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There was a difference in Mob after he accepted his powers and his powers accepted him, in return. Everyone noticed it, how much more easily emotions came to him. Laughter and smiles equal to frowns and tears. He thought of it as an integration, two halves become whole, and while it felt right, it took some getting used to.
He felt a little bit like a child, still figuring out what each of these feelings meant, defining them and doing his best to experience them without judgement. Ah, that’s frustration , he’d say to himself. Here’s joy. There’s grief.
Some feelings were easier than others. Happiness could soon wash through him without needing a name, and he got used to the sound of his own laughter. Some feelings were harder to grapple with. He didn’t like feeling angry, especially about small things that had never bothered him before, but frustration and annoyance were normal things to feel, and he took his time learning how to deal with them in healthy ways.
There was sort of an advantage to figuring out how to feel things as a teenager rather than a small child. His rational brain was much more developed, so he could purposefully steer himself away from bad emotional habits or unhealthy coping mechanisms. He’d finally got out of what had to be the least healthy coping mechanism in existence, so he really didn’t want to fall into another one, even if it was less severe.
But there was another difference he soon began to notice. He thought it was a feeling at first, and maybe by some definitions it is just a feeling, but Mob struggled to categorize it as such. It was more of a yearning. A desire. A want.
It wasn’t until after his integration that he’d ever felt attraction.
He wasn’t sure if it was because of the integration, or perhaps just puberty’s perfect timing—he was going through a growth spurt, actually putting on muscle and nearly as tall as Reigen by the time his fifteenth birthday came around—but the experience was entirely new to him, entirely different from what he’d thought a crush felt like before.
And he was entirely different. He wasn’t who thought he was.
The glow of warmth in his chest, the sweat clamming up his palms, the heavy rhythm of his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t feel these things talking to Tsubomi. He didn’t feel it when a group of girls walked past and giggled to themselves, glancing Mob’s way. He didn’t feel it when a curvy model with long, shiny hair showed off a product in an advertisement.
He felt it looking at a bare, muscular chest, or a pair of toned, hairy legs. He felt it when he noticed a man’s long eyelashes or the cool way he might cross his arms and lean up against a wall. He felt it when he lay under the blanket at night and imagined a pair of strong arms holding him, the body behind him tall and firm and masculine.
He was attracted to men. Men and only men. He was gay—though his chest grew tight and his stomach twisted just thinking the word.
He didn’t want it to be true. He felt like he was splitting in two all over again, a new side of himself breaking free and taking the reins, making him feel things he didn’t want to feel, think things he didn’t want to think, be something he didn’t want to be.
But he knew what a horrible mistake it would be to treat this part of himself like something separate, something other. He knew that better than anyone.
So why did it hurt so much to accept that this was him?
…
Mob wasn’t really sure why he was here. He wasn’t working a shift today, nor had Reigen called him last-minute like he used to do so often. He was supposed to be at home studying for exams, but his brain was somewhere else, and he couldn’t focus on that right now.
His whole body felt warm and swirly. He identified the feeling as shame, but the longer he paced outside of the the Spirits and Such consultation office, the longer the drumbeat pulse of anxiety crept its way in.
What was he even going to say to Reigen? He’d walked here on autopilot after school because he didn’t want to go home. Some classmates had said something rude, and it unnerved him more than it should have. They were just joking, after all. Everyone else had laughed. Maybe Reigen would have laughed too. Maybe he’d tell Mob he had no reason to take it personally, and Mob would be too scared to correct him.
Mob heard a sigh from inside the office, and froze right in front of the door.
“Serizawa, someone’s been out there for ten minutes, now,” Reigen said, muffled through the thick door.
“O-oh! I didn’t notice.” Serizawa’s chair screeched back. “Should I let them in?”
“I don’t know. They haven’t knocked. Did you leave the ‘busy’ sign up from the last customer or something?”
“I don’t think so.”
Mob felt his face flush. He was being an idiot. He should just go, before he made Reigen more uncomfortable.
