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I usually wouldn’t end up here—somewhere both very close yet very far away—Vee’s house, packed with people, noisy yet quiet. And yet, I’m still here, right? That’s more of a depressing statement rather than a question, but I think it’s time I’ve earned that.
Every other night, I go to Finn’s house with Shrimpo, mostly playing video games or just talking, but because I ended up getting invited to this party, We all came here. They weren’t personally invited, but they’re my friends; I couldn’t just leave them out of this . According to Vee and Glisten, I don’t fit into the trio, but to me, I fit perfectly. I tend to be friends with everyone, but Finn and Shrimpo are my best friends, that’s different. We’re all dorky, but I guess I keep it hidden well enough to end up at parties stuffed with popular kids—either high, drunk, or both.
The kitchen is filled with the type of kids I’d expect to see at a pep rally— people with, well, pep? Whatever. My main concern is getting home— and the fact I have no clue as to where Finn or Shrimpo are. So I’ll look for one of the bedrooms, even if that sounds like the worst idea— because it is. The people around me push and shove me until I’m basically worm wriggling through the crowd. I’ll make do. An air pocket waits by the staircase, the lack of people suddenly a gift. Shelly sits some steps up, head in her hands, smelling like nothing but her faded perfume.
Shannon Fossilian— otherwise known as Shelly— is just one of those kids who ended up at the top of the popularity ladder. Sure, she’s pretty nice, but the way she landed in the spotlight never really makes sense, especially considering how much she ends up being overshadowed. Still, that doesn't change the fact that she’s sitting all by herself at this party, even with all the other popular kids around. She tilts her head up at me for a moment, then drops it back down, forcefully closing her eyes like someone just gave her eye drops.
“Looey…” she said, her voice surprisingly cheerful, a forceful grin spreading across her face.
“Are you alright?” I ask, though I already know the answer is one out of two: No , or a meek Yeah that definitely a lie.
“I’m… yeah, I’m alright.” The lie slides through her teeth, rough and obvious, I already know the truth.
“Do you know where Teagan is?”
And… I didn’t expect that to be the second half.
Teagan Teacup is one of the girls who is known but not popular, and not for a bad reason. She’s a nice girl too, just prefers to lay low and focus on school and her church stuff. Given how me and her aren’t close, you may be wondering how I know all this, and the real answer is Shrimpo. I’d never figured that some polite, rich Catholic Girl could be so close with a poor, loud guy like Shrimpo given how rough he is around the edges. But, I ended up being close to him too, so if, this is how Shrimpo describes Me , an awkward, sorta dorky guy like me can be friends with him, then anything is possible. While Shrimpo doesn’t believe much is possible, it’s the thought that counts, right?
But, Anyways, Shelly asking Me that makes me wish I knew where she was. After all, I don’t know where Shrimpo is either, I really don’t have a clue as to what’s going on tonight. She must’ve noted my silence as she looked down once more, burying her face between her knees rather than her hands.
“No, I don’t know where she is, Uhm, Sorry—” I stop myself before I can go on, given how she only nuzzles her thighs instead of lifting her head up. I crack my knuckles to try and remove any of this guilt, which I don’t even know why I have, but nonetheless, It does nothing.
Up-stairs seems fairly quiet, so I go up, even if that means leaving Shelly there alone. I don’t know what to do, but I know I sounded like a moron, unable to even help her when I wanted to. Hopefully Shrimpo’s alright, same with Teagan, even if now it sounds like a recipe for disaster is being played out right before my eyes. Well, not in front of my eyes, it's in my head, but you get it. I get it, at least.
There’s two bedrooms, each with a half opened door, and both are somewhat dark. One got some weird noise, so I just made my awkward shuffle past it to the next door. The next was opened slightly, and I could see a blanket drafted overtop someone, along with a ridiculous pokemon soundtrack. Bingo .
The blanket rustles as a boy shifts underneath, though he’s chubby and short, making it look like a stump. Somehow I began to grin as I grabbed the blanket, revealing Finn hunched over with his Game Boy resting in his hands.
