Work Text:
[4/10/16 4:46:50 AM] Namjoon
i want to die
[4/10/16 4:48:11 AM] Yoongi
same.
[4/10/16 4:48:30 AM] Yoongi
fuckin exams man, im so tired why am i awake lmao
[4/10/16 4:48:40 AM] Yoongi
why are you still awake? go to sleep
[4/10/16 4:48:50 AM] Namjoon
I want to die.
[4/10/16 4:50:10 AM] Yoongi
What?
[4/10/16 4:50:13 AM] Yoongi
haha
[4/10/16 4:51:06 AM] Namjoon
sorry i’m stupid
[4/10/16 4:55:10 AM] Namjoon
That’s not how I was supposed to do it... I even looked it up haha
[4/10/16 4:55:35 AM] Namjoon
was supposed to say something like things’ve been hard lately and i need to talk. idk? i know we’ve talked about my depression before but
[4/10/16 4:56:01 AM] Namjoon
I’m sorry, Yoongi.
[4/10/16 4:57:00 AM] Namjoon
At least it says you’re reading the messages immediately :)
[4/10/16 4:57:30 AM] Yoongi
No
[4/10/16 4:57:36 AM] Yoongi
No, it’s okay. I’m sorry
[4/10/16 4:58:45 AM] Yoongi
Fuck
[4/10/16 4:58:50 AM] Yoongi
You want to kill yourself
[4/10/16 4:58:53 AM] Namjoon
yeah
[4/10/16 4:58:56 AM] Yoongi
You there?
[4/10/16 5:00:06 AM] Namjoon
Yeah.
[4/10/16 5:00:15 AM] Yoongi
okay
[4/10/16 5:00:35 AM] Namjoon
It’s not what you think it’s like... idk I don’t want to freak you
[4/10/16 5:00:50 AM] Namjoon
Not on a bridge, not standing in front of a noose, not bleeding. God, not even crying. I’m lying in bed, in the dorm. Jimin’s here. He’s sleeping. I don’t want to wake him up.
[4/10/16 5:00:55 AM] Yoongi
it’s good you have a roommate.
[4/10/16 5:01:30 AM] Namjoon
Don’t have any conventional weapons or anywhere to get some. No pills, not even a butter knife, or a balcony. Not locked up in the bathroom with a razor, some scissors. Walls aren’t soundproof, can’t even jack off without someone hearing, let alone fuck with my life. I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’m both. It’s fucking with my head.
[4/10/16 5:01:55 AM] Yoongi
okay.
[4/10/16 5:03:03 AM] Yoongi
You’ve been up for three days, you need to go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning. Depression gets worse when you don’t sleep. Just go to sleep, Namjoon.
[4/10/16 5:03:40 AM] Namjoon
you remembered how long i’ve been up?
[4/10/16 5:04:39 AM] Yoongi
What do you mean
[4/10/16 5:04:52 AM] Namjoon
And I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell you about the depression getting worse without sleep thing
[4/10/16 5:05:12 AM] Yoongi
Oh I was just looking up some stuff that’s all
[4/10/16 5:05:20 AM] Yoongi
It’s nothing
[4/10/16 5:05:30 AM] Yoongi
What are you doing now?
[4/10/16 5:06:14 AM] Namjoon
cant fuckign fin d my earphnoes
[4/10/16 5:06:20 AM] Namjoon
fcuk it fuck this fuck fu ck
[4/10/16 5:06:21 AM] Yoongi
Namjoon
[4/10/16 5:07:11 AM] Yoongi
Did you find them?
[4/10/16 5:10:02 AM] Yoongi
Hey
[4/10/16 5:10:30 AM] Namjoon
I woke up Jimin
[4/10/16 5:10:40 AM] Yoongi
What happened
[4/10/16 5:10:59 AM] Namjoon
idk
[4/10/16 5:11:36 AM] Namjoon
I started throwing things around
[4/10/16 5:11:58 AM] Namjoon
cuz I was looking I couldnt find it I threw the sheets off my bed
[4/10/16 5:12:13 AM] Namjoon
and I just needed to listen to something and I couldn’t find them
[4/10/16 5:12:37 AM] Namjoon
I was calm I swear I was calm I just started freaking out I couldn’t find them I wanted to calm down but I couldn’t find them
[4/10/16 5:12:42 AM] Namjoon
Yoongi he’s scared what do I do
[4/10/16 5:12:46 AM] Yoongi
Try not to think about it.
