Chapter Text
Suzie sighs, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. She stares into her bedroom mirror, smudged with fingerprints and a faint trail of dust, overanalyzing every little detail of her appearance. She criticizes her outfit, her makeup, her hair—her everything, really. Soon, she’ll have to meet up with her friends to celebrate the week long break from classes after the horror that is midterms. Soon, she’ll try her absolute best to be good enough for them, and fail miserably.
It started small. Little quips from Lexi or Sam saying that Suzie was overconfident at times. No big deal; she had dealt with plenty of teasing in her life before. If she could handle the schoolyard bullies calling her names, she could handle her friends trying to joke around with her. She could handle the occasional comment about how her fashion wasn’t on par with her friends’, or about how she could come off as condescending when it came to Broadway shows.
Then, it escalated. Passing comments about how her personal style was straight out of the twenties (which, it was, but the disdain in her friends’ voices when they said it suddenly made it not feel like a compliment), or how her makeup aged her forty years, or even about how her hair was too short and curly for the makeup she did and the clothing she wore.
Little by little, it started feeling…personal. She knew it wasn’t—her friends were just trying to banter with her! Suzie could take it; she even would make snarky comments back in return! Her jokes never bothered anyone, they knew she was simply messing around. Suzie was fine.
And then she started thinking. She wondered why she was so bothered, why her chest tightened with every passing comment. Part of her started thinking that maybe, it was because they were right. Her comments never got under her friends’ skin, perhaps because they were just jokes. But maybe, just maybe, the jokes were getting to her because they were rooted in truth. Maybe she did dress weird. Maybe her hair was strange, and her makeup was off. Maybe she wasn’t good enough.
Suzie, ever the achiever, saw the problem head-on, and decided she was going to fix it. Tonight, she was going to do something different, even if it killed her (and trust her, she’s decided this is definitely going to be her untimely end).
Instead of her twenties inspired, thrifted clothing, she’s wearing an impulse buy of a faux-leather jacket, some dark jeans, and a mesh long-sleeve with a crop top beneath it. It feels…weird. It’s the right size, and the materials aren’t bad. They aren’t too scratchy or too soft or anything like that; something about them just doesn't fit, however. Her makeup is less vintage; while it’s still most definitely in her style, it’s not exactly what she’s used to doing. Suzie knows it looks pretty, knows that her friends will likely enjoy it much, much more than what she usually wears. She suppresses a sigh at the thought. She’s been growing her hair out for months , making sure that she’s been dying it often enough so that the bright red color doesn’t fade. It’s gotten quite long, and while it doesn’t feel…. bad , per say, it doesn’t feel good either. It doesn’t feel like her.
Suzie stares directly into the mirror, biting at her nails as her eyes flit over her body. None of this feels right, but, clearly, what she feels is right is even more wrong. She’s about to wipe her face of the makeup, to strip of her clothing and cancel on her friends, when—
“Suzie! Get out of your cave and into the uber! We’re late !”
Suzie takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes inhaling for four, then exhaling for four, and smiles at herself in the mirror. She can do this. She can be interesting and funny. Suzie puffs her chest out slightly, and swings the door open. She finds Lydia and Kori waiting on her, Lydia scrolling aimlessly through what appears to be Instagram. Kori makes direct eye contact with Suzie, raises her eyebrows, and lets out a low whistle. Suzie immediately realizes that there’s no going back.
“Okay, Suzie!” Kori drawls, and Lydia looks up curiously. Her eyes widen and a small grin comes to her face. Suzie does her best to stand tall.
“Oh, shit! You look good, Suze!” Lydia says, and while the way she says it hurts Suzie’s pride—as if she doesn’t usually look good—she chooses to ignore it. She sends a shy smile their way.
“I’m– I’m trying something different,” she self-consciously mutters, “Ready to go?”
“Hell yeah!” Kori shouts, her arm snaking around Lydia’s waist. Lydia leans into her touch, her smile never wavering as she continues to look Suzie up and down. Suzie swallows down the anxiety that’s been creeping up inside of her, and the couple leads the way out of the apartment.
The car ride to the club is nothing to write home about—Kori and Lydia are disgustingly coupley, and Suzie pretends to be much more annoyed about it than she actually is. There’s a few jokes thrown around about how single Suzie is, and she laughs; mentally, however, she makes a note of making sure to find someone who can tolerate her enough to put a stop to these jokes.
They exit the uber, Suzie wishing the driver a good night (which, in return, the driver speeds off as quickly as possible. Rude! ), and follows Lydia and Kori into the stuffy, cramped lesbian bar. It’s only so warm due to the sheer amount of people inside of it—their entire friend group plus a few other of the local campus lesbians.
