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Sometimes when Karma looks into the mirror, he thinks he sees a demon.
He doesn't see anything as dramatic as horns and a tail, but he sees something in his eyes that burns a little bit darker than normal. People always describe his eyes as "haunting" or "piercing" or even "demon's eyes."
Demon's eyes to match my devil's soul, Karma thinks.
It would probably be poetic to some people, but Karma thinks it's as close to honest as he's ever going to be. He likes looking in the mirror, because it reflects his soul right back at him.
What am I going to do with you, Karma? Nagisa's exasperated voice says in his head.
It puts a smirk on his face and reminds him that he's got more important things to be doing.
He dials Nagisa's number and puts the phone next to his ear.
Nagisa picks up on the third ring. "Hello?"
"Heyyy, Nagisa-kun! Want to hang out?" He asks.
"It's 8 in the morning." Nagisa says, incredulously.
"That's the best time to hang out!" Karma says. "Where would you like to go?"
"Actually, I'm trying to study." Nagisa mumbles.
"Then I'll come over." Karma says. "I'll bring sushi, you love that, right?"
"I'll pay you when you come here." Nagisa replies.
"No need, just give me your undivided attention~." Karma teases.
"Studying, Karma-kun." Nagisa reminds him and Karma smirks.
"You'll have plenty of time for that later."
Nagisa sighs. "I can see there's no changing your mind. Ok, see you later Karma-kun."
"Aww, you know me so well!" Karma says. "Don't miss me too much!"
"Bye." Nagisa says in a deadpan voice and hangs up.
Karma lifts the phone away from his ear and grins at it. If he looked in the mirror just then, he'd see something a little softer in his eyes and something more boyish in his grin. But he doesn't look because his thoughts are preoccupied, and for once, that's a good thing.
He walks away from his house and wonders if Nagisa would be annoyed if he arranged the sushi to look like Karma's face.
Nah. Karma decides. He wouldn't mind at all.
-
There are times when Karma feels as if he has a storm in his heart.
It's settled there long ago, and it has a talent for affecting its surroundings. It causes his heart to seize up, to stutter, and to pound against his rib cage frantically, as if it wants to leap out of his chest.
The storm comes to life when without any warning, but with plenty of omens and predictions. It urges Karma to destroy, to wreck, to disturb the natural order of things, to break the world that has been so carefully put together.
Once it's started, Karma finds that it's easier to lose control than to try and rein it back in. There are few who would willingly stand and face the oncoming storm, because it promises destruction and pain. It's so much easier to run away and to find shelter, to think of one's self before anyone else.
But Nagisa has never taken the easy way out before.
No matter how many times Karma lets himself go, Nagisa endures the wreckage and is there to help him piece himself back together. For the most part, Nagisa knows that Karma hates feeling vulnerable, so he commits himself to staying by his side. There are times when words aren't needed, because Nagisa understands that nothing he can say will fix Karma.
But maybe he never actually wanted to fix Karma. Maybe he stays by him to show Karma that being fixed is an option, a process, and something that Nagisa will leave entirely in Karma's hands.
Or maybe Nagisa was also a mess. Maybe he was also broken, and all he could do was be there for Karma.
In the end, maybe that's what Karma needs. The knowledge that someone could be there for him in the best times and the worst times, and watch him as he fell apart and put himself back together.
In his heart, the storm stirs. And Karma calms it.
-
The voice in his head is talking again.
Sometimes Karma thinks it sounds like Koro-sensei, occasionally he thinks it sounds like a demon's voice, and sporadically he thinks it's Nagisa's voice. It's funny, how he can't seem to decide, even if the voices don't sound alike at all.
It could just be a matter of perspective, but the voices only differ based on the situation. When he has to assess the situation before making a decision, he hears Koro-sensei's voice. When he doesn't care about the consequences, he hears the devil's voice. But when he does think about the consequences, he hears Nagisa's voice.
Maybe it should bother him that he has subconsciously made Nagisa his voice of reason, but Karma really doesn't care. As far as he's concerned, Nagisa is the only person that could make him listen every so often, and he's fine with that.
Nagisa is one of the few people who genuinely give good advice. Which is a pity, because Karma is known for ignoring good advice.
It's nothing against Nagisa, but Karma is used to doing things the easy way and not sparing a thought for anyone else.
Except, of course, if Nagisa asked him to. It was quite obvious to Karma that he had a bit of a weakness for Nagisa, but that was fine, because he didn't let it show. He'd arranged a rule for himself wherein he only listened to Nagisa 50% of the time, and the other 50% he listened to no one but himself.
It probably wasn't an accurate system, but it worked for Karma most of the time.
There was another reason why he didn't want to listen to Nagisa all of the time. Because if he did, then his enemies would know about it and they'd probably go after Nagisa in order to get back at him. And he couldn't let that happen.