He’s in some brown cargo pants he cut up to make shorts, some sort of hybrid of a pair of jorts and a love for pockets, and an old white t-shirt covered in all kinds of stains. Despite being 17, Finn already has a beer belly, or what looks like one, and, given how he smells like, I wouldn’t blame him. He peers up to me as I sit beside him, his Game Boy falling out of his hands and, thankfully, landing in the case he left wide open in front of himself.
“Loo?” He tilts his head at me with wide eyes, them faintly tinted red from being quite bloodshot.
“I’m here, bud.” I offered him a smile as he stayed beside me, him giving me one quite wide in response.
His braces whistle with each breath as he relaxes onto me, finding my shoulder quite comfy as he quickly caves in and puts all his weight on me. Maybe it’s because this happens often—but I’m used to that weight on my shoulders—the feeling of him just resting on me. He has to be tired though, he doesn’t even pause to turn off his Game Boy as he starts to blink slower and slower. The whistles die down into longer, softer drawls of breath, actually through his nose this time. He’s alright, that’s good, but we need to find Shrimpo too, even if Finn’s passed out on me.
“Do you know where Shrimpo is?” I asked, making my words much slower to try and help him understand.
“What?” He clearly did not understand.
“I’m… I think we should leave this party, alright?” I move one hand to his back, rubbing gentle circles into the fabric. He opens up his eyes again, one much more open than the other and peers at me before letting out this shaky breath of a question. “It’s loud, It’s getting late, and our parents are probably worried about us.”
“But-” Finn pauses as he looks at me, a lazy blink being the only change in his expression. “I thought we had all night?”
We don’t have all night, I mean, I know we don’t. I’m way past Curfew, I should’ve been home by 9:30 at the latest, but the last time I checked the clock, it said 11:57, and It’s been probably an hour since then, at least, so- We have to go. Finn lied to his mom and said that He was going to an after school thing for our D&D club when we never meet up after school, and Shrimpo Snuck out of the house. We don’t have all night, we are out of time .
Finn lets out a hum at my silence and grabs his bag, poorly shoving his switch in there before getting up on his feet. While he has lost his crocs, he— for some reason— is wearing Ms. Verson’s Shoes. Yes, that is Vee’s mom’s prefered name, and Finn is wearing her fuzzy pink slippers. Don’t ask me, I don’t know.
“Let’s go, mhm?” I stood up beside him, him grabbing my hand before I could even offer it to him. Dragging him out of that room felt nearly impossible, but the second we came out and the rank smell of sweaty, drunk teenagers hit us, fight or flight kicked in. Hard.
Finn stayed latched onto my arm like some parasite as I brought him down, Shelly now absent from the staircase given how now she was replaced with Vee… who had Boxten pinned to the wall. Vee makes fun of the D&D Group (She has no clue I’m part of it) but she will make out with Boxten, one of the “dorks” in it? Whatever, it’s not important, It just doesn’t make much sense to me. Still, Me and Finn went past into the kitchen, which was just as packed as it was before, pushing through people to try and reach the living room and the front door.
Some pop song I’ve never heard before now blasts as Finn lazily sings along, before we both come to a halt. In the living room, on the couch, sat picture-perfect Teagan, sobbing into Shelly’s arms as Teagan rubs circles into her back. Teagan’s makeup is smeared from tears, and, as far as I can tell, she’s completely sober as she’s bawling loudly. Something happened. Shit.
I wanted to say something but Teagan just gave me a glance before returning to sobs, hiding her head in Shelly’s chest as Tisha took a look at me and Finn as well. Her eyes were both sad and questioning, as if she knew as little as I did about this whole thing. Like an accusation I’d never know. In my mind, I envision her question; What Happened, Looey? What Happened to Teagan? And I’d respond with one thing, even if I have no clue whose fault this is; I’m sorry. Tisha’s eyes move back to Teagan as she whispers to her, her hands continuing to rub slow circles into the girl's shoulder.
I want to say it, the thing about being sorry, but it’s no use. I just walk to the door, Finn stumbling with me as he grips my shoulder. Outside is dark, empty besides some beer bottles on the lawn and some cars from the kids who can actually drive. In the distance, I can see the flashing lights coming on, red and blue, and I know what that means. Run. Finn gasps and lets go of me to run for the backyard, knowing behind it rests a patch of woods. He’s sober enough to run, that's the good part, even if he trips on those stupid slippers, one of them flying off and getting coated with mud. I nearly tripped as I quickly moved past him, his huffing and wheezing still whistling his braces as he followed me.