She smiles when she sees a small group of some of her friends at the bar, and waves. Immediately, she’s swarmed by them; they all make similar comments about how wonderful she looks and how fitting this is for her, She smiles and laughs in return.
This was going to be a long night.
—
Jewels tentatively sips at her drink—an overly fruity, sugary concoction that tastes like the embodiment of a sequin—while swaying along to the music playing. She arrived at the bar with a few of her friends, the large group splitting up and occasionally meeting back together. Some occupied the bar, while others (herself included) spent their time on the dancefloor. She dances with Arrietty and Acacia, laughing along to whatever they’re playfully bickering about now. Jewels is brought out from their conversation when she hears a commotion closer to the bar.
She finds Lexi, Lana, and Sam fawning over a slightly embarrassed looking Suzie; Jewels’ own eyes flit back and forth over the red-head. She’s wearing something completely different from what she usually wears—and not in the way that Lana says when she does anything slightly different from normal. Suzie shifts her weight back and forth from foot-to-foot, rubbing at her arm self-consciously.
One of the first thoughts to grace Jewels’ mind is, “ holy shit ,” while the next thought is curiosity at what could have made her want to try out this new look. Her makeup is softer, her clothes are more revealing…she looks great, sure, but Jewels can’t help but wonder what happened to her thrifted skirts and crochet beanies.
Arrietty notices her staring first, eyes shooting over to where Suzie stands. A smirk plays onto her lips, as she leads Acacia and Jewels over to the bar. On their way there, there’s a mischievous glint in Arri’s eye—one that worries Jewels an incredible amount. The three greet Suzie (who must have gotten here with Kori and Lydia, but, as per usual, the two are most likely off making out in a dark corner), and Arrietty is the first to make a comment on her new look.
“Damn, Suzie!” Arrietty exclaims, “You actually look hot. And, like, normal hot—not a twenties housewife’s wet dream hot.”
It seems normal at first. Suzie laughs, firing back a snarky remark of her own. But it’s…off. Suzie’s eyes don’t crinkle like they usually do when she enjoys a joke. Her smile is thin, and looks incredibly forced. The most concerning part? Suzie tenses, shrinking back into her outfit as she rolls her eyes playfully. Suzie flinched . Jewels blinks, looking around. No one else seems to have noticed. She would think that she imagined it if it weren’t for Suzie refusing to meet the eyes of anybody.
“Just thought I could try something…different. I don’t know,” she chuckles, but it sounds so flat, and sad, and not Suzie. Lana tells her she looks great. Sam and Lexi agree, making off-hand jokes. With each one, Suzie looks more and more exhausted. It’s strange, and yet, nobody but Jewels seems to see what she’s seeing. She stares intently at Suzie, trying to see if it’ll happen again, but—
“See? Even Jewels can’t keep her eyes off of you; who knew that dressing normally actually makes hot people notice you?” Arrietty calls out, and her friends laugh. Jewels flushes a bit, but when she catches Suzie’s eyes—unreadable yet so, so incredibly pained—she blurts the first thing that comes to mind.
“I always notice Suzie! She looks great all the time.”
Arrietty’s smirk widens, and Jewels realizes that this was her plan all along: to make a joke that had Jewels scrambling to actually flirt with her crush. The other girls tease her a bit, all of them knowing of her true feelings for Suzie, laughing and joking around. All Jewels can focus on is the expression of pure and utter shock on Suzie’s face. She chuckles awkwardly, looking back at Suzie.
The group at the bar sit together, idly chatting as they drink their cocktails. Jewels tries to tune into the conversation, but all she can focus on is the shorter girl swirling her drink with a little paper umbrella.
Suzie really seems like she wants to say…something. Jewels can’t read her expression, so she has no clue what it could be. The red-head opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, occasionally looking at the taller girl but mostly staring attentively at the floor. When she finally seems to decide on something to say, Kori rushes in and pulls her to the dance floor.
They lock eyes before she disappears into the crowd. Jewels sends her a reassuring smile, hoping to get across that she’ll be there to talk any time Suzie wants. Suzie smiles back; it thankfully looks much less forced than the one from before.
She watches as Suzie makes it to the dance floor, twirling and laughing with Kori and Lydia. On the surface it looks fine, but she can’t shake the feeling of worry at the way Suzie seems to be performing. Jewels sips her drink again, but it suddenly tastes bitter and sour, mixing awfully with the ever-growing concern swirling around in her gut.
—
The next morning is hell on earth. Suzie is incredibly hungover, her head thrumming uncomfortably against her skull as she tries to be a functioning human being. She has a tap dance she’s the teacher’s assistant for—an extra credit assignment that she knows will give her an easy boost in points—and she briefly considers cancelling and giving off the impression of being flaky. Suzie hadn’t intended to get as drunk as she did last night; she simply took a shot after every passing comment about how much better than usual she looked to drown her sorrows. Turns out, that was a shitty idea, if her headache was anything to go by.
