Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kokichi hates summer.

Well... not entirely. He enjoys the short break from school. However, there are more aspects of the season he hates than he enjoys. The days are long , and the sun seems to never set, which makes it feel dragged out. He attempts to fill every day with something new, but that’s difficult to achieve when you have no one to bother. At least when he’s in school, there’s always someone around to pick on. 

Like Miu, his older classmate, with whom he had no problem teasing with inappropriate words. Or Kiibo, who shook with anger and stuttered. Even Kaede, who politely chuckled at everything Kokichi said. 

During the summer, there’s no one. He spots a classmate every once in a while when he’s out and about, but their friends occupy them. It’s too embarrassing if Kokichi goes up to them, so he hides. 

Ashamed is what he feels. Seeing the unlikable people he knows with these big groups of friends sends him into a spiral of thoughts. How could these people enjoy themselves? How could they stand to be around each other when they are so insufferable? 

He knows he’s not liked; that’s why he has no friends. He assumed the other insufferable people he knows would be the same way, but it seems the opposite. 

Kokichi stands with his feet on the concrete sidewalk. He looks down at all the cracks, avoiding them as he steps forward. He dances with them, his small feet hopping between each one. His energy seems to come at night, when the sun is gone and with it, its smoldering heat. 

He’s too old to be so childish. He knows this, being out of school now permanently, graduated somehow with his awful grades. There wasn’t anything to be proud of from that section of his life. The least he could do is enjoy the last summer with his innocence toward the world, even if it means doing it alone. 

He steps on a crack, feeling anxiety rise within him. He stops walking and steps both feet on the jagged line. His anxiety dissipates when he realizes nothing bad is going to happen. 

A house comes into view. A one-story, three-bedroom house in a typical suburban neighborhood. Kokichi held the keys in his left hand. They were his keys, decorated with a cubic dice trinket that was purple, which matched his hair surprisingly well. 

The door to his house was left unlocked, so his key was useless. Everyone was home tonight, a first in a long while. Laughter fills Kokichi’s ears as he enters, and he drags his feet toward the sound coming from the dining room. It doesn’t take him long to reach it, the house isn’t very big. 

A large group of friends sits at the house’s dining room table together with music at a low volume. There are some empty snack wrappers and cups littered across the large table in the center of the room. A few cards were scattered amongst the group, indicating they’ve been playing the game for a while now. 

At the head of the table sat a taller, larger boy than Kokichi. They shared some features, a similar nose, and when the light hits their hair the right way, the same purple hue. If you knew them better, you’d know they share the same sweet tooth and love for video games. They were close in age, but not born on the same date, which made their situation confusing to many. 

Nobody asked; they just accepted the brothers as they were. If you asked Kaito anyway, he’d dodge the question. If you asked Kokichi, he’d lie. There was no point. 

“You’re home late.” Kaito acknowledged his brother’s smaller frame in the doorway. 

“What are you doing?” Kokichi brushes off his brother’s comment, leaning on the frame. All heads were turned to him now, and the room went silent. He didn’t mind the attention. 

“Playing card games,” Kaito smiled, holding up his hand to reveal his cards. He flashes them to the group by accident. Kokichi holds his tongue. 

Kokichi thought his brother’s ‘parties’ were lame. There was never any alcohol, parents were always home, and all they did was play games and eat snacks. Sometimes they even watched a movie. Where was the fun in that? Kokichi thought parties should be wilder. They didn’t even play their music loud since their mother was asleep. What fucking losers…

“Lame.” Kokichi pushed himself off the door frame, walking toward the table. He leans over, getting in Shuichi Saihara’s personal space. Shuichi shies away from any contact that might occur. Kokichi didn’t know when he met Shuichi, or even when Kaito had brought this best friend home for the first time, but he knew him enough to know that he made Shuichi nervous. Kokichi picks up a few chips from a plastic bag and backs off, shoving them in his mouth. 

“Fuck off.” Kaito rolls his eyes, “Nobody asked you, did they?” 

Kokichi walks away from the table and heads out of the room. Kaito scoffed, growing annoyed from their short interaction. 

The voices picked up again once Kokichi left the room. As he headed to his bedroom, his heart began to sink. He didn’t understand why. It only got worse once he entered, closing the door and muffling the music from the dining room. 

Alone. Cut off from the life that existed in his home. He didn’t like any of Kaito’s friends. He thought they were too nice, too fake to be his friends. When they were younger, Kaito's friends just looked at Kokichi with pity. All he was to them was Kaito’s younger brother, the one who was forced on them because he couldn’t make his own friends. Kaito resented this as well. 

Kokichi stayed up for a few more hours, trying to make out conversations through the thin walls. At some point, he started to imagine himself in that room with all of them, laughing and enjoying himself. Only, he knew he didn’t fit there. He’d stick out like a sore thumb. 

Over time, the sound quieted down. He heard the front door open and shut every few minutes before the music was shut off. Shuffling continued for a while, then footsteps down the hallway. 

A knock at his door. Kokichi didn’t say a word. 

“Are you up?” A voice hushed, just barely making itself known. Kokichi kept his mouth closed. 

The door still opens with a slow creak. 

“You are up,” Kaito says, inviting himself in. Something Kokichi hated when he did. 

“Get the fuck out.” Kokichi groaned from where he sat on his bed, “It’s late, and I'm tired.” 

Kaito shook his head, “You could’ve hung out with us. You graduated too. You should be celebrating.”

“I’ve been to better graduation parties.” Kokichi lied. 

Kaito sighed, ignoring his brother’s attitude, “I know I'm an asshole, but I don’t mind you hanging around sometimes. It’s your house too, and I know that.” Liar. You’d yell at me to get out. Why are you lying?

“Why would I want to hang out with your friends?” Kokichi noted he sounded like a brat, “You guys are boring, and not to mention so irritating . Shuichi, especially, such a snoozefest. And y’know I can’t stand Maki, her and her stupid attitude–”

“Okay, whatever, man,” Kaito is quick to shut his brother down, not wanting to hear insults thrown at his cherished friends. “I tried.” 

His brother slams the door behind him. His frustration lingers behind and resonates in Kokichi. 

Kokichi lies down, his head hitting his pillow. 

The first day of summer passes as the clock continues to tick. 

Chapter Text

Kokichi is hungry.

His stomach twists and turns as he pulls his arms around his figure. The sun shines through his window and spills onto his bed, casting warmth onto his bare legs. Despite this, his legs are covered in goose bumps, and his hair stands up. He’s always been on the colder side with bad circulation, making his nailbeds turn purplish. 

A shiver makes its way down his body, going from his shoulders to his legs. He shouldn’t be cold, it’s fucking summer . 

He rolls over, facing the door instead of the wall. He could get up, drag his feet down the hall to the kitchen, throw something in the microwave, and eat. 

It all seemed too far. A couple of feet felt like miles. Plus, he’d have to talk to Kaito or his mother. That was enough to keep him glued to his sheets. 

Another hour passes before he sits up. He rises slowly, letting his body adjust to the sudden movement. A yawn escapes his cracked lips, and he runs his purple fingers through his knotted purple hair. He swings his legs around, placing his feet onto the cold hardwood floors, which sends another shiver up his body. 

Blackspots litter his vision. Dehydration and starvation, double whammy . As his vision returns slowly, he walks carefully to his bedroom door, being wary of anything he could trip on. Still dizzy by the time he reached his exit, he leaned his head on the door frame and let his balance even out before throwing the door open. 

The kitchen was empty. Bliss . 

Kokichi opens the fridge, staring into it without looking. He stood leaning on the door, rocking on his feet. Choice fatigue hits him. He considers going back to his room with nothing. 

A woman walks in, her pace rushed. Her long, dark, jet black hair is tied into a bun at the back of her head, strands falling out to frame her face. No makeup, or fancy clothes, but she was very beautiful and looked 10 years younger than she was. The lines on her face were there, but it had no help when guessing her age. Her stature was short and thin, longer limbs making her appear even thinner. Kaito trails behind her.

“Good morning, dear,” The woman places her slender hand on Kokichi’s face, bringing his forehead to meet her lips. There was a time he’d fight this, but now he doesn’t mind. He loves his mother. She reaches past him to grab the coffee creamer on the top shelf. Kokichi shuts the door behind her. 

She smiles widely, pouring the white liquid into a chipped ‘best mom’ mug containing a dark liquid. As she sips with one hand, she checks the watch on her wrist. “I have work in an hour. What are you boys up to today?” She sips again, hot liquid coating her mouth and throat. 

“Shuichi’s,” Kaito circles the small kitchen island, pushing past Kokichi to grab an apple on the counter. He bites into it quickly, leaving a huge bite and a trail of juice down his chin. He wipes it as he makes his way to the pantry. “We’re gonna go out to lunch.” 

Lunch? Isn’t it breakfast time? Kokichi glances at the clock, it’s past noon. He hums to himself. 

Kaito now has a granola bar in his hand, his apple gone, the core tossed away in the garbage. 

“Why are you eating now if you’re going out?” Kokichi asks, squeezing past to the pantry to examine its contents. This kitchen was too cramped for his liking, but he’s used to it. 

“I’m hungry?” Kaito waves a hand, mouth full of his snack. 

“Fat ass.” Kokichi insults as he examines a granola bar himself. It didn’t interest him enough. He places it back. 

“Hey!” Kaito stands tall, “If anyone’s fat, it’s you , you eat ice cream for dinner.” 

“I did that once!” Kokichi turns away from the pantry.

“And I know you’ll do it again…” Kaito sneers, crumbling the snack wrapper in his fist. 

“Be quiet, I have a headache.” Their mother sighs, placing the mug down but wrapping her fingers around it, “Why don’t you go with him, Kokichi?” 

Kokichi’s shoulders fall, “Why would I do that?” He scoffs, turning his attention to the floor. Suddenly shy, he plays with the skin around his fingernails. 

