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Sometimes when Nagisa looks in the mirror, he sees a killer.
He looks just the same as usual, but there's something in his eyes that makes him pause. Some kind of raw and cold emotion that makes him feel slightly unnerved. His heart rate slows down, his hands become steady, and a sort of calm envelops him.
He feels ready, but for what, he doesn't want to think about.
He feels like his nerves are all on edge, he looks dangerous, and it should terrify him, but it doesn't. He stares at the mirror, and acknowledges that this is him. This is what he looks like sometimes. He looks like someone who could kill- no, assassinate- someone in the blink of an eye, and walk away unscathed.
He feels powerful. He looks invincible.
Then he blinks, and shakes his head. He doesn't want power.
Not yet. His mind says. You don't want it yet. But you have it.
Yes, he has talent, but he doesn't want the power that goes along with it. He looks at the mirror again, and sees a calmer version of himself. Gone is the bloodlust, trapped and caged inside himself.
He knows how to control it, and he won't let it overpower him. He's stronger than this.
He's stronger than his bloodlust.
-
Sometimes Nagisa feels like an animal.
The one who shifts between predator and prey. Being predator gives him a sense of strength, and sometimes it isn't all illusory. He can take down most assailants in the blink of an eye, but in that same amount of time, he shifts to being prey.
Harsh words from bullies only contribute to the small flame in his heart, and he feeds it to the animal that he feels behind his rib cage, hammering away right beside his heart. It seethes inside him, and it takes a great amount of self control to keep it at bay.
He wonders what it would feel like to lose control, but just as fast, he revokes the idea. Losing control is something no respectable assassin would do, because it would mean that they were overwhelmed by their emotions.
It's always useful to know when to choose your fights, and when to take your time. There was nothing to be gained by rushing into a fight, with no plan whatsoever. Assassins always had plans and preparations and possible scenarios all planned out.
He also has too much discipline over himself to just lose control over something like that. Or maybe he's just a coward, letting his thoughts overrule his emotions.
Inside his rib cage, the beast seethes.
And Nagisa tames it.
-
There are voices in his head again.
There's his mom's voice, insistent, demanding, and harsh. It whispers, You will never be good enough, you should just listen to me, I know what's best. I'm your mother, you're my responsibility, I have your future in my hands.
There's Koro-sensei's voice saying, "This courage of yours is fraught with desperation."
There's Takaoka's voice, laughing with glee. "That's the face I wanted to see!"
It doesn't matter what he wants, he needs to think rationally. He can't be an assassin, he doesn't want to hurt people. He's stronger than this, stronger than his mother, no matter how far fetched that may seem.
He's going to show his mom, he's going to show everyone, that he can listen to the voices, but ultimately, he's the one who has the final decision.
He has some semblance of control over his life, and it might not be much, but it's a start.
He can work with this, he can choose his own decisions. The future may be something far away, but for him, it's beginning right now, with the choices he's making.
He's going to be a teacher, he's going to graduate from his mom, he's going to cut his hair, he's going to kill Koro-sensei.
He's going to use his skills for good.
-
People are always intimidated by Karma, but Nagisa can't find it in himself to be afraid of someone like him.
He's felt fear before, he thinks, but it's been such a long time that he can't remember everything about the experience. But he does know that this feeling doesn't apply to Karma Akabane.
He feels uneasy sometimes at his friend's violent tendencies, but he's never hurt anyone on purpose ever since the incident, and Nagisa has always had a feeling of being safe with him. Which should be ridiculous, seeing as he doesn't even feel safe when he's by himself.
There's just something that draws the bluenette to the redhead, and there are numerous reasons why.
One of them is that Karma knows what Nagisa's going through and actually understands it. He's never had to control his bloodlust though, and it surprises him to see Nagisa contain it and store it away with only a bit of struggling. He does know that Nagisa is different from him, and he's never questioned Nagisa's habits.