So he puts up a facade of indifference and wears the devil-may-care attitude better than anyone else, because it's easier than admitting that he's getting fond of Nagisa. It's less dangerous too, for both himself and the other boy.
If only he could convince himself of that.
-
People always seem to underestimate Nagisa.
They look at him and think, Oh, he's not a threat at all. It's a common first impression, and it may have been Karma's downfall from the very beginning.
If he hadn't underestimated Nagisa, what would have happened? Would they still have been able to hang out as frequently as before? Or would Karma have chosen to avoid him? Would he have been able to let down his guard around Nagisa at all? Would they still have been able to go to movies and to pretend that they were fine?
(The problem with the last question is that if Karma hadn't known, there would have been no need to pretend.)
On the worst days, Karma finds himself blaming Nagisa. They would have been fine if Nagisa hadn't shown Karma another side of him, something a little bit darker than Karma was prepared to handle.
On the best days, Karma finds himself blaming himself. There should have been something else he could have done, something to prevent them from becoming distant. He could have fought harder, done better, been there for Nagisa.
But who is he kidding? He knows what they say about the best laid plans and no matter how good Karma is at strategy, he's never been good at people.
If he was, he wouldn't have hurt Nagisa numerous times, he wouldn't have gotten expelled, he would have Nagisa by his side right now.
Or maybe you're just a screw up from the start and don't really deserve anyone. A voice in his head taunts, and it sounds like a demon.
Maybe you should just screw yourself. Karma thinks. Then, great, I'm going crazy.
You're not going crazy. A voice, similar to Nagisa's, says. You're just lashing out at your demons without being able to kill them properly.
I'm trying. Karma thinks, but he knows that he could do better.
His weakness is his confidence, his belief that things should always go the way he planned simply because of his will. It's a foolish way of thinking, but Karma has to admit that he wouldn't have believed so much if things didn't go his way 98% of the time.
Not an excuse. He reminds himself.
He knows what failure and humiliation feel like now, and he knows how to humble himself because of it. He doesn't believe that the world revolves around him anymore, but he still finds himself struggling sometimes to control his superiority complex.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why he hangs around Nagisa. The shorter boy has never once acted as if he knew better, and acts so damn modest and shy that it was no wonder Karma couldn't sense the real bloodlust in him until it was too late.
But that was then and this was now and Karma likes to think that he can do a little bit better than before.
If only he knew how.
-
There are times when Karma just wants to punch the wall until his knuckles bleed.
The only other option is to lash out, and that isn't possible. Hurting others used to give him satisfaction, but Nagisa would have to take care of them, just like he takes care of all of Karma's messes.
Hurting Nagisa is something that Karma forbade himself to do long ago.
He already knows what bruises look like on the shorter boy's skin, and he remembers the conflicted look in Nagisa's eyes when Karma first found out. He recalls the way Nagisa flinched from him, thinking that the disgust in his eyes was directed at him.
Never. Karma thought.
"Disgust is never a word I associate with you." is what Karma had said instead.
Nagisa had looked at him with wary eyes but Karma couldn't find it in himself to blame him. So instead, he held out his arm and told Nagisa to lean on him.
And Nagisa did.
Karma had stood there, Nagisa leaning against him, and they had looked out at the world.
You deserve better. is what Kayano probably would have said.
Don't you dare blame yourself for anything. is what Nakamura probably would have said.
I don't see you as anything less. is what Karma should have said.
But Karma has a talent for twisting words around so that they barely resemble anything close to what he means them to be. So he keeps silent and hopes that Nagisa knows all of the words that he can't say.
He feels the tension in Nagisa's whole body, the stiffness in his shoulders, the way he's trying to keep himself together.
Karma, naturally, takes him apart. He rubs circles on Nagisa's back and wipes away his tears and holds him while tremors run throughout his body. He feels tears stain his shirt but he merely holds Nagisa closer and rests his chin on the top of Nagisa's head. He gives Nagisa strength because he can't form the words that are meant to comfort without fearing that it will turn out completely wrong.
He knows that he can't fix Nagisa, that he will never be able to fully take away his pain, but that isn't what Nagisa needs. So Karma gives him the chance to fall apart, the choice to be stronger, the guarantee of his support.
Because that's what Nagisa gave him before, and keeps on giving him now. And it's time for Karma to return the favor.
He holds him tight and doesn't let go.
-
Karma finds it funny how, even after how often he told himself that he wouldn't hurt Nagisa, he went ahead and did it anyway. Numerous times in fact.
And ok, maybe it isn't funny, maybe it's ironic, or maybe it just means that Karma shouldn't be trusted. Because it should have been a simple thing, should have been easy for him to do. But Karma has always had trouble with simple things.
