Chapter Text
Monday, August 04, 2025: T-35 days
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
NEEDED: Wedding Date
$50,000
Toys and Games > Pretend Play Toys
Listed 2 minutes ago in Manhattan, NY by jww
Details
Condition: Used - like new
For the last couple of months, I’ve been crafting a fake relationship because my friends were worried that I’m “too lonely.” Unfortunately, two of them are now getting married, and I’m expected to bring my boyfriend to the wedding. I will pay for the entire trip–the only thing I need my fake partner to do is read and memorize an extensive document in which I’ve been recording all of the lies I’ve created.
I’m M28, a lawyer, and will buy you anything you want. Serious inquiries only, please.
↳ gyuki: Man get the fuck off of here this is Facebook Marketplace some of us take this shit seriously
↳ gyuki: Go over to Angie’s List or something
↳ gyuki: Smh my head
↳ jww: Shaking my head my head?
↳ gyuki: Kill yourself
↳ kwan: gyu please
↳ gyuki: Seungkwan you know I don’t play about Facebook Marketplace
↳ gyuki: where you can buy or sell new and used items easily and find great deals on new items
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages
[1] Jackson Wang Hi! I’m a bus driver in the New York area. I saw your p…
[9] Kim Mingyu HOW DARE YOU RUIN THE SANCTITY OF THIS SPA…
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages ➤ Kim Mingyu
Kim Mingyu: This is the guy from the replies of your post
Kim Mingyu: I just wanted to reiterate my frustration
Kim Mingyu: Some of us truly appreciate this site for what it is–a treasure trove and a center for community bonding
Kim Mingyu: Facebook Marketplace is more than just a simple website and it’s embarrassing that you’d use it for anything other than shopping for used goods
Kim Mingyu: On Facebook Marketplace you can buy or sell new and used items easily and find great deals on new items
Kim Mingyu: No wonder you can’t get a boyfriend like I bet you’re ugly too
Kim Mingyu: Ugly and stupid
Kim Mingyu: I bet your law degree is fake
Kim Mingyu: HOW DARE YOU RUIN THE SANCTITY OF THIS SPACE
jww: Are you the guy in your profile pic
❌ You cannot respond to this user ❌
jww: Blocked?
jww: This is a new low
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages
[5] Boo Seungkwan YOU GOT MY ACCOUNT REMOVED YOU P…
Kim Mingyu You: This is a new low
Jackson Wang Hi! I’m a bus driver in the New York area. I saw your p…
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages ➤ Boo Seungkwan
Boo Seungkwan: MY ACCOUNT IS GONE
Boo Seungkwan: YOU GOT MY FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE ACCOUNT TAKEN AWAY
Boo Seungkwan: IT’S MINGYU AGAIN BTW!!!!
Boo Seungkwan: YOU CANT GET RID OF ME BITCH!!!!
Boo Seungkwan: YOU GOT MY ACCOUNT REMOVED YOU PIECE OF SHIT
jww: Hello Mingyu
jww: I thought you blocked me
jww: I didn’t report your account or anything it probably got removed because you told me to kill myself
Boo Seungkwan: YOU DESERVE IT
Boo Seungkwan: This is infringing on my right to free speech
jww: I’m honestly surprised you don’t have a burner account
Boo Seungkwan: That would be violating Facebook’s Terms of Service
jww: Jesus Christ
jww: You didn’t get my message because your account got removed so I’ll ask again
jww: Are you the person in your profile pic
Boo Seungkwan: I HATE YOU
jww: I think that you have some problems that you need to resolve
Boo Seungkwan: But yes that’s me
jww: Want to come to a wedding?
❌ You cannot respond to this user ❌
Tuesday, August 05, 2025: T-34 days
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
Mingyu come back
Free
Toys and Games > Pretend Play Toys
Listed 1 minutes ago in Manhattan, NY by jww
Details
Condition: New
There’s a guy on here who blocked me from his friend’s account because I accidentally got his account deleted. He’s super hot and I’d like to pay to take him to a wedding in Málaga. It’s a gay wedding, and my friends are snobby, so it’ll be fun. I desperately need them to believe that I’m happy.