“It’s nice to get out during the day, ” She emphasizes, Kokichi knew she hated his habit of walking about at night. She says it’s dangerous, but she never said that to Kaito when he went out. “You need some sun, look how pale you are!” Her fingers suddenly pinch his cheeks, turning his attention to her. Her hand was warm from her coffee.

Kokichi expected his brother to fight back, complain until his mother dropped it. But he didn’t. He just stood there looking at the two, playing with the wrapper in his hand. 

“Yeah, we’re just going to the ramen place by Shuichi’s apartment.” Kaito shrugs, “I don’t care if you come, but you’re paying for yourself.” 

“No thanks.” Kokichi turns around to the pantry.

“I’ll pay for you two,” Their mother speaks up, pulling out her wallet. 

“Okay, I’ll go.” Kokichi turns from the pantry, grabbing the money quickly. 

“You’re so cheap.” Kaito fights back a laugh. 

Kokichi’s hunger got worse. For a moment, he had forgotten about it, distracted by getting dressed and leaving the house. Now he drags behind his brother, his stomach sending jabbing side pains. 

“Keep up!” Kaito yells, his pace way faster. 

“I’m dying! It hurts!” Kokichi cries, dragging his feet and wrapping his arms around his stomach. 

“Pick up the pace, and we’d be at Shuichi’s faster.” Kaito waits up for Kokichi, slowing down to walk beside his brother. 

The apartment building comes into view. Kokichi has been outside Shuichi’s door to pick up his brother, but that’s as far as he’d go. He wondered for a moment if he’d see the inside today. That curiosity was killed when he saw Shuichi standing near the road, his gaze down at his phone. 

Kaito startles him by calling his name, he puts his phone away with a smile. When he notices Kokichi behind his best friend, his face contorts in confusion. He shouldn’t look so confused, Kokichi thought. I’ve intruded before. Shuichi was only surprised because Kokichi hadn’t tagged along in years. Shuichi didn’t see much of Kokichi the last year of high school, but he didn’t question it too hard for now.

“H— Hey Kokichi,” Shuichi waves politely, his voice falters nervously. Kokichi smiles back, placing his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m starving, can we go please? ” Kokichi turns to Kaito, who sighs. 

“Yeah.” He gestures ahead, “Keep walking…” 

The ramen place was casual and small. There were a few tables inside, and before they could be seated, they spotted two girls holding a table for the group. Kokichi recognized them, Maki and Kaede, also old classmates.  Maki’s face stayed cold and emotionless while Kaede’s eyes lit up. 

The booths were big enough to fit them all, still Kokichi was squished at the end of one side next to Shuichi. The girls on one side, and the boys on the other. He felt like he was third wheeling a double date. 

Shuichi shuffled, trying to avoid touching legs with Kokichi, who didn’t care as much. He noticed Shuichi’s shuffling but didn’t bother to move, keeping his thigh against the others. Shuichi eventually gave up, sitting stiff as a board. 

“Hi Kokichi! I didn’t know you were coming.” Kaede smiled. Kokichi was getting fatigued from all the politeness and stiff, boring conversation. It just reminded him that these were not his friends. 

“Hungry.” It was the only thing Kokichi could squeeze out, his head pounding from the lack of substance in his stomach. He reached over the table, grabbing a menu from a pile and scanning. 

Everyone talked while he kept his gaze on the menu. Everything was swimming, he forgot how much hunger makes his brain foggy. He didn’t mind, it kept him distracted from the people around him. It distracted him from Kaito’s shitty jokes, Maki’s snarky comments, and Kaede’s laughter. It kept him from thinking about Shuichi’s knee brushing up against his own. He wasn’t thinking about how he couldn’t find a way into the conversation, or how he didn’t get half of their inside jokes. They weren’t funny anyway. He didn’t need to think about it. 

Orders were placed, and food came fast. Kokichi picked at the noodles with his chopsticks. Despite his hunger, he had only taken two or so bites. His stomach hurt. 

“You’re overly quiet.” A voice gets louder. Maki was speaking to him, and he lifted his head and stopped the movement with his chopsticks. 

“You’re one to talk.” He replied. Everyone had turned their attention, taking this time to take bites of their food that they had neglected while chatting. 

“Nobody expects me to talk,” Maki says, swirling some noodles onto her chopsticks. “I would’ve expected some comments from you already.” 

“I’m only here for free food,” Kokichi leans back, setting down his utensil, “Not to converse with you freaks.” Kaede suddenly looks away, and Shuichi shuffles. 

Shuichi couldn’t remember if Kokichi’s attitude had always been this mean and angry. Sure, Kokichi was Kaito’s annoying ‘little’ brother, but there were a few times Shuichi had laughed at the younger's jokes. The only time Shuichi had noticed Kokichi now was when he complained or insulted the group without any laughs. 

He was always observant, he assumed it was from the many years of living close to his uncle, who worked as a detective. He must’ve picked something up from him; he’d never be as good as his uncle, but he was still praised. Shuichi looked down at the boy next to him.

He noticed the bags under Kokichi’s eyes first. He always had them, but they seemed darker now, but maybe it was the lighting . He noticed the scowl on his cracked, dry lips. Kokichi’s face seemed darker, deprived of a smile and the feeling of anything positive recently. It’s quick, but his appearance completely changed when he noticed everyone staring. Shuichi was sure no one else had seen the look Kokichi held for a moment, maybe he even made it up. 

Kokichi smiled, empty, but he was smiling. He sat up, and his eyes shone. “I’m just kiddingggg ,” He dragged out his words in a childish way, “I miss my loving brother so much when I’m at home…” he looked down, playing with his fingers, “I couldn’t bear to be alone!” 

Kaito reaches suddenly over Shuichi, bonking Kokichi on the head with a light smack from his palm, “Knock it off!” He threatens as Kokichi laughs. 

“Don’t hit me!!” He flinches back, “I love you, and this is how you treat me. This is domestic violence!” He yells, piercing Shuichi’s ears, who leans away from the loud noise. 

“I’ll show you domestic violence!” Kaito attempts to stand, but he struggles in the small booth. 

“This is your friend?” Kokichi looks around the table, “You hang out with this abuser?” He accuses, crocodile tears welling up. Kaede opened her mouth, but her words failed as the scene grew more heated. The brothers continued to yell as people around them turned their full attention, unsure how to react. 

Maki sighs, “Enough!” She raises her voice. The brothers stop, fully standing over Shuichi as they halt the throwing of insults at the sudden rise of her voice. “You are worse than little school children.” She scolds, and the two slowly sit back down. 

Shuichi breathed out a sigh as everyone around went back to their own business. He forgot how much trouble the brothers can cause in public. Although he smiles, silently chuckling at the two bickering. Kokichi’s attitude switched so fast, Shuichi had forgotten about the sullen look he had seen already. 

Kokichi’s smile doesn’t fall again. He makes sure of it. 

Chapter Text

Kokichi likes being home alone. 

Kaito is rarely home during summer, out often with his friends. Their mother is busy at work, an on-call nurse who enjoys being at the hospital more than anything. She’ll complain about the labor and the lack of sleep, but she lives off the fatigue and chaos. 

Kokichi didn’t have much to do, so he was always home. He only left when school was in session, or on his late-night walks. It was better when no one was here. He didn’t feel like he was being intruded on. He could hang out in the shared spaces without the noise and bombarding nature of his family. He knew he could be the same way, so he couldn’t complain, however, he did. 

It was past noon by the time Kokichi got out of bed again. It’s a shock if he even opens his eyes before 11 am. He took his sweet time walking to the kitchen, dragging one foot in front of the other and sliding on the cold floors with his soft socks. He hums, sound leaking through his dry lips. Opening the fridge, he grabs a cold drink. Bright in color, something radioactive about it. 

It’s sugar-free at least. Maybe that’ll make up for the large amounts of artificial dyes and other chemicals. It tasted good to him. Kokichi couldn’t tell the difference between sugar and artificial sweeteners, Kaito complained about it, though. Luckily for Kokichi, that meant Kaito would never drink his drinks from the fridge. 

Despite the carbonation, he chugs down half as he makes his way toward the living room. He tries to remember the last time he didn’t feel dehydrated. 

A shock hits his body as he catches a figure on the couch in front of him. For a moment, he thought it was an intruder, someone unknown. The fear quickly dissipates as he locks eyes with Shuichi Saihara, who is an intruder but not unknown. He smiles, the corners of his mouth twitching, and his hand raises to wave shyly. 

“Sorry if I startled you.” He said, looking down and hiding his gaze under the brim of his hat. He’s inside. Why is he wearing that?

“Nothing scares me.” Kokichi caps his drink, bending his knees to place it on the coffee table, “What the fuck are you doing here?” He comes off more aggressive than he intended.

Shuichi noticed, flinching at the tone, “Kaito is walking Maki home, he told me I could stay here. I– I didn’t know you were here. I'm sorry.” He apologizes again. 

Kokichi shrugs, “I live here.” He glances out the window.

“R– Right, I know.” Shuichi shuffles, and they sit in uncomfortable stillness for longer than they both would enjoy. Kokichi didn’t want to walk away. 

“Are you okay?” Shuichi squeezes out, his voice timid and small like asking that question would earn him a punch to the face. 

Kokichi snapped his attention. When was the last time he was asked that? He didn’t know. Why is Shuichi asking? What does he care? 

“Peachy.” Kokichi grins, fighting back a giggle as he glances down at his peach-flavored drink. Shuichi caught the joke, but didn’t laugh. He desired a real explanation that Kokichi wouldn’t dare to give. 

“You seem…” Shuichi’s voice trails off, he shakes his head, “S– Sorry, never mind.” 

“No.” Kokichi snaps, narrowing his eyes in curiosity, “What were you gonna say?”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“What were you gonna say?” He repeats, more demanding as he grows impatient.

Shuichi keeps his eyes elsewhere, fidgeting with the skin around his nails. “You seem off.”

“Off?”