Things like: Know your limits, don't take a fight too far, remember your health, don't hurt Nagisa.
He can't remember how many times he's done the opposite of these. He doesn't know how to follow rules, even ones he set for himself. And perhaps it's a sign, something that screams that he's too dangerous to be around.
Nagisa's never thought of you like that. A voice in his head reminds him.
Karma's always thought that it was a weakness of Nagisa, to always try and see the best in others. Or maybe it was his strength and who was Karma to judge?
After all, if it was Nagisa's talent to see the best in others, it was Karma's talent to see the worst in others.
My personality just has to counter his, doesn't it? thought Karma, wryly. It's as if we're meant to oppose each other or something.
Karma knows that if this were anything other than real life, Nagisa would be the one to defeat him. Because the good guys always win and if it came down to it, no matter how dangerous Nagisa was, Karma's soul would be heavier than his.
We'd tear each other apart. Karma thinks.
But then again, things have to be broken before they can be fixed.
-
Breaking things come easily to Karma.
He doesn't know how to handle fragile things because all he can do is tear things apart at the seams until it becomes irreparable. His mother used to tell him that nothing couldn't be fixed but that was before he came home covered in bruises, before the rumors circulated, before he became a legend for all of the wrong reasons.
He knew that he could never be normal. He knew the kind of person he was, even at a young age. But it was harder for the people around him to accept it and his mother chose to leave him because she couldn't handle it.
She used to tell him that people envied him because of how intelligent he was, but he knew that they were afraid of him because of how reckless he seemed. He acted as if he flirted with death on a daily basis and maybe he did.
Maybe he was just a little bit too much for people, and maybe that was fine, he didn't really need anyone anyway, because who would ever care for him?
Nagisa does. The thought comes into his mind, unbidden.
He cares for everyone. is what Karma firmly believes in.
But he's different with you. his treacherous mind insists.
Of course he's different with me. He acts more natural around them. Karma thinks.
Nakamura makes Nagisa laugh, Kayano can make him smile, and Sugino makes him talk about what's on his mind. And Karma? Karma tests Nagisa to his breaking point every day. He tears him apart with his eyes and puts him back together, trying to understand what makes him so uneasy. Sometimes he thinks he can let it go, thinks that it isn't worth his efforts, but then Nagisa goes and surprises him and makes something inside him ignite.
He prides himself on being able to read people, but there are rare moments wherein Nagisa does something completely unexpected and it intrigues him. Nagisa intrigues him and he can't get enough.
It feels as if Nagisa has made him a little more alert, a little less cynical, or maybe it's just his imagination. Either way, Karma thinks he'd like to stay by Nagisa's side for a bit longer.
-
"Why don't you just talk to him?" Nakamura asks.
"We talk." Karma says, unconvincingly.
"I'm pretty sure you don't talk about your feelings." Nakamura says, looking at him accusingly.
"What's there to talk about?" Karma asks.
"You," Nakamura says, pointing at him, "feel something for him." At the last word she jerks her thumb behind her to point to where Nagisa currently is, a few seats away.
"It's normal to feel things for people, Nakamura. For example, right now, I'm getting really annoyed by you." Karma replies.
Nakamura scoffs. "You're mildly annoyed, and you know I'm right."
"No comment. Next topic!" Karma says, waving his hand around lazily.
Nakamura sighs. She's silent for a few minutes, then says, "He's hurting, you know."
"I know." Karma says. "But I fail to see how I can help him."
Nakamura sighs louder. "I can't tell if you're being stubborn or determinedly oblivious right now."
"Both. None. Either." Karma says. "Anyway, this isn't about me. This is about him."
"Nagisa chose to be your friend, you know. He chose you before you get expelled and he chose you when you came back. He's never once given up on you." Nakamura says.
"Then explain why he's always so polite and careful around me." Karma demands, a flash of anger in his eyes. "He never acts that way around you or Kayano. Or Sugino, for that matter."
"That's because he thinks he isn't good enough for you! He gave up on himself a long time ago, but he's re-learning himself, and deep down, he's still afraid that you'll leave him again. That's why he's so polite around you, it's because he's giving you a chance to leave, a chance to prove his insecurities right." Nakamura shoots back.
"He shouldn't feel that way." Karma says, then adds, "I couldn't leave him even if I wanted to."
Something in Nakamura loosens, and she perches on the desk of the seat next to him. "I knew that. But he doesn't, and I'd really appreciate it if you could show him otherwise."
"You're so demanding." Karma says, but Nakamura knows that he's thinking about it.
Nakamura smirks. "If you guys get together, you owe me 1000 yen. Oh, and I better be the best woman at the wedding."
"Don't get ahead of yourself." Karma says, but there's a faint blush on his cheeks.