“Fine, fine, I’ll just open it,” Reigen said. Mob gasped, backing away from the door, and though his head screamed to run, his legs wouldn’t follow the command.
“Excuse me, are you here for—” Reigen began in his customer-service voice, then cut himself off with a shocked expression. Just as soon, though, he broke out into an amused grin. “Mob! What are you doing? Come inside.”
“But I’m not scheduled today,” Mob blurted out.
Reigen laughed and threw the door open wide.
“You’re welcome to drop by whenever, you know. Just don’t expect me to pay you extra for it.”
“A-ah, no, of course not.” Mob followed him inside. His heartbeat rushed through his ears. He felt Serizawa looking at him, but couldn’t get himself to look back.
“So, something up, Mob?” Reigen asked. He was returning to his desk, but when Mob didn’t immediately respond, he paused halfway through pulling out his chair and looked at him with a more curious expression.
“Something wrong?” he asked. Mob squeezed his hands in and out of fists and stared at the ground, nothing but a nervous squeak escaping his throat. Reigen pivoted, taking his wallet out of his back pocket.
“Say, Serizawa, could you run to the convenience store down the street and get some of those cookies we serve the old ladies with their tea? I think we’re running low.” He handed Serizawa a few bills, and he awkwardly agreed, shuffling out of the room.
Reigen sighed and slumped down into his desk chair.
“Why don’t you sit down and tell me what’s bothering you, Mob?”
Mob nodded. It was easy to do what Reigen told him to. He felt calmer, if only slightly, and the warmth of gratitude settled soft in his chest.
“Did something happen at school?” Reigen asked.
“Ah, um. Yes,” Mob said. “How did you know?”
“Just a lucky guess,” Reigen shrugged. “You must have come right here from there, with the timing…”
Mob nodded, his lips settling into a smile. Reigen was so good at making it seem like he knew everything—Mob used to really believe that he did, too—but he was just observant and clever with his words. Even knowing the truth, Mob still looked up to him. In fact, he might have even admired him more, now that Reigen only told him the truth.
“Say, don’t you usually have the body improvement club today?” Reigen asked, and Mob frowned again.
“I do. I said I wasn’t feeling well and skipped,” Mob said. Reigen’s expression got serious. He knew how important the club was to Mob, so he must know now how important this was.
“But you’re not sick, are you?” Reigen asked. It was a rhetorical question, but Mob still shook his head.
“No. Just… I have a lot on my mind.”
“I can see that,” Reigen said. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Mob squirmed. He had to tell him something, even if it wasn’t the whole of it.
“Some boys… uh, first-years, I don’t know them that well, said something mean about the body improvement club.”
“Something mean, huh?” Reigen tilted his head like he was trying to look under a table for something stuck to the bottom of it. Mob realized his head was leaned so far down his hair was completely covering his eyes, and he looked back up, catching Reigen’s eyes for a moment before his gaze settled just slightly to the side.
“They said the club is gay. That it’s a club for boys that want to see each other, uh… shirtless. And stuff.”
“Ah, I see. That isn’t very nice, is it?” Reigen nodded.
“But there are girls in the club now, too,” Mob said. “And it was never… it’s not about that.”
“Of course, of course,” Reigen agreed. “They’re just dumb and ignorant, Mob. It’s not true, it’s just mean.”
“Mn,” Mob nodded, though now his tongue stalled for more words.
“And honestly, it’s a good sign that it bothered you. It means you know it’s wrong to make fun of stuff like that. Of course…” Reigen paused and scratched his cheek. “I mean, you do know there’s nothing wrong with being gay, right? Just that it’s bad to use it as an insult?”
“Huh?” Mob looked up. “Of—of course! I didn’t mean it like—well, that is—”
“It’s alright, Mob. I was just making sure what the problem was,” Reigen said.
Mob let out a shaky breath. He felt like the sad remains of a popped balloon, deflated on the floor.
“But that said, it’s best not to take these things so hard. Just ignore them, Mob. Don’t let some teasing take the fun out of this for you.” Reigen clapped his hands together, giving Mob a look that said the conversation was over, all nicely wrapped up in a bow. Mob didn’t feel that way, though. He still had so much more to say, bubbling inside him and just waiting to boil over.
