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“ Tonight was a good night.”
Bob grew to enjoy how he measured nights on scales of 1-10 in a diary. At first when Yelena came back from the market and handed him the empty diary, he felt almost scared of it. The blank page looking back at him menacingly as he contemplated what to write in the journal.
“Just,
-Yelena acted like she was scribbling with a pretend pen and paper on her hand-
Y’know? It really helped me when I started looking for new ways to cope with.. everything.” She shrugged, her makeup smeared from working out earlier.
After Yelena walked away, he shuffled over and sat down in the chair he always sat in in the common room. The sun was setting and almost waving the horizon goodbye as dusk settled across New York. The view was always beautiful to him, it was new every time.
He opened the book to the first page, he clicked the pen in his hand every couple of seconds as he figured what to write.
He knew it wouldn’t be much, his chest bubbled with something he couldn’t quite place. He was a bit embarrassed, but also a little more motivated at the same time. It felt good to write down and he didn’t have to mutter and stumble through words every second.
About two weeks into living in the new tower, he noticed that he rarely had days lower than a 4. Bucky had gotten back in touch with a therapist he knew, but then explained that it wasn’t for him, it was for Bob.
After the first appointment, Bob was noticeably more anxious than when he first got there.
“How did your appointment go?” Bucky turned from cutting up a head of lettuce that he was using for dinner. His hair was pushed back with a headband that Yelena jokingly gifted him, but instead he wore confidently to prove a point.
Bob slid off his shoes near the corner of a counter, and shrugged off his backpack from his shoulder.
He felt his chest grow heavy, exhaustion from the session setting in.
He blinked a couple of times, feeling the awkward tension multiply by the millisecond.
“I- it- well- We talked about… publicity, anxiety… and Valentina a little bit.”
“Good session then.” Bucky’s face turned into something more pitiful while maintaining a smile.
“I remember when I went to Doctor Raynor for the first time.. Sam actually made me go there. I don’t think I actually talked for a couple weeks.” Bucky turned back around, bunching the lettuce on the cutting board and sliding it into a bowl.
Bob wrung his hands in his hoodie pocket,
“I don’t know if I’m doing it right.” He muttered,
“What? Therapy?” Bucky placed the bowl off to the side.
“Y-yeah.” Bob admitted defeatedly.
“There’s no ‘right way’ to do therapy, Bob.” Bucky turned again, and looked him in the eyes. Bob swallowed and averted his gaze, his face becoming warm.
“Sam.” Bob blurted out, trying to change the subject, “you talk about Sam a lot. Is he- are you?- Where is Sam?”
Something flashed across Bucky’s face, but it left as soon as it came,
“Sam.. he doesn’t always see eye to eye with me, but that’s what we do. We bicker.” Bucky swallowed. It looked like he tensed up a little bit, Bob felt like he could punch himself in his poor attempt.. but Bucky ended the conversation before Bob could make it any more awkward.
“I’m sure your session was exhausting. Dinner is ready soon, take a break beforehand because Alexi is probably going to talk everyone’s ear off. Again.” Bucky looked towards Bob again, sympathy all over his face, smiling again.
“Yeah. Yes, right.”
And Bob wandered off.
He never really thought everyone would want to get together and stay together after dinner. He never really had that luxury of family game nights… or dinner with family.
Ava pulled out a big box of monopoly, Bob had heard of it, but never knew how to play it; so he learned.
Tonight was a good night.
He found himself laughing, smiling, and interacting with everyone, he felt. Home.
When the games were put away for the night, he sat down in his chair perched out across the city.
New York came alive at night, he had observed the different types and colors of lights throughout the city and watched planes go by in the clear night.
Bob pulled out his journal and began writing immediately.
‘June 18,
Today was a 9/10 day.’ He wrote, he felt he could have stopped there and let the good memories simmer in his brain for longer, but he wanted to keep going. To remember the good things about today.
‘I went to therapy. It was awkward. I kind of hated it. I felt like I talked too much but not enough. Maybe about the wrong things.
But I know it’s a step in the right direction.
Yelena has been great at doing our own different steps of coping and recovering, together. We have people we can come back to now, so we have a home… finally.