He constantly surprises Nagisa though, something that few people have claimed to be able to do successfully.
He learns how to calm Nagisa down, how to help him control it with less effort than before. Sometimes it's a soft touch that shocks Nagisa out of whatever state he's in. Sometimes it's a hug, meant to calm the boy down. Sometimes it's talk, lots and lots of it, always random but told with just the right amount of dramatic flair that Nagisa laughs.
There are few things that Karma truly gives effort for, and Nagisa doesn't understand why he's so important that Karma stays by his side until he's better, why he can coax a laugh out of Karma every now and then, why the redhead actively seeks his advice.
It's friendship, he thinks, but he feels too warm for that sentence to be true.
Sometimes, Nagisa's insecurities take over, and he feels doubt creep into his mind. He doesn't like me, he's just hanging around to pass the time, I'm not important to him, he's on a completely different level from me, why would he have any interest in me.
These thoughts plague his mind and cause him to be constantly wary and cautious, like he might do something wrong and Karma won't want to see him anymore.
There's something ridiculous and wrong with that sentence, but sometimes emotions turn irrational thinking rational and vice versa. It's happened to everyone at some point in their lives, and Nagisa's brain is particularly good at being very sensible the first minute, and very foolish the next.
He's left you once. His mind says. What's to say he won't do it again?
His heart beats thunderously against his chest, and the beast rears its head a little. Nagisa takes deep breaths, in and out, like he taught himself to do. Inhale, and think about everything negative. Exhale, and think about releasing all of those negative vibes. Inhale, negative thoughts. Exhale, release said thoughts.
It's a pattern, a calming pattern for Nagisa, and he finds himself calming down rapidly.
You're worrying about nothing. He tries to tell himself. Karma left once, and you survived that. If he ever leaves again, you're going to be fine, you're going to survive this.
The first thought was encouraging, but the other thoughts were lies and he knew it.
Still, it was better than raising his hopes up. At least like this he had some semblance of control, and an illusion of strength.
But then again, could he really call it strength when all he was doing was putting figurative walls around himself? It seemed like a coward's way of doing things, and not a very assassin like thing to do.
He finds himself wondering what assassins would do in this situation, and then he realizes that they wouldn't even be in this situation. They wouldn't care about being left behind, because they were the ones who were walking away. The only question is, if Nagisa did that, would he come out of this unscathed?
No. His brain supplies, and if Nagisa is startled that he's come up with an answer so quickly, he doesn't show it.
In fact, he expects it. It's a little bit of reassurance to his humanity and shows him that his morals are intact, even if his self-confidence is a little all over the place.
It also helps that he doesn't want to leave Karma, not if he has any choice in the matter. And this time, he does.
-
There are times when Nagisa just wants to sit down and scream.
These are the times when the voices in his head start shouting at him, the beast in his chest snarls and claws at his chest, and he doesn't want to look in a mirror, he's so afraid of what he sees, of what he'll look like. (Will his eyes reflect what his soul is suffering?)
He's always in control of himself, but sometimes he has to fight to attain discipline over himself. He reminds himself that he has emotions, that desperation isn't made to rule over his actions, that someone cares about him. He isn't worthless, he's equal to everyone else, he has thoughts and opinions that people care to hear.
Worthlessworthlessworthlessworthless is the suffocating mantra his brain is saying.
This isn't true, I matter, I matter, people care, this isn't true, thisisn'ttruethisisn'ttruethisisn'ttrue-
He can feel his mom's hands in his hair, telling him how pretty he looks. He can feel phantom bruises from where Takaoka beat him mercilessly. He can feel the shockwaves that came from the God of Death's clap. He remembers what the table feels like, when his mom grabs his hair and slams his head down onto it, over and over, until he submits to her. He remembers Takaoka's crazed look, and how his face was peeling. He remembers how useless he felt when he just fell backwards in shock from the strength of the God of Death's clap.