"Hey. Life is short, don't make Nagisa suffer, both of you deserve to be happy." Nakamura says. "Also, if you hurt him, like seriously hurt him, I will hunt you down and send you to hell."
Karma raises an eyebrow. "Noted."
Nakamura slaps his shoulder. "Go get him."
-
Sometimes the world is loud.
Whenever Karma is with Nagisa, it's as if he's tuned in to every single detail. The rustling leaves, the rocks on the ground, the wind in the trees, the way Nagisa's chest rises and falls.
Karma's been with Nagisa for over a week and it's not really that different from how they were before. Sure, there's more flirting (courtesy of himself), more affection (a little bit from both of them), and more sassy remarks (surprisingly, from Nagisa. Karma feels so proud right now.)
It's been a rough couple of days, filled with emotional insensitivity and frantic stutterings of the heart, but Karma thinks that both he and Nagisa have gone out even better than before.
He can hold Nagisa's hand now, and he probably shouldn't be so happy about that, but he is. Nagisa's touch is grounding and it makes his mind clearer.
Sometimes they hang out at his house, and Nagisa fills in all the empty spaces with the sound of his heart beating beneath Karma's hand, and the way his slender arms snake around Karma's neck, bringing him closer for a kiss or two or a few dozen. Sometimes they hang out at Nagisa's house, and they spend time studying and learning the patterns of each other's emotions. Sometimes they go for walks, adding to the world's noise with their own language of thought and sound and love.
Right now, they're sitting underneath a tree that's a few miles away from Class E. It's lunch time, so technically, they're not skipping anything.
"Hey. Hey, Nagisa." Karma says, poking him in the side repeatedly.
Nagisa lifts his eyes from the book in his hands and tilts his head to look at Karma. "Hey." He says.
"I'm bored." Karma says, and Nagisa would have been hurt if he didn't know Karma. But he does, and he knows that what Karma is really asking for is his attention.
Nagisa sighs, exasperatedly fond. "It's barely been 10 minutes, Karma."
"I've been quiet for nearly 10 minutes, I think that's a new record." Karma replies.
"What, would you like a reward?" Nagisa asks, rolling his eyes.
Karma suddenly leans in and smirks. "Why, are you offering?"
Nagisa's eyes widen in surprise, then a smaller but definitely matching smirk appears on his face. "Depends, are you interested?"
And there's a raging blush on Nagisa's face but his eyes are alight with mischief and Karma falls a little bit harder. God, he's so in love with him.
Karma tilts his head to the side, then brings one hand to rest on Nagisa's neck. He leans in closer and whispers. "Always," near Nagisa's lips. Then he leans in and closes the distance between them.
Nagisa's lips are firm but yielding and move gently across his. Karma could get addicted to this without even noticing and he thinks that it would be a problem in the future, but it's getting harder to think when Nagisa is unconsciously demanding all of his attention.
And he has it, Nagisa always has it, because he's the only one that can make Karma breathless with everything he does. A smile, a tilt of the head, an ice pack on a bruise, a helping hand, Nagisa is all of this and more. He's one of the best assassins in the class, probably the best, but he's got an honest heart and a human soul.
And a really nice mouth. Karma muses, biting down lightly on Nagisa's bottom lip.
Nagisa opens his mouth and Karma breathes him in.
-
He stands in front of the mirror in his room and takes in his appearance.
His hair is sticking up all over the place and his school tie is crooked. He's wearing Kunugigaoka Junior High School's uniform, and he's hit again with the reminder that it's the last day of school. His eyes are shining with unshed tears and his hands are shaky. He remembers Koro-sensei, remembers how he died, remembers how he held down a part of him and felt the knife go through him as intensely as if it had been him that Nagisa had killed.
He looks in the mirror and he sees a bureaucrat. He reaches his hand out and touches the glass. He remembers his screw-ups, his choices, his thoughts, all of the things that he's learned and relearned.
Sometimes it takes too long to tame the storm in his heart, but he does it anyway, because he knows that storms always have a breaking point.
The demon in his head rarely talks that much and he never hears Nagisa's voice in his head anymore because he's too busy hearing it in his ears. He thinks it's a much better exchange, really.
As for Koro-sensei's voice, it whispers every now and then to impart a few words of wisdom or some badly timed advice, but for the most part, it's silent.
Karma has his own voice to speak with, to someday address the problems of the citizens in his country, and to provide justice for the people that need more than they get, and lose more than they have.
He knows that it's going to be a difficult undertaking, but he's prepared. He's got Koro-sensei's teachings and he's got his own wisdom and he's got Nagisa's support.
He's flesh and blood and he's so much of a mortal that his heart hurts sometimes. But that's ok, because he knows that he can do something great with the limited time that he has left.
For the first time in a long time, he trusts in something that feels larger than life and it feels right.