Chapter Text
John woke up screaming. This wasn’t unusual. In fact, it was probably part of why Olivia divorced him- it wasn’t exactly good for a sleeping infant, and it was hard to deal with at random hours of every night. No, what was unusual was that there were other people around. In the former Avengers Tower, all of the rooms were soundproofed, so the others hadn’t heard him.
But tonight he wasn’t in his room. He had let the others drag him into movie night to watch Princess Bride (a classic), because Alexei and Ava hadn’t seen it. And of course, John, being sleep-deprived (because lately he had forced himself to stay awake to avoid the nightmares), had fallen asleep about five minutes into the film. And as per usual, he had not had pleasant dreams. Or, heaven forbid, no dreams at all.
No, of course not, because the universe was punishing him over and over again for his hubris. For the audacity of ever thinking he could follow in Steve Rogers’ path, for thinking that he could ever be half the man that Rogers had been. His chest was hollow, his heart weighing like a stone. The depression and guilt weighed down on him like it had for the last three years, no matter what Olivia had tried and no matter what John had done for Valentina.
‘John?’ A voice asked, cutting through John’s thoughts.
John realized that the movie was still ongoing. He had interrupted it (wasn’t that the sentence to sum up his life: John had interrupted something). The others were still awake, but all of them had frozen. All of their eyes were on him. John blushed furiously.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Bucky looked wary. ‘John…’
John got to his feet, stammering apologies, and turned before hurrying out of the common room. He found his bedroom and threw himself inside, closing the door behind him yet too distraught to lock it. Great, now they all knew how fucked up he was. How much of a mess he was behind the shield, behind the hollow mask he showed the world. And, God, they were going to be pissed.
It was a known fact that unless you were useful no one wanted you. The military had taught him that. Then the government. Then Valentina. And most recently, Olivia. And John…well, he was the third supersoldier on a team of assassins and a god and two other supersoldiers. He was spare parts, he knew it, and unless those spare parts were functional (which he wasn’t) they were thrown out with the trash.
They were going to kick him off the team. The one good thing he had done with his life, and he was going to lose it. The tears burned at the corners of his eyes.
I am become death, the destroyer of worlds, he remembered Robert Oppenheimer saying in an interview. The man’s eyes had been hollow, empty, dead inside. John had never understood how a man could be so alive and yet so dead at the same time, but now he did. It was guilt. It haunted you, never gave you a night of peace; it hounded you like hellhounds going after those who made crossroad deals with demons.
Someone knocked.
‘Go away,’ John yelled, slumping onto the cold floor of his bedroom.
‘It is I, comrade,’ Alexei called softly. ‘I am here to protect you from bad evening.’
John would’ve laughed if he hadn’t felt so much like shit. ‘Alexei, the bad evening has already happened.’
‘I am to protect you from worse night,’ Alexei said from outside. ‘I understand very much, comrade, your pain. I too suffer from demons in the night. I cannot sleep without sleeping aid, or I punch hole in wall after waking up. But I have learned it is very hard to do this alone.’
‘I don’t deserve to do this with anyone but myself,’ John told him.
‘Deserve, deserve. We all have done bad things, malysh. But we are getting better. We are growing, like the sparse tree on the tundra. You cannot grow, cannot achieve redemption, if you let your tree be knocked around and destroyed,’ Alexei explained.
‘I am a monster,’ John whispered. ‘I volunteered for this. The rest of you…you had no choice. You are victims, I am the victimizer.’
‘Do you not know how I became Red Guardian?’ Alexei asked. ‘I was young, a street rat. I had no family, no prospects. So I volunteered for a medical program to help my country. They told me the risks but I did it anyway. I chose the torture, my own cage. So I understand, malysh. I chose this path too, but there is no use crying over spilled milk. All we can do is do our best with the choices we have made and those we have to make.’
For once, Alexei made perfect sense.
‘Okay,’ John whispered, and he stood up to open the door. ‘You’re very good at this,’ he told the other supersoldier face to face.
‘Malysh, I am older than I look,’ Alexei said softly. ‘I have had many years to learn this. May I touch you?’
John nodded, craving that comfort badly, and Alexei pulled him into a hug.
‘John.’
John glanced over Alexei’s shoulder and saw the others.
‘You’re safe,’ Bucky promised. ‘We all understand.’
‘And we have your back,’ Bob added.
Yelena nodded. ‘We’re here. We’re a team. We are a family now.’
‘Besides,’ Ava added, ‘we all know what is like to be broken. We can be broken together.’
John relaxed, a sigh escaping his lungs and sore throat. The nightmares weren’t gone forever, but he knew things would get better. Especially now that he didn’t have to worry about hiding, or being kicked off the team. He had a home at last.
‘Wait, what did Alexei mean when he said he was older than he looks?’ Bucky asked suspiciously.
Alexei shrugged. ‘Look in medical records. When USSR fell, many records released.’
‘Papa, chto za chert?’ Yelena demanded. ‘We’re going to look at this later. But for now…come on, Walker. We have a movie to finish.’
‘And you can’t escape,’ Bob said softly.
John laughed. ‘As if I want to.’
And he followed them back to the common room, feeling happier than he had in years. The void of depression and guilt that had weighed down on him for three years now felt lighter, easier to carry, because he now had people he could trust to help carry that burden. He wasn’t alone anymore. He had a family. And maybe, maybe, he could learn to forgive himself and grow.
*
Later
Bucky stared at the file on the table. So did Yelena. Ava looked flabbergasted. John felt somewhere close to shock himself.
Alexei smirked. ‘See. I do not lie!’
‘How in the hell?’ Yelena asked.
Alexei shrugged. ‘The serum, I suppose.’
‘Yeah, but you didn’t get our serum,’ Bucky pointed out.
‘I had unique blood type,’ Alexei said. ‘Because of it, I was only one to survive trials. It might have made serum more potent.’
John frowned. ‘I had no idea blood type affected the effects of the serum.’
Bucky shook his head. ‘Me either.’
‘Hold on,’ Ava interrupted, ‘are we just going to brush over the fact Alexei’s as old as Bucky?’
‘I am only a few years younger,’ Alexei frowned. ‘My birth was in 1921. Barnes was born in 1917.’
‘I don’t want to know how you know that,’ Bucky said, looking disturbed.
Alexei grinned. ‘You shall never know, comrade.’
Yelena shook her head. ‘Wow. You are even more of an old man than I thought, papa.’
Bob nearly choked on his cereals.
‘I look very good for my age, thank you,’ Alexei retorted.
John looked around the table and found that there was nowhere else he’d rather be.
‘I’ll help you with your exercises, grandpa,’ John teased.
‘Not you too!’ Alexei threw his hands up. ‘I thought you were on my side!
‘It’s a free for all, papa,’ Yelena grinned. ‘There are no sides.’
‘I hate you all,’ Alexei mumbled into his cereal. ‘I hate you all.’
‘Even me?’ Bob asked, looking sad.
‘Except you, Bob. You are precious, like puppy.’
‘That’s…kind of disturbing.’