[4/10/16 5:13:11 AM] Namjoon
I know that? I know I’m overthinking Yoongi how else do I explain it I’m a fuckup my brain doesn’t work right I overthink everything and just because it sounds pretty sometimes doesn’t mean it’s good I’m just trying to make the best out of shit
[4/10/16 5:13:25 AM] Namjoon
whole fucking life people’ve told me I overthink and I do okay but I cant help it I’ve never been thorugh any trauma my life is great my parents are great they never fucked up I have no reason to be like this but I am I’ve been fuckign suciifal since I was 15 I’m anxious I cry all the time
[4/10/16 5:13:37 AM] Namjoon
people always tell me I overthink and I know that - you think I don’t know? but no one’s ever told me “hey, you overthink and that’s really fucking tiring but also seems like it’s not simple, someone fucked up and that’s how your brain is made and you’re actually pretty fucked up too, it’s okay for you to see a therapist, meds are fine too, maybe just talk it out”
[4/10/16 5:13:50 AM] Yoongi
well goddammit namjoon I DONT know okay? i don’t know what it’s like, i dont understand why someone like you who is so fascinated and addicted with the world could want to die and make it a worse place without you, i dont know how to say the right thing all i know is how to be an ear or say a load of crap
[4/10/16 5:14:04 AM] Yoongi
so which one do you want?
[4/10/16 5:15:03 AM] Namjoon
i dont want you to say all the right things. didnt come for that. just wanted you.
[4/10/16 5:15:06 AM] Yoongi
do you want to call me?
[4/10/16 5:15:15 AM] Namjoon
im too nervous right now im really sorry
[4/10/16 5:15:40 AM] Yoongi
maybe you should talk to Jimin instead
[4/10/16 5:15:50 AM] Namjoon
idk.
[4/10/16 5:15:58 AM] Yoongi
I don’t know you. You don’t know me. We’ve never met irl. Maybe we never will. Maybe you should talk to someone who’ll be there for you.
[4/10/16 5:16:30 AM] Namjoon
I trust you lol Is that wrong? naive? emotional?
[4/10/16 5:16:35 AM] Yoongi
No
[4/10/16 5:16:40 AM] Yoongi
It’s okay
[4/10/16 5:17:50 AM] Namjoon
do you trust me?
[4/10/16 5:17:53 AM] Yoongi
Yes
[4/10/16 5:17:55 AM] Namjoon
ok
[4/10/16 5:18:30 AM] Yoongi
what are you doing right now?
[4/10/16 5:18:57 AM] Namjoon
Jimin’s putting the blankets back on my bed lol. I’m just standing here wwatching him wtf
[4/10/16 5:19:16 AM] Namjoon
he found my earphones too haha
[4/10/16 5:19:20 AM] Yoongi
is he saying anything?
[4/10/16 5:19:45 AM] Namjoon
Hes fucking terrified
[4/10/16 5:20:13 AM] Namjoon
idk i think he hates me
[4/10/16 5:21:10 AM] Yoongi
Calm down
[4/10/16 5:21:14 AM] Yoongi
fuck that was stupid. sorry.
[4/10/16 5:21:30 AM] Yoongi
I think you should talk to him okay?
[4/10/16 5:21:45 AM] Yoongi
he didnt roll over and go back to sleep. he’s trying to do something for you, and you talk about him like he’s a good friend and a good person
[4/10/16 5:21:57 AM] Namjoon
he is
[4/10/16 5:22:02 AM] Yoongi
Help him help you
[4/10/16 5:23:00 AM] Namjoon
okay
[4/10/16 5:24:57 AM] Yoongi
Hey I found this
[4/10/16 5:25:07 AM] Yoongi
741741 <- crisistextline
[4/10/16 5:25:17 AM] Yoongi
They’re a crisis center but you don’t have to call them. sounds like something you’d be comfortable with
[4/10/16 5:25:25 AM] Yoongi
They have a website and twitter and everything, you should research it
[4/10/16 5:25:40 AM] Yoongi
and all the reviews are good
[4/10/16 5:25:52 AM] Yoongi
Maybe you should give it a go
[4/10/16 5:25:57 AM] Yoongi
It’s okay to
[4/10/16 5:26:30 AM] Namjoon
idk what to say. thank you
[4/10/16 5:26:35 AM] Yoongi
np
[4/10/16 5:26:47 AM] Yoongi
Keep it okay?
[4/10/16 5:26:56 AM] Namjoon
just thank you so much
[4/10/16 5:27:20 AM] Yoongi
you gotta stop tryin to say everything at once. that’s what ttyl is for
[4/10/16 5:27:35 AM] Namjoon
haha
[4/10/16 5:28:39 AM] Namjoon
ttyl
[4/10/16 5:28:42 AM] Yoongi
ttyl namjoon