko will never look at him the same again, if it becomes obvious that this part of him can’t be erased or contained, even if he wants to.
He’s afraid that nothing will ever be the same.