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“I haven’t ever been wanted. I’ve never wanted to be here. And I know no one has ever wanted me around. They claim and plead that they do, but that’s temporary. The thoughts are permanent,” I state, picking at my nails.
“Midoriya-san,” he sighs, “ we’ve been over this the past few months you’ve been coming. The thoughts aren’t the truth.”
“Yeah, thoughts aren’t the truth, but what you believe is. And I believe wholeheartedly that I am unwelcome everywhere.”
“How did this come up?”
“Every time I talk to someone, I just mess up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I make it awkward, or I talk too much, or I read too much into something, or I’m rude.”
“Do they say this?”
“No, no one ever will. But I can tell. In their body language. In their responses. I’ve overstepped; I’m no longer considered. Words aren’t true, but body language is.”
“Body language isn’t always as it seems. How often do you come off as angry, or sad when in reality you’re just overwhelmed?”
“That doesn’t count-”
“No? How not? Your body language can be wrong, but heaven forbid that someone else uses theirs in a fashion that isn’t normal and you use it to justify hating yourself?”
“I know some people who actually mean their body language,” I mutter.
“Midoriya, you’re a pro hero who has been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. RSD, as we’ve gone over, is very common in both ADHD and autism, and I believe you have it. Which explains-”
“I don’t need to explain everything. I don’t need a new diagnosis that explains why I am the way I am. I’m human. I’m a person. I don’t need to have a code that fixes the way I am.”
“No one said you did. I’m just explaining that the reason you feel like everyone hates you is because your brain is wired to think that any change is in relation to you.”
“I don’t need reasons. I don’t need a reason to be messed up. I don’t need a new label to tell me that I am wrong as a human.”
“Midoriya, these aren’t reasons you’re wrong. They are explanations on how your brain works. Have you talked to anyone about how you’re feeling?”
“You know I can’t. I don’t even want to be here. How do you think I feel about having a civilian know their Symbol of Hope is weak?”
“You aren’t weak, and here we are both civilians, just a doctor and patient.”
“Ugh, that makes me sound so weak.”
“Midoriya, you don’t always have to be strong. You’re allowed to fall, to relax, you’re allowed to be a person."
“I can’t. I have big shoes to fill. I have to create a new symbol. I have to-”
“You have to relax. You have to be human. You’re only 20, be a kid. We thank you for your service in the war; hell, we applaud your whole class for keeping everything together. But that doesn’t make you responsible for society. Allow yourself to be a kid.”
“But All Might-”
“All Might had a support system. He had people who knew what he carried, he had people who helped him.”
“I do-”
“You do, but you don’t let them.” I start fidgeting with my shirt. Trying to avoid eye contact.
“You don’t see how they look at me.”
“Then explain to me.”
“After the war, when we went back to classes. The way I was. The reason I’m here. I couldn’t deal. I had anxiety, panic attacks, I couldn’t exist by myself anymore. I mostly needed Kacchan. I was so much. Too much. People were scared to talk to me for fear of sending me spiraling. I couldn’t do anything. They looked at me with so much pity, so much disgust. They looked like I was some broken vase. They also looked at me like I was filth. The reason they were in the mess anyways. I was the reason they had to deal with the war. They knew it. So they looked at me with clouded hate. Hell, even Kacchan looked at me like that. With fear, and anger, and pain.”
“It was a hard time on all of you. That’s why your class was advised-”
“Forced.”
“Advised to seek therapy. Granted, they advised quirked therapy so that you don’t hide anything important. Which you avoided.”
“There are things no one should know.”
“It wouldn’t come out to the public.”
“But they would know.”
“We’re licensed for a reason.”
“Still. Civilians can’t know some of these things.”
“Okay, you’re going in circles now, Midoriya-san. We have 30 minutes left. What else is bothering you?” The never-ending dread of being alive?
“Trying to be the hero I need to be? The fact I’m alone in this world?”
“You are a hero, you don’t have to be All Might, you can take your time on the ranks. Just be a kid for once. Our past sessions have revealed that you weren’t really a kid growing up either. Between being bullied and trying to get into UA, and even trying to protect others from the bullies. Let your heart catch up to your brain and body. You aren’t alone either. You have class A behind you. Have you told Bakugou your feelings? Have you even talked to any of them?”
“I have to be the best. Especially since I caused everything. I can’t ever talk to Kacchan. I shouldn’t have even told you. I’m fine admiring from afar. And class A have each other, I won’t intrude. I’m fine being alone. I have mom, that’s enough.”
“But it isn’t. You said it yourself. Slow down and figure out what you want.”
“That’s enough for today. Thank you for your time. But I will be leaving now.” I get up, gathering my things.
“You are allowed to be a person.” With that, I leave. Trudging my way home when my phone starts going off.
