Chapter Text
At the top of Wall Rose, nearest the Trost district, where the sunset lasts the longest, you’ve heard. Your eyes are seemingly fixated on the many birds that make their way over the wall. Sometime before the fall of Wall Maria, you had heard that someone had placed over a dozen benches for the Garrison Regiment, but now there rests only one, and it was all for you.
No one said Survey Corps members weren’t allowed to rest here, right?
Though that kind of thing isn’t something to think too hard about, because right here, right now, you felt at peace. You’d catalogued over a dozen species in just the last hour alone. Sunset had birds readying up to fly back to their nests, and the chill of the incoming night breeze meant this spot was a perfect place for the movement of the wind and you had made note of those facts and many others.
“The birds are so beautiful!” you say aloud to the open air, exclaiming with a joyful tone and a warm shimmer in your heart. This moment could not be ruined, and you believed that truly.
Suddenly, and almost like he was a bird himself, you spotted Reiner Braun, a fellow survey corps member, as he flew past you, the wind from his leap knocking into your chest a bit heavier than you expected. He was just like one of the birds in the sky. It was a little embarrassing, and by a little it was absolutely mortifying for Reiner to see you shouting at the top of your lungs, and you couldn’t hold back your face from turning red.
He takes notice of you, and you could see the look of fear flashing across his face. You knew he didn’t expect to see you in front of him, but why did he have to look so scared of you? As if he was just another bird on their journey home and you were something built to stand in his way.
“You stood in my light—” Stop it, Y/N! This isn’t the time to get emotional, even if you are two seconds away from bawling like a cadet on their first day of training. You are a survey corps member and obviously Reiner was just startled, it doesn’t need to get so personal.
He landed rather poorly, almost missing the edge of the wall, and it didn’t make you feel any better, knowing it was probably your fault for messing up his landing.
“Y/N,” he calls your name with a tone softer than you expected him to, almost whispering with how hushed he sounded, “What’re you doing up here alone?”
You found your voice not daring to rise higher than his, “Oh hi, Reiner. I was just bird watching!” you say it with a quiet whisper, smiling to hopefully move this conversation to something that could stop the heat from creeping up your neck. Much too warm in this ensuing nightfall.
Reiner doesn’t seem to push off his expression, stepping towards you with a worried look in his eyes. You did have to squint to move past his blurred silhouette.
Actually, now that you’re trying to focus, everything around you is looking a bit too blurry, feeling a bit too fuzzy and whatever Reiner said next came out like a pile of wet sand in a glass of water.
“Mushy…” your voice trails off just as soon as your imagination swirls into mushy memories of a beach filled with white sands and beautiful coastal tides, waves crashing into the ground, spreading white foam toward your toes, as the ocean pools water further up to your ankles and then to your knees. It’s not stopping. It’s filling up to your neck, past your lips, and now you’re underwater and everything is twisting and turning with the tide.
You blink, once, a couple times, and bring a hand up to your head to steady the headache forming behind your eyes. You look over to where Reiner was standing, and you see he’s now closer than ever, he’s crouched to your side, “Y/N, are you alright?” he asks, his voice downright trembling. You don’t really get why he’d be worried. You were barely submerged in the multiple layers of the ocean and it’s not like you couldn’t breathe. And even if you also were just standing on the wall birdwatching, he really shouldn’t be so concerned. You try to nod, though the world spins as you do, and you manage to lift your head from the bench you were laying down at, only to see Reiner talking frantically to someone on the other side of you.
Whatever Reiner was saying wasn’t difficult to understand, but you really didn’t have the energy to process it, so you turned your head to stop looking, only to find you’ve locked eyes with Bertolt.
When did he get here? Yet another member of the survey corps, and Reiner’s best friend. Of course Bertolt would be following behind, and right now he looks just as worried as Reiner does, possibly even more so. You don’t even realize it but he’s talking to you now. He’s asking a question, his hand on yours, and you can’t help it when your face flushes red. You pray he didn’t notice, shutting your eyes quick enough not to notice his reaction, and in doing so, you realize the pile of wet sand has returned, but now there’s no glass jar holding it tight.