She throws on some of her casual clothes—a thrifted jacket and skirt, an old tap-dance camp tee, and a beanie she crocheted herself. Pulling her hair into a simple bun, she puts on light makeup, grabs her tap shoes, and heads out of her room. She’s met in the kitchen by Lydia downing some coffee with a scowl on her face, and Kori stretching her arms above her head in a similarly miserable fashion. Kori groans when she sees Suzie.
“No,” Kori whines, elongating the ‘o’ sound, “You looked so hot yesterday!”
Suzie’s heart squeezes, and she feels the urge to cry. She knows Kori’s just messing with her; it’s written all over her face. She’s chuckling lightly, and there’s a dumb grin painting her features. Still, Suzie huffs, rolling her eyes.
“I always look hot,” she mumbles, earning a laugh from her friends. Ouch.
“Hey, don’t forget that we have brunch after your class—Jewels said she’d pick you up!” Lydia calls, to which Suzie gives her a thumbs up. She walks out the door, and starts her trek to the dance studio. It’s not awfully far from her apartment, so she doesn’t mind walking. It just gives her more time to wallow in her thoughts.
Thoughts about how she isn’t good enough for her friends—about how no amount of effort will ever be enough to make her both comfortable and likeable. She thinks about every single comment that one of her friends made last night, thinks about the barely masked disdain in Kori’s voice when she noticed Suzie dressing how she usually did. She thinks about how she isn’t good enough, and how she likely never will be.
…maybe wallowing in her thoughts wasn’t a good idea. She throws her earbuds in, blasting some music to try and distract herself. It only kind of works.
The class goes by painfully slow. With every misstep comes the feeling of inadequacy, and the thoughts of comments by her friends. Little snide remarks, about how she’s too confident, or dresses too old-fashioned, or takes up such an obscure hobby that she can’t even do right. She’s too flashy, too sloppy, too much.
By the time the class is over, she’s fully on the verge of tears. People keep staring at her, likely concerned, but she can’t help but feel like they’re judging her. She rushes to the bathroom as soon as the class is dismissed, and does her best to calm herself (which goes so terribly, it’s almost laughable). She collapses to the floor near the sinks, tears starting to fall. She curses under her breath when the bathroom door creaks open—she had forgotten to lock it.
“Suzie?” Jewels calls, and Suzie is sure the universe hates her. “Are you sick? Everyone said you rushed in here after the class was over. Hangover beating your ass too?” Jewels chuckles, but there’s worry laced in her tone.
Then, she sees her, and her eyes widen. Suzie bites her lip and avoids eye contact like the plague, hoping desperately that she can talk her way out of this one.
—
Jewels arrives at the dance studio near the apartment of Kori, Lydia, and, most importantly, Suzie, to pick up the aforementioned girl and bring her to brunch with their friends. She walks in, and immediately feels that something is off. Suzie is nowhere to be found, and a bunch of the students are muttering to one another in what seems like concern.
“Hey,” she calls to a few of the students, “Have– have you seen Suzie? She was supposed to be the T.A. for this class, and I’m picking her up,” she trails off. The students share a look, before wordlessly pointing to the bathroom.
Jewels swallows nervously, walking over to the bathroom. She can’t help but feel worried, the awkward mood doing nothing to quell her fears.
“Suzie?” she calls, her voice warbling slightly. She swallows down her anxiety before speaking again. “Are you sick? Everyone said you rushed in here after the class was over. Hangover beating your ass too?”
Her eyes lock onto the smaller girl, and her heart shatters into a million pieces. Suzie is crumpled on the ground, shivering, with tear-stained cheeks and glossy eyes. She avoids looking at Jewels, but it's extremely clear to the taller girl that she’s upset.
“Oh baby ,” Jewels mutters, “Are you– are you okay? What happened?”
Suzie sniffles, wiping hastily at her eyes, almost as if she erases any trace of them, she can avoid this conversation. Jewels doesn’t push—doesn’t pry. Instead, she simply crouches on the ground of the bathroom stall with Suzie, rubbing her thumb over the back of Suzie’s hand.
“Fine,” Suzie croaks, “I– ‘m fine, I swear,” she mutters as she chokes back another sob.
“It’s okay if you aren’t,” Jewels says softly, cupping Suzie’s cheek and making her look at her; Suzie still won’t meet her gaze, however. “It’s okay.”
