Work Text:
5:30PM, Vatican Cafeteria
Casa Santa Marta´s cafeteria was empty since mostly members of Curia were resting or hanging out with family. Mostly, I mean — since a particular group were gathered on the central table, and something was wrong, definitely wrong. The air was somewhat filled with tension, as if the Conclave election was happened once more.
Anyone walking around could hear a fly buzzing, yet six fairly old, oddly attractive gentleman stood quiet sitting on the central table of the room , and all of them showed a rainbow of emotions by solely their gazes. You may be wondering what could have happened to have such thick stress?
Let’s find out together, I promise it will be a pleasant surprise (or not) — but first, let us introduce our suspects.
On the left, Cardinal Aldo Bellini, current Secretary of State of Vatican, stood with his arm on the table , his left hand laying on his head as his finger tapped impatiently his cheek, annoyance surrounding his expression. Cardinal Joseph Tremblay was looking a video on his phone next to him, scrolling down through Capybaras TikToks with an unbothered expression. By his right side, Monsignor Raymond O’Malley looked like he was about to explode it out into an anxiety-rainbow confetti, staring at a specific empty point on the table like it was a relic of Ancient Roma.
Cardinal Joshua Adeyemi was facing his French colleague with a more confused expression than anything. His hands were tapping the table softly in an attempt to distract himself. By his side, Dean Lawrence had a neutral — rather sad, expression on his face. Was that an attempt to hide his annoyed expression? His tiredness of being in another uncalled meeting? Nobody knew. He was a bloody good actor doing so, though.
Finally, the literal Pope of the Catholic Church stood on his left side . Now — there is a man who could show expression on his eyes. Pope Innocentius was looking down at his intertwined fingers on his lap, an uncertain expression practically screaming that he wished to leave this place at once. Vincent wished nothing more but to bury himself in his white robes- or in Lawrence's.
Specially when Cardinal Goffredo Tedesco was staring at them through his giant googly eyes . Standing with both hands on top of the table, he had his “Pride Edition” ( FYI: He thought he would be in style with it, but it just indirectly proved his extreme homosexuality ass ) vape on his mouth, and was he with a serious expression. Tedesco took the device , puffing the smoke with a soft sigh. He looked down at the people sitting in front of him, a grumbled expression on his face as he tapped his fingers anxiously on the table´s wood.
“ I miei cari - Your Holliness, Eminences, “ he started, dragging everyone’s gaze. “I had summoned this meeting on an urgency matter-“
“You can’t possibly be not kidding about this urgency-“ Aldo rolled his eyes under the big nerdy glasses, looking at the Italian.
“Will you let me finish- Cardinale Americano?!” Tedesco hissed at the other, cleaning his throat. “We are gathered here because it has come to upfront concern that a murder has occurred-“
“Goffredo- I don’t think this is-“ Lawrence ( tried ) to ease his friend, but the Italian immediately slammed his hands on the table, shushing him off.
“ È stato commesso un OMICIDIO contro un caro tesoro per tutti noi !” Oh shit, his voice was raised. Did a murder really happen? Probably not — but let the Diva talk.
Finally, cutting the suspense, Cardinal Tedesco pointed at the crime scene ;
An apple red Nespresso Coffee Machine, dated 2023. It appeared to be in a perfect normal state-aside from have cracks and a few scratches. A cup was under it, the last few drops of coffee dropping lazily dropping at it
“No one will leave this room until we figure it out who broke la macchina del caffè”
Aldo groaned loudly, slamming his hand on his face “ This is utterly stupid, it’s Sunday evening — during one of the few visits we got annually to see our Holy Father and , instead of resting for another stressful week or just pretend to be normal for use, we are dealing with such idiotic matter-“
“Tell this to yourself when it comes tomorrow and you have no coffee . Just try it — you will be insufferable.” Tremblay grumped, strolling through his phone without looking at the others. Aldo felt his cheeks burning down, a grumble escaping his lips.