You try to open your eyes, but it was like they opened for you, as all of the feelings around your heart begin to slip away. The water is back, and it’s cold, freezing. There are glaciers that have descended deep into the water yet you are floating just below the surface, unable to break through to fresh air. This time the lack of air makes it hard to breathe, and so you hold your breath, and let your soul drift.
Something swims around you in this ocean. It wasn’t a fish, but a bird. Some kind of bird that can dive into the cold icy water in search of food. It swims around you, and for a moment you weigh the thought of reaching out to touch the bird, and you just can’t seem to will your hands to move. Maybe it’s too cold. Maybe it’s not in your nature. How would you feel if a titan grabbed you while you were minding your own business.
You don’t move.
You don’t breathe.
In the water you do hear things, voices. Exhales. A warmth emanating from your chest. You wiggle your fingers, your hands. You reach out to the bird but it isn’t there anymore. And neither is the water.
You’re staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling, the blurriness creeping around the edges of your vision.
You manage this time to sit up from where you were lying down, “where am I?” you manage to ask, pulling your hand up to rub the feeling of uncertainty that stained your face, and when you do, you feel your palm slip out from under Bertolt’s grasp.
Why is he here?! You didn’t expect him to be resting beside you. You turn to look around the room for clues as to what must have happened, only to see Reiner holding your other hand in his own. Both of your comrades were sleeping right beside you, waiting for you to wake up- why were they here? Whose house is this??
Part of you wanted to figure it out, but another part of you wanted to relish over just how much they seemed to care for you. You really were okay when you had friends like them to watch over you. But where was anyone else?
Waking the two of them up, you noticed how they both seemed relieved at your recovery, with Reiner offering to cook you up a meal and Bertolt offering to carry you to the dinner table.
You tried to walk but your legs were a bit wobbly and hard to lift, so you opted for the carry, as Bertolt scooped you up into his arms.
“You’re so strong!” you told him, and he just nodded, turning away to hide the blush in his grin. He slid you into a wooden chair, one seeming to lack any sort of cushioning, but you’ll manage.
There was a large feast of fried turkey, roasted quail, foie gras, and chicken pot pie. It was so much food, almost making you sick to your stomach from the thought of eating it all.
You wanted to share it with everyone…
It was enough to share with everyone.
Reaching out to grab a turkey leg, you noticed your arms wouldn’t move.
“Y/N,” Reiner was furrowing his brow, waiting for you to taste all of the hard work he had put into his cooking. His smile was nearing the corners of his cheeks, his teeth bared for all to see.
You tried again, and your arms just wouldn’t move. No one was going to eat until you took the first bite. Forcing everyone to wait so patiently, they’d get tired of you soon enough.
“Stop being so oblivious and take a bite, can’t you see we’re waiting for you?” It was Bertolt who spoke up. His smile huge, but his eyes were screaming anger.
You were trying, you were seriously trying. Using all of your willpower to move your arms, but you couldn’t.
You… you shouldn’t…
Birds. All of the food before you was birds. Blessed beautiful birds, all of whom had been quietly existing in their own little worlds and now the life they had cultivated was ripped from them as they sat on the table, slowly wasting away, rotting into the wood, the tablecloths, the curtains, the sink. it filled the room with the stench of sick.
Where Reiner and Bertolt were sitting was now just their clothes, drenched in blood and dirt, as it dripped down into the floorboards, staining the entire room, drying into dust before your very eyes.
Quickly, you move to open a window, but the blood has sealed everything shut. The smell is getting to you, filling into your lungs. Every knob you try can’t be turned, all except the facet to the sink, though the water that was spilling out seemed to be just as rotten and disgusting and it was hot, almost boiling to the touch.
You squeezed your eyes shut, wanting it all to go away, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feeling of heat on your skin. You wanted to go back to the rooftop, where everything was peaceful.
“You can’t go back, Y/N”
That voice…
“You can’t go back to the way things were before.”
It couldn’t be.
You turn to it, but each and every way you try to find it, the voice changes it’s direction.
“This is all there is, Y/N” you feel the heat crawling up your neck, and you can feel just how much your head is throbbing.
“Stop it! I’m not going to let you win!” You shouted it aloud to the air, just before the hot water filled into your lungs. This time it was choking you, pushing air out as the water tried to go in, and in the hot darkness of the house, everything grew silent.