“Shishou, what if…” he began, but quickly cut himself off. His jaw clenched hard, grinding his teeth together and trapping the words inside.
“Huh? What if what?” Reigen’s hands fell back to his desk.
“Nevermind. Sorry.” Mob got up and tried to gather his bag, only for the straps to slip from his hands, the contents tumbling out because he’d forgotten to zip it shut all the way.
“Ah—no—sorry, sorry, sorry!” Mob fell to his knees, quickly trying to stuff everything back into his bag. Reigen came around to the other side of the desk and got on his knees—to help him pick up his belongings, Mob assumed—only for Reigen’s hands to find his own, taking him by the palms and stopping him from finishing the task.
“Mob, look at me,” Reigen said.
Mob felt seasick. His eyes immediately clouded over with tears, but still his head lifted until a hazy image of Reigen filled his gaze.
“Whatever you want to tell me, it’s okay. It won’t change anything. I promise, Mob. I won’t treat you any differently. I won’t think any less of you.”
“Shishou…” Mob’s voice came out choked. “How did you…?”
“Just a guess,” Reigen said, and gave his hands another squeeze. “But I won’t know for sure what you’re thinking until you tell me.”
“I… I… I’ve never said it out loud. To anyone.”
Mob gulped and his gaze dropped back to the floor. Fat tears fell from his eyes, spotting the carpet. He felt small and weak, like he was just a small child again.
“Have you said it to yourself?” Reigen asked, releasing one hand to point at Mob’s chest. “In here?”
Mob’s lips trembled, a startled whine escaping his throat. Hesitantly, he shook his head.
“I don’t want… it to be true.”
“Oh, Mob.” Reigen sighed and awkwardly shifted forward, half-hugging him over the pile of Mob’s school supplies. Mob broke down as soon as his face was hidden in Reigen’s chest. His shoulders shook and his nose ran with snot, tears dampening the crisp, white fabric of Reigen’s shirt.
“There, there. It’s alright.” Reigen patted his back. Objectively, he wasn’t very good at comforting Mob, but Mob wouldn’t have rather had anyone else holding him. He felt a calm slowly settle over him, though it never fully extinguished the tremor in his nerves.
“Adolescence is always confusing,” Reigen said. “Even more so when you think you’re feeling the wrong things.”
Mob nodded.
“But there is no wrong or right way to feel. It’s perfectly human of you, Mob.”
Mob sniffled and pulled away.
“I… I know,” he said, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I’d never think badly of someone else for it, but why is it so hard, when it’s me?”
“Mm… I think that’s natural, too. Everyone is much harder on themselves than other people. Er, at least most people are,” Reigen said. “You definitely are, anyways.”
“Ah. I guess that’s right.” Mob went back to collecting his things. Reigen helped him, both working in silence, until Mob zipped up his bag and set it back down next to his chair. Reigen got the hint, and moved back behind the desk.
They both returned to their previous positions, separated by the width of the desk.
“So, Mob. Is this what you really wanted to talk to me about?” Reigen asked.
“Um… yes.” Mob nodded.
“I understand that it’s difficult, but like I said, it won’t change how I see you, Mob. You’re free to say what you need to say, here,” Reigen said, making a tent with his fingers on the table.
“I know. That’s why I wanted you—to talk to you,” Mob said. “I trust Shishou with everything. But this is hard.”
“Mm-hm. It’s okay.” Reigen nodded. Mob waited for him to say more, but Reigen just looked at him, patient and ready to listen.
Mob gulped. It was his turn to tell the truth.
“I—I am—I like—” Mob’s teeth chattered against each other. “I’m attracted to—to men.”
“Mm-hm.” Reigen nodded again.
“But it doesn’t make sense to me. Ever since I was little, I liked Tsubomi, and I did all of that when—” Mob choked up again. Reigen silently pushed the tissues towards him, and Mob blew his nose.
