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It was three in the morning when Eddie’s cell phone rang. He buried his head in his pillow with a moan, not quite lucid enough to grasp the potential gravity of the situation. On the second ring, his fingers dug into the blankets and threw them over his head, a desperate attempt to block out the noise. On the third ring, his eyes snapped open, and he jolted back to Earth.
Oh no. Oh no. Oh nonononono.
There was no reason to panic yet, but he knew. Somehow deep in his bones he knew it was going to be that kind of call. The one that stuck with him and kept his blood frozen no matter how long he’d scorch himself in the shower afterwards.
He took a deep breath in, knowing it might be his last opportunity to relax, and reached for the device as it vibrated to the edge of his nightstand. His brow furrowed as he glanced at the screen: Karen. Why would it be Karen, of all people ? It was difficult to puzzle out, but Eddie figured that Hen was probably fine. What should’ve been a reassuring thought just made his heart clench tighter.
If it’s not Hen and Bobby and Buck aren’t calling then… No. Eddie wouldn’t- couldn’t - go there. Not unless he had to. He swiped the bar at the bottom of the screen. “Hello?”
He waited through fifteen seconds of solid silence. “Karen?”
She inhaled. “Hi, Eddie. Sorry for the late call, but I need to update you on some stuff that went down today.” Karen sounded weirdly robotic, detached in a way that set all the alarms in his head blaring. “There was a fire at a lab, and the 118 got called in, things got messy pretty quick and-”
Eddie couldn’t wait this out any longer. “Damnit, just tell me who! It’s not B-” He stopped, lowering his voice back down again. Chris has school tomorrow. “Karen, please just tell me it wasn’t him.”
Karen broke, her voice getting warbly. “No, it wasn’t Buck. Bobby got sick, Eddie. He got really sick really fast and- and he’s gone.” She started sobbing on the other end of the line. Eddie gripped the phone tightly, like a lifeline. Or a stress ball.
“What do you mean he got sick? What kind of fucked up lab was this? There’s no way he’d be gone already!” There’s no way he’d be gone without me there. To say goodbye. To support the team. To be there for - No. There was just no way. “I don’t know why you think this is funny Karen, but this kind of joke is fucked up.” He hung up and threw the phone across the room. The pillow found its way back into his arms and over his mouth as he muffled his screams. How dare they lie to him, guilt him into feeling this way? What kind of friends do that? The anger surged hot. He hit the pillow, tears flowing freely down his face as the rage began to subside, replaced by an ongoing loop of one single, unignorable thought: Bobby’s gone .
Karen got a call back ten minutes later. “I’ll be there before noon.” Eddie rasped into the phone. “Keep them all safe. Please.” He took a beat. “Sorry for earlier.”
She made a noise somewhere between a choked sob and a laugh. “I get it. Take care. I’ll watch over your boy for you.”
The call ended. Eddie cried one more time, texted his sister, bought a plane ticket, and got packing.
Touching down in LA should’ve felt like a victory. He had expected as much the minute he got into his U-Haul, imagining his triumphant return to LA the whole way down to El Paso. Chris would be at his side, reunited at last, as he made a surprise stop at the firehouse. Hen would be the one to spot him first and give him a big hug. Then Chim would run down and say something stupid like “It’s about time ” before being pushed out of the way by Bobby, who would give him a friendly nod and a firm pat on the back. And then, the biggest reward of all, he’d see Buck frozen in shock, with a grin slowly building on his face.
God, Buck. Eddie couldn’t stop playing the worst scenarios in his head. Buck sobbing on the floor of the house, unable to move or take a breath. Buck drunk out of his mind on a bench in the middle of the night, phone abandoned and wallet forgotten. Buck, unaware of Eddie’s proximity, planning something stupid, irrational, and permanent. No. Eddie couldn’t think like that. He failed Bobby by leaving, but now he could help Buck heal with his presence. He opened up the Uber app on his phone and ordered his first ride as a passenger in a while.
When Eddie pulled up to the house, he knew it had been a waste of twenty dollars. All of the lights were out and one quick “Hello?” into the void notified him that Buck never went home that night. He bit back another surge of fear and dialed Karen up again.
“Where is he?” Eddie wasn’t even sure if the call had gone through yet, but Karen did answer.
“I think he went back with Tommy, he was one of the only ones stable enough to drive away from that hellhole.” Karen seemed distracted. “Yeah, just looked at Find My Phone. He’s over there.”
“Why would you let him go back to Tommy’s? That man treated him like crap!” Eddie yelled into the phone, shaking it as though it were Karen herself and he could somehow impart his own panic into her.
“I don’t know if you’ve grasped this, Eddie, but it was a rough night for me, too.” She snapped. “My wife’s going to live, by the way. She’s got the collapsed lung, but I’m sure that’s less of a cause for concern than Buck going to his ex’s house.”
Eddie swore. “I’m sorry, again, Karen. I don’t think I’m handling this very well. Give Hen my love. I’ll be there soon.”
Karen gave him a similar farewell (though a little less affectionate, which was deserved). Eddie ordered another Uber, staring at Buck’s small blue dot on Find My Phone the whole way from the front yard to Tommy’s house.