“You know… Sad .” The word hit Kokichi harder than he thought, even though he knew what he was going to hear. He doesn’t respond. “I didn’t see you much senior year, and every time I see you now, you look tired. I don’t mean to pry, but—” 

Kokichi tunes his anxious rambling out, thinking about his own issues. I didn’t realize it was so obvious. Am I really that obvious? No, Shuichi’s just a psychoanalyzing freak. I hate when he does this.  

“I’m good.” Kokichi cuts the other off, his voice devoid of personality. “Stick your nose in someone else’s business.” He almost gags on his own words, hating how quickly he is to snap lately. What happened to the smile he could put on? Or the laughs he could force out?

“I’m sorry. You’re right.” Shuichi adjusts his hat, his voice defeated and faint. Kokichi’s heart skipped a beat, and his chest began to burn, guilt eating at him. He has been off, he could admit that to himself at least. He could barely remember his old nature. 

Guilt still feeding at his inside, he steps slowly to the spot beside Shuichi on the couch. Shuichi stiffens as Kokichi settles next to him. “You didn’t want to walk Maki home?” He questions, not speaking the words he wished to.

“I can read a room,” Shuichi chuckles, “Maybe I’m wrong, but I think they’d benefit from being alone for a bit.” 

That’s correct, Kokichi nods in agreement. “God, I wish they’d get a room,” a complaint escapes his lips as he rubs his face in his hands, nursing an oncoming headache. “How are they not together?! Everyone knows they like each other!” He sits up in frustration.

Shuichi smiles at how worked up Kaito’s brother was becoming, “I know! At least Kaito admits it, I don’t think Maki ever will.” 

“It pisses me off,” A smile begins to creep on Kokichi’s face as they casually converse, “It’s been like this since we we’re kids.”

Kaito and Maki have known each other since elementary school, feelings developing slowly throughout the years. Everyone seemed aware that it was mutual between them, except the couple themselves. Kaito won’t believe it, and Maki doesn’t want to. He thinks Kokichi is lying to him, and that Shuichi’s just being friendly. 

“He doesn’t listen to you either?” Shuichi questions, shifting toward the other. 

“Nope! Thinks I’m lying.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Well, I probably would’ve thought that too.” Shuichi shrugs, “You don’t exactly have the best track record.” 

“He should be used to it by now.” 

The front door slams against the inside wall as it's pushed open. Kokichi could tell by now that the noise was Kaito. His mother would never open the door that aggressively. His brother stomps into the living room. 

Kaito’s beaming until he notices Kokichi sitting next to his friend, “What are you two talking about?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“ You .” Kokichi doesn’t lie even if he wants to, “And you’re sad, pathetic love life.” Shuichi holds a laugh in his chest.

Kaito goes red, “Fuck you.” 

“We know you like her~” He taunts. Kaito stands above them, crossing his arms and resisting the blush creeping onto his cheeks. 

“I wish she liked me too.” He confesses, no shame. He may be embarrassed, but he didn’t mind talking about it. Really, he could talk about Maki forever. 

Shuichi and Kokichi shared a glance that felt like bonding. Shuichi sighs, “She does.” 

“Yeah, Shuichi’s right, like always... Y’know he’s real smart, why don’t you listen to him?” It sounded like bullying with Kokichi’s tone. Shuichi wasn’t sure if he could take the compliment or not. “You should confess to her before you go off to college.” 

Kaito sighs, “I want to, but she’ll probably reject me…” The vulnerability in his voice pains the boys on the couch. 

“At least if she does, you’ll be off to college.” Shuichi reminds him, “Then you won’t have to see her.”

Kokichi nods, pointing a finger and waving it, “Right! And you can drown your sorrows in college chicks! Or booze, if you wanna keep the family legacy going. ” Shuichi cringes at his joke.

“What if it ruins our friendship? I don’t want to lose her… I don’t want to be that guy friend who confesses and ruins a perfect friendship.” Kaito’s overthinking will get him nowhere. 

Shuichi shakes his head, “It won’t, Maki’s not like that. Plus, I guarantee you , she likes you back.” 

“You’re really that confident?” 

“Yes!” Kokichi stands up, “We have been for years! Listen to the man! Listen to me! ” He runs a stressed hand through his hair. 

Kaito shakes his head, “I’ll think on it.” Kokichi groans, slapping his hands on his face, “I’ll be back, I’m going to grab my wallet, and then we can head out Shuichi.” 

As Kaito vanishes down the hall, Kokichi, still standing, turns to Shuichi. “He’s a dumb ass.” He holds his hands out, grasping at nothing in frustration. 

“He’s trying.” Shuichi attempts to be polite, Kokichi raises an eyebrow, “... But he’s not the brightest when it comes to romance.”

They stir in silence, thinking about their mutual connection and his love life. It’s suddenly awkward, the air stiff and warm. Kokichi kind of wanted to thank him for asking about his well-being before, but if he did that would make everything increasingly more uneasy. Shuichi also desired to say something, but couldn’t find the words. 

Shuichi feels a sudden squeeze on his shoulder. Kokichi had put his hand there, sending a pit to Shuichi’s stomach as he swallowed harshly at the sudden contact. He almost chokes. The contact comes to a swift end as Kaito returns, leaving a lingering sensation in Shuichi’s chest that makes him want to interrogate the other. He doesn’t, though, simply standing to follow Kaito out of the house. 

Staring at his hand, Kokichi wonders why he did that. Was that his attempt at gratitude? He hoped that it would reach Shuichi in the way he intended, whatever way that might be. 

Chapter Text

Shuichi had a lot of friends.

It was a lot more than he believed he should have. He never put effort into making friends as a child; they came to him easily. Kaito was the first, bombarding him with questions on the first day Shuichi was in class. 

Shuichi moved a lot when he was younger because of his parents' jobs. He has more stamps on his passport than most people would see in their entire lives. At some point, they decided it might be better for him to stay put, and they sent him to live with his mother’s brother, his uncle. He was told they made that sacrifice for him, but he couldn’t help but feel as though it was just an excuse to get rid of him. It was easier to move around without an anxious toddler at your side. 

It was mid-year when Shuichi had started in his new, permanent school district. He was wiser than the other 10-year-olds in his class. They recommended he move up a grade, however, his uncle rejected that, thinking he needed to be with kids his age. He believed this especially because of how socially underdeveloped the poor boy had ended up. 

Kaito was his seatmate, having been paired up with him since he was so friendly, and the teacher thought it would help acclimate Shuichi. It did, maybe a little too much, since Shuichi had become so codependent on that friendship very early on. 

He’s still codependent with Kaito, always following him around in tense (or calm) social situations. He was Shuichi’s safety blanket. 

Kaito gave him his other friendships. He introduced him to Maki, Kaede, Rantaro… the list goes on. Shuichi beats himself up over the fact that he could never make a friend on his own, but really, he was just grateful Kaito kept him around even in his worst moments. 

Sometimes when he’s sitting in the large group, he sits back and takes it all in. He’d have nothing if it weren’t for Kaito. 

Kaito also gave Shuichi the wonderful gift of Kokichi. 

During the first year of Shuichi’s friendship with Kaito, he had no idea that his new friend even had a brother. He had never mentioned him before. At first, Shuichi was filled with questions. He asked him about how they were brothers, yet born in the same year, but not on the same day. You can’t be twins. He asked him why he had never mentioned him before. He dropped it quickly when Kaito would just shrug, not appearing to know the answers himself. 

“He’s just always been here.”

Kokichi piqued Shuichi’s interest, wreaking havoc on his naturally curious brain by simply existing. When he finally spoke words to him, it made him even more curious. 

Kokichi was loud , a jokester, who didn’t change his character for anyone. He didn’t act polite to Shuichi, immediately showing off his true colors to the boy he had only just met. Kaito had learned to stop apologizing for Kokichi’s actions early on; either his friends had to live with his brother’s antics or not be friends with him at all. They are a package deal. 

Still, Kaito tried to keep Kokichi away from his personal social life. 

Intimidated was how Shuichi felt around the other. He was so unapologetically himself in a way the anxious boy couldn’t fathom. He was so open about his interests, quick to respond, and act in impolite ways that he thought were funny. Kaito and his mother claimed the boy would never change, no matter how hard they tried, so they tried very minimally to do so. 

There was a shift. Shuichi noticed almost instantly in the first week of their senior year. Years prior, Kokichi had always been popping up, sneaking into Kaito and Shuichi’s shared classes to bother the boys. This year, they were all in the same class, and despite that, Kokichi kept to himself. 

It was gradual, the first couple of days he attempted at lighter discussions, before dropping all attempts. He sat at the back of the class, focusing on the work that he had never cared about before. 

Despite this shift, Kokichi was still himself outside of class. Shuichi never read much into his change since he saw the other pulling pranks and hurling insults at the only two people with whom he would hang out. It stayed this way until graduation, glimpses of his once radiant personality still shining through. 

Yet, the last week of senior year was different. Everyone was so enthusiastic for graduation, to continue on with their lives, and finally move on. Kokichi was indifferent; if he was asked, he was happy to be out of classes since he loathed them so much. He spoke that, but there was a small flicker of something melancholic behind his eyes that Shuichi thought he was making up. Kokichi had started to quiet down. 

He was snippy, more so than usual, like his mean words had true meaning now. He didn’t speak unless spoken to. Shuichi never saw him at lunch anymore or on the walk home. He’d only see him in lessons, his eyes glued to his notebook littered with sketches. 

Shuichi didn’t think much about it. He was never close to Kokichi, and asking him about his well-being would be strange. 

Though he couldn’t hold back when it was just the two of them alone. All he got was brushed off. 

There was no denying it. Kokichi lost his personality. 

Shuichi noticed the attempt to maintain it, to keep the script he had for himself. He was failing, and it was getting worse every day. He was barren in his eyes, tired and dark. 

What happened to him last summer? Why was senior year so different? Is he okay?