Shrimpo will meet us, he has to, he always does. Even when he got kicked out that one time, or when his dad absolutely beat him to a pulp, he always found us. Though… Can some angry, scrawny, short, emo teenage boy actually escape the cops? I’d hope so. I have to hope so.
The trees struck me as I crashed into them, tripping, and falling down on my stomach after what felt like a whole minute of being pushed and turned and pulled by the trees. My arms stung, so did my face, but then I felt oddly numb. Finn landed next to me and laid still, his breaths loud, quick whistles as he clutched onto me again. His legs and arms bled in some spots, the thorns and twigs must’ve nicked him before he landed. He brings himself up onto his hands and knees and grabs me, shaking me as a crazed look glazes his eyes.
“Looey? Looey!?” He’s nearly screaming before he relaxes, seeing me quiver.
“I’m here, I’m Okay–” My voice is all shaky as I respond. I don’t know why I’m shaking, but then, as I look down at myself, I realize that all my shaking can be explained in one word; Blood. My arms are all scratched up from the thorns and twigs, little cuts and scrapes covering the flesh that went exposed as I collapsed. It burns and stings from the wounds, but none of them are bleeding too bad, it just looks like a cat did a number on me. “God–” I gasped out to myself before emitting a weak, shaky laugh.
Flashlights shine through the trees, small lines of white hitting the fabric of my pants as I struggled to stand up with Finn. he once more ran for the thicket, but he didn’t get struck this time, so I just mimicked his movements as best I could. I could hear my heart pounding as I staggered through the trees, somehow not getting cut again as we ran as far as our legs could take us… which was not very far.
Vee’s house is close to the school, like, cutting through the yard, you just have to cross a field to reach our football field. The cops must’ve missed us, because even as we ran through that open field, nobody called out for us to stop.
It was sickeningly beautiful, feeling the wind against my face as I raced through the wide, grass field. My feet glided through the cut grass and sent me forward, the force making me close my eyes and collapse into the soft yet short blades of grass that coated the school’s football field. Finn comes to a stop beside me, standing upon wobbly knees and bare feet now bleeding slightly from back in the woods.
My head spun around as I rolled onto my back, gazing upon the stairs that muddled the dark sky like a sloppy painting. I raise my hand up as if I’m tracing constellations, but I don’t know any, I’m just drawing the sky now within the fingertips. It’s so stunning, I wanna hurl. Finn turns down to look at me as he pants, a bit of his belly peering out from the bottom of his shirt as he wheezes. His braces whistle again, but I think I’m okay with that. I’m okay with this.
The wind sobs as I continue to reach out, the tears running through my fingers as my arms sting from the stretch and pull as Finn keeps gazing down at me. It’s not the wind sobbing—I can hear it—and yet it's silent. It’s so loud, and so quiet. Finn grabs my outstretched hand, cutting me off from the sky and the endless noise that once was pounding my ears.
He yanks me up onto my feet and stares up at me with this look in his eyes. The same questioning glint that Tisha gave me when Teagan was crying like the wind. I don’t know his question, but I do know that we're here, right? Out in the open, the school Field, with nobody else there.
“Bleachers?” Finn whispers to me, tilting his head at me as he whistles once more.
“Huh?” I asked, not quite sure what he meant. He pointed towards the old rusted bleachers that lined the football field like some sort of fence, the metal seats that were once packed with kids all emptied out.
“Do you wanna go…?”
“Yes.”
Yes .
My feet ached from all the running, so now I went soft, just walking through the short grass. The scent of the grass faded as we reached the bleachers, the scent similar to skunk now. Sometimes kids like Connie or Gigi come here, so it makes sense. You know, the stoners, they must’ve brought the scent here and didn’t take it with them. That, and smoke. And Shitty beer, it just was this hybrid of scents that didn’t make sense for the bleachers.
