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Nina does not fear Kaz.
She just doesn’t. She can match him one to one in most verbal sparring matches, and what she can’t do physically in hand to hand combat is completely made up by the fact that she could kill Kaz in a second if she chose to with her Grisha powers.
There is no reason for her to fear him.
So he thinks.
They’re in his office. It’s tense, this air, and he’s getting riled up.
Nina isn’t letting up. “Kaz, you need to —”
“— do not tell me what I need to do,” he growls back, glaring her down.
“I’ll tell you what you need to do if I fucking want to,” Nina snaps, folding her arms.
Kaz’s nostrils flare. “No. You will not. You do as I say because I said so, and you will do it in a timely manner. Are we clear?”
Nina says nothing. She’s glaring at him now.
Kaz’s rough voice sounds far more gravel filled than usual. “Are. We. Clear?”
“No,” Nina says belligerently. “I want you to —”
“— goddamnit, Nina!” Kaz shouts, his fury unbridled suddenly. “Can you just fucking do what I tell you to for once in your goddamn life —?”
“— as if you would do something I told you to do,” she shoots back, taking a single step forward.
“This is completely different, and you know it,” he tries to calm it back down. His hands clench on his desk where he’s leaning over it.
“How the hell is it different —?” Nina continues.
But that’s when he does it. That’s when Kaz raises his clenched fist up. He’s about to use it to make a point, about to point his thumb up in the fist and point it at her a few times to emphasize his own words.
And that’s when she flinches.
It’s slight, it barely happens.
But there it is.
Nina’s afraid of him.
And all the fight, all the anger, every last sorry drop of it drains out of him, leaving him a dry husk of nothing.
He slumps down in his chair, buries his face in his arms where they lay bent on his files.
Nina doesn't seem to realize what’s happened, the significance of it, because she’s trying to talk to him still. “I just really think if you’d let me do this, it would work better. For the plan, I mean.”
He doesn’t answer her, a tidal wave of emotions breaking over his head. It showers a waterfall’s worth of frigid water on him until he’s gasping for air he currently has access to.
“Kaz? What’s wrong?” At least now she’s aware that something’s happening with him.
Kaz doesn’t answer. He just keeps his face buried. Maybe if the floor collapses beneath them, it can swallow his shame whole, along with the rest of him.
There’s nothing worth trying to save anyway. Nothing about him is salvageable.
“Kaz?”
Kaz shrugs. “Just go.”
“No,” Nina says defiantly, and he genuinely cannot determine if she’s doing it on principle or not. “Tell me what the problem is.”
“There’s no problem,” he lies.
“Don’t lie to me,” Nina says, an edge creeping into her voice now.
Kaz can’t even look at her. He can’t face the reality of the situation; because he’s a cowardly, selfish, dangerous man, and he always has been and he always will be.
He doesn’t want to be dangerous to her. He wants her to like him, damnit.
He wants her to trust him.
And, at this point, it seems she doesn’t.
He’s failed somewhere along the way.
And that is his fault.
“Kaz. I can’t help if I don’t know what the problem is,” she says. Her tone is a little harsh, a little blunt. But why would it be soft right now? Why would he deserve that?
“It’s not a problem you can help,” he mumbles into his arms.
“Try me,” she says above him.
Kaz looks up at her then, studying her face.
She’s not afraid right now. She doesn’t even look all that angry. Mostly just…concerned.
Concerned about him. Or possibly his feelings.
He’s a selfish bastard, making her do the emotional labor part of this interaction.
“Kaz,” she says again.
“Are you afraid of me?” is what he blurts out, with no regard for how she’s going to take that question.
Nina jerks back, like that question hadn’t even been on her radar. “…what?”
“Don’t make me repeat it,” he mutters. If he has to, he will. But he doesn’t want to have to.
Nina looks at him, confusion replacing the concern. “…no?”
Kaz grits his teeth. “Are you ever afraid that I’m going to hurt you?” He clarifies.
Nina’s head cocks. She’s so beautiful, he thinks like a goddamn traitor. How can he be registering that at a time like this? “Kaz, where is this coming from?”
Kaz just looks at her. “Do you think I would hurt you? If it came down to it, do you believe I’d hurt you?” He just needs to know from her mouth. He’s gotten proof already, of course, in that flinch.
But he wants her to tell him. Just to make sure.
Nina twists her mouth. “I think you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose,” she says, sidestepping the issue.