“How we feel as children isn’t always the same as how we feel when we grow up,” Reigen said when he was done. “Puberty changes things, sometimes. You start to feel things—perfectly natural things—and you learn something new about yourself. You’re not special, Mob.”
Reigen showed him a flash of a grin.
“Ah. Right.” Mob nodded. “I’m making too big a deal about this.”
“No, no, it’s okay,” Reigen said. “Of course it feels big. But it’s not, uh, you’re not alone. That’s what I meant.”
Reigen put one hand face-up on the desk. It sort of looked like he wanted Mob to take hold of it, but it was too far away. Mob stayed where he was.
“I don’t know any other, um… gay people, though,” Mob said.
“Sure you do,” Reigen said. “There’s a few that work in this office.”
“Huh?” Mob looked up, eyes wide with shock.
“I can’t just tell you who, though, that’s—sometimes it’s personal information, you know.” Reigen’s face looked red, his arms flailing. “That said, also, I won’t tell anyone, Mob. What you say here stays with me. You have my word.”
Reigen put his hand on his heart. Mob smiled a small, nervous smile.
“Thank you, Shishou. I already feel much better about this,” he said. “I… part of me thought maybe you would—I don’t know. Laugh at me?”
“No, Mob. I respect you. And I wouldn’t laugh at anyone for being gay, anyways,” Reigen said.
“Shishou…” Mob’s smile spread. He felt warm and bright. He knew the feeling was a happy one, but it felt more specific than that. He thought maybe it might be something like safety, if that could be a feeling.
“Is there any other reason this is bothering you? Your parents haven’t said anything mean about this, have they?” Reigen asked.
“Huh? Oh. No. I don’t think so,” Mob said. “They’ve never really mentioned anything about this stuff, though… and I think my mom really thinks Tsubomi and I are dating, actually.”
“Ah. You still talk to her regularly?”
“Yeah! She’s a good friend,” Mob said. “And I actually just think she’s a friend. It’s weird, to think that after everything. But my feelings for her just aren’t… this.”
“This?” Reigen questioned.
Mob chewed his lip.
“I mean, attraction. Physical attraction,” Mob’s voice squeaked. “I get all… hot and sweaty and weird inside. But only when I think about—with a man.”
“Ah, I see, I see.” Reigen put his hands up like he was pumping the breaks. “But you still can still love her, as a good friend. That doesn’t mean what you felt was fake, you just didn’t have the right perspective. It’s very normal, for young people to get that wrong.”
“Right. That makes sense, I guess…” Mob sighed. “But I destroyed the whole city over my feelings for her. How do I explain this to her? To anyone?”
“Mob, that’s—”
“I mean, I hurt my brother, I hurt Teru, I hurt you , Shishou.” Tears choked Mob’s throat tight. “H-how stupid am I that I did that over feelings that were just a misunderstanding?”
“Mob.” Reigen slammed his hands down on the desk. “That’s not why you did what you did. It was part of the catalyst, yes, but don’t forget what that was really about.”
Reigen pointed to Mob’s chest.
“You had to accept yourself! Just like you need to right now!”
Mob gasped. He’d had a similar thought himself, but hearing it from Reigen made it powerful, like a lightning strike in his mind.
“Y-you’re right!” Mob stood up. “I’ll do my best to accept myself! I won’t be ashamed of who I am! Thank you, Shishou!” He bowed deeply, and before either of them had to continue the conversation, the door handle jiggled, then slowly creaked open.
“I’m back?” Serizawa peeked into the room.
“Ah, yes, good. We were just finishing up, right Mob?”
“Yes.” Mob nodded. His face was flushed again. He grabbed his bag, fumbling with it once more, but thankfully he’d zipped it tightly shut, and nothing spilled out.
“Come by to chat whenever you need, okay Mob?” Reigen said. “I’m always here for you.”
“Th-thank you.” Mob bowed again, shallow this time, then said a quick goodbye to Serizawa and rushed out of the room. His heart pounded, but this time he wasn’t exactly anxious. If he had to put a word on it, he’d call this feeling courage.