He isn't aware that he's clutching his desk chair a little too tightly, and starts when a small hand covers his wrist. He peers up to his left to look at Kayano. She looks at him worriedly. "What's wrong?"
Everything, he wants to tell her but his mouth isn't working.
"Nagisa, you look pale." A voice from his right; Nakamura. She looks at him, concern flashing across her features.
"It's nothing." He says, with difficulty. He doesn't want to burden them with his troubles, they don't deserve that.
"We're your friends, you can tell us if anything's wrong, alright?" Kayano says.
Nagisa smiles. It's a little too small to fool anyone, but at least it's genuine. "I know. I'm alright. Thank you."
He relaxes his grip, and turns his attention to the front of the room. He doesn't notice that most of the class is looking at him, but he does feel a pair of eyes at his back. He doesn't have to turn around to know that it's Karma.
When the final bell rings, Kayano and Nakamura look as if they want to make sure he's ok, but Karma suddenly appears beside his seat, and offers him a hand. "Come on."
"I'm ok." Nagisa says, trying to reassure them. "It's ok." He takes Karma's hand.
They don't look convinced, but they let him pass.
Outside, Karma walks him to the tree outside the classroom, the one where they usually spend lunch. He let go of his hand somewhere along the way, and Nagisa kind of misses the warmth.
Karma turns to him, and looks at him. Mercury orbs search blue ones, and Nagisa tries to give a smile, but he knows that Karma can see through him. He always does, just like Nagisa can see through Karma's personality.
"You're not ok." Karma says, and it's not a question.
"I'm going to be." Nagisa answers, which isn't really an answer at all.
Karma frowns. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think I can handle saying the words out loud, they sound terrible in my head." Nagisa says, sincerely.
"Ok." Karma says, and appears to be thinking.
"Seriously, it's nothing, just my insecurities, you don't have to worry." Nagisa says, because he really doesn't understand why Karma takes it upon himself to think about him.
"If it's you, of course I'll worry." Karma says immediately, and Nagisa feels a warmth in his chest. His vision starts to blur, and he feels the tears drop down his cheeks. Suddenly, a pair of arms encircle him, and he's brought forward into a hug.
Karma exudes warmth, and Nagisa drops his head on his shoulder. He takes in shaky breaths and gulps of air.
"It's ok not to be calm all the time, you know. Sadness is a part of human emotions. I would be worried if you didn't feel." Karma says, and Nagisa can feel the words pass through his body.
"Do you get sad?" Nagisa asks, and he feels rather than hears Karma's laugh.
"Of course." Karma says. "Whenever I see you like this."
"I'm a burden." Nagisa says, and his tears are rushing down, wetting Karma's shirt. He doesn't seem to mind.
"You're anything but a burden, Nagisa. You keep controlling your emotions and your bloodlust, and it's amazing how much you don't want to hurt someone, but keeping your feelings in is hurting you. It's ok to complain sometimes." Karma says, and one of his arms retracts to pat his hair.
Nagisa relaxes into the touch. "But I don't want to trouble anyone."
"You never trouble me." Karma says, and it doesn't sound like an attempt to make him feel better, it sounds like a fact, like something that's true.
"I don't?" Nagisa asks, and his voice is so vulnerable.
"You make my life interesting, Nagisa. You make me want to go to school just so that I can see you every day. You make me stop myself from going too far from pranks because I know you don't want to see anyone get hurt, even if it's your worst enemy. You care Nagisa, and it's ok to show that you're hurting." Karma says, rubbing his head softly.
It's weird, because Nagisa knows that showing that you're hurt is a sign of weakness for an assassin. But maybe, among his friends and the people who care about him, it's a sign of humanity?
Nagisa closes his eyes. He can feel Karma's stare, and he waits until he stops crying. Then he opens his eyes.
Karma's looking at him with a mixture of concern and empathy and something else. It makes Nagisa feel like he belongs.
"Can I kiss you?" Nagisa asks.