Mingyu, I know that you’re lurking on here. If you come with me I will use the law degree you said was fake to try to get your account back
↳ dk020: are you a good lawyer
↳ jww: yeah
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages
[1] Lee Seokmin I want to see your degree
Boo Seungkwan You: Want to come to a wedding?
Kim Mingyu You: This is a new low
Jackson Wang Hi! I’m a bus driver in the New York area. I saw your p…
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages ➤ Lee Seokmin
Lee Seokmin: I want to see your degree
jww: [IMG_1368]
Lee Seokmin: Harvard?
jww: Yes
jww: My name is Jeon Wonwoo
jww: Look me up
Lee Seokmin: Like on Instagram? Give me ur @
jww: No lmao
jww: Google
Lee Seokmin: Uh
jww: But my Instagram is @everyone_woo if you want it
Lee Seokmin: Ok so
Lee Seokmin: No offense but I’m a little bit confused about how you’re struggling to get a boyfriend
Mingyu sat back in his–that is, Seokmin’s– desk chair and considered his options. According to his Google-Instagram-LinkedIn-Facebook-TikTok-Snapchat stalking (okay, the last two were both a no-go), Jeon Wonwoo was a famous, hot lawyer with celebrity friends and money out the ass. He could also get Mingyu’s Marketplace account back.
However, he’s the reason it got banned in the first place.
Decisions had to be made.
Group ➤ Boo Seungkwan (@sk1), Kim Mingyu (@gyu), Lee Seokmin (@sk2)
gyu: Guys
gyu: Facebook Marketplace Enemy is hot as fuck and famous and rich
sk1: seriously??
gyu: Yeah
sk1: mingyu this is so sketchy
sk1: also all he did was make a post on Facebook Marketplace 😭
sk1: where you can buy or sell new and used items easily
sk1: and find great deals on new items
gyu: Shut the fuck up Seungkwan
sk2: Let me see him before I decide
gyu: [IMG_2305]
gyu: [IMG_2306]
gyu: [IMG_2307]
sk1: yeah i take it back
sk1: you need to go lol that man is so hot
sk2: Be the sugar baby you’ve always wanted to be
gyu: I’ve never once expressed interest in being a sugar baby
sk1: well now you are one!
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace
@jww: Direct Messages ➤ Lee Seokmin
Lee Seokmin: Can I see the location of the wedding
Lee Seokmin: And when is it?
jww: Yeah I’ll attach a few pics
jww: September 8th-11th
jww: So we have a little over a month
jww: If you decide that you want to go I’ll get you added as my plus one
kmingyu: That’s right when the semester starts
kmingyu: Asshole
Mingyu grudgingly clicked through the website Wonwoo had sent, and had to admit that the venue looked quite nice. It was also, essentially, an all-expense-paid vacation with the most attractive man he’d ever seen. With all options considered, he sent Wonwoo his Discord username—only non-enemies get his phone number—and shut down Seokmin’s computer.
After letting himself out of Seokmin’s apartment, locking the door behind him, and slipping the key under the mat, he made his way to the subway. He needed to pick up an armoire he’d bought a couple days prior on Facebook Marketplace, where you can buy or sell new and used items easily and find great deals on new items. He didn’t really have the need for an armoire, nor the necessary means of transportation, but it was too good of a deal to pass up.
twitter.com
mingyu 🔒@kimmingyu
I will get my revenge Jeon Wonwoo
Messages ➤ Jeon Wonwoo & Kim Mingyu
jww: Okay so don’t forget that you need to memorize everything I told my friends
jww: Are you like smart
jww: Like smart enough to do that
kmingyu: Weird question
kmingyu: Now I know why you can’t pull
kmingyu: Yes though I’m smart
kmingyu: Can I see the lies
jww: I’ll need to meet with you first because you need to sign an NDA
Group ➤ Boo Seungkwan (@sk1), Kim Mingyu (@gyu), Lee Seokmin (@sk2)
gyu: Chat am I cooked
gyu: [IMG_2305]
sk1: YES MINGYU
sk1: YES YOU ARE
sk2: Guys I’m worried that someone’s been breaking into my apartment
Messages ➤ Jeon Wonwoo & Kim Mingyu
kmingyu: An NDA?
