Chapter Text
It's late evening, the sun just starting to set, and all of you are settled around a fireplace. Your party left Dormont just a few days ago, quicker than planned, and you know it's partially because of you. They all noticed how you froze up, or started saying things that didn't make sense, or began breathing so hard it hurt, seeing some of the things around Dormont. Everyone made excuses about being in a rush to get to Bambouche, to reunite Bonnie with their sister, and it's a little true, but you know it's not the whole truth.
It makes you feel bad, having them adjust to you like this. After everything you did to them—trapping them in a loop for months on end, saying hurtful and awful things to them, transforming into a monster to keep them from leaving you—you don't really think you deserve more. But you know if you say that aloud it'll just end in them reassuring you, so you don't. It's just easier.
"Siffrin?" Mira is looking at you, eyebrows knitted in worry. Stars, look what you just did! You were thinking about not being a burden, and you ended up making them more worried! You're awful at this!
But you don't want them to worry more, so you smile instead. "Mira?"
"Bonnie was asking if you were excited for the stew..." You follow her gaze over to Bonnie, who's staring directly at you, frowning.
Ah...! You missed your cue! You scramble to speak up before Bonnie gets hurt. "I am! Excited! For the stew!" A thought comes to you, and your smile gets a little more real as you continue. "I was just stewing over some ideas!"
Not your best work, but it's enough to get Bonnie's face to cycle through several emotions before they settle on disgust. From somewhere to your blind side, you hear Isabeau breaking into laughter, and it just spurs you on.
"If Bonnie's making it, it'll have to be soup-erb! It makes miso happy, I'd better stock up while I can!" Isabeau's laughter is sounding more like wheezing now, so you decide to stop while you're ahead, looking at Bonnie hopefully.
"No! Stop! Bad! Stupid!" They cry out, but you can see their grip relaxing on their ladle.
Well, maybe one more, if they set you up so perfectly. You sigh, exaggeratedly, and you see Bonnie's eyes widen, but not in time to stop you. "I guess I really am...stew-pid..."
They stare at you. You stare back. Isabeau continues to wheeze.
"I was going to be nice to you, but forget it! I'm going to make potato stew for every crabbing meal from now on!!!!"
...Worth it, you think.
"Glad you're feeling up to making puns again, Siffrin, but please make certain not to kill Isabeau. Imagine having to tell every reporter in Vaugarde that we made it past the king just to have one of us die like this." Odile's voice chimes in, dry and faintly amused.
You know she's joking, but you flinch, visibly, anyways. You breath in and out, trying to calm yourself, and you feel more than see the gazes of your friends shifting towards you, the light-hearted mood ruined. By you, again. You can't help but ruin everything, huh...
"...My mistake. I should've been more careful in my phrasing." Odile sounds concerned, but you don't look up at her to confirm it. She didn't do anything wrong, anyway. It's you being oversensitive to the mention of the King, and death, memories too fresh still, too obviously broken to fit cleanly in with the rest of them.
"Right. Siffrin, you must've seen some awful things in there...I'm not sure I could make it, being alone in the loops that long..." Mira sounds like she's speaking aloud more than to anyone in particular, but the words still make you shrink into yourself more, at the...memories?
...No, it's more than that. It's just wrong. Instinctively, you frown.
"O-oh no! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to remind you about it!" Mira seems to misinterpret your expression.
You shake your head in response, trying not to flinch again at the sudden, throbbing pain that rises with the movement. It'd give off the wrong impression if you did, with how much they've already worrying about you.
"It's fine," You smile, but their expressions look unconvinced. It makes something pick up in the back of your throat, an instinctive desire for escape, even though you know that they don't mean anything bad. Probably. Maybe.
Odile sighs. "Siffrin, you need to stop saying you're fine when you aren't." It's a gentle chastisement, but it still makes you shrink into yourself, trying to hide your face in a hat that you forget for a second you no longer have.
"Bonbon, is that pot supposed to spark like that?" Isa cuts in, and you follow his gaze to where the pot has apparently begun bubbling over while you were all staring at each other.
"Oh, crab!" Bonnie swears, nearly dropping their ladle in their haste to stir it.
You exhale, straightening up a little now that everyone's attention is back off of you. Isa catches your eye and winks at you, and your cheeks redden a bit at the realization he'd noticed that you were feeling overwhelmed, and had done something about it. Isa is so considerate to you, really. More than you deserve, and the thought makes the ugliness in your chest rise up again.
You breathe, in and out, trying to settle it, until you feel a bit more stable. Your headache seems to have died down too, sudden as it was. It's not like you're not used to it, but maybe that's something you should bring up. Something small, a start, even if you really don't want to...
Well. You promised to try to talk to them, from now on. Even if it's something you're bad at, even if you're scared of driving them away, you know where it leads to keep it all in. It feels hard, impossible, even just to share something as small as this, but...you have to keep your promise...
...?
You grip onto the silver coin in your pocket, feeling its familiar grooves.
Promise...to who...?