Karma's eyes widen, then he nods. Nagisa carefully leans forward, and suddenly he's kissing Karma. It's soft and chaste, and just a little bit salty because of his tears. It's reassuring, it's comforting, it's gentle.
Karma is taking it slow, not wanting to rush Nagisa, but Nagisa can feel how much he cares, and he smiles into the kiss. He finally gets it.
When they finally separate, their cheeks are dusted with red, and they're smiling.
"Thank you." Nagisa says.
"You don't need to thank me for caring about you." Karma says.
"No. I meant, thank you for worrying about me. And loving me." Nagisa says, because that was what the other emotion was in Karma's eyes. Love.
Nagisa should feel heavy with the responsibility and the weight of this word, but instead he feels light.
Karma's blush darkens, but his smile turns wider and softer at the same time. "You're welcome."
Nagisa hugs him one more time, and thinks that it isn't bad if someone cares a little bit more than his friends.
He certainly isn't complaining that it's Karma.
-
Sometimes the world is quiet.
These are the times when Nagisa reflects on everything that's led him to this moment in time.
He remembers the choices he's made, the friends he's lucky to have been blessed with, teachers that look him in the eye and treat him as an equal. He thinks about the bad things, the hurtful words that he's heard, the bruises he's maintained.
They've all helped him grow in different ways, and he's thankful for each and every experience. The positive things have helped him understand his capabilities and the negative ones have made him understand and accept his humanity.
He isn't invincible, and most of the time his emotions are a wreck. There are times when he has to control them, but there are also times wherein he can learn from them, where he can let them guide his actions.
After all, he didn't listen to rational thinking when he decided he loved Karma. It was an unconscious decision made by his feelings, and it felt more right than all the arguments and worse case scenarios his mind came up with.
His shortcomings always manage to infuriate him, but he uses it to become a better person. He learns from his mistakes, from the frustration it gives him, and listens to the Koro-sensei voice in his head, asking him what lesson he's learned.
"That being human isn't a weakness." Nagisa thinks.
He can picture Koro-sensei's face, an orange one with a red circle. Correct, Nagisa.
-
It's very rare for Karma to be rendered speechless, and Nagisa feels a flash of pride in knowing that he did this.
Though he can't deny that he isn't nervous. He hadn't really thought about this, but he did think about Karma. (A lot. Maybe more than a lot.) And while he was thinking, he remembered things. Like the way Karma would laugh quick and sharp, if he found something amusing. The way Karma seemed to stand a little bit closer every time they talked. The way he would look into Karma's eyes, seeing the mercury orbs shining with mirth and mischievousness, and the way he just felt warm.
Karma made him feel a lot of things, and his teasing has definitely never helped.
But Nagisa's always had a bit of a hopeful side, and this is a little bit of a great big leap for him. Sure it might have taken a lot of nudging and winking and teasing from Nakamura and Kayano (even Sugino joins in sometimes), but he knows that they really want the best for him, and that simple fact makes him smile.
Also, he might be a little tired of not being honest with himself, and liking Karma isn't exactly the worst thing that could have happened to him. So he took the initiative, and waited for his opening.
"And then he ran away, without giving me a backward glance! Hah! Serves him right!" Karma says, laughing that quick and sharp laugh of his.
"You really didn't give him much of a choice, Karma." Nagisa says, exasperated.
"Yeah well, he should have known better than to try to trick me. I mean, what was he expecting? That he would just get away with it? Obviously not." Karma says, smirking.
"I hope he wasn't too scared." Nagisa says, feeling a flash of pity for the victim.
"Of course he wasn't. I controlled myself. Barely." Karma says, with a glance at Nagisa.
"Thank you for trying." Nagisa replies, and Karma's smirk turns a little softer.
"As long as it makes you happy." Karma replies, and Nagisa is definitely not blushing.