All these thoughts and more swam in Shuichi’s already cluttered brain. For the most part, he kept it to himself, he was an innate worrier and overthinker. And even though Kokichi didn’t think they were friends, Shuichi still cared. They grew up together after all. 

“You in there, Shuichi?” The sound of his name being called draws his attention. He had his eyes fixated on the floor in front of him, but now he was face-to-face with Kaito. 

Kaito grins as they make eye contact, chuckling at his spacey friend. 

“Y— Yeah. Sorry, just spaced out.” He shook away the fog. “What are we doing here again?” He asked, but Kaito never mentioned why they were combing the racks of an apparel store. 

“I need a new bathing suit.” Kaito huffed, forcefully pushing away the clothes he didn’t find suited him, “Rantaro’s pool party this weekend… I tried on my old ones, but I think I gained a few pounds.” He looks down at his body.  

“I think it’s muscle.” Shuichi pointed out, “You’ve been running more, haven’t you?” 

“Yeah! My leg muscles are huge now,” He sticks his chest out with pride, “I've been going on walks too.” 

“Really? On top of running?” Shuichi was winded just listening, he knew Kaito also did weight training, and various other exercises. Where did he find the time? Shuichi could hardly handle the training he did inconsistently with Kaito and Maki. 

Kaito nods, “Kokichi insists on taking walks at night, says he can handle it more because there’s no heat.” He shrugs, “I don’t want him going out on his own, so I go with him now, even if he doesn’t want me to.” 

“That’s nice of you.” Shuichi comments, looking at the bathing suits in front of him. Nothing caught his eye. He had a good pair at home anyways. 

A sigh escaped Kaito’s lips, “I just worry about him. He’s weak as it is; if he gets mugged, they’re gonna beat him to something bad. I swear I have to worry about him like he’s my sister.” Shuichi was unsure how he felt about that statement. It wasn’t necessarily evil, but he knew how much Kokichi was bullied in middle school for being on the smaller side and “girly”. 

“He may be weak but that motherfucker can walk for hours.” Kaito laughs, sounding a bit stressed. “He had me out until midnight yesterday…” 

Shuichi shook his head, he couldn't imagine what they would chat about on their stroll. Maybe nothing at all. 

“How about these?” Kaito lifts a pair of bathing shorts, purple with a yellow embroidered logo at the bottom. 

“I think they suit you.” Shuichi smiled. He didn’t think they were anything special, but purple matched his hair. Kaito made his way to the counter to pay. 

As they wandered out of the store and into the rest of the mall, they ran into some familiar faces. 

“Hello!” Kaede smiles widely, in her arms we’re multiple shopping bags. Beside her was Maki, who had only one small bag, and Miu on the other side of her with double the number of bags Kaede had. It was an odd collection; none of these girls shared much in common, but they got along well enough. 

“Hey!” Kaito waved back, smiling even wider. Such positive people. “What are you guys doing here?” 

“Shopping.” Maki replies coldly, “What else would you do at a mall?” 

“You could eat,” Miu answers, staring down at her phone while biting her nail. “Fuck, I spent a lot…” 

“Oh! Speaking of, do you want to join us at the food court?” Kaede asked the boys. Maki suddenly grew shy, looking in another direction.

Kaito perked up, “Yeah! That would be nice,” He beams, “There’s this new bubble tea place I wanted to try. Maki, do you like bubble tea?” He turns his attention abruptly to the shorter girl.

“I–” She was caught off guard by the sudden question, “I– Don’t mind it…” Her face grows hot and red.

As the group made their way to the food court, Miu squeezed her way between Shuichi and Kaito. 

“Where’s the shit stain?” She questioned, her voice more serious than her words.

“Who?” Kaito cocks his head to the side, “Kokichi?”

“Yeah, I haven’t spoken to him since graduation.” Her voice laced with worry, “Don’t tell me he’s fucking ignoring me! I’ll beat his ass.” 

Kaito slowed down, and Miu trailed behind him. Shuichi kept his pace but listened. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t need to let anyone know he had listened anyway. Most people assumed he didn’t hear anything. That’s a plus of being the quiet kid. 

“He’s been ignoring you?” Kaito asked, shocked. 

“I’ve texted him about forty times! He’s left me on delivered like I’m some desperate ex looking for a quickie!” Miu’s face twists in frustration. 

Kaito stalls for a moment, his brain swimming, “He’s been sick.” He says suddenly and meekly. He felt guilty for lying.

“For real?” Miu sighs, not catching on that he lied, “He could’ve just told me that, eh whatever that little asshole doesn’t have any fucking manners.” Kaito could say the same for her. “Send him my regards, or something. I don’t care. Tell him to answer my damn texts actually.” She speeds up to the girls, but Kaito hangs behind. His face was sullen and full of worry. Shuichi wanted to, but didn’t say anything. 

・・・・・

“You’re ignoring Miu?” Kaito bursts into Kokichi’s room. 

Kokichi lay in his bed, feet dangling off the side. He was in his pajamas, the same ones he wore two days prior. He lifted his head at the sound of the door opening, his eyes fluttering open. 

“What?” He blinks away the sleep he was trying to get, “Did you talk to her?”

“Yeah,” Kaito shuts the door behind him, leaning against it. He notes the room is cold from the AC blasting in the window, “She asked about you.” 

“Oh,” Kokichi lays his head back down, closing his eyes, “What’d you say to her?” 

“That you were sick.” Kaito clicked his tongue. “What the hell is going on with you?” 

“Nothing. I’m trying to nap.” He waves a hand, turning his body away from his brother. 

“Why are you ignoring your friends?” 

“She’s not my friend.”

“She is your friend.” 

Kokichi keeps his mouth shut.

Kaito lingers, thinking of what to say next, “Do I have to tell Mom?” 

He’s sitting up now, too quickly. His vision was suffering, and an aching was spreading to his brain. “There’s nothing wrong with me. Stop worrying her for no reason.” 

The older boy’s shoulders drop in defeat. His brother was so defensive, more so than he ever has been. It tires Kaito out. He couldn’t fight him on anything. He didn’t want his help. 

“Come to Rantaro’s party this weekend.” He says, pushing himself off the wall.

“What? Why?” 

“Show me you’re okay.” Kaito places a hand on the door handle, “Show everyone you’re more than okay.” 

Kokichi pondered for a moment. He’d get their mother involved if he didn’t. He could put on a face for a few hours, plus he liked Rantaro. In all honesty, his thoughts were occupied by how attractive the party host was. He didn’t like Rantaro like that, but he couldn’t help but stare sometimes. Maybe everyone will leave him alone if he attends. 

“Do I have a choice?” 

“Yeah,” Kaito opens the door, “You’re an adult.”

“Right.”

As Kaito turns to leave, he sticks his head in, “It’s a pool party.” 

“Okay.”

One more time before leaving his sticks his head in again, “I love you.”

“ Okay .”  

Chapter Text

Kokichi likes swimming. 

He stayed to the side today, keeping his legs submerged in the water. It was cold. He could feel his fingers turning shades of purple and blue. He wanted to be in the water, though. He holds a towel around his shoulders like a blanket. 

The brothers were late to the party, but that’s normal. Kokichi got up early, spending an extra hour to get ready. He only had two bathing suits. Both from last year. One didn’t fit anymore, falling too far to be acceptable in public. The other was good enough, but clearly still too big for his smaller frame. 

He had no choice. Despite that, he hung out in front of his mirror for too long. He felt alright for a moment, but the longer he remained there, the more his body would distort. 

Jeez, my arms are too skinny, I look like a twig. He noted that from the side, they appear larger, especially when pressed against his body. He noted how awkward and wide his ribcage appeared, and how his bruised knees on his pale skin made him look frail. He noticed the amount of fat on his stomach and how his thighs were thicker at the top. He believed he held his weight wrong. 

Not that he cared too considerably. He knew he was thin; nobody would notice the things he noticed, right? The towel kept him concealed and warm.

Nobody paid mind to Kokichi’s presence. Except Miu, for a moment. She shouted at him for neglecting her. 

“I don’t give a rat’s fat ass if you were sick! You don’t leave a gorgeous woman on sent .” Her breath stank of cheap hard seltzer. Ah, she’s tipsy . 

“I didn’t leave a gorgeous woman on sent last time I checked.” He taunted. She whined.

They conversed for a bit. It consisted mainly of Miu filling him in on what he missed. Not much. Miu had gotten into her summer internship, which he knew already, but he let her repeat herself. She was eager to spend three days of her week at the lab. Kiibo was in the same program, but a different division, so they didn’t go on all the same days. They carpooled when they did. She discussed her plans to attend college and how she wants to have the party experience. Kokichi’s only comment was that she should pay attention in class since ‘you’ll be the dumbest bitch there’. 

Miu left him to talk to her other friends. He sat alone on the side of the pool now. He never got along with most of the boys here, or the girls . He didn’t even get along with Miu, but she enjoyed the bickering and stuck about. Kokichi supposes she’s a masochist. 

People watching was a fun hobby Kokichi had. It kept him occupied. 

Maki lay in a chair on the other end of the pool. She sunbathed in her red bikini, something Kokichi never believed she’d wear in public. She wasn’t the showy type. She tanned well, and it complemented her complexion. Her eyes were shut as she relaxed. Kokichi never noticed how muscular she was. 

In the chair next to her was a long-haired, tall boy their age. Korekiyo. Kokichi didn’t know him well; he knew he spoke funny, and Kokichi had made fun of him once, but he had no reaction to it. Instead, he started to psychoanalyze Kokichi in the middle of class. Kokichi never pestered him again. 

Rantaro stood by the pool, conversing in a circle with Miu and Kiibo. Kokichi wanted to stare longer, but he didn’t find Rantaro as attractive as he used to. Yeah, he was still handsome, but it wasn’t interesting to Kokichi anymore. His soft but strong features, his flawless body… Kokichi wouldn’t say he was jealous, but his chest hurt to look at him for too long. Envy.