My anxiety is getting worse now that I’m around more people. But I’m able to disregard it when I’m around them. Like dinner and board games tonight. I didn’t win, but I think Ava was cheating the whole time, and no one was keeping count.’
He clicked his pen and hooked it onto the side of the journal, setting it down on the table in front of him. He sighed, a small smile settling on his lips.
He felt... happy. Well- happier than when he first arrived, that’s for sure. He didn’t know what to do with a place so big, no matter where he went, he felt so small.
But it felt bigger with this many people here. At least it wasn’t isolating and too big.
There’s always something going on in this place.
He started to do a relaxing technique that he read online, hoping that it could help steady his nerves and maybe help him sleep.
He started to relax his body, one part at a time. All the way from his toes to his hands. He focused on breathing in and out slowly and controlled.
He shut his eyes, the light from the city still able to be seen behind closed eyelids.
Bob let out a needed exhale, the tension from his shoulders melting away.
He felt himself let go as his thoughts began to simmer,
He drifted off from his body, gaining a floating feeling while he sat there. There was no tether, no anchor, nothing to force him to come back down to earth, he was alone.
It was a comforting alone though. Not the type of alone that left a hole in his stomach, or an ache behind the eyes. But an alone that felt like he was the only person in this moment, and it was all his.
That was until he heard a voice.
“Hello. Bob.”
It was distorted and hollow.
He opened his eyes and yanked himself from his thoughts, turning around to a dark commons room.
The boy’s face twitched, adrenaline began running through his blood as he began to pick up a cold sweat.
He felt like he could only hear his heart pounding in his ears. His breath the only thing audible in the room.
“Are you happy now?” The voice echoed from behind him.
Bob whips his head around, dizzying himself as he does. But he does not find the voice.
“I know who you are now. I can control you.” Bob mutters, his brain told him that he was alone, but his mind told him otherwise. Did he say that statement to convince the voice… or himself?
“You don’t control me anymore. That’s not how it works.” He added on.
“You think you shine so bright? You only cast a longer shadow on them.”
Every hair on the back of his neck stood up. He finally felt the presence of it behind him.
He took a shallow breath in an attempt to calm his nerves. He slowly turned, and met the figure of the Void.
“You can’t stop disasters… you are the disaster—they just clean up after you.” He saw the figure of nothingness cock its head to the side. Emotionless, unmoving eyes locked on Bob.
“I’m- no- -I’m a part of the team. They want me around.” Bob anxiously stood from his chair, he began to stutter, the confidence slowly slipping from his grasp.
“They only keep you around because I’m still a part of you.” It gave a cruel, mocking chuckle. “They know that I hold you back from your true power, and they need me to come back. Not you.”
“No. No- I can.. I can do it myself.” Bob swallowed bile in his throat, he felt a weight sit on his chest.
“If you were really a hero, I wouldn’t exist.. would I?” The Void took one step. Then two.. then it was nose to nose with Bob.
“You keep chasing the light, but you were born in the shadow. With me.”
Bob quickly turned away, rushing towards the window where he could see anything else but the Void.
“My friends will help me, Yelena- Bucky- Ava-“
“All of those people who have done worse things than you?”
The Void let out a laugh from deep in its chest.
Suddenly, Bob felt a hand grab at the nape of his neck, tightening so he could do nothing but freeze and hope it went away.
“You have no one.” It seethed.
“They lie, they cheat. You can’t trust them. They told you that you can’t.” The Void forced Bob to look at the soulless eyes.
He stared back like a deer in headlights, eyes wide and mouth agape. He wanted to say something, anything to deny that demon’s presence, voice, lies…
But were they truly lies?
“Get out of my goddamn head!” Bob tried to push the manifestation away, scrambling for purchase.
“I’m not in your head. I. Am. You.”
“No- no! I’m-“
“Weak. A frail child who can’t even get over his nightmares.” It’s voice boomed back.
“I’m sorry.” the boy crumbles to the floor. His knees hit with a hard thud as tears pricked his eyes and his breaths came even more panicked.
“I’m sorry..” He chokes out. He didn’t know what he was even apologizing for.
“I’m sorry…” he says again. He felt the heaviness crush his chest as his world began to spin, it blackened as he sobbed.
. .. …
“-ake up.”
“-ke up, dammit.”
“Bob!”