Nagisa hesitates, then says it. "You see, this is why I love you. You act as if you don't listen to anybody but yourself, and that's not true. You're an amazing person Karma, and I'm not just talking about your hobbies. Every part of you, even the bad parts, make something absolutely remarkable."
And this is when Karma stops, and looks at him. Like really looks at him. Nagisa can see a bunch of questions in his mercury orbs, and he's torn between sighing and laughing. "Of course I mean it. Why wouldn't I?"
And it should surprise Nagisa that he can easily answer a question that Karma's never asked, but he's too busy dwelling in the feeling that it feels right.
Karma's still looking at him, and he looks a little unsure, and something in Nagisa clenches up. "I'm sure you already knew that though, I just wanted to say it."
He starts to walk ahead, because he doesn't want to have to deal with the humiliation he's sure he's about to receive, when a warm hand on his wrist stops him. He turns to look at Karma, but the redhead just smiles and moves his hand from Nagisa's wrist to his hand. He laces their fingers together. "Is this alright?"
Nagisa blinks. "Yeah."
Karma's smile widens into a grin, and he takes the lead, talking as if nothing happened.
But something's changed, and Nagisa can feel it. It feels nice, it feels right, and it feels as if something inside him has been completed.
In his mind, the voices are quiet.
-
- (STOP HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE MANGA'S ENDING, AND IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS. IF YOU HAVE READ THE ENDING, PLEASE READ ON.) -
- (THANK YOU) -
-
He stands in front of the mirror in his room, and takes in his appearance.
His hair is down, and it tumbles past his shoulders in blue waves. He's wearing the school uniform for boys, seeing as it's the last day of school. His eyes have a shiny look to them, indicating that he's been crying recently. His hands shake, remembering how he killed Koro-sensei, with a knife strike right through his tie and hitting his heart.
He looks in the mirror, and he sees a teacher. He reaches his hand out, and touches the glass. He remembers his mistakes, his decisions, his emotions, all of the things he's learned.
Sometimes he feels scared, and the beast in his rib cage turns into a snake. It's a symbol of balance and opportunity, and he feels calmer. The snake can be a little assertive, sure, but it's easier to control than the fears in his mind.
Right now, his hand is trembling, and he has words that he has to say before anything else.
He takes in a deep breath, and remembers all the times his mother took him to see his reflection in the mirror, and told him how pretty he looked. He remembered how he hated it, hated every minute of it, hated his cowardice the most. How he wanted to be anywhere but there, how he wanted to get away from his mother's hands. How he wished he looked less like a girl, and how he just wanted his mother to be proud of him.
He remembers the way he felt the way his scalp kept hurting, the way he wished his hair was shorter, the way he wished his mom would just love and accept him the way that he is. He remembers wondering what he did wrong, and lying awake at night, crying and wiping his eyes vigorously because he didn't want to go to school with red puffy eyes and lie and say that everything was ok.
Some days were worse than others. But just like that, there were some days that were better as well. He chooses to learn from the former, and take joy in the latter.
He's still a little scared, but he knows he has to let the past go. So he says the only thing that matters. "I forgive you."
He steadies his hand, and raises it. He brings the scissors to the first lock of hair, and keeps his eyes wide open.
He cuts it.
It drops, and he feels lighter. He cuts another lock of hair, and another and another. Somewhere along the line, tears have started slipping down his face, and bursts of laughter escapes his mouth. He's doing this, he's actually doing this, he's cutting his hair short! He feels nervous and excited all at once, and every lock of hair that falls down makes him inexplicably happy.
All too soon, he's done, and when he looks in the mirror, his breath catches. He has tear streaked cheeks, and some of the cut hair has fallen on his clothes, but his hair is shorter. The back hangs a little below his ears, but he kept his bangs.
It's kind of messy, and some of his hair hangs shorter than others, and the cut is a little jagged in some areas, but it doesn't matter. He cut his hair with his own hands, and he's happy.
For the first time in a long time, he feels at peace.