kmingyu: Also hot
jww: 4pm tomorrow?
kmingyu: Okay sure
kmingyu: And just to make sure we’re on the same page I’m doing this for my Marketplace account
kmingyu: Like I don’t care if you live or die
jww: Ok
kmingyu: You are hot though
jww: Ok
jww: Is Dunkin fine
kmingyu: Rich ass lawyer and won’t even shell out to buy Starbucks for your fake boyfriend
kmingyu: I hate you
jww: Ok
kmingyu: Dunkin is fine
Wednesday, August 06, 2025: T-33 days
Thirty minutes before he was supposed to meet Jeon Wonwoo for coffee at four in the afternoon at the shittiest coffee chain to exist, Mingyu was trying on outfits. He wasn’t really sure what clothing was appropriate for a situation like this; normally, when he met with strangers, it was people from Facebook, so he wore full combat gear. He’d garnered quite a reputation.
He decided to go for an outfit he thought exuded “wedding in Spain,” throwing on a Hawaiian shirt that he’d kept from his brief time in a frat. (Fortunately, he saw the writing on the wall and got out just before federal prosecutors began to subpoena the other members for the slew of court cases involving first-year college students, flour, and buckets of human feces.) He also changed from his formal business slacks, which he was still wearing from a panel he’d sat on earlier that day, into baggy cargo shorts. He slipped his feet into Seokmin’s crocs, left the key under the mat, and made his way downtown.
As he approached the Dunkin', his irritation at the hot stranger grew, and he pulled the door open so hard he was surprised it stayed attached to its hinges. Instead of seeing a man chiseled from marble, though, he was greeted with the strong smell of weed, and a teenager who seemed irritated that Mingyu had walked into the business they were being paid to work at.
Mingyu meekly made his way to one of the tables, took a seat, and tried to touch his surroundings as little as possible.
<><><><>
At ten after, Mingyu began to convince himself that he’d been played. Wonwoo had stolen his Facebook Marketplace (where you can buy or sell new and used items easily and find great deals on new items) out of malice, and had no plans to atone for his sins. As he worked himself up under the watchful eye of the employee–read, fourteen-year-old playing TikTok out loud on their phone in the back room–he felt his phone buzz.
Messages ➤ Jeon Wonwoo & Kim Mingyu
jww: Wya
kmingyu: Dunkin
jww: Which one
kmingyu: The one by the train station
jww: Oh
jww: Give me half an hour
Eventually, a black Rolls-Royce pulled up outside of the coffee shop. Uncaring of the traffic around it, or the fact that it was rush hour, the driver put the car in park, neglecting to pull out of the way or put the hazards on.
A few seconds later, the finest man that Mingyu had ever had the honor of laying his eyes on stepped out of the backseat—even seeing him through the dirty windows of a trashy Dunkin Donuts couldn’t ruin his appearance.
Wonwoo was wearing a blue suit, very clearly tailored impeccably. His brown leather (heeled??) loafers perfectly matched his belt, and he had a pair of black-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. As he adjusted his cuffs, Mingyu caught a glimpse of a watch he was sure cost more than his yearly rent.
When Wonwoo entered, Mingyu greeted him by cursing under his breath and putting his head in his hands. “You’re even hotter than I thought.” Wonwoo’s expression didn’t change.
The surly teenager, who had returned to the front when the bell signalled the entrance of another customer, turned on Mingyu with a glare. “You’re not supposed to be in here for more than three minutes.”
Mingyu, who was preparing to make more comments about Wonwoo's appearance, snapped his mouth shut with a pop . He drew his eyebrows together in confusion. “Three minutes feels pretty short.”
They shrugged. “It’s not like it’s within my control. Brenda made it a rule after the shrub incident.”
“Brenda?” Mingyu asked.
“Shrub?” Wonwoo interjected and, fuck, his voice was hot too. Mingyu voiced that sentiment, and was met with a blank stare from both parties in the room.
With a last side-eyed glance at Mingyu, Wonwoo turned back to the cashier. “Okay, we’ll leave,” he said with a tight smile. “Thank you.”
“Thanks for what?” Mingyu complained. “Also, I’m not going anywhere with you. You might kidnap me.”