Finn coughed from the smoke before groaning, taking a hold of my arm firmly as his knees wobbled. Finn wasn’t crying, but the sobs just returned once more. Loud, ugly cries just seemed to wail, and then I realized who was causing it. Shrimpo. He was here, somewhere around here, at least.
He was under the bleachers as he sobbed, clutching his knees. He had a half-emptied flask next to him, along with a pack of cigarettes that matched the flasks’ condition. His eyeliner was dripping down his face in runny tears as he wailed, vomit staining his black hoodie as he sat there, Cigarette in hand. I guessed that He didn’t see us as he continued to yell and scream hysterically, tears pouring down his cheeks. What happened to him?
“Shrimpo?” Finn whispered, quickly reaching Shrimpo’s ears.
“HUH?!” Shrimpo snapped and quickly stood up, dropping his cigarette to the ground and pulling back his lips into an attempt of a snarl. He wipes his face, only smearing the remaining makeup more, and puffs out his chest, like he’s trying to intimidate us. He sniffs and comes forward, looking at both of us before down at his feet. All he’s got are black, tattered combat boots with a touch of vomit, and he just grunts. “WHY-Why are you here?? What happened to the party?”
Finn looked down as he took a step closer to him, though he kept his hands down to his sides and finally stopped breathing with his mouth, the whistling coming to a stop. I can’t move. My feet are clamped to the ground, the grass seemed to just drag me down and take me underground. I couldn’t breathe, but I was breathing, I had to be. Shrimpo’s eyes were bloodshot as he began to cry again, pulling his lips back once more to bring another snarl forth. What Happened? The words curled inside my throat and blocked their own escape, leading only a whine to slip out from the open mouth.
“Ju-Just go home! I Don’t need you!” He was yelling. He was never quiet, and being mad seemed to be his default, but he was screaming. The boy’s eyes were wide yet empty as he yelped, and he was still crying. Who did this? Who would do something like this ?
“I DON'T NEED YOU!” He screamed even louder before he just cried.
His eyes burned holes into us, but he wasn’t really looking at us. He snarled like a dog before he crumbled, putting his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and letting out a high pitched wail.
“Shrimpo…” Finn just said his name and moved beside him, and Shrimpo just… fell onto him, as if he was weightless. The boy kept sobbing and screaming, wailing into Finn’s arms.
“What Happened?” I can barely hear myself as I spoke to him, watching him clutch onto Finn like he was a leaf in the wind. Everything went quiet, the wind stopped sobbing, all so he could cry, that’s what I know is true. It all paused for Shrimpo, for Finn, for Me—For Us .
Shrimpo didn’t answer, he just cried endlessly against Finn. I drew closer and gently opened up my arms, the three of us ending up in a hug. Maybe it helped ease him as he stopped shaking and growling from sobbing, he just now held a death grip upon us both as he cried. No more sobs; just tears. I lowered my chin to rest on top of Finn’s head as Shrimpo remained sandwiched between us both, feeling him begin to calm down.
Eventually we all let go of each other, freeing ourselves from our own grips as we now stood as 3. Shrimpo moved back to his spot and sat, leaving his flask and cigarette box beside him in a messy pile. We moved to him, Finn sitting on Shrimpo’s right while I found myself on his left, my legs extended with theirs. Shrimpo sighed and pulled out his lighter from his pocket, fidgeting with it and bringing the flame back before killing it, over and over again. It lit up our faces before drowning us in darkness, and then Shrimpo just shoved it aside with his other stuff, moving a closed fist up to his face to wipe away the makeup that ran down his cheeks in firm, downward strokes. It didn’t help much anyways.
“Me and Teagan… She started bitching at me about my drinking!” Shrimpo wasn’t quite yelling, but he was still loud as he curled his knees closer to himself. “She wants me to quit, but this shit… Urgg! We broke up, okay, that’s what happened!” He snapped before hiding his face within his palms, shaking his head violently as he dug his nails into the sides of his face.
What? They just… like that? I mean, I didn’t think they would last, but that just happened? I know Shrimpo’s got drinking problems, he’s got smoking problems, he has everything problems, but he’s been trying. I know he’s trying to get better. How can a whole relationship be destroyed overnight like that?
