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He stared down at New York. A thousand lights glowed like millions of star clusters in the night. His name was John Walker, and he was a failure. Sure, some wouldn’t think so. After all, he was literally sitting on what used to be the Avengers’ tower, and he was now a member of a brand-new prestigious superhero team.
But everyone that John had loved called him a failure. Olivia. His son. Even his goddamn team (they hadn’t said it, not really, but he knew they thought it). And sure, he was nowhere near perfect. He was a murderer, a broken man so used to wartime that he failed miserably in peacetime, the greatest American failure since President Buchanan.
So he was up here, on the edge of life and death. He had nothing to live for. His entire team hated him. The world hated him. His family had left him.
This was the only way to ensure that he actually died. Pills, bullets…it would take a noticeable amount (too many) to bring John down, with the serum that had run through his veins for the last three years. It would wake the others, and he didn’t want them aware until it was too late. They’d probably try to save him, even though they hated him, because they were good people- unlike John. And sure, this would be messy, and very public, but at least it would be over quick.
And he deserved it. After everything he’d done, a public, horrifying death was all he deserved.
‘I’m coming, Lemar,’ he whispered to the stars.
It was Lemar’s birthday today. Lemar should’ve been here. He should’ve been the one the government made into the replacement for Steve Rogers. He would’ve done better. He wouldn’t have fucked up, because Lemar had been a good man- better than John and more stable. If John was francium, radioactive and unstable with an extremely short half-life, then Lemar had been a noble gas with his stability and flexibility.
Lemar had deserved to live all those years ago. John had deserved to die. But today John evened the score. Today everything was set right. He stepped to the edge of the roof and surveyed the nightscape of the city. It was midnight, and twilight had swallowed the city whole. It was still moving, of course, still bustling, still glowing; but everything seemed dimmer, seemed quieter. The perfect time
But then something happened.
Ava materialized through the floor, as per her custom. ‘There you are, Walker, we’ve been looking for you-’
John, already tense and perilously perched on the edge of the roof, stumbled, caught off guard by Ava’s sudden appearance, and he fell over. He heard Ava yell, but couldn’t make out her words with the wind whistling in his ears. He smiled, but it was not a happy smile. It was a smile of relief, because now the worst was over. Any moment now, he was going to hit the ground, and everything was going to end.
But his teammates proceeded to intervene. Again. Out of nowhere, a metal arm smashed through a window and grabbed John by his ankle.
‘Damn it, Walker,’ Bucky hissed.
But he didn’t sound angry. Or at least, not his usual flavor of anger. He sounded concerned. His anger seemed more about the fact that John had evidently been struggling without anyone noticing.
‘Let me go,’ John snapped. ‘Right now.’
‘I can’t do that,’ Bucky said, and he pulled John into the common room.
John snapped. He lunged towards the window, desperation creeping through him, but then Alexei tackled him.
‘Get off me,’ John snarled, a sob building in his throat, ‘I have to-‘
‘My friend, you don’t have to die,’ Alexei said softly.
‘You don’t understand,’ John hissed, struggling beneath the other super soldier.
‘I do. Believe me, comrade, I do,’ Alexei corrected, not budging. ‘But we are family now. And family does not let family die.’
‘We’re not family!’ John yelled, a sob cutting through him. ‘You guys are, but me-? I’m just spare parts.’
Alexei got up and carried John away from the window before setting him down on the couch and blocking the path to the broken window. Bucky loomed next to him and soon a terrified looking Ava appeared.
‘Where did this come from?’ Bucky questioned softly.
John laughed. It wasn’t pleasant. ‘You know, Bucky. You were there.’
Bucky’s eyes widened.
‘It’s his birthday,’ John whispered, shaking. ‘It’s his birthday and he should’ve been alive and I shouldn’t be here and-‘
Bucky cut him off. ‘Lemar wouldn’t want you to kill your self, John, what the hell!’
‘Well, who knows what he wants, he’s dead,’ John snapped. ‘And I’m here, a ghost in armor that doesn’t fit me. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to live knowing he died for me- a man so flawed that even the former Winter Soldier hated me instantly.’
‘It was the shield, not you,’ Bucky insisted.
‘We may seem distant, but all of us care. We are all broken, and we all express that in different way,’ Alexei added.
‘I don't hate you,’ Ava whispered, looking haunted. ‘N-not anymore. You’re family now, John- an annoying family member, sure, but one all the same.’
‘And we all have done worse than you,’ Bucky added. ‘Honestly, you’re probably the one of us with the least blood on their hands. You only killed one innocent. I killed a US president and dozens of innocent people.’
Momentarily distracted by the implications of what Bucky was saying, John eyeballed Bucky. ‘You killed JFK? What the fuck?’
Bucky shrugged. ‘Not my proudest moment. But the point is, if we can be redeemed- people with so much red on our ledgers that it looks like we were finger painting with blood- then you damn well can be too.’
John hesitated. He’d been wanting to die for so long now it was almost second nature. ‘I don’t know.’
‘I understand.’
Bob appeared, still in his pajamas. He didn’t look sympathetic- no, he looked understanding, and that made all the damn difference.
‘I struggled with my mental health too,’ Bob said, brushing over the incident with Sentry and the Void, ‘but isolating yourself isn’t helping. It’s making things worse, like depression.’
John had no idea how Bob had known he’d had issues with his depression. It had been why Olivia had left him, and John was pretty quiet about that. But God, it was nice to be noticed. To be recognized.
‘You have to trust that we’ll be here for you,’ Bob said softly, ‘like I trusted you guys to be there for me. I don’t remember what happened, but you guys came through and saved the day. So trust us, John. We’ll fight like hell not to let you down.’
John wasn’t fixed. No, he was a long way from it. In fact, he’d probably receive mandatory therapy after this incident. But he felt lighter, and the future for once seemed like it could actually turn out well.