“I do perfectly FINE without coffee, for your knowledge, Cardinal Tremblay.”
“ Sure, keep lying to yourself” Trembley replied with a monotonous voice, making Aldo let out another frustrated groan.
Another moment of silence.
“…I broke it.” Pope Innocent’s v oice did interrupt the silence , bringing everyone’s gaze to him. His face was down to his lap — showing uncertainty. “It was a silly mistake- I went to make a cup of tea, however, I accidentally trip and spilled it on the machine. I am sincerely so-“
“Your Holiness, you don’t need to lie-“ Lawrence interrupted him, making Vincent look at him with his big, desperate eyes. “We know you haven’t done it. You haven’t left your office since today’s mass has ended.”
“But it's true!” He exclaimed, confused. Lawrence gave him a “I
know what you ar
e” look with a brown raised, making Vincent gulped. “Don't look at me like that-”
“Judging your heart and knowing you, you are too good to stay silent-”
“Are you questioning my words, Tomás ?” The Pope gave him le wife stare, making Thomas hum involutary.
“I could never, your Holliness, I am simply stating your kindness and purity of mind in your defense-” Thomas looked at him, making Innocentius cheeks glow a bit.
The Mexican cleans his throat, trying to sound more reasonable. “ As I said- It was right before lunch, I had a wish for early-gray tea because of the weather — my throat gets fairly dry during the Summer, so I went to prepare one for myself because I didn’t wish to trouble anyone — however-“
“ Papa Innocentius , as much as I hate to break your story, and your drama career “ Tedesco interrupted him, making rosy cheeks get a spot more clear “ - you are a terrible liar.” Tedesco signed, making Vincent look down to his lap , ashamed. Lawrence’s hand reached to held his under the table, giving Vincent a reassuring squeeze . The Holy Father smiled at his Dean, his smile being as bright as the sun ( at least to Lawrence )
“ Urgh- these two don’t even hide anymore that they are each other's problem ” The Patriarch of Venice thought as he rolled his eyes as he looked at his own homosexual problem on the other side of the table.
“ Aldino ?” Tedesco said, puffing some smoke out of his vape as he looked at the other Cardinal, hoping for something.
The American rolls his eyes “Don’t look at me, I arrived here after the mass , plus I didn’t drink anything from the Cafeteria. Ask O’Malley, he is the coffee sommelier” He said, pointing at the quiet figure on the left side of the table.
Raymond, who became white as a ghost, raised his hand , confused “What? I didn’t break it?”
“Then why did you come over me minutes before The Vatican Chimney here-“ Aldo exclaimed, standing up and gesturing to Tedesco, who gasped in pure anger a ‘MAH’ “ Screamed like a teenager girl that was broken?”
“Well - Cardinal Bellini. ” The Monsignor adjusted his glasses, standing up as well and pointing at the object. “Because the machine is sitting right in front of us and - in fact, it is broken.” He said, as if he was lecturing.
“You know very well what I mean-“ Aldo said, raising an eyebrow. Tedesco just observed them, puffing another smoke. “It is suspicious, since you are the one who are constantly earning the Vatican bill tons of euros spent on espresso capsules -“
“No, it is n-not”
“If it matters - probably not” Tremblay stood up, shutting the two of them. His eyes were still on a TikTok , unbothered “Cardinal Adeyemi was the last person I saw using it-“
“What, Joseph, I don’t even drink coffee from a machine!“ The Nigerian man stood to his feet, confused. “Everybody knows I solely drink imported filtered coffee”
“Then why were you by the coffee machine multiple times during this morning-“ Raymond gave him a smirk, putting the hands behind his back.
“I used it for Cappuccino , it is better from the machine because it makes the foam more creamy-“
“Cappuccino is coffee, Thomas,” Aldo shrugged, mumbling.
Another MAH , a more devastated one, echoed.