The boy’s eyes shot open and he clumsily swung, connecting with something before pain rippled through his fist, and he let out a shout as he scrambled away from where he was.
He blinked his dry eyes open, wiping them with his sleeves when he saw another figure in front of him.
“I know what you want, just leave me alone!” Bob tucked his head to his knees and shielded his head with his hands and forearms, suffocating in a fetile
position.
The figure took heavy, daunting steps towards him, he knew this was where he lost control. It was consuming him and he had no power, no say-
A hand was laid on his back and he fought back again, his ankles and elbows thudding against the floor. And finally, a pair of arms grappled him and held him in place against a wall.
But the touch was not harsh, was not angry or greedy…
“Bob… it’s just a nightmare. We’re right here for you.”
Bob’s breath hitched in his throat, he let out a terrible attempt to speak, his eyes finally blinking clear vision.
“B-b Bucky?” He stuttered.
“Yeah, it’s Bucky… I’m here.” A wave of relief washed over his face.
Bob heaved, his chest rising and falling rapidly, still disoriented and confused. He tried to level out his breathing, but as he did so, his eyes welled up and his throat tightened further as he choked down tears.
Bucky lifted his weight from the boy, groaning as he shifted his weight to sit right next to Bob against the cold glass. Bucky was wearing joggers and a loose shirt that was definitely on inside out.
“Breathe, kid..” he murmured, keeping his eyes on Bob as he finally began to settle down. He watched his surroundings like an observant feline, realizing the commons room was in shambles. A chair flipped and glass broke to his left, there was a mess of something else that Bob couldn’t make out in the darkness.
Tears finally gave way, and rolled down his face. He sat upright, and lightly thumped his head on the back of the glass. The cool feeling rippled throughout his entire body. He held his wrist, suddenly aching from the contact he only assumes was Bucky’s arm.
“I’m sorry-“ he started, choking on his closing throat “it’s becoming me again, I can’t make it stop-“
“You can.” Bucky stopped him, but continued on.
“You wanna know what I saw… in the void a month ago?” Bucky brought his knees closer to himself and rested his arms on them, he cleared his throat, shaking off his hoarse voice from just waking up.
Bob took a deep inhale, tears still falling from his eyes and onto his lounge clothes.
“I saw…. A lot of things.” He chuckled as silence then fell between the two of them.
“You mentioned Sam earlier.. and I don’t remember a lot from my past life, but I remember seeing and learning his face for the first time.” Bucky huffed a smile, “He was driving a car and the next thing I can remember is how I had a steering wheel in my hand. I remember grappling him down from the air on an airship, and remembering it for the next time I had to do it as myself in training. We’ve always been at odds.” The man looked at Bob, who’s eyes were glassy and puffy, but no longer shedding any other tears.
“Now that I got to learn about him through… missions,” Bucky stopped himself and looked away from Bob, praying that he can’t see the flush on his face. “I know he does this head tilt when slightly pissed off, or his stupid smirk when he knows he’s right.”
“We argued, and men being men, we sparred over it. To take our frustrations out while yelling about them. Typical us.” Bucky’s face turned to something more serious,
“I-“ he cleared his throat,
“I hurt him.” He admitted, staring into the floor his gaze wandered off as if he wanted the floor to swallow him. “We pulled our punches obviously.. but that one I didn’t. It was like… I was someone else. It shattered his goggles and gave him a black eye; after that he was done. And we got into another argument after all -Bucky gestured to the dark commons room- this.” Bucky sighed, actively feeling the crushing weight off his chest, as if he hadn’t told anyone this.
“But we’ll find our way back around, we always do.” Bucky nodded, “we always get out. And so will you. That’s what birds of a feather do.”
Bob wiped his face with his sleeves and sighed as well.
“You wouldn’t have gone through it if it weren’t for me though.” He mumbled through the cloth on his sleeves.
“It was a nice reminder.” Bucky responded back.
“Sure, it wasn’t any of our greatest memories, but it reminds everyone that we’re human and have gone through the shit to get here, stronger today. I know four other people who wouldn’t have it any other way.” He nudged his right shoulder against Bob.
“You’re never alone.” The man says. “You’re safe here, and we’re here for you.”
And across the room in their pajamas, the rest of The Avengers hid behind the couch, tuning in and nodding along.