Suzie crumbles, leaning into Jewels’ touch and letting a few tears slide down her rosy cheeks. They stay like that for a while, cuddled on the floor of a random bathroom that's probably crawling in germs and getting Jewels’ nice outfit all dirty, but the shel finds it hard to care.
When the tears stop falling, Jewels is fully holding Suzie, the auburn haired girl’s face buried in Jewels’ neck. She swallows hard, fighting back tears of her own. Hearing Suzie cry feels…wrong. So very wrong. Jewels hates hearing Suzie upset, hates that something made her feel this way, and most of all, she hates that she didn’t notice sooner.
“Can I drive you home? Or– well, my home? I– I don’t think you should be alone right now, and Sam isn’t gonna be there tonight, so you don’t have to worry about her bothering you.”
Suzie blinks, asking, “What about– what about brunch?”
Jewels simply waves off the idea, a hand rubbing soothing circles into Suzie’s back.
“I’m pretty sure they won’t care.”
Suzie nods miserably, allowing herself to be pulled up off the ground with Jewels. Her makeup is all runny and tear-stained, but she currently looks like that’s the least of her problems. She lets Jewels grab her by the hand; before they exit the bathroom, Jewels grabs a makeup wipe from her purse and offers it to Suzie.
“I– uh, I figured you might want to–”
Jewels is cut off by Suzie snatching the wipe, and cleaning a good amount off of her face—not enough to be completely bare of makeup, but enough so she doesn’t look like she was just hit by a truck emotionally—and throws it in the trash. Jewels watches wordlessly, grabbing Suzie’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze as soon as she’s done.
She leads the shorter girl out of the bathroom, an arm snaking around her waist to keep her upright (which, really, she probably doesn't need at all, but Jewels likes physical touch when she’s feeling down, so maybe Suzie does too). They get a few odd looks from some people they pass by, and Suzie shrinks further and further into Jewels’ side.
When they make it to Jewels’ car—an obnoxiously pink, slightly bedazzled jeep—Jewels opens the passenger side for her friend. Suzie clambers in, her face warm; she seems embarrassed, but Jewels isn’t sure what the reasoning behind the feeling is.
“Do…do you want to play music..?”
Suzie sniffles, her frown never wavering. She nods slowly, and Jewels smiles over at her. She carefully unlocks her phone and hands it to the auburn haired girl. Suzie looks up and down, from the phone and what she’s searched for to Jewels, an unasked question on her lips.
“Play whatever you want, Suze; Anything is on the table—even showtunes!”
Suzie’s lips quirk up for half-a-second, then she’s back to looking like a sad kicked puppy. She hits play on the music, curling up into her seat and listening to the song. Another way Jewels can tell that she’s truly, very upset is that she doesn’t even mouth the lyrics. She just stares off into the distance, her lips downturned and her eyes puffy and red.
They drive in silence, rain starting to sprinkle down; the pitter-patter of the droplets does little to soothe either of them. When they make it to Jewels’ apartment complex, they quickly make their way inside. As soon as she pushes the door open, she feels an intense wave of regret hit her for inviting Suzie over—not because she doesn’t want to be there for her, no, because she hasn’t cleaned in a while. She’s suddenly incredibly self-conscious about how messy everything is. There’s some fabric hanging over the couch, the sewing machine is halfway through a project…her cheeks flush as she guides Suzie inside.
“I promise some of this mess is Sam’s,” she sheepishly grins. Suzie just looks around blankly.
“I live with Kori and Lydia. I’ve seen way worse,” she shrugs, her voice flat, yet her words provide a touch of comfort. Jewels chuckles at that, taking off her shoes and laying them by the door. Suzie does the same, the two walking over to Jewels’ room.
Jewels takes a seat on her bed, patting the space beside her. Suzie sits, carefully, like she’s afraid to take up any space at all. Jewels interlocks their pinkies, smiling reassuringly over at her friend. She doesn’t exactly expect her to start pouring her heart out, but she certainly doesn’t expect Suzie to curl into her side, burying her face into her neck, and whispering, “Can we just lay down for a while?”
“Of– of course!” Jewels stumbles over her words, brain temporarily short-circuiting at the close contact. They lay back against Jewels’ fluffy pillows, pulling the very sloppily folded blanket on the edge of the bed over the two of them. Jewels runs her hands through Suzie’s hair soothingly—the mess of wavy-curls threading perfectly through her fingers.
Suzie begins to drift off, surely having lost a lot of energy from all the crying and emotions she’s been subject to. Jewels’ heart flutters at the small, steady breaths that come from her, tickling the raven haired girl’s neck. She’s starting to get tired herself, too, when…
“Sometimes, I think you’re the only person who likes me,” Suzie says, and falls asleep.
…suddenly, Jewels isn’t very sleepy anymore.