He noticed more people around, some he knew and some he didn’t recognize at all. 

Playful screaming erupts from the pool. Kaede’s hair was now drenched. Despite being continuously splashed by Kaito, she maintained a smile on her face. To defend her honor, Shuichi splashed his friend on the back. As Kaito turned around, Kaede began to pelt him with water. The three of them were soaked from head to toe as they splashed each other. 

Kokichi held back a laugh as Kaito mistakenly threw water in the wrong direction. His splash stream hits Maki’s feet at the end of her chair. She sits up, alarmed, taking in the scene around her.

Kaito stands motionless, then turns to Shuichi, “Shuichi, what the hell? Why did you splash Maki for no reason? She’s trying to relax!” He fibs. Maki didn’t believe it, lowering her sunglasses to glare. 

“What?!” Shuichi exclaimed, “I did not!” 

“You’ll have to pay.. y’know for splashing a poor defenseless woman…” Kaito sighs. Shuichi backs up, catching another way Kokichi and Kaito were related. Both had evil intentions. 

“What? I didn’t do that! You did!” He tried to defend himself.

Kaede shakes her head, “Bad liar you are Shuichi…” She’s messing with me too! Kaede giggles, bad at lying as well. 

Kaito pounces on Shuichi, holding him under the water shortly before letting him go so he could resurface and breathe. They tussled for a bit before Shuichi tapped out, swimming toward Kokichi on the side.

“Hey.” Kokichi greets first. Shuichi is out of breath, holding himself up in the water with his arms on the ledge. They were still a considerable amount of distance away. 

“Hi.” Shuichi coughed, startled by the sudden shot from Kokichi. “Are you cold?” 

“No, sweating,” Kokichi replies. 

“I didn’t know you were coming.” Shuichi’s breath returned to normal. His hair dripping with pool water, he shakes it out and brushes his bangs from his face. This is the most of Shuichi’s face that Kokichi had ever seen. 

Kokichi had seen Shuichi’s features before, commenting that he’s a ‘pretty boy’ to make him unsettled. Kokichi wasn’t lying for once. The other did have some unreal qualities. His eyelashes were lengthy, his skin kissed with birthmarks that looked deliberately positioned. His jawline was soft, but it suited him well. He could be a model. Wasn’t his mother one?

“I don’t miss a party.” Kokichi smiles, kicking his legs in the water.

“Right, I forgot how much of a partier you are.” Shuichi teases, looking up at the other and leaning his head in his arms on the pavement. 

“Don’t speak so sarcastically. I love a party.” He rolls his eyes. 

“I wasn’t.” 

“You can’t lie to me, Shuichi.” Kokichi laughed, snaking a hand out of the towel to flick Shuichi’s forehead lightly, “You’re bad at it.” He was average.

“Are you enjoying yourself at least?” Shuichi questioned, his cheek pressed against his arms as he rested his head. 

Kokichi opened his mouth, but halted abruptly to think. Was he? He wasn’t feeling any particular way about his situation. He wasn’t annoyed or upset about being here. He didn’t wish to be home instead, but he wouldn’t care much if he were. Would anyone notice if he wasn’t here? He wasn’t even invited.

“Kokichi?” Shuichi snapped him out of his thoughts, splashing closer to him to get a better look at his face.

“That’s a stupid question,” Kokichi answered, “Of course I am.”

Shuichi smiles, wanting to believe Kokichi, “Alright, good.” 

“What about you?” Kokichi keeps kicking his legs in the water, now accustomed to the cold temperature, at least below his knees. “You don’t seem like the type to appreciate this scene.”

“I’m not a party person.” Shuichi sinks into the water, using it to brush the hair out of his face. “This isn’t bad, though, there aren’t that many people, plus I know everyone.” Kokichi only knew half of the people here. It was more relaxed than an actual party—more of a get-together than anything.

Suddenly, Kokichi’s upper body was drenched in cold. He shivered, driving his attention away from the discussion he was enjoying. Kaito held a hand over his mouth as he laughed. 

“What the fuck?!” Kokichi cursed. 

“Get in the water, loser!” Kaito shouted back, cupping his hands over his mouth to amplify his already blaring voice. 

“It’s cold! I don’t want to, you moron!” 

The towel was drenched, but Kokichi didn’t take it off. It weighed heavier on his shoulders than before. 

・・・・・

Some people returned home as it got dark. Kaito decided he wanted to stay, which meant Kokichi could wait or walk home alone. He persuaded himself he was staying because he didn’t want to walk home alone in the dark. 

It was anything but warm inside Rantaro’s home. The AC blasted across the large space. The floor was very cold, being tiled with an expensive white color. Kokichi couldn’t remember where his sandals had gone. Probably outside. He wasn’t going to wear his dirty shoes inside anyway; he had some manners. 

No parents home, which meant they could hang out in the living room. 

Korekiyo, Kaito, and Kiibo took up the larger couch while the three girls took up the slightly shorter one. There was room, but Kokichi wasn’t going to crowd between any of them. Rantaro brought in a chair for himself. Shuichi sat on the floor. 

Kokichi chose to sit by Shuichi at a comfortable distance and closer to the coffee table so he could lean on it. The living room has a rug, so sitting there wasn’t so bad. Shuichi thought he was being secretive with his staring, but Kokichi felt his eyes burning into the back of his skull. 

“How about spin the bottle?” Miu suggests, slamming her feet onto the table. 

“Absolutely not.” Maki shuts it down instantly.

“Seven minutes in heaven?” Miu looks about. Everyone stares at her with discomfort or disapproval. “ Fine , truth or dare?”

“You are such a cliche.” Kokichi scoffs, earning a scattered laugh. 

Miu huffs, “Is it so wrong for a bitch to want some drama?” She crossed her arms like a toddler who didn’t get their way. Her face lights up, and she snaps her fingers, “Pocky game.”

“Who the hell is playing the pocky game anymore?” 

“Us!” Miu glances around. Everyone is undoubtedly against it, “ C’monnnn ! I wanna see some girls kiss girls and boys kiss boys.” She whines. 

Kokichi shakes his head, “ I feel like you can’t just say that .”

Kaede chimes in, “I’m okay with truth or dare.” Some people nod with her. 

Miu’s eyes light up with another idea, “… Truth or drink…” 

“Not everyone here drinks…” Kaede’s shoulders sag. 

“Who?” Miu questions. Kaito… Kokichi counts, glancing at the rest. He wasn’t sure about anyone else, but he was confident there had to be one or two other people who didn’t. 

Miu settled for ordinary truth or dare after some convincing that you could have fun without drinking. However, her first dare was assigned to Rantaro, who had to shotgun one of his father’s beers.

Kokichi was able to make it through most of the game without being noticed. He observed, watching each turn. 

Kaito had confessed to shitting himself once, something he should’ve had more shame over in Kokichi’s opinion. Kaede had to show off her handstand that she hadn’t done since her childhood gymnastics classes, but she fell. Maki was asked if she had ever had a crush on anyone. She shot that down fast and got her turn skipped. A few turns past, nothing too crazy happened. 

“Kokichi.” His attention was called. Miu leans forward on the couch, preparing to ask, “Truth or—“

“I’m not playing.” Kokichi cuts her odd. 

“What?!” Miu exclaims, “Yes the fuck you are!”

“No the fuck I’m not.” He copies. 

Rantaro shifts to him, “You gotta man. As the host, you have to.” He grins. 

Kokichi jerks his head, “I'm the guest. Guests get treated with respect.” 

“Not in this house.” Rantaro jokes, clearly a bit intoxicated.

Kokichi locks eyes with his brother, “Come on. I’m sure it won’t be that bad.” Kaito assures. 

A groan escapes Kokichi’s lips, “ Fffffine .” If he chooses truth, he could just lie. Everyone expects that from him anyways. But what would she even ask? 

“Dare.” It was easier to do something than answer a question. 

Miu ponders for a moment, “You’re gay, right?” She asks unexpectedly. Everyone goes silent, unsure how to react to such an unabashed question. 

“Did I not say dare?” Kokichi looks around at everyone, and Kaede shrugs. 

“That isn’t a real question dipshit. Everyone knows that already.” Miu says, waving a hand. 

Kokichi opens his mouth but is too dumbfounded to speak. 

“Kiss Rantaro.” She points a finger. Rantaro doesn’t react. 

At a loss for words again, Kokichi glanced at Rantaro, who stared forward at Miu. 

“No.” Kokichi shakes his head rapidly, “No, I don’t think so.” 

“Fine,” She shrugs. A brief wave of relief washes over Kokichi, assuming his turn would be overlooked. “Kiss Shuichi.” I should’ve known. 

Unlike Rantaro, Shuichi is very vocal about his shock, “Huh?! Why am I suddenly involved?” 

Miu chuckles, “You look gay.” Shuichi glitches. 

“You can’t make me kiss anyone.” Kokichi reminds her, “That’s not consensual.” 

Miu sighs, grunting and slumping her shoulders, “Have some fucking fun!” She complains, “God forbid I try to help you!” Kokichi didn’t find that helpful. She always had to try and get involved with his romantic life, or lack thereof. He had no interest. 

Rantaro stood up, “You want someone to kiss someone. Miu?” 

“Yeah. I want this shit to feel real highschool .” Why would you want that? School just ended, why can’t it be over?

“Okay. I’ll do it in place of Kokichi.” He turns toward the two boys sitting on the floor, “Shuichi? Is that okay?” He asks. 

“What? Like kiss me?” Shuichi flushes red. Kokichi felt a pit in his stomach. 

“Yeah,” He shrugs, “We’ve kissed before in a game, haven’t we?” 

They’ve done this before?! 

Shuichi nods. Kokichi feels queasy. “Yeah, that’s fine.” 