Kacchan 🤩
I ignore it. He’s been trying to contact me since I moved from mom. I’m living on my own, near the agency that took me on. So, about two weeks now? I’ve been avoiding him. The minute I was able to. No one else really tried reaching out to me. Uraraka and Iida have tried, and Todoroki too. But they aren’t that persistent. Todoroki being himself doesn’t understand social situations, so he didn’t want to push me. Uraraka and Iida, having their own lives, slowly gave up. Here and there, I get a message to update me, asking how I am. But I don’t answer. I’ve fully secluded myself from everyone who knows me personally. I turn my phone to silent, heading to my apartment complex. I walk into my home, but something seems different. Danger sense doesn’t go off, but there’s a presence. I walk around, careful of what noise I make. I see a figure on the couch-
“Wondered when you’d be home.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Been trying to reach you. Others too.”
“There’s a reason I haven’t been reached. How did you even find me?”
“Inko.”
“And she gave you my key?”
“I borrowed it. She didn’t have any complaints. Especially after I told her you were avoiding me.”
“Why?”
“I should be asking that. Why are you avoiding everyone, nerd?”
“Because I can?”
“It’s never been your style to be alone. Especially after-”
“Don’t. Just don’t say it,” I breathe out. Trying to stop the memories. I dealt with enough today.
“Can’t you see there are people who don’t want you to be alone?”
“Why?”
“Because you’re important.”
“As a hero. I’m the one to save people. I don’t need saving.”
“That’s not true. Why are you avoiding everyone?”
“Because-”
“Just answer, please.” That’s when I look at Kacchan. He has bags under his eyes, the red looking dull and dark, hair astray. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
“No one looks at me right. Even now you can’t look at me how you used to.”
“You want me to look at you with the venom I had back in our first year?”
“I want you to look at me like I’m human. Like I’m not going to fall apart. I don’t want you to look at me like I ruined everything, like you always thought I would.”
“Izuku-”
“I want you to stop acting like I’m not a hero,” I know he can hear the tightness of my throat. He can hear my tears and starting sobs. I can’t hold it together anymore. More reason to be alone. I didn’t hear Kacchan get up. I didn’t notice the change in anything until he was wiping my tears, hugging me. I’m shaking my head, pushing him away. Or trying to, he has a hold on me.
“No one said you weren’t a hero, Zuku. This is weighing on you, and you’re not letting anyone in. How long did you think you could go on like this?”
“I’m- I’m going to therapy like the school advised. I- I- I should be better, I can do this alone.”
“What kind? Because this breakdown doesn’t scream ‘I’ve been to therapy’?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“It does, Izuku. Because you’re barely holding on. What have you been hiding from them?”
“No- no one can know about everything-”
“Not even me?”
“Kacchan.”
“Izuku, you need to let someone in. And that therapist is doing a shit job.”
“It’s not his fault… there’s only so much he can talk before I work circles.”
“Are they quirkless?” I can’t muster the words, slowly backing away since he’s off guard.
“Izuku, you know the school recommended quirked therapy. You need to be fully open so you can heal. Stop trying to escape me.” He grabs me, pulling me closer. Half of me wants to run again, but another wants the touch. It’s been so long.
“No one can know everything. He knows how I feel. Diagnosed me with a few things. I’m doing alright.”
“Izuku, you know you aren’t.”
“No one looks at me right. From class.”
“Huh?”
“You asked why I ran. I’ll tell you what I told my therapist. Everyone looks at me like I’m going to break. Like, I can’t keep together. Like they hate me. Like I caused everything. They all look at me like they wish I never existed. They look at me with pity, and fear, and hate, and I can’t do it. I can’t let people look at me like I can’t be a hero. I can’t let you look at me like that either. So just leave.”
“Does he know you’ve secluded yourself?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Does he know that you left everyone?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“What does he know?”
“He knows how I feel. How it’s affected me, he’s figured out I have autism, I have ADHD, hell, he’s trying to add another to the list by saying I have rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Just more reasons I’m a stupid fucking Deku!” I shout. Pushing him away.
“Izuku-” The pain there. The hurt in his eyes. It’s too much. Why can’t I do anything right? “Don’t run. Please, stop running.” Why does he keep saying please? I can’t deny him. Why does he have to be my weakness?
“There’s nothing for me here, Kacchan. You always were right.”
“No. I was a stupid child who was too proud of himself to understand his feelings. Do you remember after the war-”
“STOP. Just-” My breathing gets heavier. The pressure around my skull starts pulsing. One For All starting to cloud my vision.
“Deku?” He comes back up to me, raising his hand. I flinch, causing him to reel back. I’m seeing flashes of Shigaraki, flashes of bloodied Kacchan, flashes and flashes. They don’t stop. My breathing is getting worse. My vision fades in and out of black flashes, and suddenly I’m on the ground. Kacchan is there, rubbing my back, trying to get my brain to hear him. Then I feel it. His finger is tapping. As fast as it can to alert me to breathe in, then stopping for a bit, and starting again to tell me to breathe out. We used to do this when we would have panic attacks. Back in school. When we couldn’t sleep alone. When we were raw with the feeling of death. Where we made dumb moves, and I told him I loved him. What started me wanting to push him away. He looked so disgusted with me. So annoyed. Like I was a burden.