“But I could — I would — be able to?” He’s trying to get her to say it, just say it, just say she’s terrified that he’s going to hit her, slam her against a wall, scream at her for the smallest slight.
Nina doesn’t. She just looks at him. “Kaz, did something happen?”
Kaz grinds his teeth. “I just want to know.”
“You want to know…if I am even remotely…scared of you?” Nina asks hesitantly.
Kaz nods slowly, holding his breath.
Nina shakes her head. “No. Not scared of you,” she says.
Lies.
Kaz frowns. “I don’t know if that’s true,” he challenges her in a roundabout way.
Nina squints at him. “Kaz, do you… want me to be scared of you?”
Kaz shakes his head vehemently.
Nina gives him a faint smile. “Okay. Good. Because I don’t want to be scared of you either. So I guess it’s a good thing I’m not, then, right?”
Kaz wants so badly to believe her. “You flinched,” he mumbles, maybe half hoping she doesn’t hear him.
She does, though. He knows that she does, because her face pales. “I what?”
Kaz stares at her. “You flinched.”
Nina purses her lips. He can’t tell if it’s because he just caught her in a lie or not. “Kaz…” she trails off.
Kaz bites the inside of his cheek.
“Do you remember that fight last week? With the Black Tips?”
Kaz blinks. “What?”
Nina is looking at him expectantly. “Do you remember it?”
Kaz nods slowly.
“And you remember that we got separated for a few minutes?” She continues leadingly.
Kaz nods again.
“After we got split up, a group of them caught up to me,” she says quietly.
Kaz looks at her sharply.
She continues. “I put most of them down fairly quickly, but…one of them got me good. Right in the face. It was almost an accident on his part, really,” she gives an unconvincing laugh. “The way he was flailing on his way down —”
“— your cheek,” Kaz says to himself.
Nina stops then. “What?”
“Your cheek. When I saw you again,” he says, putting the pieces together far too late. “It was red. It was more red than your other cheek.” He growls to himself, annoyed at his own incompetence. “Why didn’t I ask you about it? Why didn’t I say something?”
Nina gives him leeway immediately. “I mean, to be fair, you were incredibly busy saving the day —”
“ — I should’ve been incredibly busy helping you,” he snarls. His body is tense again.
“Kaz.”
He looks into her eyes, her gorgeous eyes that take him apart brick by brick without his say so.
“You’d never hit me,” she says as a fact.
Kaz turns his head just a bit, unsure where she’s going with this.
“And you’d never hurt me on purpose,” she continues. “I add that caveat specifically because I know you’re going to be a pedantic little shit about it if I don't.”
Kaz scoffs, but it’s true. They both know it.
“Kaz, despite anything to the contrary, I feel safe around you,” she says explicitly, searching his eyes with her own, as if she’s making certain he hears her. “Do you hear me? You make me feel safe. In an unsafe world, you are safe for me.”
Kaz stares at her. “You sure?” he argues gruffly.
Nina laughs. “I’m sure,” she agrees instantly, leaning back as if giving him space. “So. Do you concede that my plan is better than yours?”
“Not a chance,” he denies, shaking his head firmly. “If you don’t want to do it, I’ll just find another Heartrender —”
“— oh, yeah? Where? Who? You’ll just find another Heartrender that you trust even a little bit?” She points out the obvious flaw in that notion.
Kaz rubs his face with his gloved hand, dragging his fingers down. “If we do it your way, you’re…in danger. Exposed. Out in the open. And I’m not taking any chances with this one.”
Nina sighs. “Kaz Brekker, you’re such an annoying knight in shining armor sometimes,” she says grandly with a dismissive wave of her hand.
Kaz blinks. “Knight in what?” He has no idea what she’s talking about.
Nina laughs again, a sprinkle of starlight in the otherwise empty sky. “It’s an expression, dear. I’m surprised you’ve never heard it before, actually. Maybe I should call you that more often.”
“Or you could…not do that,” Kaz suggests. He’s still confused, but he can hide that, at least.
“Only if you truly care,” she counters briskly, turning and walking to the door.
“We’re doing it my way, though, right?” Kaz calls after her, eager to make certain everything — and everyone — is in their proper places.
Nina sighs deeply again. “Fine. Only Kaz Brekker approved participation around here,” she agrees flippantly, leaving out the open door. “Love you!”
Kaz doesn’t return that particular saying. Not because he doesn't genuinely feel it. He just…doesn’t broadcast his feelings like that. Ever.
But Nina isn’t like that. Nor should she be.
He loves her just as she is.
And apparently she loves him the way he is too.