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It’s one of those Sunday nights when Soda calls over the gang for booze and burgers around the smoke pit. The burgers being Darry’s special recipe of course.
The whole time, I’d been nursing many beer cans next to Sodapop while his buddy Steve gave me the evil eye. No matter my approach, I never seemed good enough for him. Whatever. This isn’t about Steve, and the most inner workings of my heart knows it. Staring off into the luminous pit of orange and mahogany flames, something sparks within me. May have been the barley-pop, may have been a ticking time bomb.
It was a secret I’ve been keeping near and dear to my heart for god knows how long. Something that, no matter where you end up on Earth, carries deep shame. And here goes to the first one I’m actually putting words to it:
I have romantic feelings for my own flesh and blood, Sodapop Curtis.
For the longest time, I thought I envied him; his effortless charm. His gentle masculinity. Yes and no. What once became gender envy soon would turn into lust, with the thanks of puberty.
With all this conversation going on around me, I tune it out in favor of deep self reflection. How could I have such disgusting— I mean, truly despicable—feelings for my own damned brother?! Had I lost my mind? What would Darry think? No, what would Soda think? But no matter how much I cursed myself out for it, the feelings wouldn’t ever be laid to rest.
Suddenly, I feel a tap on the back of my shoulder that has me nearly jumping outta my skin. When I look back, I realize it’s just Johnny.
Wearing his signature kind face, he questions, “you okay, Pony? You ain’t lookin’ so hot.”
I know he’s only meaning it in a considerate manner, but I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“I’m fine, I’m just enjoying the fire.”
“Man, how much have you had to drink?” He then gestures to the half-emptied can in my hand.
“Ah, about four. Going on,” I reply before killing off the rest and tossing it underneath my camping chair.
His dark brows raise above his doe eyes.
“Gee, Ponny, didn’t know you drink like that. If I woulda known any better, I’d ‘ave invited you to one of Dally and I’s lil get-togethers.”
Johnny leans over which leads me to believe he’s about to permanently plant himself beside me. As much as I love the kid, I seriously needed to stew in my thoughts. Having someone with an open ear around to hear me yammer my lead me to spilling more than I can afford. Truthfully, before this point I hadn’t ever had more than a single can.
“Nah, wouldn’t want to third wheel,” I chuckle teasingly. In turn he smiles bashfully.
“No worries, we’ve moved past the honeymoon phase. Can’t believe me and Dal have been together for almost three months,” he gushes in a way I could almost hear him blush in his voice.
In my opinion, I feel Johnny and Dallas were long overdue for a courting. The way that kid laid loyal to him like some kind of lap dog wasn’t something you could just look past. I guess not even ‘ol hardened Dallas Winston. At least they’re happy, though. Must be nice to partake in the relationship you want.
After some stale silence between us, Johnny proceeds to excuse himself.
“Well, eh, guess I’ll see ya around, Pony,” he hums awkwardly before heading back to his rightful master. I only grunt in response.
A cold pit forms in my stomach at my own tone. It’s not that I didn’t care. I do. I do wanna spend time with my buddies. But in this state I wasn’t exactly the most present. Instead, I felt as if I were viewing everything through a movie theater projector.
Nothing to get rid of that feeling but to force down some more booze. Throughout my fifth can, my eyes flicker between the fire and my brother who was mere feet from me. He seemed to be in deep conversation with Steve. Sometimes I wondered how they never ran out of what to talk about. I mean, they’re around each other almost twenty-four-seven. If they’re not at work, they’re either at our house or Steve’s.
Without even realizing it, I’m studying Soda’s profile. That sharp jawline. That radiant smile. Those dandelion lashes casted over his sky blue eyes. Why did he have to be my brother? I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful memories we share between us, but by god it would make things less difficult.
By my sixth beer, I can feel the heat radiating off my cheeks, and I know it’s more than just the fire. My eyelids feel heavy and speaking felt as if it were a mechanical task. Somehow I felt great, but so lousy at the same time. Floating in a vast sky with no land to be seen, with a weighted vest. Something snaps me outta my daze. A voice.
“Pony? You good, bud?” Soda chuckles, his head turned to face me. Guess the look I’d been wearing must’ve been real amusing; I even had Steve cracking a smirk.
“Golly, Soda, thought you said he could handle his beer,” he tuts all smug. Instantly my eyes narrow with annoyance.
“Oh, lay off, he’s just a bit of a lightweight. Nothin’ wrong with havin’ fun faster than us ‘ol geezers,” he retorts, his voice the same playful tone as ever. That’s what I love about Soda. He don’t ever take nothing seriously. Nothing got under his skin. Goes to show he’s a better man than me.
“Yeah, ya listen here, Stephen. The only reason imma mess is ‘cause I haven’t been buttchugging vodka since I was in braces.”