Kokichi was confident in his sexuality. He wasn’t parading his interest in men about, but he didn’t conceal it. Although he’s never had a boyfriend or even kissed anyone . Despite his confidence, he could never do something like this. He couldn’t kiss a person at random. So when Rantaro made his way to Shuichi, bent over and placed his lips on Shuichi’s, Kokichi felt sick. 

It was so casual, over in less than a second. Shuichi was left a nervous wreck, but that was expected and typical. Rantaro walked back to his spot. Kokichi couldn’t fathom being normal. He could act normally on the exterior, but he would totally be freaked out on the inside. He’d have to run away, he believes. 

Something about it made him infuriated. He desired to have a casual friendship like that, maybe without the kissing, but just the intimacy of being able to do that with no repercussions or awkwardness after. Perhaps that was bizarre, maybe that wasn’t why he was upset. You’d think he’d want to see two attractive men kiss in front of him. He didn’t. He hoped he’d never see those two kiss again. If he had his way, he would erase the moment from his memory. 

Miu throws her arms up. “That wasn’t very fun.” 

Rantaro chuckles, “I know, that’s what I had to show you.” 

Chapter Text

Kokichi is a picky eater. 

When he was younger, he preferred sweets and snacks over meals. Kokichi would rather have a pastry before he ate steak. Kokichi’s favorite meal of the day was breakfast when it was acceptable to have something sweet as a meal. The sweet taste gave him that dopamine rush he needed so badly.  

He was always short, which made him appear smaller, but the bad diet led to some unsavory weight gain at a young age. His mother called it ‘baby fat’, but he didn’t grow out of it as he entered high school. 

Never bothered by it, he continued to eat the way he did. High school was brutal though, the bullying got worse. Although he never acted like he cared what people said about him, it still echoed in his mind when he was alone. Maybe he wouldn’t be alone if he were more attractive. Maybe people would put up with his personality. 

He changed his diet. Starting to eat better, switching out sugar for artificial sweeteners, and favoring vegetables as long as they were cooked in a way he liked. His family praised him, finally happy that he was eating better with more variety. 

Only it didn’t work for long. He lost weight, but not enough. So he lowered his portions at the suggestion of an internet search. It worked until it didn’t. He started to work out, hated it, and decided it would be easier to eat less to make up for it. He’d rather be hungry, preferring to have his stomach cramp than his joints. He regrets that now, losing a bunch of weight but never gaining muscle, and leaving some stubborn fat. He should’ve worked out. 

Kokichi is still a picky eater. He won’t eat things if they’re not cooked the way he prefers, he doesn’t eat them if they look off in color or shape, if they taste even slightly different than how he likes them, or if it simply was deemed not worth it. He liked this part of himself. It felt like control. 

At some point, it became less about his weight and more about the food. Of course, the weight loss and the new body, the stares and the praises from others, were nice and all. But they fizzled; it was normal for him to be thin now. Nobody cared anymore. He didn’t have much going on, no social life, and was very bored. At least he could have a routine. He could plan out how he ate to fill the time, calculate what’s in each thing, how much he could eat that day, and all that. He could focus on the number he was. He could control that. 

That was all he was. A number. 

If that number rose, he grew agitated. If it lowered, he was in a good mood for the day. He cared less about his appearance now; who did he have to impress? But the number was so important to him. He liked it even more when the number was even and when it ended in a 6 or an 8. If it ended in a 7 or a 9, he didn’t like that. It made him feel off. 

As he got thinner, some people got worried. His mother questioned him one day, but dropped it when Kokichi insisted it was just because he switched his diet. She was always thin herself naturally, so it wasn’t a shock that he was. Kaito still worries, but Kokichi doesn’t know if he truly understands the concept of what Kokichi is doing. 

He still ate. He ate to keep up appearances. He ate to enjoy himself on holidays. He ate to keep himself alive, even if it was barely. He hated having to eat. He hated making decisions about what to eat, but if someone decided for him, he became angry. He hated that he ever had excess fat on him, but he hated that he lost so much weight. Sometimes he thought of himself as too thin, but he could never be too thin. He could always be skinnier. That’s what everyone liked, right? What did they see when they saw him? Does he care about that?

Deep down, Kokichi wants to get better. He missed real sugar. He missed not being hungry. He missed eating without guilt. He enjoyed the worried comments, but they made him feel guilty. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. If he tried to get better, it hurt him; if he didn’t, he’d die. 

He strives to find a happy medium between starving and healthy. 

All this leads to now. Leads to Kokichi in the kitchen at midnight. Leads to Kokichi wearing headphones and mixing a bowl of furikake and rice. He loved rice. It was versatile. 

He usually doesn't eat it, but he’s trying to be better. It was a small bowl. 

Down the hall, Kaito’s room was quiet. He didn’t stir. He slept soundly. The body next to him didn’t. 

It’s surprising how fast Kaito could fall asleep. Shuichi learned this the first time they had a sleepover. Shuichi isn’t like his friend; instead, he scrolls on his phone. There’s not much to him that’s interesting, but he scrolls anyway. His eyes are tired, but he can’t seem to sleep at all. The screen suddenly dims. Frantically, he looks around the room for a charger, but the only charger is connected to Kaito’s phone. He wasn’t going to disconnect his phone. 

He decides to scroll until it dies, and very quickly, the screen shuts off, and the battery symbol pops up. He looks over at his friend next to him with a sigh. Placing his phone on the end table, he decides it’s time for him to attempt to sleep once again. 

And attempt he did, but failed as he did so. He tossed and turned until he couldn’t anymore until his mind was just too annoyed to keep trying. You’d think he’d pass out by now, but he couldn’t seem to. 

His throat is dry. He stands up out of bed slowly and grabs his phone, making sure not to wake Kaito as he exits the room. His friend was a heavy sleeper, but he was still paranoid. He tiptoes down the hall not to wake anyone in the house. Not expecting anyone to be awake, he was a little shocked when he noticed a figure moving about the kitchen island. 

Kokichi had big chunky white headphones on. He twirled and danced about the kitchen. An empty bowl on the counter, he grabs it and rinses it in the sink. He doesn’t wash it. He leaves it in the sink. 

It was strange seeing Kokichi in his element. He looked so different. The same tired eyes, but he had life back in him, even for a moment. It was refreshing. It felt normal. It felt good to see him like this. Shuichi was almost paralyzed. 

He hadn’t noticed Shuichi had entered yet, and Shuichi debated turning back around and pretending he had never seen this. 

That debate ended quickly when Kokichi turned around, gasping as he knocked the headphones off his head sharply. They crash onto the floor. Kokichi curses to himself. 

“I’m sorry!” Shuichi is quick, his eyebrows furrowing in guilt, “I—I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

Kokichi placed a hand to his chest, “Yeah, well you—  fucking did!” His breath was fast, and his body shook with shock. His hands trembled as he picked up his headphones, grabbed the phone from his pocket, and turned off the music that was leaking from the device. He didn’t realize how loud it was before. 

“Are you always in people's houses uninvited? Or just mine?” Kokichi asked, crossing his arms. 

Shuichi breathed out shakily, “Just yours. I was invited, though. Kaito and I are having a sleepover.”

“A sleepover? What are you? Preteen girls?” He scowls. He hops onto the counter behind him, dangling his legs against the cabinets. Shuichi didn’t take offense to this. He knew Kokichi was bitter about being caught in an embarrassing moment. 

“I’ll be out of your hair in a minute. I just needed some water.” Shuichi helps himself, beelining to the fridge next to Kokichi. 

“Sure, take my water from my fridge in my house after scaring me half to death, again.” He recalls the other day when Shuichi was silent on the couch before he entered. 

“I don’t think you pay for any of this.” Shuichi reminds him. Lack of sleep makes him more snippy and less thoughtful of his actions. 

Kokichi stares, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Shuichi. The past few days after the party, Kokichi had been staring at Shuichi whenever he came over. It made Shuichi uncomfortable. He had a few awkward moments with Kokichi since then, for some reason, the air between them felt more awkward than before. It always had been, but now it was even worse. 

“Did I do something?” Shuichi asks, holding a cold bottle of water in his hands. He closes the fridge swiftly. He takes a step back to lean on the island across from Kokichi, who stares at him from the countertop. 

“Huh?” Kokichi cocked his head to the side. 

“To you. You’ve been staring at me.” He stated blankly. Shuichi’s been more direct as the years pass; Kaito’s taught him that. Although he still struggles, his inhibitions are lowered when he’s tired. 

“Staring? I don’t stare.” Kokichi said. Shuichi couldn’t read the emotion on his face. He didn’t seem to be lying, but he definitely has been staring. 

“I feel like there’s some… tension or something between us. I feel like you’re mad at me.” Shuichi confesses. 

Kokichi shrugged, “I’m not mad.” 

“Then why—”

“You made me curious.” 

“Huh—? What about?” Shuichi opened his water bottle as Kokichi looked away in thought. The cold liquid coats his throat as he takes a big sip. 

“At the party.” Kokichi hums, looking to the floor, his face away from Shuichi, “You kissed Rantaro.”

The back of Shuichi’s neck grows hot. The embarrassing memory replays in his mind. 

“So?”

“Did you want to?” Kokichi looks up at him, “I mean, do you even like Rantaro? Or boys, for that matter?” His speech is fast like he’s ashamed. 

He asked so suddenly that Shuichi felt his heart drop. How could he ask a question like that so casually?

“You kiss a friend without a care, I feel like I can ask such a question,” Kokichi said. I didn’t say anything out loud, did I?

“Did I—?”

“No, I could read it on your face.” Kokichi chuckles, “I was just curious about how you could be so casual about it.” 

Shuichi had forgotten how well Kokichi could read people, could read him. Still, that question was strange coming from Kokichi, even if he was curious. Why does he care? 

Shuichi shrugs, “It’s because I didn’t want to.” 

Kokichi narrowed his eyes, clearly trying to reason in his brain what that meant. Shuichi decides to explain. 

