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Things were rocky to start. We got angry, we got insecure, we cried. But he never left. There was one night, a couple of weeks after he started staying.
“Deku, I don’t care how you feel, you need to eat. You been shit lately with eating.”
“Because I don’t care, Kacchan. Leave me alone.”
“You’re just saying that to be stubborn. Get over yourself. I know you’re hungry.” Little shit wasn’t lying. But I didn’t want to eat. I don’t do things for myself I don’t want to do. If I don’t want to eat. I won’t. If I don’t want to sleep, I won’t. And like hell I’m going to let Kacchan of all people force me to do anything.
“I’m not eating- besides, everything I think of sounds disgusting anyway.”
“Izuku, if you don’t sit your ass down and eat this Katsudon I made I will shove it up your ass-”
“Oh didn’t realize you were into that shit. No thanks, Kacchan. I’m going to my room now. Enjoy your meal.”
“Deku,” the menacing aura around him appeared with that comment. “If you don’t sit your ass down I will-”
“You’ll what? There isn’t anything you can sabotage that I haven’t already.” God, I don’t know why, but egging him on felt like the right thing.
“I’ll leave.” What? I felt my heart drop to my stomach. Frozen, my eyes searched the room. Why- why would he say that? He’s the one who came to find me. Why would he leave? My eyes are burning, but I don’t know why. I mean, this is what I wanted, right? It’s why I’m fighting so hard.
“Then LEAVE Kacchan,” I hear the wetness in my voice, my throat burns, “I didn’t ask you to stay here. I didn’t ask for you to try-” the gates are flooding. Fuck my life, “To try to save me. I was- I was fine.” I storm through my apartment, tears flowing freely, and slam my door shut. I know I’m not okay. I’ve known I wasn’t. But he can’t shove his wants into MY life because he feels shitty. To hell with him if he leaves.
Except another part of me is terrified. If he can’t put up with me, who can? Why can’t I let him help? I’m scared he’ll leave. But at the same time, he shouldn’t threaten just to make me “better”. This is the biggest issue we’ve had since he started staying. The biggest fight. And to be honest, I don’t know why I won’t eat. It just doesn’t seem right. And nothing sounds good. And I don’t seem in control of anything. I’ve also been sleeping like shit but if this is how he acts after observing me not eating I’m not letting him see that I’m not sleeping. There’s a knock at the door, and I didn’t realize I was against it. I didn’t even notice I’ve been heaving my breaths, all of a sudden, the panic I’ve felt is rushing at me, making it hard to breathe, hard to see, hard to exist.
“Izuku,” he sounds so defeated. “Izuku, please let me in.” He’s jiggling the handle, but even if it moved, I’m in front of the door. I’m sure he can hear my gasping breaths, but I don’t care. I can’t even focus on caring.
“Izuku,” he tries again, “I’m sorry, please. You’re panicking. I need you to breathe.” I hear the top of the doorframe being scraped, probably grabbing the key. I hear the lock turn and feel a small push against the door.
“Izuku, please move so I can come in.” I don’t. Seated in a fetal position, my face in my knees, shaking as I’m trying to block him out. He said he was going to leave. So why hasn’t he? I’m being pushed against the hardwood. Sliding at an angle as he steps into the room.
“Deku…” He doesn’t say anything else, silently stepping behind me, grabbing me. He’s tapping my back, and my body goes into the routine; I didn’t even have a choice. My breathing evens out, the ringing in my ears since the silence dissipates, and I can hear him humming.
“There we go. Are you okay?” No response, I don’t even shrug.
“Deku- I’m sorry. I-” his voice cracks. “I didn’t mean it. Of course, I wouldn’t leave you.”
“Why’d you say it?” My voice sounds hoarse. I feel him take a deep sigh.
“I- I don’t know. You aren’t eating, you aren’t sleeping. I don’t know what to do. My stress got the better of me. I’m sorry.”
“If you’re going to hold you staying over my head every time I get bad, then just leave. I’m not going to be manipulated into getting better because of fear. That won’t make me better.”
“No, I didn’t mean to even say it, Izu. I just- I want you to eat. Please. Have a meal with me. Take a load off. Relax for once this week. You’ve been so high-strung, and you haven’t seen your therapist in a month.” I remain silent. He’s still holding me. These are the only times he touches me when I’m at my breaking point. Almost as if this is a last-ditch effort.
“Get off of me, Kacchan.”
“You need to let me in. I apologize, Izuku. I see my mistake, and it won’t happen again. By all means, be angry at me, but I did not mean to say it. I’m also fighting demons, but I’m trying.”
“I didn’t ask you to be here. You can leave. I’m sorry for making you worse.” I’m shutting down. My emotions are leaving me.
“I want to be here. I swear I want to be here. Dealing with this. With you. You aren’t making me worse. I’m just- fuck. I’m trying. Izuku, let me help.”
“Can you answer some questions?”
“Of course.”
“Why do you only hold me when it’s a last-ditch effort?”
“I- um, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What?”
“I used to hurt you with these hands. I’m done hurting you.”
“I want you here, though. All of you. So if you aren’t willing to give me all, then I don’t want any.” So the agreement had been made. We try to help and heal each other while not shying away from the past. As I said, it’s rocky, we’re in unknown territory, but it’s us, and we know this is possible together.