“You’re too annoying to kidnap,” Wonwoo said, straight-faced. “Anyone who took you would last five minutes, maximum, before either returning or killing you.”
Mingyu crossed his arms as he stood, noting with no small amount of satisfaction that he was taller than Wonwoo, even with Wonwoo’s heels. “So you’re saying you’re going to kill me.”
Wonwoo turned, grimacing slightly at the sound of his undoubtedly expensive shoes sticking to the floor, and opened the door. “Sure. After you.”
Mingyu felt as though he was losing, though he wasn’t sure how. “I hate you.”
Wonwoo just raised one neat eyebrow.
Their standoff, which Mingyu was sure he would’ve won if he’d had more time, was interrupted yet again by the teenager. “Please get out.”
Mingyu finally broke and began stomping towards the door. He stopped in the doorway, though, and made direct eye contact with Wonwoo. “I’m only leaving because I have respect for food service workers.”
<><><><>
After manipulating Mingyu into his fancy car ("do you want your Facebook account back, or no?"), Wonwoo cleared his throat. “Considering it’s closer to dinner now,” he began, “I was think-”
“Dinner?” Mingyu scoffed. “It’s five in the evening. Are you geriatric?”
“Okay,” Wonwoo said. “I’ll make the decision for both of us. You seem grumpy.” He leaned forward and slid open the divider between the backseat and the driver. After murmuring something that Mingyu couldn’t hear, he sat back and looked Mingyu up and down appraisingly. He pursed his lips and, with more force than Mingyu expected, said “what the fuck are you wearing?”
twitter.com
mingyu 🔒@kimmingyu
Hate him so bad
Mingyu glanced at Wonwoo as the car screeched up in front of one of the fanciest buildings he’d ever seen. Sleek black columns held up a balcony, under which women draped in silk were helped out of the backseats of shiny cars by chauffeurs dressed in sharp black suits. Their jewelry was blinding even through the dark tint of the windows.
Wonwoo broke the silence abruptly. “It seems intimidating, but you’ll be fine.”
Mingyu narrowed his eyes. “I wasn’t worried.”
“You’re going to look better than most people in the room, even with that atrocious shirt.” Wonwoo met his gaze evenly as he spoke, seemingly genuine.
Mingyu was saved from having to answer when the car door, which he was leaning against, was opened, and he fell backwards. He closed his eyes, preparing to hit the smooth black asphalt, but was instead jerked forward.
He cracked his eyes open to find Wonwoo hovering over him with an intense gleam in his eye and a strong hand wrapped in Mingyu’s atrocious shirt. He was looking at Mingyu like he wanted to eat him.
Mingyu gaped up at him, slightly stunned by the display of strength, and Wonwoo smirked, dangerous. He pulled Mingyu the rest of the way up into a seated position before lightly tapping the underside of his jaw.
“Close your mouth. You look like a fish.”
Mingyu stared with wide eyes. “A hot fish?”
“I’m not into bestiality,” Wonwoo said lightly, and then gestured for Mingyu to get out of the car. He stumbled onto his feet, feeling drunk.
When Wonwoo followed, his driver, a shorter man with highlights in his brown hair, stopped him with a hand to his shoulder. He gestured to Mingyu.
“Really, hyung?” The man didn’t even attempt to lower his voice, and Mingyu glared at his back.
Wonwoo just shrugged. “Yeah.” He stepped forward to place a hand on Mingyu’s back, and Mingyu tried to ignore how it felt like the touch was searing into his skin. “I’ll call you later, Dino.”
“Stupid-ass name,” Mingyu informed his–Dino’s–back.
“You call me Chan.” He said shortly, turning to stare at Wonwoo again, and Wonwoo stared back innocently. With a huff, Chan went back around to the driver’s side.
Wonwoo nudged Mingyu forward, closer to the entrance. “Dino isn’t that bad, I swear. He can just be kind of a jerk.”
Mingyu put a finger to his chin as though he was thinking really, really hard about something. “So… he is that bad then.”
Wonwoo looked up at him. “Yeah. I guess.”
“I hate him, too.” Mingyu decided.
Wonwoo muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like Jesus Christ.