We all sat silently for what felt like hours before Shrimpo uncoiled, his hands falling to his sides as he lifted his head up and stared. His eyes were blank and empty as he looked towards the school hopelessly, not saying a word. Sometimes I hate when he’s loud, but now I can’t stand the silence that’s left now that he’s calm.
Finn leans on his shoulder slightly as we all sit, Shrimpo starting to breathe slower and become more hunched over. He still is a living, ticking time bomb, but he’s relaxed and calmed down now after so much time. I can only imagine how long he was out here, by himself and screaming his heart out into the distance as he drank and smoked everything he had. But He’s alright now, as he relaxes into us both I can tell he’s alright, even if he doesn’t say it. He doesn’t say anything but a gentle huff and inching his hands closer. One hand finds mine and firmly settles on top, not intertwining his fingers, just resting his hand on mine like it’s one of those heating pouces. When I look over and see his opposite hand has also found Finn’s hand and settled on it I know it’s certain that he’s okay. That we are okay.
“You still got vomit on you.” Finn speaks out of nowhere, and I think that cracked Shrimpo’s anger.
“I-What are you talking about?” Shrimpo snaps at him angrily, but he’s grinning slightly.
“You have vomit all over your hoodie, bro!”
“Ugh! Whatever, man!!”
Shrimpo grumbles and releases his hold on our hands and grabs onto the edges of his hoodie before yanking it off as if it was just a normal thing to do, even with nothing underneath it. He was scrawny and bruised, slit-scars covering his arms and bruises sprinkled throughout, but he was there. That was Shrimpo, shirtless in some field with us as vomit stained his hoodie that now was with the rest of his junk. He must’ve noticed my staring because he scrunched up his face and tilted his head at mer, his arms crossed and folded over his chest.
“Why are you staring at me??” He questions as he continues to stare.
“Well, I just wanna know why you just, uh-” Fuck, I’m stammering like an idiot.
“There was vomit and shit on me, why would I keep that shit on?” He shakes his head and looks away. “Why the hell are you blushing, Loo? You a fucking fag or something?”
I don’t know why I’m blushing, maybe because I’m acting like a complete moron as I do that stupid awkward laugh. Finn’s pulling his shirt off too, I don’t know why, but he’s laughing like this is the funniest thing he’s seen in his whole life. I shouldn't feel this way about my best friends, this means nothing. I’m sweaty as hell anyways, maybe I could… No! That’s stupid, Lewis Helium. Stupid thought. Stupid idea.
And yet I do it.
My shirt comes over my head and ends up in the pile of stuff as I lay down. The stars peer through the bleachers in clusters, teasing me and tempting me to reach up and join them. Shrimpo and Finn both join me, falling onto their backs as they stare up. Nobody does anything but breathe and watch the sky, and it’s enough. We’re here. We aren’t going home.
I can only hope for more nights like this, us three, hopeless and together as we rest and wait for everything to catch up with us. Finn’s gonna end up some dorky father probably, fishing because that’s probably one of his favorite things. He’ll grow taller and heavier, and He’ll be free with us. Shrimpo’s gonna get out of here, away from his shitty house and stay loud and blunt. He’ll stay similar, but he’ll be happy for once, he’ll be free. And I don’t know what’s coming for me, I don’t have a clue what I’m gonna become. What my destiny is. I don’t really know anything besides what has already come, but I hope that we’ll all be together. My best friends—the three of us—together but free.
“Loo? Ya there?” Finn asks, snapping me out of my haze.
“OH-Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine, just tired…” I don’t have the heart to say everything that just ran through my mind, but it’s all still there. I won’t remember tonight, and neither will they, this is all for now.
My Mom’s gonna be so mad. I think I’m okay with this. I’m okay with this ending, If we could just pause it here. I want it to stay as beautiful and hopeless as it is now.
“Goodnight, guys.” I whisper before closing my eyes, the stars still shining through my eyelids.
“Goodnight…” Finn said before he stretched and groaned, probably turning.
“‘Night, I hate you both…” Shrimpo grumbles before he curls up in between us.
I’m fine with this. I want this to stay just like this, but I know it won’t. I’ll fall asleep, and when I wake back up, I don’t remember a thing. That’s good enough, so I’ll pause here.