“I have no interest in Rantaro. I just felt like I had to; it felt wrong to reject him in front of everyone. Especially when he was trying to save you. I figured it was better to comply than to fight it. I didn’t want Miu to keep bothering you either.” He looks away, suddenly embarrassed at his explanation. 

Kokichi stares at him again. A different feeling between the two. Still tense, but it felt warmer, more intimate. 

“Thanks.” Kokichi continues to stare. Shuichi keeps his eyes away. “Don’t make yourself uncomfortable for me, though. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable for anyone.” 

“It wasn’t that bad.” Shuichi was shocked by Kokichi’s genuine response. It seemed wrong to hear such words from him. He felt guilty for hearing them. 

Kokichi shook his head, “I mean Rantaro is a looker, very attractive, but… Still, you don’t have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position for me.” 

Shuichi looked back at Kokichi for a moment. He caught his eye, and there was guilt there. Kokichi felt guilty. Shuichi felt guilty for making Kokichi feel that way. 

“It wasn’t a big deal,” He assured again, “But I won’t.”

“Pinky promise?” Kokichi extends his small finger. Shuichi felt the strings of his heart pull at the innocent gesture. Kokichi was still in there, just suppressed deep. 

They linked pinkies. They held it there for longer than necessary. Kokichi’s grip was tight. 

There was something there. Something Kokichi couldn’t describe. Something that made him forget. He didn’t think about numbers, or his meal tomorrow, or the walk he had to take, or the bowl in the sink. All he could focus on was Shuichi’s eyes. He didn’t realize how long Shuichi took to reply until he finally did. 

“Pinky promise.”

Kokichi released their fingers. 

Chapter Text

Kokichi stood right on the yellow line.

Looking down at the train tracks, he lets his mind wander. He thinks about the bowl of rice he ate last night, the absence of food he had this morning, his brother and his friends behind him… Shuichi behind him. 

He wondered how he looked to them. His baggy clothes hung off him. The sweater he wore was two sizes too big, an old one from less than a year ago. His pants, held up by a belt he had to pierce more holes in, still lay over his shoes, and occasionally he’d trip on the fabric. That was due to his unfortunate height. 

The clothes must make him look bigger than he is, he’s convinced, but he wouldn’t wear anything else. If he showed off his actual frame, he’d be more ashamed. Then they’d really know what he looked like. 

He sighed. He doesn’t care what they think. 

Hair blows in Kokichi’s eyes as the train whizzes by, slowing to a stop. The door appears in front of him as he raises his head, whipping his bangs out of his sight. A chill creeps into his body as he strolls into the train cart and finds a seat. He quiets his mind by focusing on the loudspeaker’s voice. 

The conversation between Shuichi and Kaito comes to a brief halt as they follow close behind Kokichi. It was polite to be quiet on the train, but their conversation picked up again swiftly as they discovered there were only a few other teens and young adults in the carriage. They still kept it hush. 

Kokichi wondered why he was here. He knew he was invited by Shuichi, not even his brother. But, why…?

“You should join us,” Shuichi says, looking in the direction of Kokichi but never at him. 

“Huh?” Kokichi blinked. 

“For dinner. If you’d like.” 

It was clear that Kaito didn’t enjoy his idea, but he didn’t protest; he just groaned. He must’ve known Shuichi was only trying to help. 

What Kokichi didn’t understand more was why he actually accepted. Something nobody thought would happen once the question left Shuichi’s lips. Kaito knew Kokichi never liked plans, never liked food-related plans. He wasn’t sure why. He thinks he remembers his brother explaining that his stomach was easily bitter. The family wasn’t around each other enough to ever eat out together, regardless.

Kokichi scooted away from Shuichi next to him, not wanting to take up his space. Kokichi didn’t take up much of his seat. Shuichi shuffled closer to Kaito beside him, thinking Kokichi was uncomfortable. Soon, Kokichi noticed Shuichi was quiet, and Kaito had moved to having a conversation with Maki. 

“They’re so gross.” Kokichi slumps back, crossing his arms. Shuichi snapped his head towards the sudden voice. Kokichi is back in Shuichi’s space as he spreads his legs. 

“I don’t think so,” Shuichi says, looking down at the floor after flinching because of the near contact. 

“Are you the romantic type, Shuichi?” Kokichi questions. 

Shuichi plays with the fabric of his pants, “Not particularly,” He sighs, “I just don’t think there’s anything gross about it. They remind me of a romance novel.” 

Kokichi perks up, raising an eyebrow, “You read those kinds of books?” 

For whatever reason, this flustered Shuichi, “Ah! N— No, not usually, I just—”

“You’re right, though,” Kokichi huffs, “They won’t even confess to each other, so this must be a slow burn.” Kokichi snickers to himself. “How boring.” 

“Give them time,” Shuichi whispers, though the couple was too engrossed in their own conversation to notice. “Kaito will do so soon.”

“Yeah, and probably in a real cliche way. Like under a cherry blossom tree or something stupid like that.” Kokichi sounded resentful. Shuichi tried to guess why. Shouldn’t he be happy for his brother, or at least more supportive? 

“What’s wrong with that? Wouldn’t you like that?” Shuichi asked, wanting to know more of Kokichi’s thought process. Kokichi freezes, his face unable to hide the red color creeping onto his cheeks. Shuichi goes to apologize for the sudden personal question—

“Why? Do you want to confess to me, Shuichi?” Kokichi’s recovery is fast. 

“That’s not—!” 

The train comes to a stop. Kaito stands up quickly, ushering the group out of the train car. 

“We’re so late, aren’t we?” Kaito asked, suddenly panicked. 

“Not too late,” Maki assured, looking at the numbers on her phone. Kaito’s pace quickened, leaving the group in the dust. Kokichi huffed, picking up his own pace but not straying from the other two. 

They followed Kaito down a few blocks and onto a main street. People litter the area, congregating for dinner and the beginning of late-night clubbing. Some people were headed toward the train station with bags in their hands and lighter wallets. The group weaved through others until Kaito came to a stop. 

Shuichi took a look at the grouping in front of him. This was going to be a lot more people than he originally thought.

“Hey, guys!” A feminine voice calls to them. Kaede stands out in a crowd of other teenagers, wearing a cute frilly skirt with a pink shirt. She’s waving, a hand raised high in the air, and a bright smile on her face. Shuichi smiles, instantly feeling a little less overwhelmed. 

Kaede and Shuichi got along well. Truthfully, Kaede got along great with anyone. She was optimistic, kind, and sweet. An extraordinary girl. They were close, close enough that many people were convinced they were a couple. Shuichi never liked Kaede like that, even though Kaito tells him he is. Most adults in Shuichi’s life assumed the same. 

“We’re just waiting on Rantaro and Kiyo now,” Kaede told the group. 

Kiibo stood by her, with Miu at his side. Kiibo spotted Kokichi immediately, his friendly smile dropping. Shuichi found this bizarre. Kiibo has never worn such a distressed face looking at Kokichi before. Sure, Kokichi bothered Kiibo, but never enough to elicit such a worrysome face. Kokichi winces. Kiibo adverts his eyes, realizing his face was giving him away. 

“You little shit stain!” Miu beams, none the wiser to the tension, “I didn’t know you were coming.” 

“Kaito said he’d pay for my meal.” Kokichi shrugs. 

“I did not!” Kaito fights.

Kiibo faces Kokichi again, with the same face and emotion, but with a more subdued tone. Kokichi braces to be yelled at as Kiibo opens his mouth. 

“It’s nice to see you, Kokichi.” He says. Kokichi’s tense shoulders drop, and a smile spreads across his cheeks. 

“Keebs! My so very intelligent, beautiful, robot best friend,” Kokichi reaches out, grabbing a hold of Kiibo by wrapping his arms around his neck. Kiibo stiffened, not moving a muscle at the instant contact.

Shuichi didn’t like watching this interaction. He looked away.

“How’s the program?” Kokichi questioned Kiibo, backing away from him. 

“Good,” Kiibo smiles genuinely, “It’s been good to get some experience before seeking higher education in the fall!” 

“We get a lot of free shit at the lab!” Miu butts in with a confession, “They throw away scraps all the fucking time, so I take 'em!” 

“Only you would stoop so low to become a thief.” Kokichi insults.

“It’s trash…” Kiibo reassures, waving a hand.

“Ew, even worse.” Kokichi scowls. “Is that why you smell that way?”

・・・・・

It isn’t long before everyone is together and seated in a restaurant on the same street they occupied before. 

Kokichi took the seat beside Shuichi. 

Shuichi was unnerved about this. Why didn’t he sit next to Kiibo, or Miu, or even Kaito? He sat all the way on the end, pushing Shuichi down to get the outside seat. It was almost as if he were hiding.

Shuichi didn’t verbally question it. 

Eyes from across the table linger towards them. For a moment, Shuichi assumes Kiibo is trying to get his attention, but when he looks in his direction, Kiibo is staring past him. Shuichi is invisible to the future roboticist. Kokichi is the object of his attention, who is painfully aware of the stare but pretends he isn’t. He stares at his menu. 

This makes Shuichi’s throat tighten.

Kaede lets out an exaggerated sigh, “I don’t know what to get… Everything sounds so good!” She sings. Shuichi hums in agreement from beside her.

“That’s because you came here starving.” Miu scolds, unlike her, “I could hear your stomach begging and moaning the whole train ride over.” 

Kaede flushes red, “You’re one to talk! You told me you skipped breakfast and lunch today!” 

Kokichi flinches. 

“I was fucking busy!” Miu retorts. The girls go back and forth scolding each other's bad habits. 

Rantaro shrugs, taking a sip of water before interjecting, “Sometimes food tastes better when you haven’t eaten all day.” 

Kokichi was over this conversation, but it was the first one he had given his full attention to. I haven’t eaten all day either. None of you are that special. Try going for almost 2 days and then tell me how you feel. 

Kokichi picks at his food when it arrives. Most are halfway down with their meals when he finally raises a piece of meat to his lips with his chopsticks. It glides into his mouth so effortlessly, he could feel the oil and calories coating his mouth all the way down his throat and into his stomach. 