<><><><>
Despite Mingyu’s apparel and general attitude, Wonwoo didn’t seem embarrassed to be seen with him. They walked through the doors, which were held open by impeccably-dressed staff, and were met with a spotless purple carpet rolled over reflective marble. The ceilings were high, and covered with Renaissance-style paintings; when Mingyu craned his head in an attempt to see what was depicted, Wonwoo moved closer and said, in a low voice, “all of the paintings–”
“-are of American Dad scenes. I know.” Mingyu finished. Before Wonwoo could respond, Mingyu pointed to one scene which was partially hidden behind an ostentatious gold-and-diamond chandelier.
“That’s from the episode called Rabbit Ears. Stan gets trapped inside a TV and forgets his family. That’s the scene when he and Tuttle are trying to escape.” The painting showed a figure reaching desperately for something unknown as a grey fog covered him. “And that,” Mingyu pointed to a second scene, “is when Stan had a crisis about his religion. And that one is the theme song, obviously.”
As he highlighted the different paintings, he could feel Wonwoo’s gaze on him, and his ears began to burn. “I’m not just a pretty face, you know.” He finally built up the courage to make eye contact, and was met once again with an intense stare. “Stop looking at me like that.”
Wonwoo didn’t move at all. “I never said you were just pretty.” He sounded genuine. Soft. “I thought that was Family Guy.”
Mingyu twisted his face into an expression of disdain. “Don’t ever make that mistake again.” He stepped forward, and felt Wonwoo move with him.
“Jeon Wonwoo,” he said to the hostess, who nodded and began to lead them through the restaurant, all of which was equally shiny and expensive.
“This is fancy as fuck,” Mingyu said without preamble, drawing a surprised look from the table he happened to be passing by.
<><><><>
Finally, the waitress led them into a small, darkened room, separate from the main space. There was a single large booth covered in red velvet and the table was already set. She left them with a nod, and Mingyu put his hands on his hips.
“This feels like the back room of a strip club. I’m not getting naked, you know.”
Wonwoo, who was sliding into his side of the booth, didn’t even falter. “You’re too whiny to be a stripper.” Before Mingyu could say anything back, he added “and dressed too poorly. Strippers usually at least have on a matching set before the clothes come off.”
Mingyu pursed his lips and sat across from Wonwoo, slumping into his seat with his arms crossed. “Doesn’t this type of place require a reservation?” he asked.
“Yes,” Wonwoo responded. “It also has a dress code,” he added pointedly.
“Leave my shirt alone.”
Wonwoo continued, “...but I know people.” He waved his hand flippantly, as though that wasn’t something a mafia boss in a shitty 80s movie would say. “Also, I think that the Crocs might be more of an issue than the shirt.”
Mingyu refused to be impressed by Wonwoo’s “connections.” “You’re paying.”
Wonwoo’s lips quirked. “I’d assumed.”
<><><><>
Wonwoo insisted that they go through the legal issues before eating, so Mingyu was forced to sit through a lecture on “confidentiality” and “jail time.” Wonwoo had come around to Mingyu’s side of the table so he could highlight specific parts of the contract, and Mingyu found himself offhandedly wondering what cologne he used. He also found it hard to focus on what Wonwoo was saying, in part due to his hunger–he hadn’t eaten since lunch in Seokmin’s apartment–and in part because he couldn’t look away from Wonwoo’s lips. The lips seemed to be asking a question.
Mingyu startled when long, elegant fingers snapped right in front of his face. “Have you been paying attention to anything I’ve said?” Wonwoo asked. “At all?”
“No,” Mingyu replied honestly. “I don’t care. I want my Facebook back. And I want to kiss you.”
There was a beat of silence as Wonwoo recalibrated. He looked at Mingyu as though he was a specimen, an alien from another world, and then huffed out a laugh. Mingyu smiled a little bit, pleased at having garnered a reaction, but quickly remembered the situation and drew his lips back into a pout.
“Okay.” Wonwoo finally said. “Sign here.” Mingyu did, in stuttered cursive reminiscent of that of a ten-year-old, and the look of disgust on Wonwoo’s face filled him with a sense of satisfaction.