“Excuse you - Aldino mi amore ( sarcastically , Goffredo was dumb , but not that dumb ) - Cappuccino is Cappuccino, Caffè is Caffè -” Tedesco gasped, almost as insulted, as he gestured to both side with his hands.
“Literally, both are caffeine drinks-“
“Say that again and insult all of a WHOLE NATION” Now, Goffredo was really pissed at the moment. “ Do you think the APPLEBEES and the MC´DONALDS ARE THE SAME THING? .” He gestured with the classical Italian hand, signing rapidly at Aldo.
“This is a completely different situation!” Aldo exclaimed.
“ ALLORA NON ROMPERE IL CAZZO CON L'ORGOGLIO E LA GIOIA DELL'ITALIA! -“
“WHY ARE YOU YELLING” Aldo returned, also screaming.
“BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU ARE BALD AND DEAF”
“SAY THE VAPING OLD MAN - GOD HEAVENS, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.”
“THE VAPING OLD MAN WHO YOU LIKES TOO BICKER WITH, EH?!” Teddesco screamed, laughing, making Aldo’s cheeks blush furiously. Most of the other man in the room were either too much scared to say anything ( Raymond ) , tired ( Lawrence & Adeyemi ) or just unbothered like a little kid in Minecraft ( Tremblay ).
“WHY YOU’RE LITTLE-“
A creek of the chair made the old couple shush. Innocentius stood up, sighing. Oh- he got the Mother stare on.
“ My Eminences- Friends , please. Let us not fight.” He looked at them , a gaze of neutrality yet coldness.His voice was somewhat calm. “ I already confessed that I broke the machine- I can pay for another one.” He took another breath. “It is fine-“
“NO-“ Teddesco, in a moment of rage, interrupted him. He was determined to locked everyone on that awful situation until the truth has been revealed.
“WHO. BROKE . IT.”
The silence that could suffocate anyone invaded the room once more. Everyone looked down, awkwardness filling their minds. “Your Emminense-“ Tremblay mumbled, dragging the Cardinal's attention. “ You know. . Cardinal Lawrence has been awfully quiet.”
“REALLY?” Thomas's voice raised to an octave above as the both of them started bickering , making the whole chaos irrupts once more. Between screams of Joshua and Raymond about the Vatican´s budget for coffee, Aldo´s and Goffredo´s marital issues and Tremblay´s online cassino problem, The Pope stood up abruptly, taking a few steps back , comically bumping into the object of disaster , which was smashed to the floor into peaces.
Now everyone shut up immediately again. Innocentius brought his hand to cover his mouth , ashamed. But then , after a deep breath , a deep , almost adorable smile appeared on his lips. “Hecho - Now , I did, in fact, broke the machine. I shall provide a new one for tomorrow morning, so everyone can have a good cup of coffee to start the day.” He said, nodding. “ So - how about no more fighting like little children, Si , mi Cardeales ?”
No one had the courage to talk back at him. Innocentius´s grin deepen softly, leaving the room , almost proud of himself .
The group remained in silence, awkwardly filling their minds. Sister Agnes finally appeared , drinking a fresh cup of Starbucks´s Mocha. “Your Eminences” she smiled at them, gasping softly as she spotted the machine smashed to bits. “Oh dear - who did stumble it to the floor?” Sister Agnes said, looking at them.
“ The Pope-” Okay, Aldo baby, you just sound like a chipmunk, “Pope Innocent accidentally bumped to it”.
“Oh- but that is no worries. I accidentally did broke it earlier today. It burned my hand so I punched it and it stopped working it .” Sister Agnes said . “I already asked Sister Mary to bring one new for tomorrow. I appolagize for the inconvenience”.
BAMBAMBAM
PLOT TWIST
“.. I will get the broom to clean it” She said , unfazed. Agnes left for the kitchen and left five completely facepalmed men in pure silence.
". . . Fucked it , I always prefered Illy anyway." Goffredo said, puffing smoke away.