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Whenever Coulson started a sentence with, "To maintain your standard of fitness," half of the Avengers would mentally zone out, choosing to stuff their faces with pizza instead of wondering if he had a point. By the time he had mentioned the word "yoga", only two of them were still listening, with the rest arguing over the best Chinese in the neighbourhood, and Tony propositioning they just order from China, he had a jet that could get it there in two hours, tops.
Which is why when Coulson arrived at the tower, expecting everyone to be ready and waiting, they were instead halfway through a very intense Star Wars marathon, with no intention of moving for at least 5 hours. After some threats of threats, threats, and the carrying out of said threats, he hauled them all into a large gym that they suspected had been the same that they used for dodgeball, and, to their surprise, Alda was there!
If Coulson noticed anything strange about the way the group immediately perked up at the sight of the old woman, he was too professional to mention it, and just happily left them to it.
The first thing Alda said, eyeing the team, was, "What are you wearing?"
Peter, who had fished some yoga pants out of somewhere in his room and was modelling them, frowned petulantly, while Pietro swung an arm over him and announced smugly, "Hey, he looks hot!"
"Young love," Alda muttered, rolling her eyes, but she made no further move to press her point, instead clapping her hands and announcing, "Let's get started! Do try not to break any bones. We probably have the insurance to cover it, but it's a bit boring for the rest of us." Glancing around them in trepidation, each Avenger took to a mat, wondering how difficult it could be to follow the flexibility of a grandma.
She took them through the first few positions with limited difficulty, even if Tony did seem to be saying 'ow!' more times than was strictly necessary for how simple they were, before moving on to the better, more exciting poses.
"And stretch into downwards dog," she continued, smoothly demonstrating the transition, when a loud noise from Thor shocked everyone except her into jolting and falling to the floor. Alda, who's nerves must have been made of steel, looked Thor in the eye and asking quizzically, if a little (read: a lot) mockingly, "Did you just...bark?" Thor nodded.
"Well then," for once, she was almost at a loss for words, although she recovered quickly enough to quip, "that's not what we're doing honey, and I have a question. Have you ever heard of doggy style?" He shook his head.
"I'm sure you could teach me?" he boomed, and at that even Alda had to shake out of the stretch, laughing so hard that she was unable to speak for a few minutes.
They continued in relative silence for some time, only an occasional groan from Tony breaking the peace, until Natasha exploded, "I know I look good, Clint, but if you smack my ass one more time I swear to God!"
"Swear to God what?" Clint smirked, looking as though he was going to carry on being an annoying piece of shit before he managed to twist in just the wrong way and collapsed into a bundle on the floor, swearing.
"That," Natasha took advantage of the situation, hi-fiving Alda as she walked past to take a look at Sam.
"What," she said the word slowly, savouring the taunting tone she could take on, "are you doing?"
"It's really fun!" Sam replied brightly, from where he was attempting the demonstrated poses but merely looked ridiculous.
"Relaxing," Wanda agreed, casting a judging eye over him before standing gracefully and gently working him into position. Still chuckling, Alda moved on to Steve.
"And how are you?"
"This isn't relaxing!" Steve exploded from where he was half-lying on the floor, "This is frustrating! I'm gonna go punch something," he muttered under his breath, looking up immediately in shock to apologise but she waved him off, agreeing, "some people prefer action, but this is one way to entertain yourself in your old age, so it may be useful later."
"Or now," Tony popped up, "going on 91, aren't you Steve?" He groaned, and Alda made to reply before suddenly turning to Pietro.
"Did you just flicker?" He laughed nervously.
"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it I knew it I knew it!" Tony sang victoriously, "You've been kicking me the whole time! That's why it keeps hurting! See, Steve," he turned to his partner, "I'm not weak."
"Yes, Tony," Steve sighed, "you still are."
It wasn't until the final pose, that even Alda came out of much faster than the other positions and out of breath, that much of the team really had a problem. Within seconds, half of them were on the floor, panting and giving up, Bucky was claiming that this had to be some sort of witchcraft that he would get to the bottom of, and Scott was scratching his head and remarking, "Dude, I'm a superhero. I can shrink and shit. That right there, that is not possible."
"How are you doing that?" Vision asked from where he was still attempting, looking as though he would be giving up very soon, "How does your body get in such positions? Are you breaking something?" He seemed genuinely concerned, which had Alda wondering what was happening. When she walked over, Bruce was comfortably 'sat' in the position, not out of breath in the slightest, smiling.
"I like yoga?" he shrugged, or would have had he been capable of movement, and Alda grinned, her eyes lighting up. "Perfect!" she nearly swooned, "I've never seen anyone get it right first try! And never for this long, or in such a relaxed way! Tell me your secret!"
"I'm always angry," Bucky winked at Cap, pulling himself upright before he shook his hair back into place and saying, "I just do yoga a lot, that's all."
"Well," Alda pulled a piece of paper out of her back pocket, grappling for a pen before writing down a number, "you should call." At the look of fear on Bruce's face and the frantic way he shook his head, she giggled, correcting his assumption, "It's not me, it's my granddaughter, she does those yoga DVDs and she'd love to have you on there." After a moment's hesitation, Bruce shrugged and pocketed the number.
"Brucey's got a boyfriend," Tony teased all the way home, but Bruce, sitting in his meditative stance, was able to comfortably ignore him. And when that got too hard, he could always hulk out instead.