“Now,” Mingyu began, “I want a Coke, and dinner, and to know who your famous friends are.”
twitter.com
mingyu 🔒@kimmingyu
Unfortunately he’s hot
mingyu 🔒@kimmingyu
And is making me sign a crazy amount of paperwork
Later, after Mingyu had eaten all of his dinner, half of Wonwoo’s, and ordered two more entrées to go, ignoring the look of horror on Wonwoo’s face across the table as he did so, Wonwoo finally explained. Or tried to.
“The couple getting married is Choi Seungcheol and Yoon Jeonghan.”
“The business people?”
“Yes.”
“I had a theory that they were polyamorous with the other guy.”
“Joshua?”
“Yeah, see, you get it.”
Wonwoo paused. “No, Joshua is the best man. On both sides. Cheol and Jeonghan fought over him. He’s also the officiant.”
Mingyu made a face intended to communicate “sounds like polyamory to me.” Based on Wonwoo’s reaction, a small head tilt, he thought he succeeded.
Mingyu refocused. “Who’s going to be there other than the Carnegie-Rockefeller-Vanderbilt trio?” Wonwoo laughed, and Mingyu tried to be less pleased about it than he was.
“My friend Soonyoung and his boyfriend Jihoon will be-”
“Boring!” Mingyu interrupted. “Famous people only, please.”
“If you’d let me finish, I would’ve told you their performance names. They’re Hoshi and Woozi.”
Mingyu could feel Wonwoo watching his face carefully, but he didn’t even have to feign confusion. “Who?”
Another pause. Mingyu was starting to think that Wonwoo maybe wasn’t all that bright. “Soonyoung is a dancer, and Jihoon is a producer.”
Mingyu shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
“Vernon, the rapper—”
“—Another nobody—”
“is another friend of mine. And then, ah, Jun? The actor?”
Mingyu throws his hands up in exasperation. “You keep dropping these names like I’m supposed to know who they are.”
Wonwoo looked vaguely confused, but Mingyu was saved from any more questions by the sound of a phone ringing.
“Jeon Wonwoo… yes… okay…” his face dropped and he began scrambling for his things. In an attempt to help, Mingyu shoved the loose papers back into what he hoped were the correct folders while Wonwoo blindly groped around the table.
“What are you looking for?” Mingyu whispered.
Wonwoo moved the phone away from his ear. “Pen!” he hissed.
Mingyu rolled his eyes, but began obediently moving dishes out of the way to find it, listening intently to the phone call. Wonwoo sounded every bit like the lawyer he was, collected and authoritative, and Mingyu was struck with the urge to stick his tongue down Wonwoo’s throat.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Wonwoo said, just as Mingyu held up his pen, triumphant. Wonwoo shoved the pen and all of the folders into his briefcase as Mingyu shoved his feet back into Seokmin’s Crocs, which he’d removed earlier when he wanted to sit criss-cross. Mingyu thought he looked tense.
“Is everything okay?” Mingyu ventured. “Not that I care. I hate you.”
Wonwoo glanced up at him. “Yeah. It’s just a pretty important case that I’m being asked to consult on.”
“Is it famous?”
Wonwoo hummed. “Not particularly.”
Mingyu leaned forward, eyes bright. “What is it?”
“I can’t say,” Wonwoo replied. “Sorry.”
“Okay, then I’ll guess!” Mingyu said cheerfully. “Famous cases in Manhattan… Diddy!” Wonwoo’s face changed for a split second, and Mingyu recoiled. “Oh my god.”
Wonwoo held up a hand, as if asking Mingyu to be quiet, but Mingyu was already talking. “Are you a public prosecutor, or are you defending Diddy? Wonwoo. Wonwoo, are you defending Sean Combs. Answer me.” Mingyu got in between Wonwoo and the door and grabbed his face with both hands.
“I’m not defending Diddy!” Wonwoo said, too loud, then closed his eyes.
Mingyu laughed gleefully. “Can’t believe you’re going to try to get Sean Combs acquitted.”
Wonwoo threw his hands up as Mingyu turned to leave. “I’m not! I’m not.” Mingyu was already out the door, leftovers in hand.
Group ➤ Boo Seungkwan (@sk1), Kim Mingyu (@gyu), Lee Seokmin (@sk2)
sk2: I’m starting to feel really unsafe in my apartment