Tommy lived in a one-story house that looked exactly like every other one on the block. Eddie supposed it made sense; he never thought anything about Tommy really stood out, made him special in any way. He pounded on the door and waited. Thirty seconds and he’d kick the door open if he had to.
Turns out he didn’t. After fifteen seconds, the door opened and Tommy stood in front of him, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and an unamused look on his face. He looked the same as usual. Too similar, given everything that had happened. Not even a hint of a bag under his eyes.
“Where’s Buck?” Eddie looked behind him, closing the space between them as he tried to push past Tommy. The entryway looked empty. Eddie was ready to inspect every inch of the place if he had to.
“Calm down, Eddie.” Tommy grabbed his arm. “Evan’s still in the bedroom. We had a long night, if you hadn’t heard.” Because you weren’t here. It went unsaid but Eddie still understood. He yanked himself out of Tommy’s grasp and pushed forward into the living room.
“Don’t tell me to calm down. My captain is gone and I need to find my partner.” He opened the first door to his left, a closet. “Buck!”
“Stop yelling.” Tommy rolled his eyes, but kept following Eddie. “I swear the two of you are so fucking dramatic. Everybody dies, you know.”
“ Don’t! ” Eddie whirled around and stuck his finger in the taller man’s face. “Bobby wasn’t just some guy and you know it. Buck’s lost his father and he needs me . So if you’re not going to help me find your goddamn bedroom why don’t you just fuck off?!”
Tommy raised an eyebrow. “You’re telling me to fuck off from my own house?” Eddie decided not to dignify that with a response, kicking another door open. A bathroom. “I was actually there, Diaz . I saw Buck on the monitor. I saw him break.” Eddie winced. “It was strange, one second he’s heading back and the next he’s on the ground screaming. He was stuck till I got him out.” He moved in front of the third door, lowering his voice. “I got him out, Eddie. Let me put him back together.”
Eddie looked up with a sheen in his eyes. “You can’t put him back together. None of us can be fixed.” The door was calling to him, pulling him forward like a magnet. “We just have to feel it and find a way to exist as we are now. And I need him to do that.” He shoved Tommy out of the way and opened the door.
The room was dark, two LAFD uniforms littered the floor in small heaps. The air smelled faintly of laundry detergent and iron. The blinds were drawn tightly, keeping any chance of sunlight out. This was no longer a bedroom, it was a cave commandeered by sorrow. Eddie’s eyes adjusted, allowing him to spot a large lump on the left side of the bed. A very Buck-shaped lump. He sat down as gently as possible next to it. “Buck,” he whispered and put down a gentle hand on the lump’s midsection, “I’m back.” Eddie hadn’t been expecting a response, so the lack of one wasn’t surprising. He was, however, desperate to see him. To lay eyes on his partner and absorb the fact that he was still here, breathing and whole. “I’m going to lift the blanket now.” He didn’t wait for an affirmation, pulling the corner of Buck’s cover and yanking it to the side. Eddie looked upon him and let himself inhale for the first time since the call that night.
And there he was, in all of his awful, mourning glory. His face was completely wet, red and puffy from the tears that somehow never ran out. They’d leaked onto his heather gray shirt (one of Tommy’s, Eddie noted with disgust), dampening the center of it. His hair was untamed and flattened, the curls digging into each other after so long in one place without reprieve. Eddie had never found anyone more beautiful in his entire life. “Hey, Buck.” He pulled the larger man up and into his chest. “I’m sorry I took so long.”
Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie in response. “Bobby- Bobby, he’s-” he hiccuped. “Bobby-”
“I know, Buck. I know.” Eddie could feel the tears stinging in his eyes. “Karen called me.” He ran his hands up and down Buck’s back in a soothing fashion, trying to push all of the despair out of his body so his partner could breathe again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. If I even thought this would happen, you have to know that I would always be there.”
Buck just nodded, nuzzling deeper into Eddie’s side. He gripped him even more tightly than before. A few minutes passed by before Buck finally found his voice again. “You’re here now.” He loosened himself from Eddie’s grip and made eye contact. The blues of his eyes stood out more than ever, highlighted by the bloodshot look in them. Eddie thought faintly that he might’ve burst a blood vessel in the left one. “I want to tell you something that I didn’t think would be worth it. I wouldn’t have but now Bobby’s gone and even before that, during the lockdown, I kept thinking that it could’ve been either of us or you back in El Paso and that I might not get to say it-”
Eddie brought a finger to his lips and held it there, gazing at the transfixed look in Buck’s eye. He pushed forward a little, lifting Buck gently into his lap. “I think I know what this is.” He removed the finger and used it to gesture towards his heart. “I’ve felt it too. In the airport. Getting the call. Pulling up to this place.” He wrapped his hand around Buck’s. “I kept picturing you trying to deal with this, being the one instead of him. It scares the hell out of me.” He took a breath. “I need you to know that I love you. All of you. No matter what’s missing now or forever, because I can’t say I’m very whole right now either.” His lips ghosted over Buck’s forehead. “I don’t want you to have to run over here for company. I want my partner by my side where he belongs. So let’s get back home.”
“Please.” Tommy ran his hands over his head. “Get out of my house so I can day drink about this.” He stepped to the side and gestured out.
Buck took Eddie’s hand and moved off the bed. “Come on, partner. You can have my back now.”