My slurred words surprise them both, and it’s clear they’re trying to hold back their laughter behind their agape mouths.
Before Steve could fire anything back, Soda inquires, “alright, I think you’ve hit your quota for the night.”
He stands up to retrieve the can resting between my thighs. I barely fight it, knowing the only drunker I’ll get at this rate is blackout.
As he’s leaned over to take it, I lazily look up into his everclear eyes.
“…Soda. Can I talk to you somewhere private?”
It’s like the sentence forms itself, using me as the puppet which to speak it.
“Of course, pal, we can head right inside if you need.”
It takes a concerning amount of effort for me to respond with, “sounds good.”
I stumble to my feet and let him carefully guide me inside from the kitchen’s back door. It’s dark and cold, the life of the party outside bleeding from the now shut door. Even in the depths of the dank kitchen, I can see his eyes sparkle at me.
“Whacha need, Pony? Need some advice on girl troubles or somethin’?” The way his speaks to me is so gentle and alluring, like the sight of pouring milk and honey into tea. What exactly was my endgame here? Was I really about to confession my dirtiest, most wretched secret of them all? Would I be outcasted? Treated like the freak I am? It was enough that I’m transgender, being singled out at school as the misfit to stay away from. But this? This was a whole other ballpark and I was just about to drive my one and only crowd away. And my biggest fan.
“I-I…” I swallow the lump in my throat, pursing my lips as I try to verbalize it all. But how does one put words to such things? Feelings? The feeling he gives me— it’s like basking in the warm yellow glow of the sunshine on a blustery autumn morning. The kiss of a raindrop in a sunshower. The harmony of a church organ and harp with my dutiful hymn falling from my lips.
Soda gives me an understanding smile as he cocks his head to one side.
“Take it slow, I’m in no rush. Just say what’s on your mind.”
I know he’s only trying to comfort me, but, how could he possibly be prepared for what I was about to unleash? Here goes nothing and everything.
With my heart already crumbling like a hunk of sandstone, I open my mouth.
“Soda, this is gonna sound strange and I understand if you get upset with me or even hate me. But… for as long as I can remember, I’ve had romantic feelings for you. I-I know it’s wrong, but dammit, I just can’t help it. If I could make it go away, I would! I can’t stop thinkin’ about it, everything you do, everything about you. I-I…”
I’m winded by the sudden wave of tears that overcome me; that lump in my throat just couldn’t go away. I cover my face with the deepest amount of shame I’ve ever harboured. Not only was my face, but so was my heart on fire. Like my entire vessel had been dipped in kerosene. Why did I do this?! Why did I choose to put myself in this situation?! I guess after all these years, enough was enough.
Without saying a single word, I feel his warm yet calloused hand tenderly squeeze my shoulder. I look up between my fingers.
“Oh, Pony… you can’t help how ya feel, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it…”
With a gentle sigh, Soda pulls me into an embrace. He holds me tight in his arms like some other invisible force was trying to yank me away. With another breath, he looks down on my tear-stained face.
“Y-you’re not mad…?” I ask, completely dumbfounded.
With a soft smile he shakes his head, loosening a few curls from his slicked back hair.
“No, I’m not mad. Actually, I… I’ve been feelin’ the same for awhile now… just never thought I could ever say it.”
A wave of relief and pure joy washes over me, practically clearing my skin. This had to be some dream, some fantasy I’ve absorbed myself into. But no. Here I am, in the flesh, with the man I love.
He continues, “Why do you think I always try so hard with the ladies? Just to get me to stop thinkin’ about you and your lil face. I had always worried you’d think I’m some creep.”
My lower lip quivers.
“O-of course not…! G-god, I’m so happy…! I— I just don’t know what to say…!” It was as if I was out of breath.
He gives a chuckle, amused by my excitement.
“You don’t gotta say nothin’. Now, I won’t seal the deal now only cause your drunker than a barfly. But… tomorrow, we’ll talk more about this. Either way, this can be our… little secret.”
Soda leans down to plant a gentle peck upon my lips, pulling away at what seems too soon.
“You should get some sleep, cutie. Don’t want ya tellin’ off Steve anymore. Don’t want a fire-side rumble now,” he chuckles, ruffling my hair like he always does.
I stop when I turn to head off to our shared bedroom.
“I… I love you, Soda. So much.”
He smiles back at me with the most genuine sincerity in his face.
“I love you too, Ponyboy. Never forget that.”
And with that, he turns to head back out to the smoke pit and the gang. I’m afraid if I pinch myself, I’ll wake up. Instead, I smile to myself as I sluggishly slink to my room and plop down on the bed I know Soda will be sleeping next to me on. Guess I’ll have to see what waits me tomorrow. What awaits us tomorrow.