“That’s it, nerd. In and out. There you go. Just breathe.” He’s starting to rub circles on my chest, conscious of his palm over my scars.
“I-I can’t Kacchan. It’s too much.”
“It’s too much because you’re expecting this on your own. You aren’t alone. If you can’t talk to your therapist, then talk to me. Or Pink Cheeks, or Glasses. Talk to someone. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“How can I call myself a hero. All Might-”
“All Might was a coward. He ran from his support. Locked everything up. Hell, I was a coward, but I’m getting therapy. I’m talking about my shit. I’m letting someone listen and help. Why can’t you?”
“No one-”
“Someone needs to know. I know most. So if it’s about trust then let me in dammit. I can’t keep watching you destroy yourself. What have you even been eating? There’s nothing in your fridge.” At the mention of food, my stomach betrayed me. I’ve barely been eating. I’ve eaten enough to sustain myself. But the thought of being in public as a civilian, or even eating, has disgusted me to the point of near starvation.
“You don’t have to watch, I’m not making anyone watch. Hell, I'm not letting anyone watch.”
“That’s the issue. You think you can just fade from existence, but you are buried so deep in our bones and souls that you can’t just leave us. Dammit Deku you need to let us in.”
“So you can see how bad I actually am. To see that I can’t deal with being with my friends because I’m scared of messing up. To see that I can’t look anyone in the eyes because I can’t witness the pity there. Kacchan, I can’t keep this up. I can’t even admit I have feelings-” I cover my mouth.
“Don’t stop now. I think you were getting somewhere. Izuku, I’m not going to sit here and let you destroy yourself. I can’t. I can’t sleep without knowing you’re still here. You know how scared I was when you left UA, and then you left me again. I wake up shaking, thinking about you dying because of how reckless you are. I wanted to ask to move in together at graduation. But you left. Then you got even further away. I can’t live without you near me. Because if I don’t know how you are, I worry. I couldn’t admit it when we were younger, but I’ve liked-no, loved you for so long, and I can’t let you go on this way.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Of all the things I’ve said in my life, I mean this the most, Izuku. I don’t expect anything of you. Just let me help. Let me be here like you were for me.”
“Kacchan, do you understand how hard it is to be alive? When everyone thinks you caused the war? When everyone is scared to trigger you or be around you? I can never let people look too deep, or they’ll see the cracks. That’s why I left. I can’t even look my friends in the eyes because I know they see it. And I can’t take the pity.”
“Let me be here. If anyone understands, it’s me. I destroyed All Might after all. I got kidnapped. I was weak-”
“Kacchan, I thought we were past that. You-”
“How can you argue for me but make up the same excuse for yourself?”
“Because I know you. Back then, probably better than you knew yourself. I didn’t know myself, though. I couldn’t stop the war. I almost killed him. At the USJ. But Nomu stopped me. And then Kurogiri got in the way. It seems so stupid now. But I actually was scared. And didn’t have control of One For All. But it would have made life easy. For everyone else, at least. And even now, One For All brings back memories. Flashes from the start of it all. Even from the first user, making me hear his voice again. Then the war was over. No one could look at me. No one could be near me. Even Aizawa avoided me. And I was alone. I locked myself in my room. I held myself there until it was late so I could go get something to eat. Usually not enough. And I kind of kept to that. Even now. I’m too anxious and scared, and I just can’t live. Then people started tolerating my existence again. But I saw their eyes. Their body movements. I heard the changes in their voice. It got to be too much. So I didn’t try. I kept casual texting up for a while. But I knew I can’t go back to how we all were. Everyone else has moved on. So I left. I let myself go. I don’t care anymore. Maybe no one would even remember the Symbol of Hope, Deku, or Izuku Midorya over time. I could just fade like the world before quirks.”
“Izuku-”
“It’s fine. Just- leave it. I told you, didn’t I?”
“Let me stay.”
“Huh?”
“Let. Me. Stay. Let me stay here with you. So we can take care of each other. Keep us on our toes. Heal. If you won’t let anyone else. Let me. Please.”
“Kacchan.”
“I won’t sink because of you. I want to be here. Let me make up for the past.”
“That isn’t a debt you need to pay. I don’t want pity.”
“It’s not that. Deku, I swear this isn’t pity, nor do I believe it’s a debt to be paid. I want to be here, I want to fix things. Not for me. But for you. I want you to be the hero you always wanted. I want you to be able to smile. I need to see that bright smile again. I need to see you as the person I knew.”
“Why?”
“Because you always made me. You were the one following me. You were the one who was always there. You were the one who was the most praiseful of me. You made me the hero I am. Now let me make you the hero you always were.”