It was disgusting. It was delicious, almost irresistible. 

Kokichi was better than that, though. He had the discipline to finish only half the plate, eating most of the vegetables that came as a side. He was better than Kaede, who inhaled half her plate in mere minutes. Better than Miu, who pretended like she couldn’t eat the large portion size, but ate while distracted and finished most of it. Better than Korekiyo, who ordered something lighter, claiming he had a big lunch today. Better than Rantaro, who didn’t care too much for his meal as he did for the company of his friends. 

Better than Maki, who never ate much. Better than Kaito, who was blessed with better genes and a fast metabolism. 

Better than Shuichi, who could eat normally. 

Kokichi’s stomach felt sore. He wiped his mouth with a napkin.

He had finished his plate. 

・・・・・

“Kiibo?” Shuichi grabs the other’s attention. 

The group has dispersed. Kiibo and Shuichi happened to live in the same direction. They often ended up alone on the path home, both living the farthest away from everyone else. 

“Hm?” Kiibo shakes his head, regaining awareness, “Sorry.” 

Shuichi sighs, “No need. Are you alright?” He slows down.

Kiibo halts. Shuichi stops a few feet ahead of him. 

“You’re not that close with Kokichi, right?” 

Shuichi pondered for a moment. He wasn’t sure what to call his relationship with Kokichi. They grew up together, played together, but only because that was his best friend’s brother. Kokichi didn’t share any secrets with him, didn’t hang out with him unless he had to. They only ended up alone by chance, but he couldn’t say they weren’t friends. He felt closer than strangers, closer than acquaintances. 

“It’s complicated,” Shuichi replied. 

“Complicated?” Kiibo questions, but drops it in favor of his own thoughts, “Doesn’t matter too much… you’re observant enough.” 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Have you noticed anything weird about Kokichi?” 

Yes. Shuichi’s first thought: It’s hard not to. He’s not himself. 

“So you’ve noticed it too,” Kiibo says, his expression must’ve said it all. Shuichi is expressive in the face, which is why in high school he kept his face obscured by ‘that stupid’ hat. “Can I ask another question? I don’t want this to get back to him. I’m not even sure I want to ask you, I’m just not sure who else to ask. I can’t really ask anyone else.” 

“I won’t tell.” Shuichi reassures, “Kokichi and I don’t talk like that.” He confirms their relationship is not personal. 

“Kokichi’s gotten thinner.” It wasn’t a question: “I didn’t say anything before, since he still looked healthy.” Kiibo shuffles, playing with his fingers. “He looks sick. I’m worried for him. He feels fragile; he used to weigh me down, now I feel like I’m the one about to hurt him when he jumps me.” 

Shuichi felt too uncomfortable to comment. Sure, Kokichi got skinnier; he lost weight, so what? Was that really cause for concern? Shuichi lost weight himself as he got taller, and started going to the gym with Kaito. Well, he did gain weight back in the form of muscle… and Kokichi never grew taller. 

“I guess I’m asking if you think I should be worried,” Kiibo asked, now looking at Shuichi to read his expression.

“I–” Shuichi was at a loss for words. Kokichi ate tonight. He finished a whole plate of food. He was cleaning a used rice bowl last night. He ate breakfast– No, Shuichi recalls, He didn’t. He just stood there. Shuichi tries to recall other times Kokichi ate in front of him. He can’t remember, but that doesn’t mean anything. He wasn’t paying close attention. Kokichi never wanted to work out with Kaito either, saying getting in shape was a waste of time. 

“Maybe.” Shuichi decides on an answer, “Maybe not about that… but I definitely think there’s something different.” 

“I think he’s depressed,” Kiibo says, biting a nail.

“I think you should talk to him.” Shuichi says before Kiibo can nervously ramble more, “I’m not sure if he’d like you talking about him so personally to me.” 

Kiibo is caught off guard by the sudden change in Shuichi’s tone. He sounded too stern, too serious. 

“You’re right.” Kiibo takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry for bothering you with this.”

Chapter Text

Kokichi is up a few pounds. 

He hasn’t been able to stop eating since the other night. After dinner, he came home and ate three granola bars, half a bag of chips, and some ice cream before feeling like he was going to vomit. He didn’t want to stop. He was still so hungry. 

He bites his broken nails, scrolling forums on his phone. He claimed to himself that he never cared about those ‘sharing tips, staying thin’ blogs, but every once in a while, he found his way back, craving validation. To be seen.

It’s been three days. He hasn’t counted a single thing. He has no idea what’s in his body right now; his stomach ached from sugar and grease. Sitting on the cold tile floor, he puts his phone down. Those pitiful people didn’t need to hear from him. He didn’t want to hear from them either. They’d hate him. 

Before he could even think, he was up again, making a beeline to the fridge. As he opened it, he couldn’t find himself attracted to anything inside. He’s exhausted it all.

The cold leftover grilled chicken, the red apple on the counter, the cereal in the pantry, the low-fat milk, the fizzy sugar-free sodas, the finger-staining chips, the salt-filled instant noodles, and yes, even the rice… What hasn’t he eaten? Nothing was satisfying. 

He shuts the fridge. He grabs his wallet and leaves through the front door.

・・・・・

Fuck it. 

They’re all mad at him, disgusted with him. 

He steps on all the sidewalk cracks. He deserves the bad karma. 

Kokichi is filthy, disgusting, and deserves to die. 

He’s gained weight and yet here he is, in front of a convenience store. There’s food at home, and yet he’s here. People are starving out in the world, unable to choose that fate, and he’s here. So greedy, so selfish. They’d scold him. They’d shame him. They’d want him to suffer.

For a brief moment, he turns around, about to return home, but free will drags him inside with the sound of the door chime. The cashier smiles at him. Great, she won’t be smiling at me long when she realizes what I’m here for.

Kokichi can’t even process walking through the aisles before a basket in his hand is filled with junk. 

Chocolate chip cookies, instant noodles (One spicy, one mild), three flavors of ice cream, a bag of chips, and onigiri (tuna-filled). Before he can reach for another snack, his hand reels back at the sound of his name being called. 

“Kokichi?” 

His face flushes red, and he feels angry. He doesn’t know why; it’s just irritating to be interrupted. He turns his attention. 

Shuichi stands down the aisle from him, wearing a look of disbelief. 

“It’s super late, what are you doing here?” He questions. 

Kokichi shrugs, “What are you doing here?” He throws back. 

Shuichi gulps, “I forgot to eat dinner… My uncle didn’t get groceries either.” 

Yeah, of course you forgot. Guess what? I didn’t. Fuck you, Shuichi. 

Kokichi wants to run when he looks down at the basket in his hands. Embarrassment courses through his veins.

But Shuichi just smiles, “You too?” 

Kokichi doesn’t respond. 

He reaches past Kokichi to grab instant noodles; the silence between them is deafening. Kokichi can’t take it anymore. He storms off towards the cashier. He wasn’t done, but he could always come back when Shuichi wasn’t there to bother him. 

The cashier starts to ring him up, the smile dropping from her face, but she remains polite. Her eyes drooped, tired from the late-night shift. She gets off in half an hour. She won’t even remember Kokichi. 

Kokichi reached a hand into his back pocket, but his wallet wasn’t there. His heart drops. He checks the other one. 

Shit. 

Everything begins to overwhelm him. The lights are too bright, his clothes are too small, his stomach is bloated, and his jaw aches. Shuichi was staring at him; the cashier was staring too, he was sure of it. Nausea overtakes him as his throat closes. The cashier slows down, noticing Kokichi’s pause. 

“Is something wrong?” She asks. 

Kokichi doesn’t respond. He takes a step back, contemplates, then rushes out the door. The cashier is left with his pile of food and confusion. He can’t be seen. He strides down the pavement, not too far from the store. He swore he grabbed his wallet. He remembered it, but where was it? 

His stomach rumbles. His eyes well up with tears. He froze, two feet on a crack in the sidewalk. 

“Kokichi!” Shuichi calls his name again, “Are you alright?” In his hand was his plastic shopping bag. Kokichi didn’t respond right away, trying to push the tears in his eyes away. 

“Hey–”

“Yeah.” He sniffles, cursing himself, “I just forgot my wallet.” 

“Ah…” Shuichi sighs. He pauses before digging through the plastic bag, “Here.” He extends a hand. 

Kokichi raises his head a little, still shielding his eyes. In his hand is a triangle-shaped rice ball. 

“I saw these in your basket.” Shuichi smiles, “I thought I’d try them, but you should take it.” 

Without much thought, Kokichi accepts it, his mouth agape. A part of him wants to yell at Shuichi, How dare he insult him like this? A part of him wanted to cry into his arms. A part of him just wanted to run from it all.

“Uh– I should get home.” Shuichi clears his throat. How long had they been there in silence?

“Thank you.” That was what Kokichi wanted to say, but he kept his mouth shut as Shuichi walked away from him and towards the way home. 

Kokichi held the onigiri in his hand until it turned warm. He stood there for way longer than he should’ve. The cashier had left, being replaced by an equally tired man. 

The embarrassment and the shame ate at him. His inability to lie lately was ruining his confidence. His brain fog and dizziness caused him to spiral, unable to keep his cool as he once did. He felt sick. He felt disgusting. 

Shuichi must hate him, but why would he buy him food if he hated him? He’s just a nice guy. He actually thinks Kokichi is filthy and a sinner. He knows how much Kokichi eats and judges him for it; the rice ball was a test on whether he would take such handouts. It was a test of discipline, and Kokichi failed. 

Fingers wrap tightly around the rice ball, rice and tuna seeping through the cracks in the plastic wrapping. It dirties his hands, chunks falling to the pavement. What was left was then thrown to the ground into a pile. He cursed himself for wasting food.

Kokichi walked home, his stomach begging him to turn around and eat from the ground like the low-level trash he is.