“No one wins in a war, Y/N” was all that you heard, as you felt your hands slip from your neck.
No more ocean.
No more heat.
Now it was Nothing.
Nothing.
And then it all came back to you.
You had been bird watching. You had asked Reiner hours before if he’d be willing to come with you, but he declined, saying he wanted an early rest. You were meant to be bird watching on the grounds inside wall rose, but you wanted a place that would offer more chances to see better birds. You’d heard of such a place, an old wooden bench, not used for much these days, but you knew no one would mind if you snuck out in an old possibly overused version of ODM gear, grappling yourself to the top of the wall, where you could finally rest and relax.
But you had been oblivious once again, to the shadow you cast down toward the grounds of wall rose, creating a blind spot for the garrison as they assumed you were one of their own, watching the titans of Trost with them.
Reiner didn’t notice you as he zipped up the wall, and because of that, he crashed right into you, sending you flying over the other side of the wall.
He was too slow to catch you.
And down down down you went.
Right into the mouth of a titan.
Nothing…
Nothing…
“You should be dead right now..” you heard the voice say.
Even in the nothing, you had enemies…
But somehow the nothing wasn’t nothing.
It was fading to something. Bright lights, warm hands. A small humming tune.
You tried to follow the tune, cracking an eye open, as hard as it was to do so.
“Reiner..?” he had his hand on your knee, holding it tighly in place, as he wrapped it around a splint. You wanted to reach out but with all the reaching you had tried to do earlier, maybe it didn’t seem like a good idea, and so you lowered your hand.
Something grabbed hold of it anyway, “Y/N! You’re Awake!” The voice was so much clearer than you’d previously heard, and part of you begged yourself to let it stay that way.
It was Bertolt. He was here with you and Reiner after all, and he held your hand tightly, as if he was afraid you’d disappear from his grasp.
He wasn’t smiling, he was crying. Actively bawling, and it was enough to make you want to cry too, but there was a level of exhaustion that had you hesitant to dehydrate yourself any further.
You tried to give a weak thumbs up, but he had your hand gripped so hard you could hardly move your fingers.
Reiner saw the discomfort cross your face and smacked Bertolt upside his head, “Ease up on Y/N, Bertolt!” and you saw how quickly he loosened his grip on you, though still holding on, and it was then that he noticed the thumbs up.
“That’s really great!” he says, wiping the tears from his eyes, bringing up your palm to his lips. You barely have the energy to be flustered, so you accept the kiss as it is, looking over to see Reiner as he exhales a sigh of relief over his work on your leg.
“Look’s like you’ll be alright after all,” he says to you, but you can tell he’s holding back how badly he wants to act just like Bertolt.
You sit up, Bertolt letting you lean on him, and you notice that the three of you were at the bottom of wall Rose, on the wrong side of the wall.
A panic swells within you, but Reiner and Bertolt don’t seem to be alarmed, “Everything’s fine, Y/N. No Titans are going to be coming for us anytime soon.”
You didn’t really get it, but from the looks of things, there had already been a fight- a big one. You must have been unconscious throughout the whole thing, because titan decay was everywhere, even staining your clothes.
“Wow, you guys are so strong,” you mentioned, but Bertolt shook his head, “You’re the strong one here, Y/N. You kept fighting the whole time, even when Reiner thought you were titan food,” and the memory of the titan’s mouth closing around you flickered across your memory.
You lowered your head, trying to stop the tears from forming. You didn’t want to cry right now, not when you needed to be strong enough to make it back over the wall.
You felt something touch your chin, lifting your head up to look at them- Reiner. He held no expression on his face, and even when he saw how hard you tried to hold back your tears, he didn’t falter.
“Y/N, I’m glad you’re safe.”
Those words, they swelled in your chest, as you accepted just how happy they made you. Reiner was right, and so was Bertolt. You were alive. You were safe. You were strong. You had to be. You had to be for friends like them. To make sure they knew they had someone to count on in this world. To make sure they had someone to trust.
“Me too!” You say back, smiling through your tears.
You would make it out of this.
“Alright, let’s start walking. We’re out of ODM gear, looks like we’ll have to go through around Trost to make it home,” Reiner hauled a bag over his shoulder and stood up to move.
…
Hang on…
What did he say..?
“HUH??”