Chapter Text
One day, no day special in the grand scheme of things, but one day Souji wakes up early and Yosuke is there. It takes a moment for him to gather his thoughts and remember that Yosuke slept over because of a sudden downpour. And he’s still sleeping. Hair that’s usually so carefully maintained falls over his eyes and the way his cheek rests on his arm kind of smooshes his mouth to the side. His snores are practically reverberating around the small room.
Souji reaches over and covers his mouth, plugs his nose. It takes a second but his brain eventually registers the fact he can’t breathe and he jerks awake with a loud snort. Then he’s trying to feign irritation but it’s ruined by the way he’s laughing, beating Souji with a pillow too lightly to hurt.
It’s one of their first good memories together. It’s small, but that’s how these things start.
Another day, a little more significant in that it’s the day they rescue their second victim, Yosuke’s standing in the middle of a bathhouse as he looks at Souji with a curled upper lip. Asks if he’s uncomfortable too. Souji’s not – not beyond the expected apprehension of looming battle and the fear of not getting to Kanji in time – but he knows why Yosuke is. He’s trained himself to recognize these things as soon as a single sign shows up and klaxons have been going off in his head since they all started acting a little weird about Kanji meeting up with that other boy. Skittish and awkward, trying not to pay too much attention to something that should be nothing. Souji knows because he was the same way when he started figuring some things out about himself, but he also knows that not everyone hateful is closeted. Some people are just bad people.
“Seriously,” Yosuke says, pinching his shirt away from where it sticks to him, “the sooner we get out of here, the better.”
Souji stares at him, thinking, averting his eyes when Yosuke looks back.
At this point, their friendship is still new but they’re in this awkward stage. Things progressed too fast to develop naturally.
Seeing someone’s deepest secrets doesn’t mean you know a thing about them. People are more than that. Souji doesn’t know what his favourite food is or what actress he had a crush on when he was little, all these little things that build up. Those are what mean you know someone (at least that’s the way Souji sees it), and he doesn’t know a fucking thing about this guy. Yosuke knows him even less. It’s not like they have some unbreakable bond. It’s brittle at best, and it might not be enough to weather the storm.
The only proof Souji needs is the school camping trip.
It’s another day, during the first school trip Souji actually has friends to spend one with, and he’s listening to Yosuke ask if it’s safe to share a tent with someone like Kanji. Someone like him. It’s the kind of shit he’s heard all his life: people like him are predators, perverts. And it’s coming from his best friend.
He does what years of experience have taught him to do and keeps his head down. Souji watches the scene unfold and does nothing to stand up for Kanji while some ugly, ugly voice in the back of his head says, “Better him than me.”
Hopefully he’ll apologize one day.
The bottom line is that Yosuke’s disgusted by people like Souji (not disgusted, he claims; it’s fine, to each his own but he’s definitely not like that, and there’s a tone in his voice, an aversion in his eyes that says nothing but disgust).
Souji can’t honestly say he’s any different. A whole life growing up and hearing how unnatural and dirty it is, seeing how it’s listed as some kind of ‘other’ and nothing but a perverted fetish when he was finally brave enough to look videos up online, and maybe he’s a little more messed up than these new friends of his would like to believe of their precious Leader.
But he still likes girls. He really does. So maybe he’s just confused. Maybe it’s a phase that will pass. One day he’ll look back on these silly fantasies (strong hands pinching his nape and pinning him to the mattress; the idle thoughts of what it might be like to hold those hands as they walk down the street together and talk about their days) and he’ll laugh a little awkwardly, surrounded by his wife and children in a beautiful house. Just like what his parents have always wanted for him. Expected of him.
You grow up, marry a woman, and give your parents grandkids. Then your kids do the same for you. That’s just how it works. Think of the shame it would bring his family otherwise.
But that’s for later. Right now it’s another day and he’s hanging out with his best friend at the movies. Halfway through, Yosuke leans toward him to whisper something in his ear – some stupid comment about how he can see the lead actress’ nipples through her shirt – and when Souji looks over at him, the light shines off the popcorn grease on his lip. Souji wants to lick it off. Yosuke’s all talk and Souji wants to see if he can live up to it. The man in those idle fantasies, now he’s got a name and a face.
These things start small but they don’t stay that way for long.
“Dude, she does this other movie where she actually goes topless for a scene,” Yosuke whispers in his ear. The proximity sends a chill up his spine.
Then Yosuke holds his hands in front of his chest to simulate how big her breasts really are.
Souji sighs and turns back to the movie.
The thing about fantasy and reality is that so rarely does reality measure up.
Another day, another day, and he’ll keep his secret for another day.